Playing Jenga with my life?

[Guest_2350]

My life is based on some personal values and beliefs. During the treatment in the last few months I often got confused. Confused about my feelings, confused about my relationships to other people, people that are close to me, confused about the memories that keep popping up out of nowhere.

As I am going deeper in the past - I ask myself: If these situations steered the course of my life, impacted on my life so signifcantly to cause me mental and physical issues now - then who am I? I feel like I am playing Jenga with my life. What if I take out a core relationship and everything just falls over? Can I accept that I hate a person I was meant to love? Can I forgive and move on? Can I accept that I love and hate that person? Then there are other people that have caused so much grief in my life and changed my life forever, but it was not their fault. I have moved away physically, but also removed my heart because I cannot bear the pain. I have learnt how to look excited when opening a present, when to laugh if people are laughing, how to mingle in public, but I don't feel it. I can also detach when being sad, change face in an instant. Have I just built a pretty facade? Put the Jenga pieces on top of each other without making sure the foundation is ok? I am going back so far in my past, that I am worried what I may find out about myself. I am worried to start questioning the core relationships I have now - and then what?

Are there others here that are working through childhood/young adulthood trauma? How have you coped? Am I over thinking this?

I am safe and I know I will be able to get up from this chair and do something to distract myself. But I needed to ask this question, as it has popped up so many times over the last few months, and I think I just figured out, why this confuses me so much.

[blondguy]

Hey Neil1

You are a very strong and sensitive person....not to mention the help you give to sufferers on BB..I am going through a lot at the moment (same as everyone on here of course) but I just wanted to say that 25 years on Saturday ...this must be awful for you.

I lost my brother in '82...he drowned off rocks in southern vic .....I will never forget...He was 24..rip bro and my heart goes out to you Neil....You are a rock on here......Please take care....(sincerely)

Paul

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I am sitting at the edge of a lake, watching the sun rise and listening to the birds waking up around me. It is beautiful and peaceful here and I have been thinking about you and your brother. 

Neil, you say your memories won't fade away, and hopefully you mean as well the memories you and your brother shared. Are you able to "celebrate" the life he had? What was your relationship like? You said before you grew up on a farm, did you live far away from other kids? Have you got a favourite memory?

Neil, I find nothing good in death and even when I know that my losses have shaped my life, there will never be any good in people's death. But I try to be grateful for the times I had with the people I miss. I knew my Dad up until I was a young adult - we had a little life time we shared. There are a lot of happy memories. There is a lot that he taught me and I can remember him in actions I take or things I think every day. This way he stays alive in my thoughts. Sure there is a bad end to the story, but there will be a lot of bad endings before I die. I am just grateful that I had a chance to meet him and know him a little.

If you feel like it at all - and this is entirely up to you and only if you feel like sharing and feel like sharing on this forum - would you like to share some memories about you and your brother growing up? Or share them with your family? 

Zoning out - I wonder if that is the right description - I actually zone out a lot and I think those techniques are supposed to help me to stay in the here and now. I am trying to learn to make myself aware that I am in the present, that I am safe. Hard to explain. But I think for you it would be similar. Come back to the present, remember your responsibilities in the here and now and do what your brother would have wanted you to do - live and look after your wonderful family. I am sure he would have loved your niece and nephew and he would love them to know who he was and for you to share his life with them. 

My baby cousins were very little when their Dad died and they ask me about their Dad, so they get to know him a little through my memories. I was a teenager when my uncle died and have all my childhood memories to share. With all the pain that comes with his death, I still have happy memories somewhere hidden in my soul.

Neil, I am thinking of you. Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Hi Paul

Whoa mate, 1982 for you.  The years go by, the memories remain ever strong, don’t they.

Your bro 24yo – my bro was 29yo.  Their lives ahead of them – just taken.  It tears you apart.  I really appreciate you letting me know.

It’s a little bit like when I read in a paper about someone who has been bitten by a dog.  That really pulls at my heart strings as well – as I was bitten just before I was 2yo and a section was taken from my mouth, so I don’t look quite like most folk do nowadays.  I have no qualms against dogs whatsoever, probably because I was too young.  In fact, I really love dogs – but yeah, anything like this gets to me a bit as well.  I had 10 operations through a 14 year period to try and rectify the situation.

Again, thank you for your kind and supportive message.

Neil

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

That really sounds a beautiful place where you’re able to sit and contemplate things – AND type posts.  My posts are all done in front of my computer – but I can look out a window.  🙂

We had a fantastic relationship  - though it really bloomed as we (or perhaps should I say, when I) got out of my teenage years.  He was 29yo when I lost him.  I was 25yo – and being that age, I thought I was 10 foot tall and bullet proof – talk about being knocked down for the count.

Celebrate the life he had?  I think of him so often and I do smile at the antics he (and I) used to get up too.  I wrote so much about it in my manuscript as well – and how we loved cricket (we were both fast bowlers) and on many occasions we would take the ‘new ball’ for the team we played in.

