PTSD behaviours

[LinaWarrior96]

About 6 months ago, a really toxic person moved out of my house. He wasn't paying rent on time which was the main reason he was asked to leave, but the other reason was that he was emotionally manipulative. He didn't hit anyone, but he would blow up if something small wasn't done his way. It got to the point where we weren't allowed to drink water from a tap if he was asleep. He literally turned off the water because we had woken him up with it. If there were dishes in the sink he would slam doors, or storm off. On more than one occasion he ran off and threatened to harm himself.

It honestly feels like such a long time ago, but still it feels like I'm still scared by him. I still jump if a door is closed a little too hard. Today, one of my housemates left the house and my first thought was "oh god, what did I forget to do?", and the first thing I wanted to do was text that housemate to check what I did wrong. I thought I was past all of these behaviours. I still get a little weird about turning on taps too late. My psychologist basically told me to practice exposure therapy. Turn on some taps, or leave dishes in the sink. But doors closing, particularly the front door (which is especially loud most of the time), is really hard for me. I don't know if I'm really looking for advice, but I just wanted to tell my story and not feel completely crazy for being scared of things like doors closing. Am I alone? Because I feel like I should've moved passed this already.

[Croix]

Dear LinaWarrior96~

Welcome here to the Forum, it was a good move as there is really no road-map to PTSD recovery, everyone is different. It may sound silly but years later I was still frightened of going down my drive to the mailbox.

The fact is you were consistently injured (mentally) by this person imposing their violent and unreasonable will on you, making you obey their selfish rules, probably simply from an instinct to control and have everything their own way.

It takes time to heal from PTSD and anxiety, in my case meds plus therapy too, as well as a most supportive family. There is no "I should have moved past this already", there is only patience and recovery in your own time - with help.

While your psych my be right about 'exposure therapy', I do think there is a fundamental difference between leaving the dishes and hearing a door slam -which makes reminds one of his coming in or storming out.

It is a real injury and takes time, please do not judge yourself as if you were uninjured, it simply is a trap that makes you feel worse.

I'm glad you are seeking therapy, do you have anyone around you who is the to give you support, a housemate, friend or family who will listen and care?

I hope you talk here some more

Croix

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi LinaWarrior96,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for deciding to join us and post here. I promise you that you are not alone in this.

For me, this was my parents, and I've been living alone now and I still feel the same way at times despite knowing logically that everything is okay. You might know now you are allowed to turn the tap on, but allowing yourself to feel safe and feel that it's okay to do so is a whole new level. The really nerdy part of me wants to share with you that it's a different part of the brain, not the logic side- which is why the 'why aren't I over this already' is not so easy.

This is what happens in trauma- that the fear and emotion that we experienced hasn't let go yet. It's not your fault even though I'm sure it feels silly at times. I still feel silly when I'm trying to be careful or asking for lots of reassurance; it can just take a little while to feel safe.

Slamming doors can also be apart of exposure therapy too. Whether thats you doing it, or someone that you trust (and feel safe with) doing it. Just practicing and knowing that that sound is okay now.

It's taken me a really really long time to move through this, and I'm not there yet, but I hope it helps a little knowing that you're not crazy, you're not alone and you are in good company here.

rt

[mmMekitty]

Hello LinaWarrior96,

I am sorry you have had the experiences with living with an emotionally manipulative/controlling person, and now, you are living with the after effects.

It will take time, lots of caring for yourself, being gentle with yourself.

I too, get jumpy. Noises are terrible. I need to identify what is causing the noise to stop listening (as it repeats in my mind), to make me feel OK again. Often I cannot and must reach for a distraction. Sometimes I have had feeling people are around, outside one door or the other, or briefly, but I recognise the feeling, that someone is inside my flat when I return home. (I don't worry about that lately, being home so ** much)

I have learned their standards do not have to be mine. I can do 'good enough'.

Lately, because I am sick of my noisy neighbours, and I have tried for all the years I have lived here to be considerate and conscious of how loud my TV or music/book reading is, and I am careful about the door (would be if I had no neighbours), I am turning up the volume some more, so I can hear my TV or music/book reading from my bedroom. I want to hear it when I am unable to sleep, (not my tinnitus). I do not want to hear theirs. Their arguing and foul language is disturbing, and all their sounds of living feel intrusive to me.

I don't think this is unusual. Lots of people feeling stress or anxiety feel extra-sensitive to various sorts of stimuli. I think, when I was obviously depressed, I could not stand 'life' around me; it felt too incongruous with how I was thinking and feeling.

I still have a lot of problems with causing noise, either dropping, banging, or via my own voice - I am unable to shout, but, hey, live here another 10 years with these neighbours and I just might do it! I want to, to mimic them, or scream "stop bleeping shouting at each other, you bleeping bleepers!",(to use their own vocabulary(, or just an inarticulate scream of frustration or anger. I would like to throw something, smash it against a wall & feel some release of emotion in the process.

I do not know if I ever will.

I think your Psychologist has a good idea, which does take time. It takes time to experience that you do not have to fear anymore. It is like because he is in your head, he's still in your house. You are having some success, right? & there is no set time limit.

Life, as I am sure someone said, is a work in progress. I think that is how I have got to view my own situation.

mmMekitty