Playing Jenga with my life?

[Guest_2350]

My life is based on some personal values and beliefs. During the treatment in the last few months I often got confused. Confused about my feelings, confused about my relationships to other people, people that are close to me, confused about the memories that keep popping up out of nowhere.

As I am going deeper in the past - I ask myself: If these situations steered the course of my life, impacted on my life so signifcantly to cause me mental and physical issues now - then who am I? I feel like I am playing Jenga with my life. What if I take out a core relationship and everything just falls over? Can I accept that I hate a person I was meant to love? Can I forgive and move on? Can I accept that I love and hate that person? Then there are other people that have caused so much grief in my life and changed my life forever, but it was not their fault. I have moved away physically, but also removed my heart because I cannot bear the pain. I have learnt how to look excited when opening a present, when to laugh if people are laughing, how to mingle in public, but I don't feel it. I can also detach when being sad, change face in an instant. Have I just built a pretty facade? Put the Jenga pieces on top of each other without making sure the foundation is ok? I am going back so far in my past, that I am worried what I may find out about myself. I am worried to start questioning the core relationships I have now - and then what?

Are there others here that are working through childhood/young adulthood trauma? How have you coped? Am I over thinking this?

I am safe and I know I will be able to get up from this chair and do something to distract myself. But I needed to ask this question, as it has popped up so many times over the last few months, and I think I just figured out, why this confuses me so much.

[Guest_1055]

Hey yggy

You do sound a little scared and uncertain about the truth coming to the surface. And from what I have read here on the forums, from some other people is that this feeling is normal. And also that this therapy/ treatment has helped them. 

I'm so sorry they that you have been through trauma in your life yggy, and I wish I could take it all away for you, and throw it into the depths of the sea.

I long to advise you yggy, but all I can give you is a big hug, in hope that this token of my love for you helps in some way.

thinking of you

Shelley xx

[Guest_2350]

Thanks Shelley, your hug always helps.

Sometimes I get lost in my mixed feelings and confused thinking. 

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

It’s great that you’ve created this thread as we can get others hopefully to chip in with some of their own stories and of similar issues for how they dealt with it all.

I really don’t have a lot to offer, but did want to write to you on this, even if it’s just snippet of something that I can come up with.

I think there is the opportunity where people can forgive – where you asked “Can I forgive …?”  I think that forgive can be a yes;  but forget, if something is so terribly traumatic, then no.  But then having said that, in my own case, I simply cannot forgive – though the person we’re talking about in this instance, is me.

I know all the counselling and different talks I’ve had over the years, that the trained professionals all as a unit, want a person who has suffered their own personal PTSD, that they all want that person to be able to forgive those atrocities that have happened in the past.  It’s so easy to say and to write – but to put that in actual practise, well that’s a whole different ball-game.

Something to perhaps look at though, is the core relationships that you’ve got now – they’ve been built and are solid, due to how you wanted them to be – how you nurtured them and through that the bond developed grew stronger.  So in that, I don’t think that your current core relationships should be any cause for concern or worry.

Just something to suggest potentially is to bring up all the questions you’ve raised in this post in your next appointment with counselling – if you feel ok to do so.

I hope I’ve said something of value above and if not, well at least I’ve occupied your mind for a minute or so and that’s a distraction from your normal routine, so that’s gotta be good … right?  🙂

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil & Shelley,

I hope you are well and you are still speaking to me. 

I am exhausted from the rollercoaster I have been on. I am having a few glasses of wine in the hope that I will sleep tonight - it is only a couple (glasses not bottles), so nothing to be worried about. I have realised a horrible truth in the last few days and the first time ever I actually spoke to someone who understood. That makes a big difference. I feel so exposed and vulnerable but talking to someone who actually understood how I feel is so different. I am desperate to make a change. I am exhausted.

I don't know how I can make the change, but I have realised I will not go back to my current psych. Looking at it "objectively" my psych is not the right choice. I know I need to click with my psych as well, but if the psych does not even meet the objective criteria, I cannot be so wrong. I don't feel safe. I don't feel he teaches me how to stay safe.

I have been crying so much, I never thought I had so many tears. I lost my Dad and cried a lot years ago, but this feels different. My head is bursting. I have so many things going around my head and I forgot where the break is.

I have felt this alone, unsafe, exposed and vulnerable before - I just forgot what it feels like.

I am sorry I am such a mess lately. Please stay in touch, Yggy x

[Guest_1055]

Dear yggy

I am not sure if you are still awake tonight, it is now 11:18pm. In case you are awake, here is a hug for you. Can you feel it? You are not alone.....

Oh I wish....that I could help you somehow, you sound so lost, mixed up and hurting. I can't advise you or anything, but I do so much care about you. I hope one day you will be truly free. I do hope you have got some sleep tonight yggy

With love 

Shelley xx

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy

Of course we’re still speaking to you – we’re right here and not going away too far.  Though as I may have mentioned, my lurking on here is much reduced over a weekend.  I’m actually heading back to see my good bro and his family this weekend – which will be good.  I say good, as it should be fantastic, but the thought of going “anywhere” always puts major stresses on me.  I know it’ll be great to catch up – but it’s just I’ll be out of my comfort zone.  It sucks to be like this.

