Playing Jenga with my life?

[Guest_2350]

My life is based on some personal values and beliefs. During the treatment in the last few months I often got confused. Confused about my feelings, confused about my relationships to other people, people that are close to me, confused about the memories that keep popping up out of nowhere.

As I am going deeper in the past - I ask myself: If these situations steered the course of my life, impacted on my life so signifcantly to cause me mental and physical issues now - then who am I? I feel like I am playing Jenga with my life. What if I take out a core relationship and everything just falls over? Can I accept that I hate a person I was meant to love? Can I forgive and move on? Can I accept that I love and hate that person? Then there are other people that have caused so much grief in my life and changed my life forever, but it was not their fault. I have moved away physically, but also removed my heart because I cannot bear the pain. I have learnt how to look excited when opening a present, when to laugh if people are laughing, how to mingle in public, but I don't feel it. I can also detach when being sad, change face in an instant. Have I just built a pretty facade? Put the Jenga pieces on top of each other without making sure the foundation is ok? I am going back so far in my past, that I am worried what I may find out about myself. I am worried to start questioning the core relationships I have now - and then what?

Are there others here that are working through childhood/young adulthood trauma? How have you coped? Am I over thinking this?

I am safe and I know I will be able to get up from this chair and do something to distract myself. But I needed to ask this question, as it has popped up so many times over the last few months, and I think I just figured out, why this confuses me so much.

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil and Sherie,

on the subject to talking to your respective partner. My husband obviously accepts and puts up with the little or lot of bits and pieces where I am feeling and behaving different to other people. Otherwise we would not have lasted this long. The psych asked me a few times how my husband thinks of certain behaviours I have - especially avoidance behaviours - and I just know he is used to it, he just does what he needs to do the job for me or make me feel comfortable, no questions asked, no weird comments - he just completes my little messed up puzzle in my head. I always found our relationship to be this way, we step in where the other one needs support.

Sherie, independent of whether you have put a name to your issues, do you feel supported by your husband?

Skeeters? Mozzies? Whatever it is, we have loads at the moment, the weather seems to be the perfect breeding conditions for those little terrors! I love the way the Aussies are always finding shortcuts for words, love the lingo 🙂

Take care, Yggy

[Guest_5218]

Hi Yggy,

It sounds like your husband is very understanding and supportive.  You are lucky in that regard.

You ask me if I feel supported by my husband.  The simple answer to that is no ..........

He is too wrapped up in his own issues.  He is a very self-centred person, and if I have a sore toe, he has a broken leg.  Get the gist?  So to put it simply, I could never ever have anything worthy of his care or consideration.

You're right about the mozzies, definitely ideal breeding conditions for them.  Hope that Zeta virus doesnt find its way South.

I hope this week will be a better one for you Yggy.  Take care, continue to be strong, and lean on that hubby of yours if you need to.  Just because you can.

Sherie xx

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil and Sherie,

How are you both? I hope you are okay and you had a good weekend.

Sherie, I am sorry your husband does not support you. Even with that frame of mind he has, do you think he supports you unknowingly? Do you feel loved in general? My husband does not understand why I am feeling bad and I don't share much with him, but like I said, thinking about it, he has always supported my weird behaviours, unknowingly where they come from. 

Neil, I think another reason why I don't talk to my husband is because I don't know what is wrong. I think even the psychs are still putting together the pieces. They are not sure how to help me and I scare myself with the thoughts I have, no need to scare others who are not in my head - apart from the psychs and I have recently started telling them about some of the disturbing thoughts I have - so that is a step in the right direction. If I could say to my husband - or anyone - hey, I broke my little finger and I will be better in six weeks, fine - but at the moment it is more like - we know something is not right, we have no idea what, we don't know what tests to make and we have to try and see if a therapy or medication works - and hopefully I won't die in the process. Whoopsie. 

I started the new meds yesterday. My leg has not fallen off and the neighbours cat is okay, I checked this morning. Now I feel like a walking pill box. I still find it frightening to depend on so many little pills to make it through the day (and to counter the side effects) but I actually do feel better this morning and I am currently not scared to see the psych today. 

