Ptsd childhood trauma and the ripple effect

[Enoughloss_]

Where to start we talk about having to be silent about keeping quiet about the abuse many people suffer at the hands of the people who are meant to protect us. But what happens when you do tell when people do go to jail and apologise for the wrong they did to you? While many seem to think it’s good is it really? Sadly society is not as forgiving to both the victim ( she must of dressed or acted in some way to deserve it, maybe she is like the person who abused her and will do that to others) or the offender ( he is a bad person any one who knows him must be ok with what he had done, he could never change once an abuser always an abuser) yet our justice says he has done his time for the crime and has had his life theatened and almost taken from other inmates now has the right to live as we all do free to get on with his life and leave the past behind with in limits.

now society views the offender by his crime and the victim must not have anything to do with him otherwise they are seen to be condoning the behaviour that resulted in the prison term in the first place.

so where does this leave the victim? They have no family and are punished no matter which path they take.

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Enoughloss,

Thank you kindly for your most honest post. Such deep, thoughtful and well described situations of both sides.

Such a traumatic experience will stay with the victim to the rest of her/his life. Mental health professionals may assist in trying to ease the psychological damage, learning how to peacefully live with this tragic experience. But nobody can erase it, once done it will always stay imprinted in the brain. How we cope with it during our lives, that’s a different story.

Here for you.

[Croix]

Dear Enoughloss!~

You have given a very perceptive account of abuse, the law and society's attitudes, and frankly things are not good, I would agree and think you have every reason to be bitter and dissatisfied..

With the perpetrator I'd think there must have been very compelling case for that person to be incarcerated. And yes inside he would have been given a hard time.

Apologizing to you may have been for a number of reasons, showing contrition prior to sentencing, showing the correct attitude for parole hears, or a variety of other reasons based on a perpetrator meets victim theory. Of course it might be genuine. Dunno. I'm also unsure how effective prison terms are on abusers' conduct for the future - a mixed bag I guess.

What I do know anyone who has been in prison will very probably find life hard on the outside, with small chance of meaningful employment.

Sadly things are not good for the person abused, they have been dealt an enormous injury and for many it will colour all the rest of their lives. This is where support becomes most important. I'm sorry you do not have anyone in the way of family or friends to lean on, however medical support does need to be taken up.

You may not be the same person as before, however there is hope you can end up reaching the stage where you can look back on that episode without having to go though the whole traumatic range of emotions and fears you may now.

I do not know the circumstances of course, many times it is a parent or close member of the family that offends, which makes it doubly hard for the victim, both by the betrayal of someone they should be able to look to for protection, but also a loss as to what to do when the perpetrator is released, mixed emotions are often there.

I hope you find a specialist that deals skillfully with childhood abuse and trauma and its long lasting effects and that in time you find you are able to trust some worthy and understanding soul.

Croix

[Enoughloss_]

I have come across many therapists counselors over the years most doing more harm than good with many not really understanding the issues people like me face. It’s kinda like a person who has never had children telling some with kids how to parent. For me answers came from one person and that was a person who did understand years ago. The thing I find is the expectation that one has a family that the person who abused you is the only one not around when for many this is not the reality. People judge you by others reactions ( oh she must be bad if her family don’t want any thing to do with her) this ripples accords into when you have your own children when it is expected that you have extended family support. And when you don’t you are expected to just deal with it. The offender has apologised many times after release wishing his actions were different wishing the outcome of my life had been different. I do not think this is due to him just wanting parol ect. I think it is a guy who genuinely feels remorseful for all the events his action caused. Pitty the other offenders did not feel the same pitty they never saw real justice or remorse. Yes the other person was reported to police and no charges happened this person has since taken his own life yet he continued to abuse others and even his own kids and who knows how many people he worked with yes he had a working with children’s card but due to no convictions he could hold one. Even though reports were made about his behaviour not one of his victims were believed! Hence my favourite saying now is a child safety check is only as good as you have been caught in the act. It doesn’t mean you should work with children or are safe only that you haven’t been caught.

