new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Dear Blubes

Exactly.

When I went to Alexa's house on Tuesday, I saw all the nice new furniture and said how great it all looked... she said then you haven't been to my house for MONTHS...

Just now as I read your reply, I realised I haven't been to her house SINCE the attempted blindsiding occurred. About 2 months ago.

This wasn't a conscious decision, you know how busy things are here any day... but it was a definite avoidance of that place.

Alexa has a psych degree... she KNOWS what using the word "blindsiding" REALLY is, like down to the abusive minute detail of the definition lol... so WHEN I use these psychological terms with her, I REALLY mean the true definition.

I didn't use that word when I said I was glad I didn't go to the event.
She was all puppy eyes and ohhhhh!

It was later that I realised the attempt of an ambush! LOL. Not quite the correct use lol.

I'm very reticent at bringing the whole palaver up today.
SHE KNOWS something's up.
We have this shocking ESP thang going on lol.

SHE KNOWS the strategies I use to avoid a topic I've already been crystal clear about.
I TAUGHT her those! lol, oh dear.

Like the "pregnant pause"... and an "mm". Or just a blank look on my blank face and an adroit about turn, walk away.

I'm FINE to discuss ANY THING... but the thing is with Alexa, if I DON'T do exactly what she wants or concede to her suggestion pretty much immediately then it's likely to go full on atomic bomb lol.
It's like she's triggered big time.
It happened earlier this year over the most slightest thing.

I repeated my request in dot point via text, stuff along the lines of.... I ask you to RESPECT that I'm the mother of my children. I make the rules and I don't want you to a b c any more.
I RESPECT you as the mother of your children and I ALWAYS respect and support your rules for them.
I respectfully request same.

wow. this works.

But THIS time it's partially about the children. It's MOSTLY about keeping the lunatics a LONG distance away from me.

YES he's in contact with demon. Shep was it's HENCHMAN. Did so much of it's dirty work.

In fact I'm really concerned about how MUCH of my life Alexa has shared with Shep already.
Weird stuff happened on the Meditation / Law of Attraction thread last night.... too weird for words.
Something I could imagine demon doing. Something it would have others do for it.

NOW? I'm getting on with my life.
12 for dinner. I made up 5kg of mixed minces into a spag bol this morning.

x EM

[Guest_498]

My ex, ex-partner & mother were henchmen for the CAT Team - information and text messages were passed between them. All my devices and social media accounts were compromised. That's why I'm not on social media anymore. I love twitter though. Its a forum of like-minded ppl discussing politics, law, and social issues. No holds barred. I love it.

I'm currently talking to this man (gay) who is running for state councilor - I'm a big supporter. We get along really really well. He's super-intelligent, exposes political corruption. We have the same taste in music too. Too bad he swings the other way. lol. He too has been hurt badly, just like us.

It's too bad Shep is attached to your daughter via the children. That suck hardcore, otherwise you'd be rid of him by now. Just tread carefully here as well, given your daughter and the grandkids too,

Love Blubes

[Guest_498]

*correction - local council. Erm, I should really read my posts prior to pressing 'reply'.

[ecomama]

Okay you're into the politics of things.... ask HIM for a job! lol. Sounds like you'd get on well together.

Are you thinking of re-enrolling at Uni for next year? Just curious.

Everyone flew out the door early tonight thank goodness lol.

The bonfire exhausted ALL of us.
I only burnt in the chiminea for an hour or so before I shut that down lol.

It was the BIGGEST bonfire by far in our garden lol. We got about 5x more burnt than I though we would. At the same time did whipper snippering and more pulling out lantana roots like tentacles and more lantana cutting back.

But that's enough for fires for this year - I am SO over them now.

I just want to clean my balcony well after the party Sat night... then ONE last party next weekend and done for a while.

Nothing about me seeing Shep came up tonight and I didn't want to bring it up unless Alexa did.
There was "chit chat" about him but nothing else.

I've made it very clear that I would not carry on about ANY of my children's choices of partners.
They make choices for their lives and I support their choices regardless of what they are lol.
I only express SOME things IF they ask. Even then I aim mostly to be a sounding board.

Otherwise it's business as usual lol.