Neil, how is your training going? Have you fully recovered from your injuries? My exercise has been very little lately, I stopped the gym a few weeks ago and have rarely put my runners on. I can see and feel the difference.

Neil, did you bank 29 DOG? What is your plan for March? My psych wants me off the grog now, as he says it interferes with my new meds. Not sure if he just wants me off the grog, but I'll give it a go this month. So today will be DOG 1.

Take care, Yggy 

[Guest_5218]

Morning Yggy.

I'm glad you have started your new meds, happily with little affect on the neighbours cat.  And I think it is so good that you are now actually talking openly to your psych.  That is definitely progress Yggy.  Its pretty normal that the psych wants you off the grog.  Alcohol does have an affect on, or interfere with most drugs, especially this type.  So good luck with your DOG 1 today, and for the rest of the month.  You had to choose a month with the most number of days didnt you!  Why not Feb?

Sorry you havent been up to any gym work or other rigorouse exercise lately.  What about some walks, have you been doing that at all?  Just to allow you to free your mind a bit.

Neil - I havent seen you around since, what last Thursday or Friday I think?  I hope you're okay.

Sherie xx

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy and Sherie,

This is really good news … the neighbour’s cat is fine and okay.  I knew this would be the case, I just had a feeling in my waters that it was going to be fine.

Now, you say, so many little pills to make it through the day – well, I have a whole stack that I take as well and if I had the option then I would definitely not be wanting to take any, but this isn’t the case.  This next comment has been made on this site a lot in regard to this and meds;   if people have cancer or some other horrible condition, then it’s natural that they are to be treated with appropriate medicine/medication to assist them.  We have this mental illness that we battle and as such, there is next to no difference for us … we need these meds to help us.

You also have a psych appointment, so I really hope that this will be a good session and that you feel a little better after it.

Now with your own exercise, with how things are slightly changing of late, do you think you could try to say get out and go for a small walk.  Even if it’s to see if the cat next door is out and about?   Just a small walk … nothing big at all … just little bits, to try and ease back into it.

I’m doing my best with my niggles, and am working around them, which is fine, so yes, my gym sessions are going along really well.  Really hammering out some mega workouts of late, which is a massive boost and release for me.

I did find February to be a struggle with the application of DOG days – in fact, I only managed 16, still that’s better than 15.

I hope you can commence your own DOG days … the end of summer, the start of autumn and the start of DOG days, what better way to commence?

Hi Sherie, I don’t normally come to the site on the weekend and so that’d possibly account for those days, and I’m just being a bit lighter onner with my posting of late as well.  But all is ok, it’s never flash, but then, are any of us truly flash?

Cheers

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil and Sherie,

Neil, I'm so proud of you to bank 16 (!) DOG!! That is a massive effort! What is your plan for the phase before the next comp? 

Sherie, I never thought about the month I am in, it's more a coincidence that I started my DOG on the first of the month. I don't think I should have much of a problem, I've gone months without grog before. I just seem to feel better with the grog a little bit more lately and that in itself is a bit of a worry (I had an alcoholic in my family so I am very alert when it comes to drinking). 

Neil, your progress in the gym sounds awesome! You must feel great within yourself that things are starting to get back together for you in the gym. It always amazes me to see how people put on more muscle mass - mine has been going back a lot and the wobble is against me, but I hope with time this will change again.

Sherie, Neil, I try to at least walk and every evening I think about the workout I could do the next day - but then I don't - I think eventually I will get that drive again and go out and do it. I know I feel so much better when I move, but procrastination seems to be a big behaviour in my current mindset. 

Neil, thank you for explaining the meds again. May I ask how long it took you to accept your mental illness? No need to answer, but I think I still struggle to accept my mental illness - I still don't understand why I cannot think myself out of this. For me it is like when I do maths - if I think long enough and hard enough, there will be a logical solution. I think that is why my new psych has said CBT is the wrong thing for me - I need to accept that I cannot think myself out of this situation. You know I actually confuse myself just thinking about this. Anyway I have decided to give the new psych a good try and just do the home work I have - whether I understand it, have doubts... I have nothing to lose. 

