After holding in so much, my psychologist recently unburdened something
I have never told anyone. In January 2020 I witnessed a man commit
suicide. Only my father knew about what I saw, I have tried to forget
that sight, but recently I have been havi...
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After holding in so much, my psychologist recently unburdened something
I have never told anyone. In January 2020 I witnessed a man commit
suicide. Only my father knew about what I saw, I have tried to forget
that sight, but recently I have been having nightmares about it, and the
worst one was last night, because his body became that of my dad. My dad
passed in September 2020, and I found him in his bed, it was unexpected,
and has destroyed me, but one thing I remember is that his eyes were
closed, and his face did not look in any pain, but in the nightmares
dad's eyes are open and he looks so sad and hurt. I cannot take seeing
these images of him that way, I will tell her about these nightmares in
my next session. In the past few weeks I have been trying to move from
the home where I found dad, and looking through his belongings, and room
where I found him has torn me apart, there have been a few nights where
I have asked dad to take me with him, to let me go to sleep and not wake
up as he did. But I think these nightmares are dad trying to tell me,
see, I have been staying in hotels recently to avoid dad's home, and on
Friday night I sat in the cold dark outside on the balcony for about
half an hour, thinking of everything. I know dad would be so sad to know
how much pain I am in, I feel guilty, as if I am still a burden to him
now, and he cannot find his peace, in one dream I was hiding something
from dad, and he was angry and stopped talking to me, maybe he is angry
at my thoughts. I miss my dad so much, the months move on, and soon I am
moving too, but the loss just grows larger, sometimes I think it won't
be so bad to go and be with him, but I know how much he gave up to get
me where I am in life, and how proud he is of me. Lockdown, this, my
brain cannot handle it all, when I see those images of my dad, it hurts
so much, how do I stop these images of that strangers suicide from
merging with my dad? I don't want to see my dad's eyes staring at me, I
just want to be blank, forget everything in the world, me , my family,
everything, I cannot even close my eyes for peace, dad used to visit me
in my dreams, it was so beautiful. Help me to unsee.
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
