4 years of PTSD, Depression and Chronic Pain after being attacked at work

[Jane363]

So this stage of my life is a new experience for me. Used to take care of others, never asked for help for myself. Find this difficult to be open & vulnerable.

Everybody's rock. Single mum 3 kids & extras. Primary carer both parents. Disability worker.

Attacked at work by client (after going to help coworker); caused soft tissue injuries, broken bones, detached retina, spinal nerve damage, massive weight gain...

Literally had to learn to walk again. Now suffer chronic pain, nerve pain, falls due to balance issues, muscle spasms & tremors, cervicogenic headaches (migraine on steroids - stimulation eg light, noise, clothes... all painful), ocular migraines (temp loss of vision), nightmares, depression, grief & ptsd. ANGRY. There's more but thats enough negative.

I lived to dance, paint, garden, read and cook. I loved & lived life to the fullest, always busy. Now I can barely walk. Chances of making it back to the dance floor - not. I chair dance on my rare good days. Although I can't stand the noise from the music. I'll never cook again. - blending flavours, creating visual appeal and taste; totally lost knife skills; painting fairyland or dolphin/undersea murals was my release from life's stress. gardening is another lost skill - can't do bonsai safely anymore, nor can I cope with the demands of maintaining a decent garden. Reading is slowly coming back - I can read short stories again sometimes. I keep notes of characters & plot line, so I don't I forget and lose understanding. There is so much of my life I have lost.

Pet peeve - general public's belief that they have the "right" to know my life story. I'm not some freaking reality TV show for their entertainment. Yes there is a horrifying story about intrusion beyond social acceptability behind this issue. I was actually chased into the toilets by someone who felt that it was their right to know my story.

I have changed from a very social person to complete self-isolation. I talk to my medical team & 1 friend who wouldn't let me cut them out of my life, no matter how hard I tried.

So do I have a life? NO! I exist. But I am slowly (4 years now) coming to terms with this new "life". Have I considered ending it all? Several times, but couldn't do that to my kids - the life-sentence of grief and guilt they would feel stops me every time.

So now its time to learn how to start living again - maybe not how I had planned, but that's life.

This was my next step on that pathway.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Jane363, 

We are really sorry to hear about the struggles that you are going through right. We can only imagine the strain and pressure that you are facing being a parent, carer, disability worker and living with a rnage of medical conditions. We are so thankful that you have been able to share your story with us and we want to thank you as well for your courage. It is a difficult thing to share sometimes and to ask for support, but you never know who will see this post and feel less alone in their own experience. 

We are concerned about you and think that it would be a great thing to call our phoneline on 1300 22 4636 to talk about these feelings. Grief and loneliness are topics that our experienced counsellors can help you process with great advice on when you feel distressed as well as where else in the community to access support. 

You can also call our friends at Lifeline 13 11 14 or the Australian Pain Management Association on 1300 340 357. 

We hope that there is something useful for you in the resources above and that you can continue to reach out for support. We are here for you and you don't have to go through this alone. Your story is your own and you are welcome to share as much, or as little, as you wish on the forums. Please feel free to keep us updated on how you are going so the community can best support you. 

Kind regards ,
Sophie M

[Jane363]

Hi Sophie,

Thanks for your kind words and wisdom in your reply. I appreciate it.

I am one of the lucky ones who now have a fabulous medical team, both physical and psychological, who are amazingly supportive. As suggested, I rang the phoneline and spoke briefly with a counsellor, but it is so much easier to be truly honest behind the anonymity of Jane363 (ie Jane Doe).

I hope my story gives hope to others because I have been through a living hell, and stood at the edge several times. Life is like a roller coaster so I am sure there are more down times with the struggle to get up the next incline ahead. The only control you have over it is to get in, hang on and actively enjoy the ride - screams and all.

Now I am ready to learn how to live my life to the fullest within this new reality and to achieve some of my previous life goals (even if they are in a modified version).

[Croix]

Dear Jane363~

I read of your circumstances and they are pretty horrible, I'm sorry they happened to you. The change in your life would be devastating.

I guess I'm trying to see though all these disasters a ray of light. Your kids who you love and the thought of them has sustained you, I'm afraid when I was suicidal even that failed for me.

You said one friend hung on no matter what, something very precious.

You are also angry! That was for me, a huge motivator, to get back at those that harmed me, stubbornness that I would prevail.

I'm not trying to belittle all the horrible things in your life, just trying to let you know there may be places you can hang on to during the worst of times. You probably know this already, so lease pardon me if I'm pointing out the obvious.

I will make a suggestion. I was in the psych ward of a hospital after being invalided out of my job and was offered adolescent's fantasies to read. My concentration and memory were poor and I'd lost my ability to read in the way I had before. Those simple books put me back on the path to being a speed-reader again, though it took time.

They also gave me a mental escape to a simpler more just world.

I'm sure you will find a better life, your determination almost guarantees it. If you are like I was there will be down times, I guess it is a matter of being prepared for them (I do have suggestion for another time on that).

You know Jane Doe, you are welcome here anytime

Croix

[Jane363]

Thankyou Croix.