The Handyman replied to my text and is coming for a look at the work to be done tomorrow afternoon. It's going to be great if we can get wide shelving up. It'll make the WORLD of difference to be more organised. I can't wait.

Gotta respond to a few threads then HIT THE SACK.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Great to hear you've burnt more things and got rid of some more lantanas. You must be exhausted, so I'll keep this short.

Best to be their sounding board. Best to stay out of their affairs and be supportive when they need you. That's what mums should do and you're a great mum so I won't say anymore here. Youre an awesome mum! Things will work out for you re: Shep. Just keep him at bay and you'll be ok.

I have already enrolled in bach of criminology to commence next year first trimester. But I'm going to swap to law when uni starts - I'm still undecided because criminology will be 2 years (I got credits off) and Law will take me 4 years. Long time just for a degree lol. and at my age!!

Sweet dreams, I'm not too far behind you.

Blubes

[Guest_498]

I do like politics, but not as much as others in the twitter world. There are lots of die hard labour or liberal supporters. I'm not far left or extreme white .. I mean right (did I just say that)? I meant extreme right. 😉 I consider myself a centralist. Although I vote labour.
I'm into social issues that concern me - one of them is mental health (the mental health system in particular, given whats happened to me), human rights issues (anything from civil liberty, religion, equality, refugee detainment, climate change and issues pertaining to criminal justice system (cjs) (this is one im most passionate about). Im passionate about all, but the cjs is more moving for me.
I'm following lawyer X just to get updates on royal comm hearings. Scandal is perfect example of and exposes the corrupt, unethical breaches of police. Barrister, Gobbo - who came from a family of wealth & privilege is just as bad. This gets back to my earlier post about different treatment by police towards ppl with money & status. Its sickening. Justice usually starts with police. If you & I, Ems were caught with drugs in our home, we'd be in jail .. Gobbo got good behaviour. I hate these kind of injustices - it makes a mockery of the justice system.
Here's another case that highlights mockery of the INJUSTICE system. Case in W.A with a teacher (sexual abuse case) whose sentence got wholly suspended because his lawyer argued he was too fat for prison. The abuser is serving his sentence at home, with the DPP not willing to appeal the ruling. Absolutely unacceptable! And lastly, institutional racism within police culture. Boy that makes me angry. Black lives do matter. Deaths in custody, assault, profiling & young age of criminal responsibility are issues that NEED to change ASAP!! Like NOW, not tomorrow, NOW.

[ecomama]

Your political views and disgust is exactly how our family see things too.

Seriously there are some topics I CANNOT discuss with my bf... it gives me anxiety even writing this. HE brings stuff up and I say "we can't talk about that, you know my views, I'm NOT changing them".

Cheeses.

Respect is hard to come by. Mutual respect anyway.

I'm not sure if I "respect" his views but they're his and long held in his family of "wealth and privilege AND skin colour" so yeah. Nuff said. Grrr lol.

I leave his views alone.

Thanks for the support about Shep and Alexa. It IS her life and ofcourse I want the very best for her... pity about the slim pickings lol!

Anyway, her life. I tell my children I've made enough of a mess of my personal life, so I'll be around to support them and their partners... always.
But not Shep.

Reporting me to all manner of Agencies including my own Employers (I've been with for over 40 YEARS)... is something I "forgave" but doesn't mean I would EVER get into the lion's den again.
Lol I'm not THAT type of Christian!

Indeed SA assaults against children are not taken seriously in this country what so ever.
It absolutely disgust me.

It's the one thing I would change my job for if they brought back Capital Punishment.
I'd be first in line for that job. And sleep better at night too.

I see far too much and being a Mandatory reporter, I have to report far too much.
So many reports. It's so devastating.

About your Degree.... I think I know you really well now lol.... I think you'd be disappointed if you DIDN'T do Law... 4 years flies by and you'd be better to do EXACTLY what you want.

Anyway I'd rather YOU be a Lawyer than some of the ones I see around.

I have friends doing degrees now lol. AND GOOD ON THEM. I fully support their decisions. This has been going on since we all left school. ALL of them saying "It's too late... I'll be too OLD.." then stay unhappy... then the next decade wash rinse repeat... UNTIL THEY HEAR ME... just DO IT. Do it now.