I do hope that some of your anger has lessened for you over the last day or so … did the wine “do the trick” and get you off to sleep ok?  That can also be a catalyst I guess for some anger building up – where you have poor sleeps and so you’re tired and worn out before you even get out of bed, which doesn’t make for a good start to the day.

That was awesome to read that you’ve found someone that you can actually talk to, and I’m assuming unload to – and great that you’re able to feel ‘good’ about that.  That is a huge plus for you – sure you can do so on here, but we’re on the other end of a keyboard;  it’s not the same as having someone in person.  Plus, you’d obviously be less likely to open up on here, whereas in person, and you feel comfortable enough to do so, that does make it easier.  You get the immediate response and hopefully help as well.

I’m just thinking aloud here, but “maybe” there’s a build up of anger within you regarding your current psych.  In that, you’ve invested so much time and money into this person but you feel they’re not suitable and so now you’ve got to go through that whole process again and seek out someone new.  Maybe I’m off the mark there, but just thought I’d mention it.  I doubt that would be the main catalyst for your current low mood.

Dear Yggy, you never ever have to apologise on this site – you’re feeling low, miserable and lousy – it’s great that you can unload and let us know this, but there’s no shame in that and you never have to apologise for the way you’re feeling.

I do hope that you find a few tiny sparks of joy or wonder during this coming weekend.

As always, stay in touch.

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear Yggy

Just found this thread and would like to add my ten cents worth. Looking at the past will always be painful when you have had so much hurt. At least, it will hurt until you can resolve the issue. But yes, you will probably never forget. It is part of you however much you wish it was not, and how really horrible that is. It's about how to manage this hurt and move on without it ruining the rest of your life.

There are so many emotions bound up in your past and sorting them out may take a while. If you are like me you want this part done with and the pain to go away. Oh how I wish. I asked a psych many years ago to teach me how stop feeling so that would never feel pain again. He said it would not be ethical. What he really meant was it was stupid to ask because we never totally lose our capacity to feel and one day the past would blow up in my face. I wish he had said that instead instead of looking down his nose and being righteous.

You are quite right to find another psych if you have lost confidence in the current psych. May I ask if this is a personality thing or your unhappy with his/her therapy? I think you need to be clear why you are changing psychs so that you can make a good choice with the next. I'm told you can often 'try' several psychs before finding someone who is compatible. Now that's a daunting thought.

Past and present relationships pose their own difficulties. We are 'meant' to love our parents and siblings but when this love and trust is abused, why should we continue to love them. We can forgive them, but this is more about helping ourselves than helping them. I think we need to forgive, not because someone is sorry or 'they didn't mean it' or 'didn't know what they were doing' or any of these reasons/excuses. We need to acknowledge the hurt to ourselves, understand we are not to blame and gain some distance from that person(s).

I have spent many years being angry with my husband and his emotional abuse of me. And he still has the power to press my buttons. I have found that time and distance has helped me greatly. In general I can forgive him because I understand his background. This is not an excuse for him, rather an acknowledgement that he had his hurts to deal with. However, the damage he did to me is inexcusable so I say to myself that's it's past, I have regained most of the person I once was.

I cannot change the past. I can choose to let it affect me for the rest of my life or I can learn to take steps to march on.

Mary

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

Thank you for your continued support. I hope you have a good weekend with your good bro. How did you cope with the "change"? Going out of my comfort zone and adjusting my routine is always a challenge for me as well - perhaps that is why Saturdays and Mondays are more difficult?

I have realised even more in the last few days how fortunate I am to have a job and a loving husband. I don’t know how I would have pulled through otherwise. The wine did not help, nor did comfort eating. The lack of sleep did not help. On Friday I was so wound up, you could have bounced me off walls and used me as
a squash ball.

I struggle to sit down and write. I do not want to think. I have destroyed what I have written, I could not bear to think it was written down and I did not want to share it. I might want to say it out loud some day. I have cancelled my appointments with the psychiatrist and hope my GP can manage my medication. I am sure some day I will find a psych that I can trust.

I am not angry anymore.

I will do some housework now and try to focus on the task at hand.

 
Dear Shelley,

Thank you for your hug, I needed it.

 

Dear Mary,

Thank you for sharing your experience - it must be so difficult for you to continue seeing your ex-husband at family functions. I admire your strength of choosing your own future.

 Again, thank you all for your support. I hope you are keeping well. Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

I have been feeling angry again for a few hours. It comes out of nowhere. I am angry with my family for not protecting me. I am angry with the abusers. I am angry with my GP and my psychs. I am angry with myself. I am angry...

I can feel my walls going up and I can feel myself retreating. I have cuddled my favourite teddy today and it felt comforting. I have not done this in decades.

I just wanted to voice my anger - it does not make me feel better. I don't even know what else to say. I am out of words, I am speechless.