The new meds have some significant side effects on me - mainly on the stomach and even more exhaustion, so I will need to discuss this.

Neil, Sherie, I can see that both of you feel like posting a little less or taking little breaks and I fully appreciate your decisions. I am so grateful for all the support you have given me in the past few months and it would be nice to stay in touch, even if less often, but only if you feel like it. From my side I will post from time to time just to keep you up to date on how I am going. 

Thank you and take care my friends, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

At this stage, I am going to compete this year, which will be late Sep/early Oct;   so this year, I’m going to commence on the major DOG period earlier than I usually do.  I normally do it very early May, after the old b’day.  But this year, I’m going to commence sometime during April;  though early April, we’re going on holiday for a couple of weeks, so it’ll be probably after that, that the major DOG’s will commence.

It’s really weird, cause at that time, I know I have to go off it, as my goal for competing absolutely needs me too.  The stomach and other beer laden parts have to be expelled from the body and being older, it takes longer for that to happen.  The price I pay, but really, I don’t mind.  The hard part is, my depression always gets worse when I’m not drinking.  Go figure, but it does.  I’m sober with mind and body, but my mental illness attacks me much harder.  Possibly cause it’s winter and I don’t overly like the cold as well.

Time in the gym or time doing a particular thing does make for change.  Time walking or jogging;  or part there of, doing both.  There’s another thing I’ve started up as well … doing a 30 minute walk/jog.  I go out for 15 mins, doing partial of both;  turn around at the 15 min mark and then I MUST get back home inside 30 mins.  And each time, I go out, I need to try and get further for the 15 mins going … so to make me work that bit harder on the return journey.  Sort of Personal Training myself there.

I find having a goal is key … but you can make a goal with those efforts … try to get further each time and then always with the goal of getting back inside the fully allotted time.  Just a thought.  Doesn’t even have to be 15mins one way.  Reduce that if you wish.

You know, when I was diagnosed – a long time ago, it kind of was a relief … and made so much sense.  Things added up as to why I was feeling or had been feeling like that for so long.  I didn’t like it, but I accepted it.

Yggy, I’m here good enough to be 5 days a week, so you know I’m never far away and as often as you post, I’ll be here.  I’m not planning on going anywhere just yet.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

your plan for your comp sounds great, I admire your consistency and your drive to commit to a goal. How many years have you been competing? Have you always gone to the gym and competed? I know you come from a strong sports background, is that how you have developed this passion for sports? I was always fit as a youngster, always cycling and walking everywhere, not a sports freak, more a nerd, but I was fit - that changed when I started work, long hours in the office and driving everywhere. I got slow and put on weight. I did my first ever race only a few years ago and loved to work to something and actually achieve it. I call it race, I call it achievement, but it is more a participating and surviving, not racing. I was proud and got a real buzz out of it and then I started to get injured, I either pushed too early too hard or am just unlucky with my genes. I've been injured on and off for 2 years now and I have lost the drive to work hard for a goal, everytime I work hard for a goal, I fail miserably. It has been disheartening to see how I have let myself go, lost strength and contitioning and am now battling the weight gain once more in my life. I have lately learnt that my will to succeed and to achieve perfectionism is not helpful in my life and I am willing to work on this. But it will take time. I am torn in my head to push hard and at the same time be kind to myself. I am yet to find the balance.

I still walk, often very slowly, but I do make myself go outside. Not necessarily for the benefit of becoming fit or slim, but I don't want to decline even more. I've decided that this kind of discipline, where I don't exert myself, but benefit from the fresh air and sunshine and gentle movement, is pushing hard and being kind to myself - for now.

I like the way you accepted your illness when you were diagnosed. It makes so much more sense to embrace it and not to fight it and to accept treatment. I was diagnosed with a genetic disease a while ago and my motto is "I prove you wrong" - not the best when people are trying to help you. I hate getting pigeon holed and labeled when everyone in this world is different and deals differently with their own hardship. I am yet to receive a full diagnosis for my mental illness - if that is even possible, when so many areas overlap between the certain types of illness and so many layers of history and personality have to be peeled away one by one.

