Hi Haven't been here for a while. Generally I am doing OK. Healing. I
started the journey about a year ago thinking my issues were just due a
'simple' social anxiety. But with digging around, reading, talking to
psychologist, then psychiatrist, I got...
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Hi Haven't been here for a while. Generally I am doing OK. Healing. I
started the journey about a year ago thinking my issues were just due a
'simple' social anxiety. But with digging around, reading, talking to
psychologist, then psychiatrist, I got diagnosed with PTSD (and CPTSD)
and referenced to clinical psychologist for therapy - some things I
didn't realise affected me so much, some things I thought I forgot but
now sometimes they pop up in my head out of the blue. And it appears
there was much more, complex and harmful stuff. But generally now I am
able to recognize some of my triggers. Sometimes it is immediate
realisation, that I fell in the whirlpool of flashback. Sometimes it
takes couple of days. In many cases I understand where they come from,
sometimes I know exactly what was the event back then. I know what
caused me often feeling betrayed and distrustful, or why I fear
rejection, or why dissociating panic kicks in at slightest sign of being
physically overpowered. And in most cases I know my reaction is
disproportionate to what is really happening, and making sure
consciously that I am actually safe, and knowing that this and that
happened in the past helps me a lot to 'return' to present. Sometimes it
just this 'Yup, it was trigger, I'm in flashback' is enough. Sometimes
it takes couple of days to normalise. But the only thing that 'haunts'
me is overbearing fear of loss. I know people come and go. Everyone has
a choice after all. But anything that relates to someone's death, e.g.
parent losing a child, or child losing parent, loss of loved ones due to
accident, disaster, war, act of terrorism. It triggers physical pain, I
feel disconnecting (lightheaded), helpless and hopeless, and want to
completely avoid the thought. I have similar reaction when it comes to
women discrimination. But here I know where it comes from, and I am
actively working on my own empowerment. But about the loss, I am unable
to grasp it. I can't remember experiencing anything that made me feel
this way, though I have reacted always like this way since I was a kid.
Somehow not being able to pin-point it to a specific event feels like a
barrier in healing, because it typically moves an avalanche of
unwelcomed thoughts and memories, and pretty much triggers a whole
spectrum of pain, shame, guilt, anger and resentment. Sorry for a bit of
a rant. I just needed to get it out of my chest. G.
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
