Engagement horror story

[Gabriellep]

I moved to Sydney 2 years ago. History of toxic/abusive relationships and was excited to start fresh. A friend from back home introduced me to her friend who was living here and I met him for a drink and soon were dating. He was different than my usual types- kind, polite, attentive, did everything for me. 6 months later he moved in. I notice at times he would space out/mood would suddenly change. Was often confused and pushed it aside as him being a perfectionist and has a blackbelt in karate.

It was during lockdown and were working from home in 1 bedroom apartment did I realise he was depressed and anger issues (would sleep a lot, couldnt focus on work, always on his phone and taking it to toilet) I started feeling uneasy, he has many female friends and one kept messgaing him. The fights started, I threatened to leave and he assaulted me, immediately apologising and alluded to harming himeslef. I was so shocked at this loving man. lockdown ended and he got back to his 'old' self and proposed in November. The abuse continued shortly after and by January he was so far gone I couldnt reach him (his parents had arrived to meet me as international travel opened. The night I was about to send out save the dates, I saw dating advert on his phone and when confronted he blurted it out he has a pornography addiction. He views it at work to it, in our home while I worked in the other room. I couldnt breathe/sleep and next day he escalated and we got him admitted to a ward where diagnosed with major depression and blind rage (ptsd). When discharged, I insisted he move out, cancelled our wedding and gave the ring back. It's been 3 months since the night and I've undergone TRTP therapy. We are in communication and he blames me for not standing by him. Reading this I know most would say run for the hills but I need a bit of support from those who can relate. I am sad, angry but slight feeling of limbo. Hearing his and my therapist say if we continue they need to put a safety plan in place and that in itself seems to be my answer as who would want to live the rest of their lives with a safety plan in place against the very person who is meant to love and protect you?

[Sophie_M]

Hi  Gabriellep,

We're so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it sounds like it has been a really tough time. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. We hope that you can get some support here, the community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can also reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732. 

Intimiate partner violence is never ok, and we hope you are able to stay safe and strong.

We have sent you a private email so that we can support you further.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[Guest_7403]

Your safety is first and forefront.

The question I would ask is that, is the ptsd untreated causing violent outbursts or is he just a violent person with mental health issues? The two for me are seperate.

If he attends treatment, attends programs and does what is needed to stabilise the ptsd that might help.

If he is someone who refuses treatment, doesn't engage in therapy and continues this path of instability leading to violent outbursts then 100% walk away with no guilt.

It is a very difficult illness to manage (sufferer here) but it cannot be used to justify bad behaviour.

You need to set strong boundaries and stick to them.

[Gabriellep]

He has been unmedicated and never sought help for 34 years, I believe in the treatment centre where he was for 21 days they unpacked the triggers and that is bullying at school and girls never wanting to date him or chosen to dance at parties - and that fear of rejection (me saying I can't stay) is what triggers the blind rage. I would not say he is a violent person - but gets angry quickly in traffic or when questioned and he has swearing outburts. The abuse was not calculated but I can only explain it as he becomes another person and then returns to sensibility when he snaps out of it - and is disgusted (almost confused) with what he has done.

He is medicated and there's been no further issues (but we are also not living together) - the waitlist is so long for specialised therapy so he only started individual therapy now. He's asked on numerous occasions to go for couples therapy but I cannot bring myself to do it as he has such a long way to go before we are even at that stage. I also feel I am an enabler for him to not get better and spending most of my energy on what to do vs looking after myself. Work is being impacted and if I continue down this cycle, I stand to self destruct more and more.

Thanks for your candidness and I think I am answering my own questions.

[therising]

Hi Gabriellep

I'm so glad to hear that you're managing to answer a lot of your own questions in relation to such a massive challenge. Personally, I've found the hardest part of becoming more conscious involves the initial 'waking up' period. The easier part comes with fully making sense of what you've woken up to. Overall, it can be such a seriously tough process.

While he's experienced deeply upsetting events in the past and I really feel for him, for you to have to face the brutal repercussions of that is just not on. It's horrible, what you've experienced - so fearful and shocking. I can't fully imagine the incredible disappointment, given your experiences with the relationships before that. My heart goes out to you.

While we all become super emotionally charged on occasion, we can typically manage those charges constructively. One way might be to question the charge, why it's come, being thoughtful. Another way might involve walking away from the triggering situation so as to calm down and gradually return to a state of peace, which provides the the ability to resolve things.

I think you're right to be super cautious, looking at the amount of work he needs to do in order to manage those charges. While things may appear under control at the moment, future triggers would be of concern if he hasn't managed to master self understanding and self control. For example, if you were to have kids together in the future, they may be highly excitable noisy little things. I have a couple of my own 🙂 If he can't tolerate a lot of noise, he may be left feeling highly emotionally charged. If he yells at you to 'Shut them up!' and you don't manage to quieten them down, I'd hate to think of the outcome (him taking his intolerance out on you). Another factor here, may involve him reacting to his children's nature instead of calmly coming to understand it. So it's kind of like you spend your time, as a mum, making sure your kids' suppress their nature so as not to trigger him. That's no way to live, in fear and suppression.

As a mum, I've found sometimes you gotta fight for what you feel is best for your kids. The only time I've ever had major arguments with my husband has involved fighting for the rights of my kids. I'd do just about anything for them. While my husband has never laid a hand on me, he has been infuriated under such circumstances.

Spending time on analysing what we deserve is, in my opinion, time well spent. It's about loving yourself to life 🙂

[Gabriellep]

Hi therising,

You've written such powerful words here and the first paragraph sums it up so well. It is amazing how we process and looking back to 3 months ago to now, things do slowly start to make more sense as you 'wake up' and move out of fight, flight, freeze mode. In the sadness pahse now as the night I found out, I knew I could not continue and to this day I know deep down I cannot. Too many layers here ranging from fear to betrayal and to start a marriage like that, I worry what may ocurr when additional stressors of marriend and every day life come with that.

I am glad you brought up the topic of children - I want them so very much. I am also a very dedicated and hands on aunty and in finding this all out - my immediate protector mode switched on and they came first.

Thanks again for this powerful response and yes, this has equally been a journey of self love for m. 3 years ago I may have stayed and kept quiet, and that is progress in itself 🙂

[therising]

Hi Gabriellep

Can be such a confronting experience when we fully wake up to something and suddenly find our self facing some overwhelming sense of grief. While waking up to something or someone can be liberating, it can also be depressing in some ways. Moving beyond what we've woken up to can call for the kind of fearlessness great change demands. It can all be such an emotionally charged and emotionally exhausting experience.

Such an experience can push us to exercise our imagination like never before. It can bring the visionary in us to life. Through the visionary, we are led to see the future. Being careful with how we see it calls for more demands. It's such hard work at times. I think it's always helpful if we've got people around us who can see a more positive future for us, while we're getting used to seeing it for our self. Having a circle of guides is so important when we're going through a major mind altering life changing transition. I hope you've got a good circle.

It sounds like various parts of you have been coming to life over time. The part of you that refuses to tolerate abuse, the part of you that is coming to life to help you see the way forward, the self loving part of you that is demanding you recognise what you deserve etc. I've come to find - in every great challenge we give birth to a new part of our self. What or who comes next when it comes to meeting with all the different facets of our self over time can offer fascinating contemplation. I think our intolerant sense of self can be a powerful and fierce dictator, dictating 'You will never treat me this way again. I will simply not tolerate it!'. There are so many powerful aspects to who we truly are. Feeling somewhat lost at times as we gradually come to discover them is all part of the journey 🙂