Where are you going on holidays?

Take care, Yggy

[Neil_1]

Yggy,

Have competed for the last 6 years, which is how long I’ve been going to the gym as well.  Prior to that, I’d do weights in my garage, where I have a rough collection of things to lift, etc.  No mega options for machines, etc but I still went and did my workouts.

Competitive cricket for over 30 years, left a huge void when I finished.  I got into distance running, but then injuries came along.  All the while, I was still smashing my workouts in the garage, so I’ve done that kind of thing all my adult life.  Just love trying to keep fit and being active.

Events/races are just that - the training and commitment that is needed to get to the start line is paramount.  Without doing that, you wouldn’t succeed and to succeed is a differing option for almost all of us.  The vast majority aren’t entering these races to win or excel against others, we’re entering them to win within ourselves.  At minimum, to finish would be our goal.  But in our heads, we’ve trained for so long, we’d have an idea of a rough time or some kind of goal that we want.  That’s where our own individual focus is for these events.   And it’s a massive achievement when we compete and finish, a huge buzz.

I’m hearing you loud and clear with the keenness to go too hard and we get undone by those cursed injuries. Also the perfectionism and will to succeed are things that while they’re awesome, they can also lead to a downfall for us.  It’s the balance as you say … where we need to rein in those enthusiastic fibres within us and to taper things back.  That’s where I am at now with my running.

I don’t go out and do a 5km run for starters anymore.  I go out for time.  And in that, I do not run all the time;  but will walk and jog, walk and jog, try to ease my way into the fitness - get the body used to it.  I wonder if this could work for you?  This is good that you’re getting out now for walks.  Enjoying the walks.  I hope you can keep these going and perhaps even get them to be a bit more regular.  But hey, this is me saying this.  I can’t be pushing you to be doing something, it’s gotta come from within;  I hope I said that right?

Do you think a full and proper diagnosis for you, might just help to reveal things a lot more for you, so things aren’t possibly in the dark anymore?  Do you think you’d be able to deal with that?

We’re heading to Japan, going to be huge and scary.  Kind of lot of people over there, you know.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I love your changing profile pictures, is it always little Tess? 

Japan, wow, a country that I would love to visit some time. I am sure you are right about the masses of people, I just have a picture of Japan in my mind that I like - cherry trees in spring, tea ceremony, sliding doors -  probably 200 years ago 🙂 What are your plans in Japan? Are you travelling around? Are you going with the whole family? 

What are your plans for the weekend? I keep thinking about heading away for the weekend, savouring the last summer weekend - do you think it will continue to stay this warm? On the other hand I would just like to stay here and enjoy the garden and pool. I'll have to chat to my hubby. 

I feel calm and centred in this moment. I say in this moment, because my moods are unpredictable. I was angry all day yesterday. I have been trying to do meditation on and off since xmas and I started ACT with my new psych this week. Last night and this morning was the first time that it actually sunk in that I am not my thoughts, that I can choose to be the observer - never made sense to me until last night. I was not able to breathe myself or meditate myself out of the situation, the adrenaline pumped through my body and kept me on high alert, but I actually had that moment when it clicked. I decided earlier this week to give this new psych a fair go, and I will work on what she is suggesting, give it a try, no matter how weird it sounds. 

I will also talk to my psychiatrist about the mood swings I am experiencing - I have not talked about this before, I thought everyone is like that. But I am not sure, my mood can swing from calm and centred to rage in a matter of seconds. I used to say that the rage is okay, as I don't explode at people (nowadays) but I realised yesterday that I actually take it out on myself and probably always have, not in the self harming way, more in my thoughts, stomping, body posture and eating, but it is not good for me.

Anyway I will finish this post while I am still centred and calm, I just realised the time and the real world will kick me back to reality, gotta get ready for work.

Neil, have a lovely weekend with your family. Take care, Yggy x