Playing Jenga with my life?

[Guest_2350]

My life is based on some personal values and beliefs. During the treatment in the last few months I often got confused. Confused about my feelings, confused about my relationships to other people, people that are close to me, confused about the memories that keep popping up out of nowhere.

As I am going deeper in the past - I ask myself: If these situations steered the course of my life, impacted on my life so signifcantly to cause me mental and physical issues now - then who am I? I feel like I am playing Jenga with my life. What if I take out a core relationship and everything just falls over? Can I accept that I hate a person I was meant to love? Can I forgive and move on? Can I accept that I love and hate that person? Then there are other people that have caused so much grief in my life and changed my life forever, but it was not their fault. I have moved away physically, but also removed my heart because I cannot bear the pain. I have learnt how to look excited when opening a present, when to laugh if people are laughing, how to mingle in public, but I don't feel it. I can also detach when being sad, change face in an instant. Have I just built a pretty facade? Put the Jenga pieces on top of each other without making sure the foundation is ok? I am going back so far in my past, that I am worried what I may find out about myself. I am worried to start questioning the core relationships I have now - and then what?

Are there others here that are working through childhood/young adulthood trauma? How have you coped? Am I over thinking this?

I am safe and I know I will be able to get up from this chair and do something to distract myself. But I needed to ask this question, as it has popped up so many times over the last few months, and I think I just figured out, why this confuses me so much.

[blondguy]

Anytime Neil

My sincere condolences too...even though its many years ago the pain is always there...way too young to go

That dog bite at 2......ouuucchhhh! Mate!....You seem to have this great inner strength which I admire...

Take good care tomorrow....please

Paul

[Neil_1]

Hi Yggy,

Meds kicking in for me?   Hmmm, best I go back and read what I wrote – I’ve been on my 3 different types now for, ohh, at least 4 years or so and combined with all the other stuff I have in place, I guess I’m reasonably stable.  They are without doubt helping me massively.

Yes yes, I sure did read my stories to the kids – one of them was designed to help my son through his fear of thunderstorms, so I wrote a story about that and it blew me away that when I read it to him, his opinion of storms changed after that.  I was absolutely amazed.

The only writing I do these days is on here and also in my diary – oh and different emails to other people at different times as well.  Yes, I’ve thought about self-publishing and that might end up being the way to go.  One of the main reasons the publishing company that wanted my story to be “out there” was because it was from a male’s perspective and from all accounts, it is the men-folk who don’t usually open up too much.

We don’t see each other all that often … as we both have our own families and the like;  plus he lives on some land, so very difficult for him to get away;  and for me, even though he’s my bro, it always causes me major stress to go and visit.  Through no fault of his at all – we always have a great time, it’s just my inner traumas putting unnecessary anxiety and stress on me.  See, doing things that are out of my set daily plan.

I think the most I’ve done was 365, but that was back when I was 18yo!  Hee hee.

March … oh might commence again, but will see … long time to go without a beer though.  🙂

Your comments about support here were 100% true.  It’s such a brilliant supporting environment and anytime anyone wishes to unload or vent, etc, there’s always someone or multi numbers of people who come along and try to pick them up.  Providing not only support, but advice and possible steps forward.  That’s what I love about this site so much.

That break sounded brilliant … sounds like your husband is worth his weight in beer, whoops, I mean, gold.  That was awesome of him to be able to do that for you.  And from what you’ve said, it has really helped you, which is what it was all for.  That is very pleasing to know … for the future and how to help you further down the track.

End of Part One ...

To be continued ...

[Neil_1]

Part Two

Yggy, those questions you ask in that last para, are a lot perhaps designed for your psych … not that I’m trying to avoid them, they are excellent questions.  All I can say is that with all that you’re doing, are all positive things that you’re putting in place to help yourself.  I could safely say that without all that you’re currently doing, that you’d be in a much worse state, for which I’m glad that you aren’t.  It’s heaps pleasing to read all that you’re doing.  I just wish I had some answers for you for some of those questions you pose. 

This weekend will be some big gym sessions, plus some garden work … and a few bets on the ponies.  My thing for remembrance for my bro is I’ll be backing some horses the way he used to back his horses.  The first one in race order that had a last start win to its name.  If nothing had a win, then 2nd in its last start, and so on.  That’ll be my thing.

The fam won’t be far away, so I know I’ll be ok.  As I’ve written before, now it’s just a day … the same as yesterday and the same as the next day.  It was only in those early years when I mourned deeply on the actual day.  Now I miss him just as much, it really doesn’t matter what day it is.

But I want to thank you all for your kind and wonderful responses and thoughts – they really mean so much to me;  every time I receive these kinds of wonderfully kind messages, it just fills me a real special kind of warmth.  People who really don’t know each other, but still they reach out and extend their support, friendship and kindness.

