Feeling anxious about home

[Curious77]

Hello all,

I thought I would give these forums a try because I feel anxious every time I go home because I have come to the conclusion that my father is psychologically abusing me, continually harassing me and lying to me and not allowing me peace in general by trying to get me upset all the time. I am on a low income and I do not think too well because I stress out easily and feel overwhelmed by it all. I do not know how to get myself out of this and I do not have any close friends or family because of my father's behaviour and my own low self esteem and feelings of worthlessness. I can not remember the last time I was happy to be alive and connected to the world around me and I would like that to change.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Curious77

I am really sorry to hear that you are feeling like your father is psychologically abusing you, that you are suffering from anxiety about living with him and that the relationship has also impacted your ability to retain friends and have better relationships with other family members also. I am really pleased though that you have reached out here to get some support and some comfort through what I can imagine is a really difficult time. We are here to support you and to listen and also perhaps give you some tips to help build your self esteem and self confidence, which may also help in managing the relationship with your dad.

I think firstly my question to you is although you mention you are struggling with other relationships with family and friends, is there someone that you can stay with for awhile, while you get some support and figure out what the next move is for you? If living with your father is causing you this much pain it might be time to have a break from these living arrangements and to seek some alternatives if possible.

Which leads me to my next point of having people to talk to, to support you through this time. Do you have anyone that you can share this with, to get some support?

I am not sure what your father's situation is but can I perhaps suggest that maybe he is also going through a tough time and while it is never an excuse to treat people badly, it may explain why he is lying to you. Maybe there are things he simply does not want to share with you or even admit to himself so the easiest way is to lie to save face or embarrassment even. Maybe he is going through some financial or emotional troubles and this does impact the way he speaks and treats you and does come off as harassment when in fact he is struggling to communicate himself. I am not sure if this is recent or if he has been like this for awhile but perhaps too the recent situation with COVID is also impacting him.

I am not trying to make excuses for him, as I said before it is never ok to treat people badly, however we just might need to consider what he is going through.

I am so very sorry you are feeling like this. Do you have some hobbies or interests that you enjoy doing that could, when we do resume normality, mean you could join a club or the like, to meet some new people and potentially new friends?

We are here to chat to you Curious77, and to support you through this time. I am sorry things are really hard for you at the moment.

Hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Thank you for your reply Sarah.
The only person that I can think of living with is my mum but she lives in 50+ age accommodation so I cannot live with her. I also do not like discussion my father with her as it triggers trauma that she experienced with him so I do not want her to suffer. Ever since I can remember my father has been a bully and controlling through lying and attacking so maybe it stems from childhood. I think I am suffering from trauma as well I feel anxious and scared of getting close to other people and my nervousness probably comes across like I do not like them. I also feel a great deal of shame as I feel like a failure which affects my ability to meet people. I just look at other people's lives and I think why am i such a failure. I do enjoy having small talk with people at my local library when it is open as I like reading but no other interests.
Again thanks for your response.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Curious77

That is certainly hard to live with if you do feel bullied by your father. I can see from what you are saying that your mother struggles with his past behaviours too so maybe someone to chat to about this could be really helpful for you. How would you feel about some professional counselling? To get some of these issues out and to help to get some resolve for you and some peace? It must be so very hard to struggle to get close to people and to feel comfortable and to be able to feel supported and have close relationships with people. I am so sorry that you are living with trauma and have these feelings every day. Maybe some professional help might be just what you need, what do you think?

Feeling shame and feeling like a failure are really horrible feelings to have to manage also, if you wanted to talk about why you were feeling like this I am happy to listen, only if you feel comfortable to.

Chat some more to you really soon Curious77.

Hugs

Sarah

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Yes I probably do need professional help, I just feel like the weight needs to be taken off my shoulders and not be so stressed and worried all the time.
The thing that I feel the most shame about is that I did not realise that my father was abusing me and did not care about me until recently and that I have wasted my life on him without it being reciprocated and how I have been stuck in my life and missed opportunities because of his selfishness and sabotage. He kept making it difficult for me to hold down jobs for example and I just feel stupid that I did not realise he was working against my interests and I have essentially been helping my enemy by being controlled like that.
I just feel like how much better I would be emotionally towards others instead of pushing them away if I did not allow him to manipulate me like that through feelings of shame and my emotions being played with.

