Hi again, I'm a young man who experienced long-term CSA from ages 13-16.
A little under 10 years later, a little under a year of therapy for
CPTSD, I think I'm doing okay. This post will contain me talking about
how my CSA experience has and continue...
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Hi again, I'm a young man who experienced long-term CSA from ages 13-16.
A little under 10 years later, a little under a year of therapy for
CPTSD, I think I'm doing okay. This post will contain me talking about
how my CSA experience has and continues to affect the sexual side of my
relationships. I'll be as clinical as possible. I've been seeing
somebody on and off for around 3 months. We have been intimate, but not
sexual. Last time we saw each other, she initiated foreplay, and asked
if I was a virgin as I "seemed uncomfortable". I said no, and she just
sort of laughed and didn't believe me, said that she'll take care of
everything and I shouldn't worry. Soon, everything sort of starts to
feel unreal. In hindsight, this is the beginning of a flashback.
Everything seems to remind me of my abuser, being completely unable to
do anything, and I just lock up and cover my face. At first I try to
stop myself from crying, and instead let out a noise she mistakes for a
moment. After another few seconds she realises something is wrong when
she goes to take my hands to them on her chest and sees my tears. She
gets off me and starts asking what's wrong, but I am completely not
there. What happens is what she says, as I don't really remember what
happened. She gets off me and keeps asking if I'm okay, but I keep
saying that I'm real over and over again. She wraps me with a blanket
and goes to call her friend who asks if I take drugs (I don't), and that
if she thinks something's wrong she should call an ambulance. At this
point I walk into the kitchen and try to stand in the fridge at which
point she stops me and I sort of come too. She takes me back to bed, and
I cry on and off until I fall asleep. I remember it like it is a dream
or a really faint memory. She explained things when I woke up and
doesn't believe that I don't remember much, and is really upset with me.
We are close, but I don't know if now is the tone to cross this bridge.
How do I explain it to her? People I've explained my abuse to in the
past haven't believed me, even when I've had flashbacks in front of
them. I think this is the end of our relationship. I like her, but this
is the worst flashback I've ever had. How do I explain this to her, or
anyone?
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
