new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Hi Croix ... I give up, too .. Hi all, lol.
Just wanted to wish all a good day, today and every day.
Ive never wondered wbether walruses had toes, now I know they don't. All I know is that they stink really badly apparently. Eww
Croix, I know you weren't suggesting that I NEED someone in order to be happy. But I do want someone. Humans are not designed to be alone. I want someone compatible though. I've been in relationships where Ive just 'settled' due to varying reasons. In those relationships, I know I was never in love nor happy. In one relationship where I spent 5 years living with violence (it was more than just that) I stayed for different reasons and from the beginning, I didn't feel right. I tried to convince myself that itll be ok - but it wasnt ok. I never want a relationship like that again. Atm I'm happy to wait until someone decent comes along. 🙂 i hope your back is not causing tou too much discomfort.
Ems, I hope youre enjoying your leave so far
Blubes.

[Guest_498]

Croix,
I don't feel like I'm victorious in anything atm

[ecomama]

Hi Blubes

Mmm "enjoying" lol???

I just work. Work at work and work at home. Visit my adult children homes and work there too.
Went to eldest daughter's home today and did the lawns, laundry, folding and dishes.

Took a 7 seater car full of donations to her neighbours with 3 kids and both parents are now unemployed.
They sell stuff online but ran out of stuff.
They've got more now lol. More coming!

I can't sit still for long...sometimes it drives people crazy lol.

I'm just trying to weigh up my priorities for energy expenditure at home beyond the billions (I kid you not lol) of loads of washing and the "norm" of stuff here....

and the priorities of what to get done first (Not counting if and when my Uncle descends - he has his own agenda lol)...

There are tonnes, literally and not joking but tonnes of garbage to remove still.
ex spent over 20y dumping garbage and I'm still digging it up in MY GARDEN... omg what a pig.
I'm beginning to count the bags of garbage to my daughter's skip bin - 5 today from downstairs... I estimate 75 total. It really IS that bad.

But underneath the house; rooms and storage area is just a dump site too... it's horrible.

My sons have not helped much down there, moving things about SO MUCH and at times their friends being quite destructive.

SO I'm just waiting for a text re: a new handyman. Who comes with recommendations. I know my Uncle will say he can do it but he hasn't finished his own house after 50y so.... yeah.

Anyway pulling sensible boundaries IN and prioritising.

New shelving in the storage area. There isn't ANY there just boxes strewn about now.

So for the next x amount of days, months, years, between commitments, I'm going to move all those strewn boxes to clear a path for the handyman to build the shelving. He needs to buy it too lol... I want DEEP shelves for storage boxes length ways. Then organise.
But the Handyman's schedule is up to him... hope he's available next week or I'm back to work after that and mayhem rules again! lol.

I sensibly figure 5 years to organise home.... it took 20+y to DISORGANISE it.
Gardening in between.

Maybe bits of working towards building cabin & hopefully full throttle in 5y to complete cabin. Finish in 10.

My bf wants to draw up all plans. I have the passive solar design in mind. Just need a backhoe to remove dead trees too!

Bonfire & last chiminea fire on Thursday night. Then I'm moving chiminea off the balcony.

Slowly getting there.

Love EM

[Croix]

Dear Blu(e)berry~

If I turn back just one page there are three occasions where you beat the legal system, not too shabby. You got on well with your (now sadly departed) housemate revealing a pleasant personality, you empathized and tried to give some very reasonable advice about my conditon (they were in fact the proper needles, I was having fun) and in case EM is peeking yes a chiropractor too.

Unfortunately MRIs don't consistently paint a false picture - c'est la vie

Depression (or call it despondency if you like) hides all those victories or turns them sour.

Pity, now I'll have to take all those nice positive things back following your deeply hurtful remarks on my most attractive aroma "they stink really badly apparently. Eww"

I'm glad Mrs C is not of a like mind:)

EM I fear your pacemaker has gone into overdrive again with all those tasks.

BTW Before you select your handyman see if you can watch "The Secret - Dare to Dream"

G O Croix (who actually managed two acronyms in this post, I'm learning)

[monkey_magic]

Hi Bluberry,

I second Croix.

You are also victorious in owning a home, being out of those abusive relationships in your life, speaking up about what happened to you, getting through covid lockdown.

These are major things to be proud of and don't let depression tell U otherwise. I'm sure you have made many other small victories in your life.

You have chosen to live despite many hardships faced and you continue to seek justice and raise awareness for others. So they can avoid what you were dealt with. You have heart.

So take heart in knowing that caring is also a victory. How many ppl let those things close them up to the world. Some people even turn bad. But here you are wanting to make a difference.

I'm confident you will have many more victories throughout your life. Even cooking dinner can be seen as a victory. Having a shower, getting dressed. While experiencing depression every small task is a win.

By opening up about the past you are also encouraging others to do the same...

You are victorious is ways you probably haven't even thought of...

Don't let the beast of depression dull your
sparkle.

🕯️🕯️🕯️

[ecomama]

Indeed dear Bluberry cooking dinner is a task and a half when feeling low....

Croix listed some of your brilliant achievements shared here.... and you led Croix to begin using acronyms! Many have failed dismally but you DID IT Blubes! lol. Wooohooo!

Also trying to find humour in the most stupidest of things is what helps me A LOT AND MUCHLY!!!

I have to share a silly story I only share with my closest of friends lol.
The man I hired to serve ex creep the Divorce papers, couldn't find him, not at work OR at home. The Server thought maybe he WAS seeing ex but ex was being deceitful lol.... yah no surprises there.
So the Server asked me for a detailed description of what ex looked like.

I had ALWAYS been kind and ever so complementary at ex.... things changed BIG TIME.

THEN the Server found him! ex tried to run away and when Server caught up with it, he swore at him!
He said "That description was perfect lol".

That was soooooooooooooooo satisfying lol. Ahhh still have a giggle about that once in a while.

Pacemaker in great order Croix! I'm physically exhausted but it sure helps me sleep like a log.

Love EM

[monkey_magic]

Hi Em and all,

That description is PERFECT.

Hence, he was found!

Thanks for the Wednesday laughs.

Laughing at things and at myself has been a saving grace...gives U those feel good chemicals.

Seeing the HUMOUR in life is usually a good thing.

🙉

[Guest_498]

Hey Ems,

You said: "You are at a crossroads in your life in many sectors also... you have CHOICES to make"

I'm at many crossroads, yes. You picked up on that. There's a lot to do - study, career, building & maintaining friendships, legal issues etc. Couldn't happen fast enough. Slowly, slowly, piecemeal.

I don't choose to ruminate on the past, I don't want to, it just happens. The negative feedback loops in my brain will only turn positive once certain circumstances change and allow me to move forward. I know what needs to happen, it's just a matter of getting there. The changes will, within time, get rid of these negative patterns of thought. I quote you: "why on earth you would RUMINATE over other's opinions of you is beyond me .. Seriously .. Don't" - I like to use this as a mantra, as a feedback loop. See how I go.

You're correct in saying at times, I can't BREATHE. It's all too much sometimes and I just break. In terms of any form of counselling, that might happen later down the track.

[Guest_498]

Monkey,

My own self-approval and acceptance, and standing firm in my own beliefs come with self-confidence. There's a lot of work to be had in this department. It will be one of my biggest challenges. I will get there.

[Guest_498]

Ems .. G O Croix said: "EM I fear your pacemaker has gone into overdrive again with all those tasks". I'll second that. You'll work yourself to the grave. Try to at least have some relaxation where you do as little as possible. Let me remind you, it's your time off.

Blubes