PTSD and Trauma

I am not able to get myself back together again

replies: 5

On the 6 August I left a very violent and evil person. I was in a relationship with them. I am in a court process at the moment. I cannot seem to get me or my life together again. I've stopped reaching out for help because further damage has been don... View more

On the 6 August I left a very violent and evil person. I was in a relationship with them. I am in a court process at the moment. I cannot seem to get me or my life together again. I've stopped reaching out for help because further damage has been done by me doing that. I know I am a victim of evil cruelty. The thing is this evil cruelty has done permanent damage to my life. This evil cruelty has done damage to my brain. I feel it is not fixable, my brain that is. Its damaged skills that I had that do not feel possible anymore. I struggle to do them now. I am not only traumatised, I am horrified. I go blank as a form of protection to my mind. I'm scared of my lawyer, I am scared of court, I am scared that I am just going to sit and cry from the frustration that my mind will not work or that I have been so traumatised that I cannot talk. I do not even know what to do. I do not know who to see that can tell me what has happened to me nor what to do about it. I am in a therapy program but my therapist isn't helping. My last session I just sat and stared out the window, not there. Just stared out the window. I'm pushing everyone away from me. I want to say horrible things that enter my head but I do not say them because I talk very little now. It is like words don't come to my head or even make their way out of my mouth but inside I am screaming. I feel like I am beyond help. I am aware of things around me but they just don't mean anything or matter. I want to disappear and I do not want anyone to find me at all. Nobody wants to hear about what is going on for me. They just bring their own agenda in or there opinion of what I need to do or should be doing. Everyone including therapists treat me and the things I am going through like the elephant in the room. At that point I just want to tell everyone to get out and not ever come back. I've learnt that people are selfish when what someone else is going through creates issues for them whatever they may be, then it becomes about them and not the victim. This is what has further caused me to shut down. I have lost faith and hope in the world, in society, and I do not want to be around people anymore. I don't even want support or help because that has always come at a cost for me. I think it is fair I do not need to explain my decisions and choices to anyone anymore.

Dealing with my PTSD & trauma

replies: 6

Hello all, I suffer from PTSD, depression and anxiety. Even just typing this out is making me anxious but I feel like I just need someone to know how I feel. I was sexually assaulted by someone that I trusted. I felt disgusted with myself and was put... View more

Hello all, I suffer from PTSD, depression and anxiety. Even just typing this out is making me anxious but I feel like I just need someone to know how I feel. I was sexually assaulted by someone that I trusted. I felt disgusted with myself and was put in the mindset that it was all my fault. It took so long for me to open up to anyone due to my shame. It has been months now.. there are good days and today feels particularly bad. Noises still scare me so much and with lockdown and restrictions easing I feel even more scared that people will be able to be anywhere. I always feel paranoid and hyper vigilant with my surroundings. I can't deal with sounds late at night and I feel like I can still hear and see so much more compared to others. Every time someone shouts or yells outside, every time a car loudly passes by I hold my breath and feel like I am in danger. Every time a person comes up from behind me I feel very uneasy still. I'm glad my friends who know are very supportive but I just feel since this traumatic experience has only happened to me no one really understands what I've been dealing with. I've seen a therapist and a counsellor regarding this but I don't really feel like they fit for me, I don't feel like I was really heard or that they were really listening to my issues - I know you need to go to a few to find the one that suits you but just the thought of opening up again to someone new seems exhausting at the moment. I suppose I just feel so robbed? And angry? And upset? - I feel like I'm not even the person I used to be anymore. I fear social gatherings, I can't go and make new friends, I can't see myself going on dates, I have major issues trusting anyone and even when I'm hanging out with my friends I always am hyper aware of everything I say, their reactions and what I expect them to react in order to feel safe. I feel terrible every time I hang out with friends and would either have a panic or anxiety attack due to small triggers around me. Not really sure where this is going... I think I just needed to vent. Thank you for those who took a moment of their time to read this post & reply.

