new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Hey Croix,

My deeply hurtful remarks on your aroma - naww, lol. The stench doesn't describe you, perhaps pick a nicer smelling animal to depict yourself as. I'm getting used to your stink though (hehe).

Thank you for highlighting my lil' victories .. yes, depression (despondency) do really hide all those victories. When you feel that way, it's hard to see the forest for the trees.

You are in good spirits with your degenerative back condition - I love that. I know it's painful and tough at times and I also understand the varying emotional pain and torment associated with it. Pain takes its toll on every level. I also do understand the bouts of depression and thoughts of suicide in the past. Now you learn to manage and live with it the best way possible. I'm proud of you, I know you'll have your moments, too.

Monkey, (you do know that monkies are notoriously playful & naughty)?

Quote: "Don't let the beast of depression dull your sparkle" - I'll use this in my feedback mantra too.

These are beautiful and encouraging words and I like to thank you for them. I especially like: "
You have chosen to live despite many hardships faced and you continue to seek justice and raise awareness for others. So they can avoid what you were dealt with. You have heart".

Thank you to you all - including you, Ems. LMAO .. literally, you had me in tears with your description of Mr. Creep!! ROFL BIG Time!! And the server found him!!!! OMG, too effing funny!! ahh, my laughing fix for the day! All I could visualise in my head was this EXTREMELY UGLY man who looks like a well .. sex creep BIG LOL. THANKS Ems. EWWWW. Yeh, seeing humour in stupid situations does help.

Woohoo I've led Croix to the use of acronyms, where many have failed dismally - I'll own this lil' victory. I'll claim it.

Love to all,

Blubes xx

[Guest_498]

An acknowledgement and wave to Paul (Blondeguy) & PhoebeWing - hope you guys are well.

Blubes

[ecomama]

Bluberry said:

Ems .. G O Croix said: "EM I fear your pacemaker has gone into overdrive again with all those tasks". I'll second that. You'll work yourself to the grave. Try to at least have some relaxation where you do as little as possible. Let me remind you, it's your time off.

Blubes

Hi dear friends concerned about my health - hugs and thankyou...

When others have expressed concern previously I go back to a few things in no particular order.... A. We are mammals and are supposed to be physically working many hours a day.... B. Obesity and a stagnant lifestyle are more likely to shorten life... C. I've only been to hospital to have babies and less times than my number of babies! lol... D. In reflection of my "gene pool" and personally knowing my great grandparents and others who lived into their 10th and 11th decade - they were the active ones.

They were also the creative ones too!

I think creativity as a health giver is very underestimated.

So I create also. I LOVE creating. Creating children lol, creating family traditions, creating peaceful spaces, creating a great career (and thanks go to God for this guidance) and I simply love BEING.

The saying we are a human BEINGS makes me laugh. I set time for this more than once daily.

My IRL friends around my age USED to express concern for my activity level but over the decades it is sadly they who've found themselves with terrible physical ailments.

I have zero friends of my age who are on zero medications.
I'm on zero meds.

I was very happy that one son helped me with the branches today. I raked lots of lantana the gardener and I cut last week. I found some long lengths shooting up little bits of green so CUT THEM OFF lol. We filled another 5 garbage bags of rubbish we dug up. It's quite shocking how demon used my garden where the children used to play as a dump site for it's "business's garbage".

I pulled out a huge stump and rolled it to the bonfire site. YAY!
I found lots of bark to line my hanging baskets with.
I think I found another lemon tree sapling... IDK, will have to ask my gardener. I hope he can come next Wed, whilst my uncle is here so I can "escape" lol!!.

I have time off work / job - but that's time to be spent getting stuck in at home.

If you saw it all, you'd say the same.

Love EM

[Croix]

Dear Blubes~

You heartlessly said:

>perhaps pick a nicer smelling animal to depict yourself as

How do you do that with a selfie?

G O Croix

[ecomama]

Croix said:

Dear Blubes~

You heartlessly said:

>perhaps pick a nicer smelling animal to depict yourself as

How do you do that with a selfie?

G O Croix

Oh dear!!!

Walruses have lovely slimy skin! And awesome slippery flippers!

GREAT TEETH btw lol!

The breath is probably a thing Mrs C just came to love.

Quick Blubes save this Walrus..... where is the LOVE lol!

Remarkably this Walrus has great command of the English and French languages at least - quite marvellous n'est pas?

We're happy to have a Walrus as an Uncle - pity you can't come in to the kid's school for show and tell that's all.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Naww uncle Croix,
We like you all stinky, slimmey & with bad teeth. These qualities are majorly attractive to female walruses!! The stinkier, the better. No wonder Mrs. C won't let you go THAT easily!! Lol.
We love you just the way you are. All of us. Big x

[Guest_498]

Save the walrus, indeedy Ems. We just love out uncle walrus, dont we? Hehe.
Yes, great minds think alike .. Get a gardener in whilst your uncle visits you!!! Would make life much much easier. Lol. I do these sort of things myself - invite ppl over to "save" me in certain situations (well when i did have friends & ppl around me).
Working on house would be in a way cathartic, I suppose. Just DON'T do too much, missy.