Again, I’d have to thank the Beyond Blue site for having such a wonderful site that makes this kind of thing possible.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

how was your weekend? Did your gym sessions go okay? How are your injuries coping? Have you been able to increase the training load? Did you win on the ponies? I like your brothers betting pattern, I know someone  close to me who has a funny way to bet as well - and normally is more successful than me (although I have to admit we hardly ever put bets on). What did you get up to in the garden? I was thinking of you this weekend.

I actually had a peaceful weekend. Somehow I was just content. I did not do anything special, but I was just content. I took time to have nice long naps during the day and basically just accepted that I would not get much done and I took note of what I did get done. I spent time with my hubby and tried to focus my attention on what is happening around me. I tried to interact with people.

My new psych did a grounding exercise with me and I found that it helped me in the session so I tried it a couple of times on the weekend. The visit to the psych was difficult, I was very anxious and it exhausted me, but I got it done. I don't know what to expect and I don't want to know at the moment. I think I just want a break and I got a little break from my relentless thinking this weekend and I don't care why or how - and even thinking about it I get scared that it will be over in a flash again. So I will stop writing now.

Neil, I hope you have a good start into the new week and you are ok. Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

a restless night and an intense nightmare have left me on edge and scared. I am very alert at times like this and every little sound startles me. I just feel like I constantly have to listen for danger. I will play a game now and then go to work early or I might go for a walk on the way to work, just trying to get a little bit of space from myself. I don't even know what I mean by that, how can you have a rest from yourself???

I hope you have a better start to the week. Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

Weekend went by ok – just amazing that with some things, time really moves along quickly;  and yet with others, time does drag.  No idea why it does this.

I had some excellent gym sessions and really hammered out big workout and yes, the intensity is progressing nicely each time.

Yes, went ok on the ponies as well – came out just a little behind, but only a smidge.  So still have a nice little bank to play with next weekend.

Just a bit of tidying up really of a particular section of the garden … was pretty warm both days, which I do like.

Psych sessions can be exhausting – and can really take it out of you.  They can get you thinking and going over things, which I guess is what they need to do at times, so they can get to the heart of the matter.  But as long as they are careful in their dealings and are able to notice when things could become too uncomfortable, so they can keep control of the situation.

They should also be able to give you some help when it comes to dealing with situations, thoughts, feelings as well.  Maybe not so much in the first session or so, as those are usually the initial unloading phases.

Hmmm, having a rest from yourself – possibly being involved in something that you can really super focus on.  Work, a movie, some serious physical activity where you need to really use a lot of energy up to keep going.  This can be things, possibly to remove yourself from the immediate thought processes that are dragging you down a bit.  Just thoughts.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Good morning Neil,

how are you feeling this morning?

So glad that your gym sessions are going well. How do you increase your weights? Do you stick to a specific rule like 5% per week? Don't laugh, I have no idea what I am talking about - I just know that you would be able to carry the moon eventually if this was true. Do you push yourself each session or once a week to see how much more you can lift? How many reps are you doing?

A couple of years ago I read the Schwarzenegger biography (only to the point where he entered the movie world) and had a general interest in the subject, but I have lost it. Whenever I push myself, I injure myself, so I stick to bodyweight and many reps at the moment. I've stopped going to the gym. I've stopped a lot of things and I am heavier, probably than I ever was, but I don't know for sure, as I don't have scales anymore. The exhaustion I am battling stops me from being active and I always feel like I need chocolate or sugar to get me through the day - on the weekend I just nap a couple of hours at lunch time, but that is hardly a good look at work. Isn't it funny that only a few months ago I was concerned to loose weight when starting medication.

I hate going to the psych. I don't feel like I am off-loading, I feel like I am being interrogated. It was better last week, as I was told straight away that I can say no. I would like to be able to say that I know that they want to help me - but I don't believe that. It is their job and although I don't think that they mean harm, they see lots of different cases every day and that is all we are. Just a different case, a person with a project number. At least that is what I have felt with the last ones - poke around in my past and let me pick up the pieces in the aftermath. And yes, I have voiced this and hopefully I finally found someone who supports me at my pace. It is freightening to think that there are only 10 supported session a year - how do people like me fit in that schedule?

Wow, I already sound angry and it is only 5am. I don't think that my anger is necessarily a bad thing as it does give me energy. And I am not a bad angry person, I am actually not to sure how I use the energy, but it makes me feel alive. I have listened to Black Veil Brides, 2 specific songs, over and over again.

Sorry for the big rant this morning. I am so glad, that this forum exists, as I don't feel like a number here. Thank you for being my friend and for being there for me.

Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

That’s an interesting and amusing point you make about the 5% increase rule – more so though to running, is what I’ve heard it used in reference for.  With how far you run a particular week, you shouldn’t increase your weekly distance by more than 5% … that’s the number, whereby, injuries hopefully won’t occur.  And it’s bloody hard to do, cause when you start out, things are low and slow and for the most part, you feel able to do so much more – your body is lying to your mind and says, “Yes, I can do this, stuff that 5% figure”.  Then a week or so later, when you’re nursing an injury the mind says to your body, “Ha, I told you so!”   Sorry, slight digression there.

I try and push myself hard every session;  and that ranges from rep number to pace of each rep;  not to mention lifting a weight that really works the muscle.  I also try to vary it often, so the body (muscles) don’t get used to it.  The body is an amazing structure and can quickly adapt to things if they don’t change.

So with weights always being pretty heavy (for me), I’ll do generally 8-12 reps in a set;  and sometimes I’ll do up 8-10 sets per exercise, depending on the body part.  The bigger muscle groups can handle that kind of load … legs, back are prime examples where I can go longer.

Another excellent muscle building exercise is to go ultra slow with the lift – so the weight needs to be a little less here and the rep needs to be over 5 seconds in completion – the longer the better, as it puts the muscle under tension and stress for longer, which in turn helps to tear down the muscle.  So when it repairs itself, it does so by coming back a little bigger and stronger.

As I’m much older now, I know that if I go “too heavy”, I will injure myself.  As I’ve been doing weights for so long now, I know the amounts that I can and can’t lift and so am very mindful of that.  Gone are the days where I could bust a gut to try and get a PB with a particular weight.  I leave those sorts of shenanigans to the youth, the teenagers in there trying to bust their boiler by going crazy heavy.  It’s sometimes funny to watch.

Damn, I can never seem to keep my responses back to you in just one post … always seem to spill over to a second one.

Kind regards,

Neil

[Neil_1]

Part Two

I think with regard to psych’s, it all depends on the person and how they operate.  Some can be the interrogating type, which is not a good approach at all.  There are far better ways to try and eek out information and background from a person, than to be that type of psych.

After all, for us, it is a huge thing to have to sit there and think back upon our past and to relate it … and I know for myself, that I need to have a certain amount of repour with the person before I can unload fully.  So it all takes time, it is a process.  But when we have deep seated issues, if we continue to do nothing, they’ll just stay there and keep niggling at us … which in time, slowly gets bigger and bigger.

It’s tough, but I feel it’s something that we need to do.

If the psych can in turn, provide you with coping skills and different ways of helping yourself during your tense times, then that is what it should all be about … well not totally, but it would help a lot.

Hope I’m not rambling too much here.

You are definitely not a number here … you’re a very much cared for, supported and wonderful member of this beautiful place … the Beyond Blue community.  You’ve shown that for a fair while as well – where I’ve seen you reach out to provide helpful advice to others, which is an amazing thing that you are able to do, despite having all the trauma that you’ve got attached to you.

Neil

[Guest_5218]

Hi Yggy, it sounds like things are progressing extremely slowly for you.  But thats understandable for something that has been there buried for a long period of time.  I do understand your frustration with the process.

Regarding your psychologist, I'm sorry you feel that they arent really there to help you, that you are just a client number essentially.  I guess I am lucky in that I have only ever seen one psych and we have sort of clicked all along.  I would never have been able to open up to her if that hadnt been the case.  If I recall correctly, you have had a couple of changes.  It does take time to build a fully open and honest discussion between client and therapist.  You are entrusting them with the knowledge of your darkest, most distressing secrets in life after all. I hope you are able to do that in time, because it is important that you can trust them enough to do this.  I understand that so far you are happy with your current one.  Hopefully you can build on that.

Yes it is a concern with only getting 10 medicare funded appointments a year.  My psych always says the same, and I think thats why she was very accommodating when I did my Exposure Therapy last year.  She says that the current system just does not allow for adequate therapy for ptsd treatment.  So we did a number of double sessions where she only charged me for one, and she also gave me a couple of free sessions where she didnt charge me at all.  Even then, we ran out of sessions before we were done.  I think Medicare used to approve up to 12 sessions a year, but that was reduced a couple of years ago I believe.  So I do understand your frustration in that regard.  The Govt seems to take a 'one size fits all' approach and, as you know, that just doesnt work.

But keep going, persist with it.  I gather from your recent posts that although progress is painfully slow (literally), there are signs of improvement.

Neil - I'm glad you had a nice weekend despite the anniversary on Saturday.  Its nice that you are now actually able to enjoy the day.  I note that you had a punt on the ponies.  I did too, through my on-line account. Had a couple of small bets and came out ahead by $40 at the end of the day.  Did you by any chance place a bet on Winx?  Odds too short for me.  I back outsiders for a place usually.  Usually max bets of $5, sometimes only $1 or $2.  But I added to my kitty for when some of the big Autumn races come along.  A little bit of fun.

Bye now,

Sherie xx