Playing Jenga with my life?

[Guest_2350]

My life is based on some personal values and beliefs. During the treatment in the last few months I often got confused. Confused about my feelings, confused about my relationships to other people, people that are close to me, confused about the memories that keep popping up out of nowhere.

As I am going deeper in the past - I ask myself: If these situations steered the course of my life, impacted on my life so signifcantly to cause me mental and physical issues now - then who am I? I feel like I am playing Jenga with my life. What if I take out a core relationship and everything just falls over? Can I accept that I hate a person I was meant to love? Can I forgive and move on? Can I accept that I love and hate that person? Then there are other people that have caused so much grief in my life and changed my life forever, but it was not their fault. I have moved away physically, but also removed my heart because I cannot bear the pain. I have learnt how to look excited when opening a present, when to laugh if people are laughing, how to mingle in public, but I don't feel it. I can also detach when being sad, change face in an instant. Have I just built a pretty facade? Put the Jenga pieces on top of each other without making sure the foundation is ok? I am going back so far in my past, that I am worried what I may find out about myself. I am worried to start questioning the core relationships I have now - and then what?

Are there others here that are working through childhood/young adulthood trauma? How have you coped? Am I over thinking this?

I am safe and I know I will be able to get up from this chair and do something to distract myself. But I needed to ask this question, as it has popped up so many times over the last few months, and I think I just figured out, why this confuses me so much.

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

Yes, I’ve gotta keep the little puppy in the pics … that’s her with our own dog, Jack;  he’s 11yo and is such a wonderful dog as well.  That yellow thing around Tess is a garbage bag, that she got into and when she saw us, she came running, with garbage bag hooked around her.  She couldn’t get out of it … it was very funny.  And Jack knows that she’s not supposed to do that, so he’ll go over to where she is and whinge.  We’ll hear him whinging and go see what’s happening and voila, there she is, being just a bit naughty.

Ah yes, cherry trees, tea ceremonies, etc  … that’s a couple of reasons my partner wanted to go, so I’m just tagging along;  there’ll be three of us;  my son is working now, so he was reluctant to go in the first place, so that’s all cool.  Going to spend time in & around, Osaka, Kyoto and Tokyo.  Will definitely be doing a bullet train or two.

Weekend was quiet outside, mainly cause it was pretty hot.  Still got to the gym as per usual and out for a run as well.

Did you weekend turn out as you hoped??

That sounds good about giving your latest psych a go and to give the things they’re suggesting a good try as well.  All very promising positives coming from you there, which is brilliant.

You know with regard to rage, while this doesn’t sound the best thing, it’s probably better to let it fly towards yourself, rather than to deliver it out to others.  But then once you can get through that phase, the next step will be to work on it, so it can be dispelled from yourself without you having to explode within.  To try and find a way to channel it out without you having to self-hurt, self-harm or just to portray a whole lot of nastiness and negativity around you.  Gee, I hope that made some semblance of sense.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I loved your little story about Jack and Tess - they sound adorable and look so cute! Glad to know the old lady is teaching the young dog some tricks 😉

Your Japan trip sounds amazing, you need to let me know how it was when you come back. The traditions in Japan are very different to what we know, ask them how they make "rice cakes" not sure if that is the traditional thing. They also have strict rules about presents and how they see the working world. 

My weekend was quiet and I enjoyed harvesting & preserving for winter. We also met some friends and went for a bush walk and I enjoyed that. 

Rage has always been an issue for me, I used to have significant outburst. I think a lot has to do with the disappointment I feel with people around me, the world in general and myself and it also has a lot to do with me not being able to open up. People often struggle to follow me and I have often been advised that I have to break my thinking down into little pieces for the general world. That is very frustrating. I have said to people before - why can you not just accept me the way I am and be tolerant towards me, why do I always have to be considerate and change? That kind of social interaction just wears me out, the meaningless small talk, the talking around and around in circles, instead of being spot on... Often I can see the outcome of bad decisions well before decisions are made and it frustrates me if I voice my opinion and no one listens and then we have to pick up the pieces after. Another reason for my rage is that I often feel left alone. Like no one cares. That hurts. But instead of crying I get angry now.

I am exhausted today, it was a very long and strenuous day for me. I hope to find some rest tonight.

Take care, Yggy

[Guest_5218]

I care Yggy.  I'm sorry you often feel alone and that no one cares.  Of course that would hurt, its a very natural emotion.

I hope you have a restful night tonight, after what has been a long and tiring day for you.

Thinking of you Yggy, and hoping it soon starts to become easier for you.

In the meantime, continue the battle...........

