huge decision to make

[24yearoldgirl]

So as some of you already know, I'm 25 now, and I've been a carer for my mum since 2012, due to her head injury..

My mum doesn't need full-time physical care, and is not physically disabled.. I just help out cleaning the house. Plus if I leave she'll be financially worse off, and can't afford to rent a house or unit by herself.. even housing has a long wait list.

What is annoying for me, she doesn't do much for herself, she drinks a lot of a nighttime to ease her depression.

I'm finding it really hard to breakaway without feeling guilty or selfish. On the other hand I fear wasting my whole life for my mum, when she isn't really helping herself.

Thinking about packing and leaving to the backpackers, this would be a great chance to meet new people, and start a job or study..

Any thoughts or advice?

[Aaronsis]

Hi 24yearoldgirl

Firstly I wanted to say how much of a big role it is to be a carer and while I have no idea other than looking after two children, how hard it would be, not only to see your mother in this state but to also be relied on by her. I can hear in your post how torn you are between the life you want for yourself and the life that you feel you should be doing to support your mother. Then if that alone is not enough you are struggling with how she is behaving and the choices she is making for herself which in turn do effect you too.

I am so sorry you are going through this as I can only imagine how torn you are feeling with wanting to start a life that is yours and to meet new people and to do what you would like to be doing.

It would also be very easy for me to say to you that you are entitled to a life of your own and you have every right to walk out the front door and to start living your life, and while this is very true then how do you manage the guilt and the feelings of being so selfish that you are talking about.

I am wondering if there are other people in your family that could stop in and check in on her or even if she has some friends that would stop in from time to time to see how she is doing and to perhaps have a meal with her and some company? With a few different people coming and going they could share the caring and let you to live a life that you are so badly craving.

I am also wondering if you could contact your local council and see if there are some services that you could engage to come and to assist your mum in living alone too, so that she does have the care that is needed but without you having to be involved directly, just an idea.

I hope to chat some more with you and in the meantime I will have a look at perhaps some online support that you could reach out to to help you through this time.

Huge hugs

Sarah

[Sophie_M]

Hi 24yearoldgirl,

Thank you so much for sharing on the forums today. We can see the lovely community have some wisdom and understanding for you, and we hope you find it helpful.

It might be good to discuss this with the Carer Gateway Counselling Service. You can call them on 1800 422 737 from 8am to 6pm on weekdays, or you can book in a call back from them on the website, here. You could also ask them about respite, as it might be a good way to test the water before making this decision.

It sounds like you care very deeply for your mum. There’s nothing easy about caring for a parent, especially when there are other things going on, like excessive drinking. We hope you know the Beyond Blue line is always here for you to reach out and talk about how things are going. The counsellors are kind, and supportive, and will be able to talk through this decision with you anytime, on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat here.

It’s really good to hear that you’re thinking of all the things you could do, whether it’s studying, meeting people, or working. Please know that this community is here for you, and has plenty of kindness, wisdom and understanding to share with you. We hope Aaronsis’s lovely words are helpful to you, and we hope you know that the community is here for you, so do feel free to share more, anytime you feel comfortable to.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi 24yearoldgirl,

How beautiful that you help your mum out …..

Have you spoken to your mum about her drinking and depression? Maybe your mum could seek help from a psychologist about the way she is feeling?

Does your mum have other friends and family? If you chose to move out would there be another opportunity for someone else to move in to help your mum out financially?

Could you start studying while still living with your mum?

In regards to meeting new people you could still do this by joining a group or taking up a new hobby?

Im here to chat

[24yearoldgirl]

Hey Petal22, Aaronsis, and Sophie_M..

Thank you all for your replies, I'll try to cover everything in one reply here..

I have just put my keyboard (piano) up for sale on gumtree, and I'm not sure if it's the right choice.. If i pack & leave, ill be leaving most of my comforts behind, and ill be at the backpackers, so wont have my own room or space anymore. However my lease ends in 3 weeks anyway.

I have a lot of trauma, and finding it very hard to leave, to the point where I start breaking down (crying or having negative thoughts).

Mum is not very social, she was offered ndis support and a social worker, but didn't want the help. Mum can also be manipulative. There is no way i can speak to her about anything such as her drinking..

We got back in touch with the family recently after years of no contact.. so we were thinking of meeting them, however they are so busy with there own lives..

Luckily, I do have a social worker, who is definitely pushing me to leave for study or work.. i also attend an art group.