Mixed emotions after mTop

replies: 3

2 months ago I had a medical termination (you have pills and that causes the pregnancy to end just like a miscarriage) and I know it was the right decision for my family (2 beautiful girls already but can't afford another child right now, we live wit... View more

2 months ago I had a medical termination (you have pills and that causes the pregnancy to end just like a miscarriage) and I know it was the right decision for my family (2 beautiful girls already but can't afford another child right now, we live with my parents, there's 7 people in our house and the baby just wouldn't have a good life. It just wasn't the right time) um, but now I'm finding I can't be following people on social media who are pregnant and I find myself scrolling past posts about miscarriages or scrolling past pregnancy announcements. This month is infant and pregnancy loss awareness and so there's been alot of posts about it and I'm finding myself sad and full of guilt that so many people lost babies who were wanted and loved and here I am going on with my life knowing I chose to give up the baby. I suppose it doesn't help that after the termination I just moved on with my life, I didn't allow myself to grieve or even feel like I should. It wasn't until I had a dream where I broke down crying for some reason while talking to someone then said to them "I'm sorry, it all happened so quickly and I haven't had time to grieve." I woke up crying and later realised what the dream was actually about.

Is it assault?

replies: 2

Hi everyone. I am going to be speaking about SA so please if you are sensitive to this topic please don’t read ahead. My boyfriend, who knows I’ve been sexually assaulted, tells me he cares for me and would never hurt me. Yet during sex today he kept... View more

Hi everyone. I am going to be speaking about SA so please if you are sensitive to this topic please don’t read ahead. My boyfriend, who knows I’ve been sexually assaulted, tells me he cares for me and would never hurt me. Yet during sex today he kept trying something when I had said NO multiple times, I had to actually yell at him to get him to stop. I’m so upset because I’ve poured my heart and soul out to him and he knows how much I’ve been hurt in the past by SA. I trusted him. Am I overreacting ? thank you

'What If ...' Questions

replies: 4

Yesterday evening, I saw on the news. about how in some states in US?A are repealing laws, & making abortion illegal again, with no provision for women raped or (they said incest), but for me, that means rape, too. All the ‘what if...’ scenarios swir... View more

Yesterday evening, I saw on the news. about how in some states in US?A are repealing laws, & making abortion illegal again, with no provision for women raped or (they said incest), but for me, that means rape, too. All the ‘what if...’ scenarios swirl, & I am tossed about like Dorothy in the tornado. If my brother had been younger, & if it had been mutual, maybe then...but it was rape. He could have impregnated me, & I might have had a baby when I was13yrs old. Abortion was illegal then, in Qld. Decades later, I went to those rallies, chanting “free abortion on demand”, years before my own history had begun to re-emerge & solidify in my head. Later still, I faced what might have been if I had become pregnant & that is so bleeping scary. From some communications with my father, I know my father thought I had been a willing participant. He did not understand. He put it down to youthful experimenting & discovery. Would he have been able to have accepted a child? Would I have been able to accept & love my, & his, child? My (ex-stepmother) would have been mortified. I doubt there could be anything more shameful to her, no blacker mark against her reputation. I would have had to go. At the least, I would have been gagged, maybe hidden away when I got big? & that's just about him... * I know, ‘what if...’ questions, like these, when I am imagining the worst scenarios is not helpful. This just drags me down. I don’t know how to play ‘What If ...’ in an uplifting way. I would like to hear from anyone with some ideas. mmMekitty

I want to stop being angry at the bullies

replies: 14

Hi all, I'm new here... I'm JJ, 36yo queer man. I need to get something off my chest and just maybe see if any of you nice people can help me with a fresh perspective. I was bullied as a child. A lot. From preschool to the end of high school. And mor... View more

Hi all, I'm new here... I'm JJ, 36yo queer man. I need to get something off my chest and just maybe see if any of you nice people can help me with a fresh perspective. I was bullied as a child. A lot. From preschool to the end of high school. And more at university. Sometimes physically, and constantly emotionally and socially. I was ridiculed for my accent, for the way I spoke, for being bad at sports, for being intelligent and bookish, for being sensitive, for being gay (even though there's no way I was coming out while I was there. I didn't come out until well after moving away from home, I was so scared of the bullies having anything else to through at me). I would be set up to fail to provide entertainment for the group. For a long time I was the guy even the other unpopular kids would have a go at. Things slowly got better, but the damage was done. My ability to read social cues - especially around sex and relationships - was stunted and that led to a lot of anguish continuing, on and off, until now. I made some spectacularly bad relationship choices in my early 20s including a fling with a closeted man who ended up assaulting me. I have generalized anxiety disorder, depression and have worked through a lot of issues in counselling and through medication. But I still feel socially awkward and have low self esteem a lot of the time. I've learnt to accept that this is a result of the terrible way I experienced social interactions when I was just learning. I know that this isn't my fault. But it makes me angry still. I feel that I was treated so badly for so long by so many of my peers that I'm permanently damaged. And I hate that these bullies and the things they said and did still have so much power over me. I believe that through forgiveness, empathy and understanding I can move on and let go of the anger. I was even able to do this with the boyfriend who assaulted me, eventually, when he gave me a heartfelt apology. But I can't seem to do this with the high school bullies. They picked on me as a weak target, never showed remorse. They also aren't a part of my life any more, I moved to Australia from the UK after uni, my life is totally different now. But I still hate that what they did to me then still has so much power to make me feel so bad. What do you think, patient people? Can I find a way to forgive so I can try to stop living with this hanging over me? Or must we always have to carry the weight ofmour trauma? Thanks for reading JJ

