Difficulty pin-pointing a trigger

[gucia6]

Hi

Haven't been here for a while. Generally I am doing OK. Healing. I started the journey about a year ago thinking my issues were just due a 'simple' social anxiety. But with digging around, reading, talking to psychologist, then psychiatrist, I got diagnosed with PTSD (and CPTSD) and referenced to clinical psychologist for therapy - some things I didn't realise affected me so much, some things I thought I forgot but now sometimes they pop up in my head out of the blue. And it appears there was much more, complex and harmful stuff.

But generally now I am able to recognize some of my triggers. Sometimes it is immediate realisation, that I fell in the whirlpool of flashback. Sometimes it takes couple of days. In many cases I understand where they come from, sometimes I know exactly what was the event back then. I know what caused me often feeling betrayed and distrustful, or why I fear rejection, or why dissociating panic kicks in at slightest sign of being physically overpowered. And in most cases I know my reaction is disproportionate to what is really happening, and making sure consciously that I am actually safe, and knowing that this and that happened in the past helps me a lot to 'return' to present. Sometimes it just this 'Yup, it was trigger, I'm in flashback' is enough. Sometimes it takes couple of days to normalise.

But the only thing that 'haunts' me is overbearing fear of loss. I know people come and go. Everyone has a choice after all.

But anything that relates to someone's death, e.g. parent losing a child, or child losing parent, loss of loved ones due to accident, disaster, war, act of terrorism. It triggers physical pain, I feel disconnecting (lightheaded), helpless and hopeless, and want to completely avoid the thought. I have similar reaction when it comes to women discrimination. But here I know where it comes from, and I am actively working on my own empowerment.

But about the loss, I am unable to grasp it. I can't remember experiencing anything that made me feel this way, though I have reacted always like this way since I was a kid. Somehow not being able to pin-point it to a specific event feels like a barrier in healing, because it typically moves an avalanche of unwelcomed thoughts and memories, and pretty much triggers a whole spectrum of pain, shame, guilt, anger and resentment.

Sorry for a bit of a rant. I just needed to get it out of my chest.

G.

[Petal22]

Hi Guccia6,

Well done for starting your journey I understand it becomes quite a long and tiresome journey at times going through the ups and downs before getting to our true healing…….. it takes a lot of perseverance to keep going……..

I learned that in order to heal we need to feel.. sometimes this can be a really difficult and confronting thing to do…….. but by emotionally healing we can learn to move forward by accepting by what lays within…….

I understand that some thoughts you try to avoid maybe just let them be there and move away freely……. sometimes when we try to avoid a thought they become so much stronger……… maybe there is something in the thought maybe there isn’t… maybe a thought can bring up unwanted feelings……. When these thoughts arise you can learn to challenge them if you wish or if you are feeling some sort of guilt towards them maybe you need to look at forgiving yourself or forgiving others so you can move forward……..

Maybe not being able to pin point an exact event is ok….. just maybe try to accept the feelings and thoughts in the moment and let them pass…

I went through a mental health journey It taught me so much yes it was confronting at times but I’ve now become free because I no longer try to a avoid what arises and I can look at it with different perspectives……. I had professional help throughout my journey and I’m forever grateful to these people who helped me……..

Healing has no time…….

Im here to chat

[gucia6]

Hi Petal,

thank you for your reply.

I actually had a thought, that this lack of understanding could be just a feeling of complete lack of control of my own brain, if that makes sense.

For example, I love rules, maths, chemistry, physics, engineering, some areas of medicine. When things have logical cause-and-effect explanation, that make sense in my head, I feel in control (of myself). This ability to be able to put things together was something that allowed me to survive as a kid (and often as adult).

But when something lacks this logical chain then I am lost. It can be interpretation of literature (I usually see things different, and went beyond the provided 'what the author had in mind by...', which wasn't seen positively by my teachers at school). Or time and space 'jumps'. Well, I do enjoy the "Back to the future" movies, but there are so many things that do not make sense and raise so many questions. Or some stuff around nowadays technology, like internet, clouds, how all the data is stored, transferred etc. Those things beyond my understanding make me feel out of control. But with those examples I am ok, after all, I don't have to know all, and I can let the specialists do their job 😉

But this emotional non-understanding gives me the feeling, as if I was trapped, with nowhere to go. Maybe this is the issue in itself. That not being able to comprehend this emotion triggers the feeling of helplessness, inability to escape and being forced to just endure the abuse.

I don't know really. Now that I somewhat recovered from my last trigger, I am thinking about this without too intense emotions, it just makes me feel uncomfortable.

I guess it will be a good point to discuss with my psychologist, and maybe with her help I will be able to figure something out, or as you say, learn to see it from a different perspective.

Sorry for the blabber. I have a feeling this one was quite chaotic.

Cheers,

G.