Thank you so much for letting me get things off my chest by listening and offering advice.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Curious77

I am really happy to hear that you are considering that maybe some professional support might be a good idea for you. I think that they will help you to explore ways to rebuild you, to gain some self confidence and to find ways to manage living with your father, if that is what you are going to choose to do. I am still hoping that you can explore the idea of moving out, perhaps a share house where you rent a room to reduce costs somewhat. This way you can make a fresh start and start to rebuild you, to make some choices that make you feel happy and give you pride in you and your life.

Can I say to you though you have most certainly not wasted your life, you still have the rest of your life ahead, I think that anything learnt in life is never a waste. You have woken up, your eyes are wide open and you are now aware. How were you to know as a child that this behaviour was not acceptable, it was all you knew. You had nothing to compare it to, this is not your fault. You are the child he is the adult and you didn't allow him to do this to you, that is what was taught and shown to you, how were you to know that this was not good behaviour?

The thing is that you do now and I can bet that you are not going to let this continue and you can call him out on the way he treats you, tell him you will not accept that behaviour, or will not be spoken to like that, you don't have to be aggressive or rude, you just call out the facts. I think you have made some wonderful progress in realizing how you do want to be treated, this is never a waste, you know now and you can put and end to that abuse.

I think it is time to surround yourself with people who make you feel good, well when we are able to, to make some choice regarding where you live and to also reach out to some support, it might be here, it might be through a GP, whatever you feel is best for you. You can join groups that interest you and make some friends and start a new journey in your life, made my good choices that make you feel worthwhile and happy, how wonderful.

I am so sorry you are feeling shame but I hope you can see that the shame does not lay with you, you have done nothing wrong.

Chat some more to you Curious77 and hope that today brings you something to make you feel good about you, to bring a smile to your face.

Hugs

Sarah

[mocha delight]

Hi curious77 I sorry to hear about what your going through and if you ever need to chat I’m here for you ok 🤗

[Curious77]

Hello Sarah,

Thanks so much for your words of encouragement, your thoughts are so positive.

I have decided that me and my father have come to an impasse and we cannot move forward because it seems that he has adopted a deny everything approach and that I am miss reading everything even physical things done in front of me. I do not even think he sees me as a person who has the human right to make decisions and live my life as he seems to be ignoring that I hate him and still tries to act as if everything is fine and is trying to force me to interact with him as if I do not know that he is trying to manipulate me. He seems incapable of accepting the situation has changed and my views on him are very different to before. I do not know how he sees me but maybe like a toy he can play with.
I just feel so tender and wounded and do not know if I could cope with shared housing but my situation is really bad so it would be worth looking into and see if anything that I feel comfortable with pops up and I summon some courage.
Thanks so much for listening to me Sarah.

[Curious77]

Hello Mocha delight,

Thanks for caring about my situation and offering to chat. When your in a difficult situation it's very hard to think clearly because of all the emotions running through you so it does help to talk with people who are removed from the situation. Thank you.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Curious77

Great to hear from you and it is my pleasure to chat to you and to give you some support during this really difficult time, but, I feel like you are growing, and accepting and just from the few messages we have had I can see that you are starting to perhaps draw the conclusion that maybe these are issues that are with your dad, that whether is accepts his behaviour or not is really on him, but you will not be accepting it. The thing is that it can be called whatever name you like, if the way he treats you makes you feel bad about yourself and makes you feel unworthy and like you don't matter then it is a problem. If he does not want to listen to how you are feeling and take some of this on board then that is fine too, he just does not get to have a relationship with you as I think you have already made the choice to move on mentally from him. Physically might take a bit longer as you said, it is alot to pick up and move to the unknown, that is why it would be easier if you had somewhere or someone to go to in the meantime, but I understand not every one has that option.

I hear you are feeling so very tender right now and I am sure this is very painful for you, I hope that you can take some time to do something nice for you, whether it be a walk in the park or even a phone call with a friend or watching something funny on Netflix or the likes, something that can make you feel good, you deserve to be happy. I think you have made some decisions about this relationship with your father and that is so very brave of you, perhaps now it is time to reach out to those in your life and to secure the friendships that you have knowing that your father will not be able to impact them, you will not let it this time.

I think you have so very much courage Curious77, it is not easy to come and to post here and to get out how you are feeling and to be so raw and honest, you have also by the sounds of it being having some honest conversations with your dad too, that also takes courage. I think you are so much braver and stronger than you know.

It might even be time to mention to your father that you agree to disagree so that you can live together, but this then prevents him from passing judgement and criticism on you or even interacting with you, you can choose where you draw the line.

I hope chatting here is helping, here to chat some more to you.

Hugs

Sarah