Unable to wear face mask due to PTSD and Panic reaction

replies: 19

In late March 2020, I tried & could not wear a face mask. I panicked. I’m unable to wear one since. Traumatic memories and feelings came up, & now, just thinking of putting on a mask brings up those memories & feelings. Not being sociable, I thought ... View more

In late March 2020, I tried & could not wear a face mask. I panicked. I’m unable to wear one since. Traumatic memories and feelings came up, & now, just thinking of putting on a mask brings up those memories & feelings. Not being sociable, I thought I‘m OK with being home more. Physical limitations + psychological reactions & I want to be by myself, but I had been trying to get out, joined groups, even thought I had made a few friends. So much has changed. Now COVID-19 and restrictions, even the ‘eased’ restrictions in SE Qld still mean that masks are required indoors, in other people’s cars, public transport and crowded outdoor places. I can’t drive. I can’t be sure how far apart I am from others. I am living pretty much as if in strict lockdown. It is one thing to choose how to live, another to have this isolation forced upon me. I want to be careful; not put myself at avoidable risk. Finally got 2nd vax dose. But, that does not fully protect me from being infected & infecting others. It’s better (not 100%) at preventing severe illness, and I would be glad to never have to be in ICU, on ventilation. I wonder if I would need to be tranquilised to tolerate that? I am so angry at that abuser, (I want to swear here), because, after all these years since, I now have this! It puzzles me. I was able to go to a dentist (eventually), & I learned to deal with the panic and wanting to flee. & I had some surgery, a colonoscopy too, and I managed those, including having a mask give anaesthetic to me. But was I given something to help me relax beforehand? I can’t remember. As much as I have done to deal with past abuses and now this; unexpected. When I panicked it was perhaps even more of an impact than the original abuse, because I could withdraw into my head & feel cut off from what was happening. Impossible to do now. If I could, I would do it again to wear a mask & get on & do what I need. Yeah, I would save up my distress; feel & deal later. I have been dealing with this for year+½, yet, just thinking of putting on a face mask brings up those memories and feelings. The way things are going, I think I will live a ‘COVID-19 restricted’ life from here on until there is barely any COVID-19 around & masks no longer have to be worn. When? My community worker is away, Dr will have a break after that, & I’m feeling abandoned, not part of life, ignored & forgotten. I’m sure that’s untrue, & wonder, how many others are not able to wear masks, & feeling side-lined too?

The trauma and remedy of insulting remarks

replies: 7

As a child I had no better father. My mother also however due to what I believe is undiagnosed BPD or NPD later on she became toxic so I had to remove her from my life. Back to dad. He was such a good caring and considerate man that those around him ... View more

As a child I had no better father. My mother also however due to what I believe is undiagnosed BPD or NPD later on she became toxic so I had to remove her from my life. Back to dad. He was such a good caring and considerate man that those around him in our community held him in great regard. He was even asked to be a justice of the peace, a role he turned down. So, with my then undiagnosed bipolar, dysthymia, anxiety and depression I joined the Air Force at 17yo and went off the rails. Even though further careers included prison officer and PI I had a personal life that was chequered to say the least plus relationship issues. I reflected this morning what comments were made by others in my past that made the most negative impact. "You'll never be a shadow of your father" carries the deepest scar, a scar made by- yes, my mother. "when are you going to act more like your father"..."your father never got drunk"...and "your father would roll over in his grave if he knew how you are treating your mother". Some comments made by my mothers friends that had ear full after ear full from her to the extent they just had to defend her. So 11 years ago, my sister and I tossed our mother out of our lives. Today we still bare the mental scars of her treachery. However, we both must have been very strong to carry out that action and stronger still to not ever regret our decision. How? Well we were provided with the ability to judge good and bad by our father and that ability to judge came to roost when we knew in our hearts that such deplorable comments were designed to cause great harm and that was - wrong! For several decades she got away with such comments because she was powerful, manipulating and wore the mask of a matriarch. At some point my sister and I knew we would never stop her havoc and we also knew that by severing ties we would lose family members also which happened. The philosophy of standing your ground when in your mind you know wrong has been thrown at you is a difficult one to accomplish. If you find yourself emotionally trapped and you do not have the inner strength to defend yourself and to implement measures to protect yourself in your future going forward, then you might well need professional assistance to do that. Far better to place shields and distance in front of an enemy that to accept the wrath of their onslaught alone. You only have one life and its too short to waste a moment on one more insulting remark. Your thoughts? TonyWK