We used to ride horses (the ones we had on the farm) and we’d do that a lot.  On occasions we’d pack up a lunch and put it in saddle bags;  and leave after breakfast and saddle up and ride off – out of the farm and then onto dirt roads and trails, etc and just ride.  We’d get back early arve, after a long stint in the saddle.

Yes Yggy, I have great memories of me and my bro.  Lots of them.  Out at night-times as well, going to the local harness racing, so many top memories.

Yet for me, that’s what makes it even more sad for me.  That we just had this brilliant mate-ship and it was getting better and better as we got older and then BANG !  It all went.

I know I should be thankful for the times we had and yes I absolutely am.  No doubt about it;  I just am greedy and wanted more.  He was too good a person and too young to be taken.

Oh Yggy, my fam (my partner, my two amazing children) they all know so much about my bro.  I’ve told them so many stories and related things, so that’s really lovely, I think.

And oh wow, they are so mindful of me when it comes to my own health.  If we’re watching a TV show or movie (or something that they’ve either seen and know what is going to happen OR that they anticipate what might be happening), they tell me and make sure I either leave the room or are with me.  This is due to shows that include possibly water incidents, drownings, etc.  I’ve happened across these at different times and it rocks me to the core AND some.

They are so brilliant at being on the lookout for possible triggers and I cannot thank them enough for that.  They know how much it means to me.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I am back in front of the computer, I wish I could have stayed longer.

Your relationship with your brother sounds fantastic, thank you for sharing some of your memories. You have done a great job in keeping his memory writing in your manuscript about him. Maybe one day you will find a publisher, so you can share his life with the world.

What is "taking the new ball" for your team in cricket? I am hopeless in sports. I love horses, but I am a hopeless horse woman. Did you grow up in the saddle? I love your story about riding off with your brother. What kind of country side were you riding in? You're not greedy, you just miss your brother. If you feel like sharing more stories, please do so, it is lovely to read about your brother and you.

Your family sounds lovely. Having your loved ones looking out for you is fantastic. They obviously love you very much and you must be a great partner & dad! Is your family with you on the weekend? I think it would be good to have your support network around you. Did your partner meet your brother? When are you meeting your good brother again? How was your relationship with him when you were growing up?

The last few days were good for me to take a break and refocus. Over the last month a lot of old memories came bubbling up, but I also learnt a lot from all of you here, support lines and doctors. It was good to have a few days to process things. I would really want to take charge of my own life again. I hate going to bed at night and wonder how I will wake up in the morning. I hate the feeling of memories ruling my life and I hate feeling like a victim who has no choice in what's happening next. I hate not understanding why this is happening to me and I hate to see my life falling apart around me. I hate feeling helpless. I hate that people make me feel this way. I never wanted to feel like a victim again. I want to remember who I am now and the battles I have fought in my life to get where I am. In the last few days I felt again that I should be fighting for my life, I have not felt like this in weeks. My last straw was fighting to stay here for my family. I think I needed the break and I think I will listen more closely to what people suggest for my recovery. I don't want to vanish anymore, I deserve living a happy life. I am tired, but I can do this. I need to talk about the effect on meds on my energy.

Neil, please keep sharing about your brother. I hope you are sort of ok. I am thinking of you. Take care, Yggy x

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

Taking the new ball is that we were fast bowlers in the team and so we were the first bowlers to bowl at the opposition batsmen.

I actually grew up in the farm house Yggy, and not the saddle … that would have been plain uncomfortable.  😉   Ok ok, that was a little light-hearted moment and I’ve been told before not to take things so literally.  I just can’t quite remember who it was who told me – oh yeah, that’s right, it was that damn face in the mirror.  Kind of handsome in an adorable sort of way.   You’re probably thinking that this last paragraph has made no sense – and you’d be right – my meds will kick in any sec now.  😉

It was a great area where we grew up – though pretty hot in the summer, but farming area all around and yet, we weren’t that far out of town either, so not entirely isolated.  Plenty of fond memories.

I’ve even done up a series of children’s stories – mini-books that I have at home.  Again, I’ve tried for them to be published, but getting into that business is extremely hard.  Those stories were basically made up of me growing up on the farm, with a slight twist.

With regard to my fam, are you talking my good bro, etc?   They live about 3 hours away, so we only see them, oh not that much really.  Though we did go over in late January for a weekend and that was a very good catch up.

Has my partner met my “other blood relation”?  Yes, unfortunately.  You know, I was his best man at their wedding, back in ’94.  That amuses me now – he won’t talk to me, and hates me in fact, and yet, he’s gotta go through the rest of his life knowing that I was his best man.  My partner was also there at that time when he and his wife verbally berated me and she was as shocked as I was by it.

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart for the lovely support you have been giving me.  I can’t tell you how much I absolutely appreciate it.

I will sign off on this one now, as I want to dedicate my next post solely to you and your last paragraph, and yes, I’m going along “ok”.  Chalking up the DOG days as well – I hit 10 yesterday.

But can you believe it … I’ve chosen to take all of February off the grog, because that’s the shortest month of the year and damnit all, it’s a bloody leap year and so there’s 29 damn days in it !!  #notfair.

Neil

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

Me back again, wanting to focus on you.

