39 year marriage and mental abuse

[Broken_and_binned_]

I left my husband 3 months ago, and I am having trouble with him gaslighting me as well as love bombing me.

He has another young woman in his life who is younger than our youngest daughter, but keeps lying about everything, and blames me for his infidelities.

He says extremely nasty things to me about my body and my mental situation which he has put me in over the years. This has become so bad that I have turned into something I am not, and that being nasty and hateful like him, but that isn’t me at all!

I am teetering on the edge, and the hurt is too much. I can’t stop shaking, tears just flow at any moment, and the anxiety is out of control!

I want this to end, and even though I have left him, it’s getting worse, and the love I have for him won’t shut off!

He called it quits on our marriage and informed me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and felt like that on and off for about 30 years! He wanted me out of our home as I said to him “I spose you want me to get out as well”, and he said yes, so I did. It was a hard thing to do giving that I love him, but considering his explosions in the past, I really had no choice. It was fear that helped me get out!

He has accused me of sleeping with everyone he knows, which I haven’t, and I have been devoted to him since I was almost 15 years old!

There is so much to this non story, but I don’t want to divulge too much as I am feeling really stupid, used, and discarded about pretty much everything in life!

I don’t know if he is Schizophrenic or has NPD, but his paranoia is over the top!
My head just spins out of control and I can’t eat. I can’t think. I can’t go to sleep then when I do I wake numerous times through the night, and sometimes I wake having a panic attack!

Teo of our three kids, adults actually, and our grandkids, won’t have anything to do with him, so I am blamed for that.

He forgets that our three kids have been there and seen as well as heard what happened in our home, but thinks they’re so n so’s for thinking that anything bad was happening! He was just abusing their mum verbally, or he threw a hot cup of coffee over me which they seen, my car keys thrown on the house roof, and much more!

I’m actually, or was a fun and comical person so everyone is telling me and now this has happened, my family and friends are not only shocked, but can now understand why I became a distant and sad individual!

My heart is shattered to bits and my whole persona has left earth it feels.

Does this ever end?

[Sophie_M]

Hey Broken and binned,
Welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage.
We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness.
We would strongly urge that you contact. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/
If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

 

[white knight]

Hi b and b, welcome.

I think we can help you.

Guilt, pain, sorrow, feeling of failure is just examples of how we feel when separating. The longer you were together the harder it is.

Being together that long has conditioned you to feel obligated to remain with some connections to him, yet, you have the power to limit such connections based on your tolerance, mental well being and legal obligations like property settlement

Eg I would write a note telling him I no longer want him to ring, text, door knock or email me. That he can write only. That gives you the option to read, digest and then respond if you wish at your own pace. If he fails and connects you then you can block his number. If he door knock he is breaching privacy you ask for so the next step is a court order.

All property matters can be dealt with legally.

Gaslighting is severe abuse. It festers guilt and can be very effective. Your mental state appears to require repair from this behaviour. You need rest and your own space.

It is important to know at this point that finding distractions is vital. Hobbies, sports, clubs or groups of people in likewise situations. Get busy enough that you haven't got the time to dwell.

My FIL left my MIL for a woman 1 year older than my wife. It hurt them even though it's not illegal.

Put simply you deserve better and putting in place strategies of protection will heal you quicker.

Repost anytime

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TonyWK

[Broken_and_binned_]

Thank you Tony 🙂

I wish I could just forget him, at the snap of a finger. How nice that would be…

I have blocked him but his emails go straight to the bin. So, I can still read them. After what was sent last night, I won’t be responding ever again,

I have engaged a lawyer now, so that’s worrying me greatly, however I am living 2.5 hrs from him and the police have short listed me as a priority after what he had sent via text the morning he got home and I had fled!

Every time I read something or listen to a podcast on Narcissists, I discover something else he has done/said, or pulled on me 🤯

It is extremely confronting, but what’s worse, I have known everything and I questioned everything and I got “it’s all in your head”.
So I question myself ALL the time, second guess myself like I don’t trust my own intelligence.

Everyone says that I will get through this, but I feel that the worst is yet to come and I don’t think I am strong enough to weather it!

[white knight]

Sometimes people an be cruel...and it isn't illegal.