When is beyond lost?

replies: 3

Well here I am about to turn 28. 3 kids a beautiful partner for the better part am now facing a court date that could send me to jail with charges that I shouldn’t be charged with I have ligament & nerve damage in my wrist from nsw police and now als... View more

Well here I am about to turn 28. 3 kids a beautiful partner for the better part am now facing a court date that could send me to jail with charges that I shouldn’t be charged with I have ligament & nerve damage in my wrist from nsw police and now also multiple past suicide attempts I want to know when is enough I remember a loving kid who cared even after the 9 years of abuse me and my mother faced, and my dad took me away to live with his partner while he tricked around aus, and was abusive when he was home I got out when I could come down to be with my maternal relatives and that’s when it started going down hill I disclosed what my uncle had done tore the family got called a liar got threatened my mums mum and 2 brothers believed me as well as mum then I hit drugs for many years got clean when I had my daughter with the mother that had cheated on me from the first 3 weeks and for the whole 3 year relationship I pretty much solely raised my daughter for the first almost 2 years then once I finally had enough of her taking off for weeks on end and broke it off and agreed half custody each she up and ran left me with debt the whole lot hit the drugs for another year solidly got my self in a whole lot of trouble then I got clean again but for me cause I knew I would end up dead or in jail ironic right with my past suicide attempts but I did 2015 here we are 2021 after fighting for 5 years in family law court I won sole parental custody after the abuse my daughter experienced I now find myself back in family law court which the mum is taking me back to court because of my recent suicide attempt even though my partner took the kids out way before that we know my mental health was slipping I want to know how we as a society have become so contempt in a chaotic slippery slope I’m tired I’m lost I’m starting to think I’ll never be found is there a point of no return or is there a turning point because at the moment the lines are very blurred and my question is am I beyond lost ?

Im losing the love of my life..

replies: 12

I have made many mistakes over the past 12 months the biggest one being I did the worst thing possible in a relationship - being unfaithful. Something I will never forgive myself for. I have had to hold on to the guilt and the decision I made not to ... View more

I have made many mistakes over the past 12 months the biggest one being I did the worst thing possible in a relationship - being unfaithful. Something I will never forgive myself for. I have had to hold on to the guilt and the decision I made not to come forward and now I'm paying the consequences. There has been 2 occasions and one I hoped I never had to relive. January this year I was taken advantage of by someone that I classed as a mate and although I'm his eyes I may have given him the wrong impression he forced himself on me and I had no control. Gut wrenching! I never did anything about it as I was so scared and while I have had break downs over it I just wanted to forget. I dealt with this mostly in silence. Second time I made the wrong decision (my head cloudy with lots of alcohol and drugs) and I made a completely life changing decision and not in a good way. We were friends and agreed it wasn't to happen again. I have been holding onto this for nearly 6 months and I poured my heart out to my closest friends. But now it's come out and my partner has been told of my mistakes. I have hurt him so bad, he is so angry at me - swearing at me, saying I basically asked to be taken advantage of, telling me he hopes my girls never turn out like me etc. Iv lost him, and I have lost myself. I'm trying to fight for him and I'm making changes to prove I can be that girl again he loved so much. My partying ways distroyed our relationship but he was hanging on but now he can't anymore. He deserves to be angry and I deserve to cop what ever comes my way - I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water for my two beautiful girls and each day is a battle. How did I become this person and why have I hurt the one person that I truly love. And now I'm losing him.. I'm nothing without him by my side. I would give anything to try and make this work I really would

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I am not able to get myself back together again

replies: 5