Some things we have control over. If you have that choice to do what you know is the RIGHT career training for you, then do it. I would. lol.

Love EM

[Guest_498]

Don't tell me, youre bf votes republic? Sounds like he does.
Aside: Croix referred to me as Blubes for the first time in other thread.
I thought Alexa & Shep broke up? Perhaps Im missing something.
Yes you do know me. Im inclined to go with law as this would lead to practising law or policy writing. And, it wouldn't hurt to gain knowledge in the field.
Children ARE sooo protected in Austalia, overly so. It's usually the technicalities within the law itself that either quash or lesson the sentence. Fir example, George Pell & above cases. In the George Pell case, police & DPP were too eager and led to his release.
In place are mandatory reporting, both mandated ppl & duty of care binds community members to report; testimonies of children are INCLUDED too and theyre taken VERY seriously, even without a shred of evidence. The law is tough when it comes to children. On the flip side, this self reporting of children could also be scary & highly unjust (as highlighted in the case of the blue mountains family. Poor family. Police are DUMB. Sorry, but they are. Not all - MOST. 😤😤

[ecomama]

Hi dear Blubes!!

Years go by in a blink, you would be SO HAPPY with yourself if you stuck to your highest goal.
At least ones we can achieve solo are the ones we can feel most chuffed about.

LOLOLOL DO NOT speak to me of my bfs political "views'... drives me mental.

A few things drive me mental, so I'm taking a hiatus from calling him whilst I try to tackle the deep, dark, gloomy downstairs area... said with a creepy Halloween voice lol.

I've been down there off and on today... woah... I'm regulating the triggers tbh.
Hence this is the LAST area to deal with to do with demon / feral dog as monkey called it today.
I hate insulting dogs lol.
Still find demon's garbage buried in the garden is less of a trigger now... still crappy and annoying but we have SKIP bins! yay.

OH YES INDEED Alexa had broken up with Shep. I guess that was the IDK 10th time they'd broken up earlier this year, over the past few years.

I really don't know when enough will be enough for her. Pretty horrible to witness.

IDK but I guess they're seeing each other again. I don't ask lol. Their children often talk to me and I just react pleasantly & kindly.

I think Shep will use the children as minions soon... but when a specific question IS asked of me by the children, I answer honestly but age appropriately.
No fantasies here!
Except in the Fairy Tales I tell them about.

I think the Handyman will have a melt down when he sees downstairs!
One son thought he was helping and made it WORSE!!!!!!

I'm Praying for STRENGTH and patience lol.

I have 11 empty boxes and 5 garbage bags of rubbish already just today.
I'm doing more work down there tonight till I pick the kids up from work at 1am.

I DID find lots of demon's books which I'll give to that Family to sell, since both parents are now unemployed and the few extra dollars they make are helping alot!
GOOD begone with it all lol.
It's that or the bin.

I'll have to make a trip to Alexa's skip bins this weekend, but now need to check when a good time is, since I gather Shep is "on the scene" there alot more.

I love Alexa dearly. I really hope she stays safe. The kids can't stand the fighting when they're together in the same house, they told Yvette last night. I hope they're reducing that, I can HOPE lol.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Oh yeah!

The Handyman TURNED UP early lol
AND took a look at the downstairs storage areas
and gave me a cheaper option

AND he can do it NEXT Tuesday too!

and omg he's so cheap at $35 / hour.

I didn't realise how tense and stressed all this was making me feel.
Until I can breathe more easily now.

Help really does make a difference.

I also told my kids they have to commit to 2 sessions of time over the long weekend to move this stuff OUT.

They were great with that request lol more like an order. I found broken stuff everywhere and even MORE empty boxes like what the...?????
Why?

Just so lazy of them NOT to put them in the bin or even leave them near the bin.

Looks like my stanley knife will come in handy to cut these huge long gym equipment boxes into car & bin sized pieces.

I also found HOME INSULATION ughhh. Lord knows what I'll do with that. Maybe my Uncle will want to put it in my walls or something IDK. And more lengths of timber.
Crazy.

Happy to feel progress is being made.
Happy that I'm coping dealing with so many tradies this year - good AND bad.

All good here
EM