Too repressed to ever have a relationship? (TW)

[Icantthinkofaname]

Over the course of my life, either as a result of what I was exposed to, or what I exposed my self to in coping with it, I've locked away all notion of sex/sexuality in a box labeled "do not touch." It kept me safe when my only sexual/romantic relationships were detrimental.

But now I'm 18. I'm an adult that hasn't kissed since 13 - if we're even counting that. I heard a peer talk about crushes and dating, and it reminded me that other people still feel that. A special type of joy, nervous butterflies, holding someone's hand. THings that feel childish and unsafe simultaneously. Things that feel like they will never be mine again.

I'm at a place that is still too afraid to even conceptualise myself being viewed in a sexual/romantic way, but this small voice, the young romantic I once was, yearns for it.

And it sucks because I should have spent my teen years experimenting with "love" and crushes and sexuality. But instead they were spent fortifying a brick wall, locking me inside, and everyone else out. I don't know what to do with it now.

[Sophie_M]

Hey icantthinkofaname, Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. We are so sorry to hear how you have been feeling at the moment in regards to how your romantic life is going. Please know that there is nothing weird or abnormal at all about to being 18 and not having been romantic or sexual with anyone. You are very young and have a whole lifetime to work through these issues. You are not alone in how you feel either. Everyone goes through these things at different stages in their life due to their own development and their own experiences. It is okay to start experimenting at any age. There are no right or wrong when it comes to these sorts of things. We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness.  If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.  It might also be helpful to just talk some of these feelings through with one of the counsellors. We would also recommend getting in touch with  Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.  1800 55 1800.

[Positive_vibes89]

Dear Icantthinkofaname,

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. Please do not feel that at 18 you need to have experience with relationships and sex. It sounds like that you feel a little bit of pressured because others have experiened this before yourself. But know this, everyone is different and will experience different things at different times.

I was 19 when I first lost my virginity and kissed a boy. I went all though highschool on a journey of self discovery, never was interested in boys. There is always the right time for things to happen in life and Im happy that I waited until I was 19. I felt that I was not a mature adult to understand the concept of love, sex and relationships. As an young adult you are still learning about relationships and feelings. There is no right time or wrong time. It is about what feels right. You will meet the right person that will make you feel comfortable in experiencing a relationship and sex.

I am here for you if you would like to ask me any questions or discuss things further.

All the best,

Tee