Will seeing someone ACTUALLY help?

[Kitty1991]

Hi everyone, it has taken me many years to realise that my childhood was filled with daily sexual abuse from my older siblings. From when I started kindergarten to when I left home, it was normal behaviour and just what I was meant to do. My parents found out about it when I still in primary school, because i got very sick. I was told that I wasn’t old enough for that yet. So a year later when I was older it started again. It has affected me everyday, I still blame myself, even though logically I know it is not my fault. I have never shared my story, I guess I think people would agree it is my fault. There is a free service near me that provides counseling to survivors of sexual abuse. I keep hesitating to reach out to them though. Would it actually help me to stop thinking about the abuse and blaming myself? Most days I hate myself and what has happened, I keep blaming myself. I have extremely severe depression and extremely severe anxiety and I see a counsellor for that but I don’t know if I am going to get better unless I deal with my childhood. But I don’t know if I can talk to someone about it. Does anyone have any advice? Has counseling actually helped anyone move on before? And what do I do about my family including my abusers that I have regular contact with.

[geoff]

Hello Kitty, thank you so much for your thread and know that having to go through this experience must have been so traumatic for you and the lack of understanding by your parents is not understandable at all and it's definitely not your fault at all.

Sometimes when we see a counsellor it's not easy to open up about something like this and if I can suggest it would be most valuable to go and visit this clinic that offers a free service, then they can not only help you but address the questions you find difficult to answer yourself and these might be plentiful.

The abusers have taken advantage of you and whether or not they are family, need to be punished for doing this before it keeps way out of hand and this service can advise you on what to do, so please make an appointment as this is a concern for us, so I really hope you can get back to us.

My best thoughts.

Geoff. x

[HappyHelper88]

Hello Kitty1991

Thankyou so much for your post i always find myself thinking about my painful past, i was not sexually abused but i was abused as a child by my mother from a young age and i avoided seeking help for a long time as i was afraid to open up and i still think about my past nearly every day, we can move on but we can never forget it stays with us.

I seeked helped 2 years ago and it gave me a release, hearing from a professional that it was not actually my fault i was the victim, 2 years on and i am still working with them today i still cry in every session but i feel so much relief and peace after each session i think it really helps to make peace with the past. In terms of whether you continue contact that is up to you but you can talk to your counsellor about this, i did cut off contact with mine 8 years ago.

i hope this helps

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi there

I’ve heard it said that to get better we need to “say the things we can’t say”. I think that takes real bravery and you’ve done that here.

A way to consider this issue is that Sometimes when things are held in, we only see them in one way. But when we say them out loud, or write them down, Or explore them with someone else, we can often gain a new perspective.

I wish you well in deciding what might work for you. Katy

[topsy_]

Hi Kitty

My story is very similar to yours. It took me a long time to be able to trust someone enough to tell my story. It’s a difficult thing to do & it can take a long time to work on, but I can honestly say that my severe depression only began to improve when I dealt with the abuse issues. I wish you well Kitty, T.

[Kitty1991]

Hi everyone

Thanks for you support everyone. You have given me hope.

I sent the organisation an email and will see if I get a reply. I am freaking out because I am in a long term relationship and haven’t told my partner. On one hand I would like there to be no secrets between us, but on the other hand I am worried he will hate me for not telling him sooner. We have been together 10 years.
Also if I see counsellor, would it be strange to write my story down and give it to them to read. I don’t know if I can say it out loud without loosing it that’s all.

Thanks I really appreciate your help.

[Jack_Co]

You are very brave for sharing your story. Always know that there are people that are willing to help. You deserve to life a life fulfilled without these troubles they have preceded you. You will get there - I promise. Never hesitate to reach out for help. It’s the strongest thing you could ever do. My thoughts are with you.. all the best.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Kitty

Fantastic! Absolutely not weird to write it down and share that way. It’s a great way to communicate when getting the words out are difficult. Maybe it’s something you could consider doing with your partner too, if that feels appropriate. It’s a big thing to share, so it’s understandable why you’ve held it in so long, even from him.

Keep sharing here for support, whenever you feel like talking.

[Guest_1643]

hi Kitty, welcome

Free services lik u have identified have helpd me so much

counselling over phone and face to face with orgs like WIRE women, 1800 Respct, and CASA, counselling for Sexual Assault survivors.

Coupled with reading books, talking to social workers and counsellers accross the public system, i've finally after 2 years begun understanding abuse and why i blame myself.

It absolutely does help, if you dont give up, but if you have a therapist who is not trauma sensitive, it can be useless. just my opinion. xx

[The_Bro]

HI there Kitty1991 and thank you so much for reaching out to the forum.

Your heartfelt post has hit a chord with me because sexual abuse from within her family happened to my wife when she was a teenager. She was kind of guarded about our own sexual relationship for two years after we met, and is wasn't until she opened up about her past and told me, it that we made some great progress.

I had to be very careful about my reaction and ensure it was all supportive, empathetic and encouraging. It would have been very easy to blame her in some way, which would have been totally unfair and destructive.

So this leads to my first point ' YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME IN ANY WAY!' It seems you were young and being abused from within the family by older siblings would have spun your moral compass all over the place like a crazy thing. How can anyone's emotions cope with that at the time?

My second point would be - Yes, tell your partner. Where and when is up to you, but he should respect your for trusting him with you back story, and love you the more for it.

After sharing her story about family abuse with me, my wife said she felt much much better. From time to time some of the old episodes come back into her mind and we try to discuss them at that time. It's important to me to not push but be there to listen and support.

I think it's universally accepted that discussing an unpleasant life experience that has harmed your self respect with a person you can trust, is very healing. Some other responders to your post have mentioned people and organisations you may find helpful.

In regards to healing it with your older siblings, I am not at all sure about how t handle that. Maybe letting them know that you were very young, confused and now feel deep remorse about it, but want to forgive them for it might be an approach you can try. I would not be surprised if they apologised to you. Imagine how you would then feel with that weight lifted off your conscience!

I hope some of this has helped you. I am plainly not a professional but in my experience some of the above suggestions may help you.

Please do talk to someone about it as I can't really see that keeping it inside you would be healthy.

Happy to chat further any time if that is something you feel might help.

All the very best - you deserve it.

Bye for now. The Bro