You will get through this. You will.

TonyWK

[Broken_and_binned_]

I hope I do sincerely!

I have been told things that I won’t share about me physically, which disgusted me, but it’s insult to injury over and over and over…

I don’t think I could ever be in love with anyone again because now I have this revolting image of myself from his perspective.

I know his angle is to break me and it has worked, and the problem is that things said such as what he did, with never be overcome.

[white knight]

Hi b and b

Back in 1996 after 11 yerars of marriage to a woman that used narcissistic methods including silence for up to 6 weeks at a time, I tried to take my life. We had two daughters 7 and 4yo. I had been working 3 jobs including 42 hours a week shift work to entertain her wishes to remain home with the children, however she was lazy and over time stopped housework, cooking and when the girls were young, changing nappies of which I had done more often than her.

I survived that period, one week later after my father said "better for your kids to be a great part time dad than no dad at all"...I left. Broke my heart kissing my girls on the forehead as they slept then drove off, by the time I got to the end of our street my tears turned to laughter- she didnt win.

Her second husband and a third partner had the same issues with her. I went on and eventually remarried and have been with my wife for 10 years. My eldest stopped seeing her mother and treat my wife as "mum".

You havent had many opportunities if at all to obtain evidence that he is toxic and guilty of actions, in fact he is gaslighting which is placing his guilt onto you. As likely a weaker (but not worse) personality perhaps submissive or a people pleaser, you take what he says like a sponge. He knows you inside out and for that reason alone you have to break the bond.

LOVE- You dont need to be "in love" again. If it comes naturally then fine but for now eliminate it from your mind because your self image will place burden upon your own expectations. My lovely beautiful wife has a plump shape. Prior to us marrying (we'd known each other 25 years beforehand) all my partners had been slim and petite. I absolutely adore her. She is kind, loves animals, giggly, tends to my needs like a nurse and is devoted and trustworthy. Thats why earlier I said "you deserve better".

It is fair for you to say "will never be overcome" - because things said can never be overcome, its factual. Just before I walked out of my first marriage I was yelling at my wife- "you have divided this family and robbed our girls of their father due to your words" ... or similar. Then she blew a smoke ring into my face in contempt. I then left. My point is- that I held onto that for several years. I'm proud I didnt physically explode. The thing is, I eventually let it go in my mind in terms of how important it was. Many mnore things took over like my daughters needs and building a new house.

Distractions and time...

TonyWK

[Broken_and_binned_]

Tony I am not following when you mention evidence about him being toxic.

I have been made to not bother with my old school friends, he put them down and would say that they aren’t good friends etc.

When I stopped phoning them and getting together with them, he went out of his way to be friends with them which confused me. It was like someone being a middle man, but if I did call either of them, I copped the same thing about them not being my friends! He would text at Christmas and new year’s and say “ I have text ??? to say whatever”.

If I went shopping and took longer for what ever reason, which was usually because I thought he could go to bugggery and I will enjoy my alone time, he would text me. “Where are you, are you with someone”? The suspicions and innuendos would start.
Even now, we aren’t together but if I don’t ( well up until weekend just gone) text him straight back - BOOM- I’m with someone and up to no good! 🤷‍♀️

[Broken_and_binned_]

WHAT A DRONGO…

My marriage was 36 years on the 11th, but we had been together for 39 years…

I said my head won’t stop spinning 😵‍💫

[white knight]

Hi,

"You havent had many opportunities if at all to obtain evidence that he is toxic and guilty of actions, in fact he is gaslighting which is placing his guilt onto you." Not said well by me I'm sorry. I meant that up till now you havent had enough evidence to convince yourself of his toxicity, rather you're still in the frame of mind that what he says is valid or important where what he says is inaccurate or plain wrong.

Eg "I have been made to not bother with my old school friends, he put them down and would say that they aren’t good friends etc.". Normally people arent "made" to discard old school friends. Most people (in your situation) would demand that their controlling partner leaves you alone to enjoy them!. He actions suggest possessiveness. Not only is he controlling but when we enable them over time to control us sometimes we are unaware of how much control they have on our lives.

Do you feel better now that you've separated?

TonyWK