I agree that sometimes we need others to point out the things that should be obvious to us. Thankyou for giving me hope. Hearing that you have managed to become a speed reader again is inspiring.

Obviously, from what you have said in your post, you have dealt with some nasty issues yourself and you should be proud that you have managed to find the strength to achieve this.

It has taken me all day to work up the courage to log back in here (which will be my something I am proud to have achieved today). To read your kind words has made the effort so much wore worthwhile. Then to realise that you have over 10000 posts is amazing. I would value any ideas you have to help when that rollercoaster has to start climbing back up again.

Thankyou once again. You are an inspiration.

[Croix]

Dear Jane Doe~

I'm very pleased I was able to strike the right note with you (which helps me too), and that you had the courage to log back on - a surprisingly hard thing to do.

I think the fact you recognize there will be down times is itself of immense value. It allows you both to plan for them and also know that they can be preceded before and be followed after by better times.

One of the most comforting things I can say to myself when life is grim is "I've been here before" which reminds me I've coped before and can this time.

I"m sure a lot of your future disappointments will be physical ones, hoping to walk 100 meters and only manning to just stand up some days, things like that. Frustration you cannot clip your bonsai exactly - though it might turn out well anyway.

I'm sure there are more meaningful disappointments, I'm just guessing examples.

I do know that you are the same person inside as you have always been, sometimes masked just now by the PTSD, bitterness, depression and loss. I know this from looking at myself now and before.

You were the go-to person, resourceful, caring and a desire to support, plus talented and gained satisfaction from a rich variety of activities. Your current situation came about due to your sense of duty and desire to help a colleague.

None of that has been lost. Neither has your liking for fairyland, and underseas murals.

Please, as much as you can interact with everyday people. I've seen the effect of just interacting all the time with carers who are paid to be there -no matter how nice they are. You lose the give and take necessary for ordinary social intercourse.

Yes, I realise that will put you in a position others will be curious about you, and some insensitive souls may pry. You will overcome that I'm sure, starting by retreating to the toilet, and later working your way up to discussing it as much or as little as you want. People will end up accepting that.

I've not really enough space in one post to talk much about dealing with ups and downs, perhaps we might talk of it another time. The short version is to build up your armory of matters that lift you so you cna reach for them when needed.

I'm glad you came back Jane Doe

Croix

[Jane363]

Hi Croix,

Thank you.

I have spent some time last night (sleep and I are very distant acquaintances) and this morning reading other threads. I even responded to some and actually posted one of my responses. Now I am all anxious, concerned and panicking; second guessing myself continuously. I am sick to my stomach worrying firstly if the post will be approved, secondly hoping it does not cause anyone offence, pain or hurt. You are amazing that you have done this so many times and are so insightful and giving. Truly inspiring. Definitely lots of bouquets coming your way.

[Croix]

Dear Jane Doe~

Ta for the bouquet (though I'm not sure a walrus on an iceberg would have seen one before:)

You can relax. Your post was sensitive, appealing and spot on and I know Mrs D will appreciate both the intent, the language and the lovely metaphor on that poster -in fact I appreciate it as well.

Everyone that tries to post who has kindness them inside will worry they might do harm -you won't, you are too thoughtful and sensitive. It has been one of my worries in the past and on occasions even now.

So what does my large number of post tell you? It shows that one can have a huge disability weighing one down for many years, then you find you can turn that to great advantage.

There are many here like that, even if the do not write as often as I have done.

On a different subject -if you are up to it why not browse though one of my threads:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here-

Its a sort of scrap book that anyone can store a happy memory in, either for later on when they feel down, or to help others feel good -actually they all do both. No other rules beyond common sense. Short or long, pick out easy ones to read.

I am so pleased you wanted to help another, your true nature is coming through

Croix

[Jane363]

Today marks a new start. I have been absent for a while due to another fall from ongoing balance issues.

Yesterday, I logged in again and started reading some posts... started thinking... read some more... thought some more... finally had a breakthrough.

When this life-changing attack happened about 4 years ago, I couldn't look at my reflection. So I bought a new jug and toaster, took down mirrors and covered any I couldn't take down as well as any other reflective surface. Today, I took the cardboard and paper off those mirrors, windows and other surfaces. I still hate what I am seeing but I have given myself permission to, and have accepted that I am broken for now; secure (for now) in the knowledge that I am rebuilding.

Thankyou all who have helped me to take on this giant hurdle.

[Croix]

Dear Jane~

I'm delighted you decided to restore the reflective surfaces in your home. You may not be that pleased with what you can see right now -which would be understandable, but the images you now see only show the outside -and those filtered through your own thoughts and feelings.

They do not show the inner you who is making strides towards a new life, strengthening and developing.

Other people will see you differently anyway and as they come to know you will not see imperfections. I had a friend for many years who was badly hurt in an accident. When first introduced I saw the injuries, before long I'd reached the stage where I did not see them, I saw the person.

I hope this happens for you and you see the strong person you are, and in the meantime it is quite OK if you waver at times and wish you had not uncovered the mirrors. It is not really an all-or-nothing situation,but a progression. I'm sure you will be fine

Croix

Croix