Sherie xx

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

When you feel that way, that you feel no-one cares and then the tears don’t come anymore, but it’s more of anger.  Is it anger displayed towards yourself or to others?   Or is it just that annoying bottled up anger that we get and it just bubbles away inside – annoying because we can’t really release it?

This is where I find my gym sessions help me, because I can often get a release of it to some degree.

I’m finding that I’m beginning on my running journey again as well, and this is another release mechanism that can help.  Sure these two things don’t get the full lot expelled out, but it certainly can help.

Have I hit the mark somewhat for you?

The thing with the ‘not caring’ can also be a thing of feeling ‘let-down’.  We live with this so constantly and I know personally that we can’t be continually telling those nearest and dearest to us about how we feel, etc … and because of this, we don’t always get those responses back for the reassurance factor.  The feeling of being let down comes to me because of this.  I really wonder if I’m making sense?

Moving on to Japan … what do you mean about strict rules regarding presents?  Are you saying I can’t buy presents over there?   Oh and rice cakes … mmmmmmhhh, with peanut butter and honey.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

 you've nailed it. When I used to train for long distance events there was this relieve, the energy seemed to be burnt - I have always felt like a bouncy ball that needed to get rid of excess energy. And I had moments when I was deeply in the run, where I just cried, not the desperate brawling, but gentle tears rolling down my face with a sadness so deep I cannot explain. Running used to be such a strong release in the last couple of years. And before that for many years I guess it was work. A workaholic through and through my life revolved around work. Until I noticed that I would not be able to continue that way, so I started looking at other ways to release energy, which was trying lots of different things and then running. I have always been a woman of extremes, people never knew how I could manage the full days I had. After the training period came a long rehab period and now I just seem to have deflated. I have started to wonder if 40 years of hyperactivity have just taken its toll. 

I have gone through all sorts of anger release techniques during my life. I used to have rage fits when I was a kid and youngster, I guess even my husband remembers a few. He says I have mellowed out over the years. I used to get very loud or throw things but I never harmed other people. From what I am learning bulimia is self harm, so I struggle with that. Sometimes I used to drink excessively. I know that some of my training was more punishing my body than training - so I am not sure where to draw the line. I don't think it is important. I just know that I can be very angry and not to show it is taking a lot of energy. And I am actually realising how angry I am, I think that is good. My psych said my tolerance for unpleasant feelings is very low, I get upset when my husband has the sniffles or my parrot whinges, because I don't want them to be unhappy. 

Regarding Japan, you can buy, I think, whatever presents you like. It is more the unusual customs the Japanese have - a friend told me about them who lived there many years. If you are invited somewhere you should always bring a gift and you are never allowed to refuse a gift. Google a few customs before you go. It is always good to know some of the customs beforehand, so you don't offend the locals. 

Tell me more about your new running adventure. What are your plans? 

Take care, Yggy

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

I’ve experienced the tears when running.  Must be some kind of release of emotions or tension and as a result, our system produces the tear ducts to open up.

You know, this could be something that is affecting you now and maybe, just could be what is causing your anger as well.  In that, how you said you were always an active person and on the go … be it running, or work … you were belting things out with all the get up and go and the life was just cruising by as you dealt with it, in that ‘all-in’ kind of fashion.

Whereas now, things are a bit different, where you don’t have that release … that you had when you ran and perhaps to a degree with your work;  sure you’re involved with work now, but do you feel the same about it as you did prior?

I mean, I could be way off track here with this, but it’s just a thought.

I know that for me, I do miss the competitive and physical release that cricket used to give me … I think I’ve touched on that before.

With my running, I really love doing the long distance stuff … covering loads of km’s;   but doing this for me of late I have been getting injuries, which aren’t good.  So I’m thinking more of doing short stuff … when I say short, just doing sprints and stuff, some hill repeats;  and my daughter has now got the “Beep Test” on her phone, so I can now work on my speed and endurance.  I love the beep test.

Anyway, time to go again.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil, 

i love your new profile pic, in that pic you can see pure joy 🙂

I have never tried the beep test, but think I should download it at some point. Is it hard?

Have you tried walk-running long distances? That could be a way to cover longer runs? I found the release of my muscles, or the change of activity helped me stay fresh longer. 