[Enoughloss_]

The idealism that medicine can fix anything sadly is not always true. They can not give you a caring family they can not remove the harm that has been done nor the scars. Many practitioners use cbt for ptsd even though it has been shown time and time again not to be an effective form of treatment yet it’s their go to. What people with ptsd need especially in cases like mine is not a stock standard out of a box treatment that will see us coming back time and time again. But a holistic view that takes into account that people like myself are suffering from many conditions and life situations which go against the normal societies expectations of what happens to victims of these crimes. Unlike depression where it is a chemical imbalance with in the brain ours is not some lack of chemical but a lack of security a family and extended brings it is like our families died all of them including extended we are banished with no chance of change. There is no pill for that. There is no amount of cbt that can undo the loss not society’s expectations that you have family support. All you can do is pay for the help. Yet nurses drs and counselors ect still expect when times get thought your family can be called on for support ( yes they actually ask you if you have asked your family for support). This shows a complete lack of understanding of the real issues people like me face because it’s not the norm in medical and society’s eyes.

i have not started the original post out of bitterness or anguish but of one of education. I hear so often this concept of trauma informed care yet so many have no idea what that really means in real terms not do they seem to know what it means to be the person who was abused . The real effects of coming forward and reporting and the ripple effect of those choices for many are not what people expect them to be. Abusers are brothers mothers fathers aunties uncles grand parents and trusted members of the family like friends in which they are given access to the children. They are not some elusive boogie man who hides in shadows but are the very same people you trust your children to.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Enoughloss,

Thank you for sharing such an articulate post. We can hear and understand some of your frustrations with previous experiences of counselling and therapy. We hope sharing here, and finding people across the forums who can understand and relate to these experiences, is a comfort and a help to you. It’s a big part of the reason we started the forums, so we’re really glad you could share this here.

We can hear it may be a really difficult time with some of the events you've mentioned, and without having family to lean on. It’s so important that you can continue to reach out because we don’t want you to go through it all on your own. Whenever you’re struggling, our helpline is here for you on 1300 22 4636, or on webchat. Our counsellors will help you through the difficult moments and can also help you to find more support if you’re finding that your current team is not suitable. There’s some more information on finding a professional here.

We'd also really recommend connecting with Blue Knot, who you can call on 1300 657 380 (Monday - Sunday between 9am - 5pm AEST). 

We hope you find Croix and Learn To Fly’s posts as helpful as we do. We’re sure there’ll be more from them, or other members of our community who can relate to what you’ve shared today. Thank you again for sharing.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Learn to Fly]

Hi Enoughloss,

Unfortunately you are so right about the abusers and who they usually are. Maybe this is changing now as people are more aware, but in the past it used to be so easy for abusers to do whatever and most would simply turn the blind eye. Including the family members. Why? Because it was such an uncomfortable subject to face? Because for some, the consequences seemed more severe than the actual act of harm? Because it was an easier and uncomplicated way to treat the facts? Give it a good sweep underneath the carpet.

Judging by your most thoughtful and well informed posts it appears to me you would be able to give some good advice to some of the Counsellors. I am glad you decided to share it with us here. Holistic approach. So simple, yet so complex and touching on so many aspects. And you are right. Because traumatic experiences such as child abuse is never ever black or white and straight forward.

I hope you don’t mind me asking: what works for you? Acceptance therapy? CBT was a write off, so it seems.

Again, thank you for rising this topic among us here. You carry so many valuable thoughts. Thank you.

[Croix]

Dear Enoughloss!~

I can easily understand the points you are making, that ill informed practice makes matters worse, and that perhaps those are the only practitioners you have had the bad fortune to meet.

It may not be much comfort to you but there is a change, and there is a growing movement to try to help a person with all the things that are affecting them, they are not just a diagnosis.

This can be seen in the growth of the MH Peer Worker Support field, where the Peer has been though something similar enough to look for the things in a person's life that are damaging -becuse htey had been damaged in a similar way themselves.

I agree with you about family member being often the abusers, and when they have served their term may be incorporated back into the family -

I've no answer for that, any more than I have that Working With Vulnerable People Certification only weeds out those htat have come it notice.

I do think medical support has ts place, however that may be more to assist in being able to cope and eventualy recover to a place where your very real and deep injury assumes smaller part in your life, as I have found. Admittedly as an invalided ex-policeman I have differing problems.

I'm no expert and may only be relaying the benefit I've received for PTSD, depression and anxiety. I'm not pretending it is the same as your circumstances, but at the same time want to offer a small glimmer of hope

I do like the forthright and clear way you put things and hope we talk some more

Croix