Playing Jenga with my life?

[Guest_2350]

My life is based on some personal values and beliefs. During the treatment in the last few months I often got confused. Confused about my feelings, confused about my relationships to other people, people that are close to me, confused about the memories that keep popping up out of nowhere.

As I am going deeper in the past - I ask myself: If these situations steered the course of my life, impacted on my life so signifcantly to cause me mental and physical issues now - then who am I? I feel like I am playing Jenga with my life. What if I take out a core relationship and everything just falls over? Can I accept that I hate a person I was meant to love? Can I forgive and move on? Can I accept that I love and hate that person? Then there are other people that have caused so much grief in my life and changed my life forever, but it was not their fault. I have moved away physically, but also removed my heart because I cannot bear the pain. I have learnt how to look excited when opening a present, when to laugh if people are laughing, how to mingle in public, but I don't feel it. I can also detach when being sad, change face in an instant. Have I just built a pretty facade? Put the Jenga pieces on top of each other without making sure the foundation is ok? I am going back so far in my past, that I am worried what I may find out about myself. I am worried to start questioning the core relationships I have now - and then what?

Are there others here that are working through childhood/young adulthood trauma? How have you coped? Am I over thinking this?

I am safe and I know I will be able to get up from this chair and do something to distract myself. But I needed to ask this question, as it has popped up so many times over the last few months, and I think I just figured out, why this confuses me so much.

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil, Dear Sherie,

thank you so much for your posts, I needed to read them several times to get myself ready to go to the psychiatrist.

Now I am just flat and sad. I was angry for a while and took it out on myself, then I was inquisitive, now I am just flat and sad. I am not making any progress, I am just getting worse. Another medication increase and a new set of meds additionally. When I read the description of the new meds I nearly threw them away. Meds cannot be everything. Something does not feel right. 

I wish I could just wind back the time and never started this journey in the first place.

Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_5218]

Oh Yggy, I am so very sorry.

There is really nothing more I can add to that right now I'm afraid.

I do offer you my most sincere good wishes, much love and a big hug.  Which I hope you can accept.

I will continue to think of you Yggy, and very much hope you can find a way through all this.

Much love,

Sherie xx

[blondguy]

Hi Yggy

I would give anything to see a psychiatrist for a revue/CBT Refresher.

You are very fortunate to be in your position to actually have to make a decision....I wish!

I have tried to post prior but there isnt any response...I do understand you have a lot on your plate Yggy

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Guest_2350]

Hi Paul,

thank you for reminding me that I am fortunate in having the choice. I do mean that. I am sorry that you don't have that choice. Why is it difficult for you to see a psychiatrist? What are you dealing with? I have seen you around in other threads and I am sorry if I have not replied to you directly before. I hope you are okay.

Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil, Dear Sherie,

I hope you are both ok. I am out of words this morning.

I will reply as soon as I can. Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Paul,

so sorry, my memory is like a sieve. I have just found your posts again. Sorry.

I think I will just go through all my threads again and just read them for a while. I don't really think that I write anything new, I just forget and I get so confused. I can barely remember what the psych discussed with me yesterday - I think I am just wasting everybody's time.

Take care, Yggy

PS: I am still wondering how one can truly leave perfectionism 100% behind.

[Guest_2350]

Dear All,

I think I will take some time out. I don't want to increase my meds or take something additional. I don't think this is the right choice. I have managed to get through this before. I have been knocked down so many times in my life and I made it. I made it without ever having anybody explain trauma or anything else to me. Sure I had bad times and sure I struggled, but I made it on my own. Perhaps it is time to think back to what strength I have buried deep inside myself and stop being scared. I have come out the other end! I want to remember that as life is whizzing past me in fast steps when I am stuck in a past that I don't like!

I will do some thinking.

Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_1055]

Dear yggy

Thinking of you this morning. I wish I could fly a kite with you today. Just go out into some empty open area. Where the weather is perfect for the kite to soar and dip on the wind currents. It is so peaceful, so very quiet. The open area is very pretty too, with very green soft feeling grass. There is no complicated talk of any kind it sight, just a nice clear mind. And a sense of freedom.

No need for you to answer my post, you are free.........

Just receive a hug, if you want one and know that I care about you.

Much love

Shell xx

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

I wish there was something I could do or say to make things better for you. 

The reading of what meds are about and can or might not do for you, can be fraught with a bit of danger.  Especially as they are mostly required to list as many possible side effects on them, just to cover their own backsides (I was going to write the alternative donkey word there, but I construed that as being a bit naughty, so I decided not to use the word asses – damnit, I just did it there, oh well, the best laid plans …).  But seriously, they’ll put in every conceivable thing you could think of, that your ears could become pointy or that your middle toe on the left foot could curl into a seriously awkward position or that your neighbour’s cat might come down with a nasty cough.  So I tend to just put those things in the cupboard, take the med and hopefully whatever is the chemical in it, will begin to do it’s ‘good’ for me.

So you’ve had a med increase, which though not ideal, as I guess we all would want things not to have to escalate, but when it gets to this level, it’s something that is a must for us and we should do (I’ve been there and done that, to now be on a suitable ‘high’ level).

Also a new set of meds;  so they will take a little while, but the GP may be striving for a combo of different meds and that they might work off each other to give you a lift … to get out of the flat spot.

But as you know, yes, meds are not the full answer, but they do play an integral part – in combination with a good number of other measures.

I’m just wondering that as it seems you’re in a real low place at the moment, whether it might be a worthwhile thing to possibly call the B.Blue help line – the number is at the top of each page.  Maybe they might be able to trigger something with you to assist you?

Kind regards

Neil

Dear Sherie,

Yes, I really love my punting.  And as you mentioned, it’s getting to be an exciting time with the big autumn races not too far away and with that, the quality of galloper increases each weekend as well.

Nah, I couldn’t back the amazing Winx … as you said, she was too short for me.  So I just watch and admire.  Same as I did all the time with the champ, Black Caviar.

Neil

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

I’m sorry that I had sent my other message about the meds and the off-thoughts regarding that – as I’ve now seen your latest message.

I really hope that you are able to fight through this … I honestly believe that you can and you will.  As you said, you’ve done this before, on a number of occasions.  You’ve got that amazing inner strength in order to do this, and I know you will come out the other end.

Take all your time that you need.

If ever you wish to come back, you know that there’ll be a whole stack of us here for you.

Also know that there are a whole stack of us here who’ll be supporting you through to combat your issues.

But for now, I shall end this and respect your wishes that you are taking time out.

Be strong Yggy, and keep fighting hard.

Kind regards

Neil