[ecomama]

Yes we do love our Uncle Walrus lol!!!

oh dear... gotta laugh...

omg Blubes you are spot on... it's CATHARTIC to get rid of what I DON'T want in my life!!
THAT'S where the endless motivation is coming from!
Must be.

To cut away the lantana, to dig out literal rubbish from my soil (I have found 23 of the same metal ring things, rusting away in the soil.... after the initial ugh demon... I saw rust and thought "iron" and put them in my Bluberry patch near my camellia.... it will help with their nutrient deficiency)...

Then to find weird things that belonged to demon. Eldest Daughter, I'll call her Alexa lol from now on.... well Alexa was here last weekend and got into the Antique sideboard with me. SO many little bits of demon's. She said "throw?" I said "absolutely!" lol.

It's a CLEANSING we're doing.

I spent so much money on PAINT at the first lock down here.... I ended up being busier than mental lol. I painted nothing.

I'm glad I didn't now.... I realised tonight that so much "dirty work" needs to be done before painting.
The tree lopping, branch trimming, building, shelving, throwing out tonnes of rubbish....

I need to get DOWN TO BASE LEVEL.... then paint.

Not only will it be easier without moving all the "stuff"... but the painting won't get trashed immediately.

For now it's a utilitarian household, like a farm house.

One machine or another is going almost 24/7 here lol! Yvette even said today that she finds it hard to sleep WITHOUT hearing the washing machine or drier or dishwasher or vacuum cleaner or whipper snipper or lawn mower or chain saw or SOME machine going.
My poor child lol.
At 11pm she just got home from work.
Now the dishwasher & washing machine & drier are going.
She should sleep well! lol.

Yvette is more her authentic self now. She seems freer, lighter. Tonight she was chattering to me about fun things at work.

I spoke to her & all my children 1:1 about their apparent Oppositional Defiance Disorder towards me... even the adult children lol!
Some are more at one end of that spectrum than others.
I said it could be partially JUST because I'm their mother, because of teen years.... IDK but I would like them to reflect upon this & get back to me.

My adult child who studied psychology had the wind taken out of her lol!
But came back & agreed....

I have something really important to share.... I'm a little afraid of what's happening.
I spoke to bf today about it. He agrees it's quite concerning.

EM

[ecomama]

Update: Instincts.

Since doing the Breaking Free Course for Victims of DV, I've tried really hard to listen to my gut instincts, highlighted in that Course. Go with your gut instinct.

I'm sensing an "encroaching".

Alexa & exH are separated. I'll call him Shep. At first she fled here with the children a few years ago. Shep withheld the children, she moved back in, slept on lounge for a year till she moved out.

Out for 2y. Too much has happened to describe.

During my Courts Shep "wood wormed" me for info to share with demon.
Shep got worse & worse, reporting me to EVERY Agency for doing the worst things.
demon was using Shep as a minion.
Shep was happy to oblige.

They're BOTH evil. They're BOTH abusers.

It was clear to me during Courts that Shep was doing this & worse, turning ALL my adult children against me. Shep succeeded. I went to the police about Shep, they took one look at his "record" & said 'don't worry about him'.

NOW Shep has told Alexa to tell me he wants to heal our relationship.
On & off between abuses to Alexa... he comes back to this tangent with me. Alexa tells me. She wants this too, very silly girl.

At the 1st message, I immediately said NO WAY. I would never trust him EVER again & I want him NOWHERE NEAR Yvette (Shep called Yvette a liar to her face - as a young child - for disclosing) OR MY OTHER CHILDREN.

I said IF AT ALL I was to be in Shep's company ever again it would be IN a Psychologist's room where he can AIR his mountains of grievances about me in front of a Qualified person. I believe after both stories are heard, the psych would say "Run EM run" lol.

Alexa was SHOCKED.

I said that's the rub.

I KNOW Shep is in contact with demon.

But apparently Shep is "sad" (boohoo) that it's missing out on all our family celebrations.

I don't answer Alexa when she says these things.

Clearly now, they've colluded together in attempts to blindside me with being in Shep's company & I'm getting pretty angry about it now.

1st attempt was 2 months ago.
I narrowly escaped that one by not going to an event I was invited to.
Alexa told me later Shep was going to be there & intended to APOLOGISE to me.
That would've taken weeks lol!

LAST NIGHT was the 2nd attempt.

Tomorrow Alexa will be here with the grandkids.

IF I get a chance, I'm having the "difficult conversation" as outlined is needed for Healing in my new Healing thread lol.

I have the RIGHT to protect myself & my children from a KNOWN abuser.

Prayers please!

EM

[Guest_498]

Ems,

You said "A. We are mammals and are supposed to be physically working many hours a day.... B. Obesity and a stagnant lifestyle are more likely to shorten life" - True dat. 🙂

Oh, Ems .. ABSOLUTELY NO to any chance of rekindling with Shep! It would be history repeating itself, as I have a feeling, as you do, Shep IS in contact with demon. That's for sure. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't fall for it, don't get blind-sided, you'll be setting yourself up for a 'set-up' of some description. It's just wrought with danger. Anything 'nice' Shep has to say would only be gobbledygook. "Shep is sad that it's missing out on all our family celebrations" Yer right.

I'll be having you and your family in my thoughts whilst I pray tonight. I'm not happy about this at all.

Blubes