Is closure necessary?

MBL · ‎31-08-2021

A few years ago a friend of mine raped me. There was a lot of alcohol and drugs involved, and shorty after the incident he went to rehab for several months. I broke ties with him, his friend and family who I was really close to. He contacted me when he got back from rehab as if nothing had happened. I had been going through so much trauma, and still am amongst many other mental health difficulties and wonder if he really knows what happened? There is a fine line between consent, it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that it was rape. How can he think pushing himself on me when I was throwing up, crying and saying no over and over... I told him I just wanted to go home. His family is extremely wealthy and well known in our community, perhaps a part of me wanted to protect him and them... I dont know why, because years later I still hold so much pain with me and have flash backs weekly. It feels unfair!
So my question is, should I reach out to him? his family? Is it even worth it... He ignores me on facebook when I have tried in the past... I just dont know how to let this go and move on.

Sophie_M · ‎31-08-2021

Hi MBL,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support, you also never know who will read this post and feel less alone in their own experiences.

We are sorry to hear that you have been going through so much recently, with the abuse and trauma to mental health difficulties. We understand this must be such an awful time for you. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

If you would like to talk to someone we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We would also strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit https://www.1800respect.org.au

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

smallwolf · ‎31-08-2021

hi.

I know you probably cannot go into any detail and I am not asking... but I assume the rehab was what happened to you And if so, I am guessing you would feel angry about what has happened and not seeming to have any way of moving forward. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this?

While my story is is no way like yours, there was a time when I thought it was worth trying to get some sort of closure. Yet at the end of the all, and after talking to my psychologist about it, there was no winners because what happened, happened and nothing could change that. And yet others (in stories I have read) have been able to find that closure they looked for,

In other places I have mentioned a book about forgiveness that starts with telling your story. Sometimes you have to tell your story over and over. (Fwiw... forgiveness is to let yourself move on, not letting the other person off.) Maybe learn how others dealt with the pain, through books, podcasts (?) or support groups.

I am sorry this happened to you, and you have made to this point. You are strong person. If you want to talk more, please know that I am listening.

MBL · ‎01-09-2021

Hi Smallwolf,

Thank you for reaching out. It was him who went to rehab for drug addiction around a week after the offence. And I do recognise that his actions were also influenced by his drug use, however, it's not an excuse the rape. I did also go to a mental health rehab in Bali a few months later, as this and another unfortunate assault months later from another 'friend'/ housemate, lead me to seeking some serious help.

What you mentioned about what happened happened, and moving forward was the strategy I have been using and been advised by phycologist. However, I cant seem to shake off the pain and anger around this. It just doesn't feel fair that he can go on a live his fancy life like nothing happened! And worse, if he genuinely doesn't believe it was an assault, what's to say he wont do it to other woman? The other rape I mentioned, he apologised and really owned it which seems to have helped me move on... I think the biggest pain after being raped for me is the how much I have questioned my self, blamed myself, told myself it was my fault...

I just dont really know how to go about it. What if I see him and he tells me its not true? Thats my biggest fear...

mmMekitty · ‎25-09-2021

Hi MBL,

I am so sorry you have experienced so much trauma.

I have thought I might get some sense that if I understood what and why, how, if I could hear what a couple of people who had abused and raped me, if I could se that they understood what they had done, how their actions affected me, (while I still don't understand the full impacts myself), I make the monster trauma in my head so big.

Sadly, I found, I was not prepared to not get the answers I wanted. They didn't or had never thought about what they did, let alone how I felt. For decades, I ignored how I felt. So I deal with that, imagining I did my reaching out to them wrongly, without preparing myself enough.

Went and wrote long letters, without getting advice other than what I had read in a book I would not recommend to anyone. If I could go back, find people who could counsel me before doing anything, I would.

Still keeping it all to myself, I didn't ask around, didn't seek help from anyone who might really know what they were talking about.

Today, I would definitely ring Respect or BB's own counsellors, as Sophie M has mentioned. So good we have the resources we do, now.

Mostly, now, I am aiming to, not so much of this 'closure', but to learn to live with this and even find having survived, I can come out stronger.

I don't expect to ever 'put it behind me'. That suggests what happened has ended, but so long as I have feelings, thoughts, which I experience here and now, it is not ended, and not completely in the past. Saying how you 'should put it behind you' ignores or pushes aside what you are experiencing now, today. I suspect, what we experienced is easier for those who say it was in the past, let it go, etc, are more comforted with that idea, than we are.