May I ask what kind of break that you were able to take?   Was it from work or other things in your life?   But by the sound of it, it was something that was very much needed & it produced good results for you, which is fantastic. 

It’s often good to take some time out so you can work on things - process things.

I just wonder with regard to your bedtime & then the questions on how you may wake up the following morning – I’m not sure if this may work, but it’s something I’ve done a lot.  And that’s to pre-plan either in my head or even on a post-it note or scrap piece of paper – to think of or write down what things you have on tomorrow – list them out, can be as many or as little as you wish.  But if you can put a couple of things down, this “could” help with how you may wake up the following morning.  Don’t be putting down anything that is awkward or anything you’re not looking forward to – that might not be so good.  Just a thought.

The memories ruling or ruining life is something that I think a lot of us (so many of us would love to know the $1M answer to).  You know, would that be the possible end to a lot of our suffering?  If we were able to control that aspect of ourselves?  I think it would go a long way to helping us big time.

You say that you hate how people make you feel helpless, at least that’s how I read it.  What do you mean by that?  Why would you be a victim now?  You are a success in your life, you’ve got a great job, and a great family & you’re doing the best with all that you’ve been given – that’s not to be sneezed at, at all.  I could be very wrong on this, but to me, it’s the past (as again, affects so deeply, so many of us) that is causing our illness and battles to be so horribly large.

You even said, you want to remember who I am now and of the battles that you’ve fought AND WON to get to where you are now.  That is a massive sentence you’ve said & something to try to heavily focus upon.  Push back the negatives and bring that aspect to the forefront of your mind, so you encounter that every day.  A positive reminder.

Keep fighting Yggy, keep the good aspects in your mind;   try and get good sleep;  eat well, drink loads of water, exercise & keep the good things occupying you.  Beat down the demons.

I hope something in this helped, but also would really like to hear back from you on this.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

 you make me smile 🙂 That face in the mirror can take things as literally as it feels like. We need some light-hearted moments in our life. You mentioned your meds will kick in soon - what do you think your meds are doing for you? How do they help you? I'm very much doubting meds again at the moment.

I love that you are writing - did you read your stories to your kids? Did you always write? Do you still write? I wrote a lot when I was a teenager, but have not for many years. It is an amazing way to share stories or to let your imagination run. Have you thought about self-publishing? When we travel I pick up books at the shops from local writers that I don't think you would be able to get in a book shop. I also have a friend who writes - I will check with him how he publishes.

I am talking about your good bro, I leave it to you to mention the other blood relation (I don't like how they are treating you). I forgot that your good bro lives so far away. How often do you see eachother?

Wow!!! 10 DOGs!!! That's awesome! Very determined! What is the maximum you ever counted? I had to laugh about the leap year - well done 😉  What is your plan for March?

I hope us writing helps you a little as well - you are such a great support for me and I would really like to be able to give back a little. You are an amazing person and you are doing so well to support me and a lot of other people on this forum (and beyond). I will never be able to ease your pain, but at least I can be here for you.

My break was from everything. No work, no home responsibilities, just hubby looking after me and me doing whatever I felt like - which was mainly doing nothing.

Waking up in the morning - I never know how I will feel. I used to be able to say, if I exercise right, eat right, look after myself and get to bed on time, I would be fighting fit come morning. Now I am just a walking time bomb and I don't know how I wake up.

I feel helpless to control my feelings, I feel helpless in a medical system where I don't feel I get the support I need. I feel helpless that my life is falling apart around me and I am too numb to do anything about it. I have started reading a book about trauma recovery and am learning a lot - I hope it will make me stronger to fight for my choices - I feel helpless in doing what the medical system tells me - and I often don't agree. I am also starting to wonder what bad side effects my daily meds have.

Neil, I hope you have an OK day! Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I hope you are ok. What are you doing this weekend and where will your family be? I hope they will be close by and support you. Have you thought about things you can do to help you shift attention? How about taking Tess for a walk with your daughter? You could even take an ipod and listen to music. Are you planning a couple of sessions in the gym? Do you blast music on your ipod when working out? I have tried the colour spotting - try spotting 10 pink things (not easy!) and then 10 purple and 10 turquoise. I have done this on the train, keeps me occupied and I get a sense of achievment when I find them. It is a little like playing "i spy" with myself. Do you think it would help if you write yourself a little plan, structuring your weekend, so you don't have too much idle time? Do you have some garden work that needs attention? Just make sure you get your son or daughter involved too, so you are not on your own. Again, you can blast out some music.

I will not write much this morning as I am trying to prepare myself mentally for an appointment with a new psych. I am just worried, worried that things will get even worse. I am still struggling to believe how my life has changed in the past couple of years. But I really want to give myself and the new psych a chance.

Neil, I am thinking of you and I will check bb over the weekend to see if you need a chat or some support.

Look after yourself please. Big hug, Yggy x

[Guest_5218]

Hi Neil,

I just wanted to let you know that I'll be thinking of you as tomorrow approaches.

And I honour your beloved lost brother.  

With love and a great admiration for you,

Sherie xx