incapable of moving on?

[ajm2570]

Hi all,

Not quite sure what I’m hoping to achieve by posting here.

Recently I’ve found that I have been constantly thinking about past traumas. I thought I was beginning to move on with my life and become happier, but lately every spare moment is spent thinking about my past.

I have had three bouts of therapy throughout my life to no real avail and I don’t particularly find it helpful.

I’ve meditated, picked up hobbies, talked with family/friends, confronted some issues, tried to resolve others… yet nothing seems to help me heal.

I’m unsure where to go from here. Will I ever be able to move on? Have I just not had a good therapist? Am I doomed to be miserable my entire life?

Maybe hearing from others similar experiences would help. Has anyone else felt like they would never be able to move on?

thanks

[geoff]

Hello Ajm, thanks for coming to the forums and welcome.

When we start therapy, it takes at least a couple, maybe 3 sessions before your therapist and you, to get to know each other and know whether you feel comfortable in being able to tell them what's been happening.

It's unlikely to walk into your first couple of sessions and come out 'with the magic wand' able to heal you because this doesn't happen, there will be many hidden secrets you have not talked about and these may only surface as the conversation continues and may not be discussed in the first or second visit or maybe as you're leaving, what you need to know is that you and therapist/counsellor like one another.

Meditation or other techniques may not help some people, they don't for me, so you're not alone, while other people like them, so it's only up to the person involved.

Can I suggest you wander through the different sections by clicking on All Posts, then a particular one may stick you as being relevant to what you are going through.

Also ask your doctor if they know anyone else who could be of assistance to how you are feeling, please don't give up and would really like to hear back from you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Gabs_]

Hi AJM,

I think sometimes we post on here to just get it out of our heads. You don't always need to find a solution on the forums, but there are a lot of like-minded people who care, have gone through similar things, and are here to talk.

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. It's hard when you try so hard to do "all the right things" and you are still suffering inside. Like you, I had a list of all the things I "should do to get better", but you can't project manage your mental health and healing (which sucks). It took me a long time before I realised that. I had a serious mental breakdown earlier this year, even though I thought I had been in the best place I had ever been (I'd recovered from an eating disorder), it turned out my eating disorder was covering up some long-standing trauma that I had been avoiding/not really dealing with. I ended up in hospital for a month and only then, finally, did I begin the journey of the "real" healing. It was really hard for me, because I finally had to stop and spend time fully focussed on my mental health. Like fully. I've stopped working, and I do weekly sessions (2 hour sessions) with my psych, see my psychiatrist every month, do "homework" (like journaling, workbooks, reading) and actually just rest. No clogging up my calendar with "things to fill my time".

And first, it sucked. Like I hated spending time "healing". But slowly, I've realised that I need this time to fully process what has happened to me and just spend time resting my brain. It's actually been really beneficial, because rather than doing "all the things" to distract me, I'm only doing what I need to do, which is allowing me to sit and work through processing it at a deeper level.

In relation to the "right psychologist", unfortunately, it's kind of like dating. I've had some crappy ones, some average ones, and then I have my current psychologist - who has changed my life. We gel, she calls me out on my bullsh*t (and when I'm lying to myself) and she advocates for me. She has done more for me than she or anyone will know. Maybe it is worth trying someone different? On the APS website you can search for a psychologist who specialise in complex trauma (and that are local). https://psychology.org.au/find-a-psychologist

I know what you are saying re spending the rest of your life being miserable. When you are in it, it absolutely feels like you're never going to get out of it, but you can and you will.

Let me know if you want to talk more.

G x

[Gabs_]

PS. Here is a list of books that I really recommend that have helped me.

• The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel A. Van der Kolk
• When the Body says No by Gabor Mate
• Perfectly Hidden Depression: How to Break Free from the Perfectionism That Masks Your Depression by Margaret Robinson Rutherford
• The Orchid and the Dandelion: Why Sensitive People Struggle and How All Can Thrive by W. Thomas Boyce

Each one of these has been extremely powerful in my healing journey. Please give them a try if you can. The first two, without a doubt, have contributed to major understanding and healing. Sometimes difficult to read, but absolutely worth it.

Please take care of yourself xxx

[Petal22]

Hi ajm2570,

Wellcome to our forums!

I understand this, do you find yourself going back in your mind trying to figure out what happened?

Or even ruminating on past events over and over….

Are you ready to let these things go? Are you ready to feel before you heal?

Are you ready to forgive the people you need to forgive including yourself?

If you are ready then you can choose to let these things go it takes perseverance and practice and to be truly ready….

If you have answered yes then I believe you can move on and let go.. by allowing these things to play calmly in your mind as they arise and then choose to let them go by choosing to let them go you create a calmer space to do so………

Ive learned to let go of a lot of things sometimes it took myself to forgive first so I could let them go…

Forgiveness will set you free and letting go will help you to grow

There is no time line on healing but true healing is very possible…

Im here to chat

[Isabella_]

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing that with us.

I'm curious, what aspects of therapy did you find unhelpful for you? Are you comfortable with discussing more about your experiences in it? It very well could be that you haven't found the right therapist for you. Also I think it's important to consider what your goals are in therapy.

I know what it's like to go into therapy with the goal of "getting better" - which I guess really is everyones goal. I think the issue with that for me personally is that i subconsciously put a deadline on "feeling better", and I ask myself "It's been about a month, why don't I feel better?", and come to the conclusion that it isn't for me.

After trying it a second time after being more self reflective about my first experience, I had to come to terms with the fact that I have to feel worse before feeling better. I learned to make tiny goals for myself, and learned skills in how to not let the past trauma or intrusive thought take over my mind and emotions. Personally I found CBT a very beneficial experience for me. But I understand that therapy can be frustrating, especially when you've tried it and feel as though it hasn't worked for you. How would you feel about giving it another try?

Past traumas are an interesting one. I find that it can be when I'm under some stress, or whether I'm doing something/watching something that reminds me of past events.. and my mind goes through the cycle of replaying the events over and over. It's hard to distract myself, and the longer it plays the worse I feel.

Unfortunately, recovering from traumatic experiences is never a linear experience and has a lot of challenges. Including when your brain automatically replays the events and feeling helpless about how to switch it off.

I fully believe that you can move on, and you will live a happier life. It takes work and time and patience, and there isn't a clear "how to" on how to resolve traumas, which is why working with a professional in my opinion is one of the best things you can do. It's hard to hold the weight your issues alone, especially when you feel that you don't have the control or skills to manage them. And that's completely okay and human.

I hope to hear more from you.

Take care.