I'm not sure if I like my job, I think I do, but when I think about what I really love and what I'm really good at, there can be worlds in between. I guess I would be really good at what I love as well, if I had gone down that path. I was thinking about writing a post today about people with high IQ as I could not find much on here, but I always feel like an outsider when I think of that. In the world outside, I actually don't know why, but people always make fun out of people who think different. And here I feel like people would say - I wish I had your problems. And it hurts. I guess with you it's ok, if not, then I've lost my friend here too. It's ok I've been hurt before. Anyway, off the track, I have excelled in my life because of how I am, but sometimes I am not sure if what the outside world sees in me would truly be the path I had chosen for myself. Then I think it probably is only so difficult at the moment because I am always tired and everything is a struggle and I wish I could just shut the door and work on some tricky problem for the next six months. When I was still living at home, especially during Uni, my mum and dad would pop their head into my room to say hi or to bring me drink and food, because I would just go in my own little world - and be extremely happy there. During those phases I was not very social - sometimes I feel that I need to have that "break" from the constant demands and just focus on one thing. I rarely have that feeling of flow anymore, when I burst of creativity and all I think of is my tricky problem.

I was feeling a little better yesterday, I had a good nights sleep - and I had a little more energy.  

What are your plans for the weekend? I have another quiet one ahead, I think that is what I need at the moment. I still have busy days, but I do the washing, look after my garden or cook something nice.

Take care, Yggy

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

Yes, she’s adorable … so very cute.

The Beep Test can get very hard … look it up and check it out.  I always love that kind of thing;  something to really stress the body and to help create more fitness.   Oh, and yes, that’s all I try and do these days, with regard to covering km’s … jog, walk, jog, walk, etc … you get the picture, yeah?  🙂   Sorry, being bit silly there, but that’s what I do, so as to prevent injuries, but the mongrel thing still comes along.  Anyway, do what I can while I’m still upright, I reckon.

I think when we’re in a bad place, it really brings so many things down and down hard.  Hence you querying your job, where I’m sure I’ve read before where you enjoy your job and not only that, but you are good at it.

Huh, I don’t understand the part about losing a friend here … not sure who you’re meaning, but it sure as hell ain’t me.  I ain’t going no-where.  Oh, except for after work, cause then I go to the gym, and then after the gym, I go home.  😉   That post you were referring too, I reckon you should put up a thread about it … I think you’d be pleasantly surprised.

Now, in the outside world, yes that is true … we can be made to feel outsiders and that’s what can hurt and can really play on our minds as well.  From school it starts and it just continues on.  Cause we have to have so many interactions with so many people and that’s your key common denominator there … ‘so many different people’.  Here’s the thing – we’re all born, tiny, infantile, innocent.  But as people grow, they become ‘different’ – why??

What goes on in a person’s life/mind/young years that can change or that makes someone become a bully, or makes someone become someone who’ll make it difficult for others?

Wow, I’ve really digressed here, but have I?

Also, please know that on here, you’ll never get anyone to say, “Gee, I wish I had your problems” … leave that particular comment for the tools in the outside world.  So I’d really love for you to post what you were thinking of.

This latest post Yggy from you was a good one.  So many thought provoking projections put forward.  I’ve tried to capture points against a few of them.

But do look forward to hearing back from you and do think seriously about putting that other post up.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_5218]

Hi there Yggy.  I just wanted to let you know that I am still thinking of you, even if I havent been posting much lately.  Its not because I dont want to, its just that I dont really have much to offer you.  And I can see that Neil is keeping an good eye on you, and vice versa.

It is good news that yesterday was a better day for you, resulting in better quality sleep and a little more energy.

I hope that the better days continue for you........

Sherie xx

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil and Sherie,

 thank you for your kind words. I am sorry that I am such a cry baby. 

I will never understand myself in this regard. I think it is just the depression talking. I remember how I got bullied throughout my education. I remember when I got told in front of class what a disappointment I was in an exam - at length - only to find out after I had an A instead of an A+. And the teacher was not joking. I remember that I was either just expected to excel by my parents and others or I wasn't good enough, because some had higher expectations and did not want me to study what I wanted to. There is no great prestige in my degree, I'm no Ph.D. or lawyer. In school and at uni I remember people saying that I only had good grades because I am female and I was graded differently (not because I have a brain, that would have been really offensive to the guys). I've been told I cannot do a career in my field because I'm female. And most of my life I just let it bounce off. I was so ignorant that I did not even realise that all this bad talk was because I was different. Ignorance was bliss back then. And I let it bounce off and proved them wrong. It does not bounce off anymore and for a long time I have been questioning everything in life and also asked myself if I actually live to my potential. I read once, if you have a high IQ and don't use it, you're a waste. It's worth than having a low IQ. I think all the doubters and criticisers eventually won. I doubt myself and I wonder if I am having a meaning in life. And it makes me sad to think like this. 

I won't write another post on the forum. I am too worried to be hurt and yes, I had bad experiences before. 

I am glad I wrote this now. It is good to have put it out there.

Take care, Yggy