I can handle the guilt, I'm just really struggling whether to pack, or stay for the end of my lease, even though the comfort is only temporary..

[Aaronsis]

Hi 24yearoldgirl

That is a great step forward to put your piano up for sale, I am sure it was very difficult for you to do that so well done. As you said you are not sure if it is the right choice, time will be a good indicator of that and if you find at anytime it is not the right thing to do you can always take the add down. I think by doing this though you have made a small choice for you to start to reclaim your life, well done.

You are right in that if you do pack and leave you will be leaving your comforts behind and that is alot to think about and to have to do. However they are just things and I am sure that your freedom and the ability to live a life you so desperately want would rate higher than your things. You can in time get some new things when you find yourself settled in a place that sees you happy.

I hear you that thinking about the actual act of leaving causes you to break down. It will be a very hard thing to do. Can I also suggest to you that the situation in which you are role playing in your head may actually not be how the day goes if you choose to leave. I say that as when I left my husband I had role played so many horrific scenarios in my brain and got myself into a frenzy, on the day I left it actually went nothing like I had played it out in my head. Maybe this will be true for you also.

The other thing that I have learnt while being here in this community is that you can offer your help and your assistance and put things in place but if the person refuses to engage in help or support you are not able to force it. As you mentioned she has declined assistance from NDIS and also a social worker, does it there fore become your issue to manage? while you feel like in your mind the answer is yes, can I suggest the answer is no. There are things in the community that she can rely on to provide her the care she needs along side of you, which lets you have a relationship with your mother and not be her carer. Which could in turn see you do things for her out of love and not resentment, guilt or obligation...that might be quite nice.

Use your social worker to support you, I am so happy to hear you have that in place for yourself. That is great.

Another idea is that maybe you can start in small doses, maybe you could start to stay with a friend or family member one or two nights a week and then slowly increase the time you are away until you find your feet, if leaving permanently is too much to manage.

Hugs

Sarah

[24yearoldgirl]

I sold my keyboard, was quite sad afterwards, but hopefully someday i'll have another one..

Also found a few short-term places i can afford until i get back on my feet. Not sure if i mentioned i applied for some courses 🙂

Still finding it quite hard the thought of leaving, but i've packed my things, so i could leave anytime.

My main worry is my mum won't be financially stable. She is not well enough to work.

Sometimes i wonder if i'm better off with mum for stability, but then i think about the times she can be mean.

Today, she said i was having an "episode" reffering to my mental health, because i asked her to pay half of the groceries.

[Aaronsis]

Hi 24yearoldgirl

It is great to hear back from you and I do want to say congratulations for selling the keyboard, even though I can here in your post it was a hard choice to make, but an important one so you can make the next step forward in your life. You are very right, you can have another one one day, something to look forward to.

That is fantastic that you can have some options for some accommodation that is affordable and that will see you until you get on your feet, that is wonderful and I am really proud you started the search to find somewhere else to live, once again, not easy I am sure.

That must have been really tough to have packed all your things up ready to leave, but I am wondering if there was also some feeling of joy and some feeling of excitement even that you are about to take on the next part of your life and to make a choice that is for you and your happiness?

I hear you in that you are worried about your mum's financial situation and I understand that would be a big worry for you, however there is nothing wrong from time to time to chip in and help her if she needs, I also think too though this may be a time where your mum has to think about what she is spending her money on now that you are not around to share the load, this may also help her drinking too, she simply may not be able to afford so much, what do you think about that?

That is unfair that she put down your asking for money as an "episode". That would have been hurtful too that you are paying for things and to have half paid back to you is not unreasonable so be told you are having and "episode" I am sure was hard for you. Your mum might also be using any reason to lash out if she is feeling anxious or upset at your leaving, that is perfectly normal for her to be worried or fear what lay ahead for her. However, please do not be persuaded to stay out of guilt or anger from your mother. You make a choice that is right for you, perhaps not ideal for her but at the end of the day you are entitled to a happy and fulfilling life.

Well done on applying for some courses and I hope that these come through for you and give you some more things to look forward to and to get yourself in to, well done.

Hope today is a brighter day for you and I look forward to chatting some more to you.

Hugs

Sarah

[24yearoldgirl]

Just an update,

packed my things and ready to leave.. having a break from home, as it's getting too much for me to handle.. hearing voices and neighbours talking about me.

Have nice weekend everyone 🙂