new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Dear Em,
Yippeeee you can FINALLY declutter and have some organisation in you life!! The 35.00 p/h doesn't sound too bad at all. Once thats built, next week, you wont know yourself then!! Enjoy. You deserve it.
Okies, got it re: alexa & Shep. Ill leave that alone.
Don't keep anything that you dont want including insulation. Get a skip & turf them ALL. Declutter, remember?
Love Blubes

[ecomama]

Oh you are so sweet... next week? lol

It's going to take a bit longer than that to get it turfed and the bare minimum (for our crazy crafty camping family) up on the shelves BUT I'M STILL EXCITED!

At least I found quite a few spare empty tubs with lids down there, so I can begin with those.

I've decided to put up ANY boxes on the shelves after they're built JUST so I can see what's left hanging around. Clear some space you know?

I found so many broken things - cots, bedheads etc. ex must have smashed them on purpose, it would taken some might to break them.
But it couldn't destroy my gorgeous childhood cast iron bed lol. I found all the pieces to that. I want to turn that into a Day Bed when the balcony is fixed up. That'll be nice and fun and relaxing to sit on.

I DID find quite a few HUGE tins of unopened paint! Oh yeah!
I used stacks a while back but today I found more lol.

Kids are working relentlessly over the long weekend and are happy for the better pay rates.
So I'm going to find it difficult to get them down in the basement lol.

But they committed so there it is! I don't ask them to do much. Hardly anything but this is important and it's important they share the load and see what they've ALSO accumulated.
The empty BOXES most esp! UGH.

EM

[Guest_498]

okies. I give you permission to keep your antique bed and paints. Nothing else. hehe.

xx

[ecomama]

EEEeeeek lololol... tough fruit you are Bluberry! lol

I'm a little afraid to tell you now.... but I shall be BRAVE... I HOPE I still have Family History stuff going back 200+ years actually!

If I don't then I don't. I'll be VERY sad if it was stolen / destroyed. WW1 photos. Photos taken in 1850 when photos were first invented. I think they're gone. They're not in the area I last saw them in. Pretty sad.

I do have some furniture that is now 7 generations old... demon did wreck parts of it but when I have the time and money to repair and restore it all then I shall. Most of that is upstairs. It's very beautiful furniture with stained glass in it and marble etc.

Plus SOME babies clothing that was special.

But I estimate about 60% of what's there will go, with my Blessing! Ta-Ta.

I added another 5 bags of rubbish tonight. Doing OKAY.

Weird thing happened... I pushed through the mild triggers this morning.... then tonight while I was cleaning the balcony a memory came to me. If I had known at the time 16y ago... I would have been extremely distressed.
But I put 2 and 2 together tonight and just "meh"... then heard a stupid thing on the Series of Librarians (I decided to have the whole series playing as I worked) and within a few seconds of that memory I was laughing my head off.

Indeed these activities are cathartic.

Now if my dog would stop BARKING at NOTHING.... I hope it's nothing.... maybe we can sleep tonight.

Kids texted they're going to be later than 1am so ughhh. Lucky I'm on Leave!

Love EM

[blondguy]

Hey Hey EM!

Only when you have the time can you please send me the name of your recent thread about treatment /recovery when you asked how others are doing ...I cant find it EM

If you could send me the thread title to my 'Do You Like yourself' thread that would be great

Have a great weekend EM

Paul

[ecomama]

Hi Paul

I think this is yours....

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/do-you-like-yourself-your-thoughts-are-welcome/page/97#qxn963HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

and I'm struggling to remember about the one where I asked how everyone was going lol, I think I do that alot!

I'll have a further look see....

btw how ARE you going Paul?

😁EM

[ecomama]

Hey Paul

I think I found it....

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/healing---what-does-it-look-like-for-you-?actionMode=replyPost&postId=72a319ab-f371-61bc-846e-ff0000e9d3fc

Have a WONDERFUL weekend!

EM

[blondguy]

Hey EM

I just found it too!

Healing - what does it look like for you?

Thank you for having the care factor you do EM. I'm doing okay. I hope you have a great weekend too! Paul

[ecomama]

HI everyone

I only just mentioned on Blubes' thread about protecting ourselves from an attack.

So with that fresh in my mind and feeling a little "hmmmm" when I walking to my car to pick up 3 of my kids at 1am..... I held my keys in my hand.

Then locked all car doors the moment I got in.

I just felt weird.

Yep.
Then it happened. As I pulled out of my street a specific kind of car I won't mention here.... turned it's lights on and sped up to be right on my tail.

I was super calm, that vigilant calm... I put on my back windscreen wiper and the water to clean the window then the car took off on the INSIDE of me (no lane) and sped past me full throttle.

RIGHT where there's a speed camera! When you LIVE here you'd know that. It was only just put up.

I wasn't going to speed.

But then I saw the stuff in the back. I knew straight away it was demon.

it had to stop at the lights.

I was 3 cars behind but I saw it put a hat on and put it to the side so I couldn't see it's head.

I saw it's arm. sure it was it's arm.

I was SO CALM.

Man am I fully prepared for this.

I didn't tell the kids.
Then they all started talking about how they've all recently started grinding their teeth in their sleep and their jaws ache.

I asked when did this start?

ummm about 2 weeks ago. (when demon turned up to their work. NONE of the kids in the car were at work that night but they all said they've been expecting him to turn up)

More evidence tonight IF that speed camera caught it.

I was going exactly the speed limit and it was going super speed past me. So I HOPE it got caught.

Again.

We live in a cul de sac.... almost at the end. So it's NOT a thorough fare road.

But where it was parked was a main road. No shops. Just houses.

IF it does even TWO more things in the next 2 weeks that I can have external validation for ie CCTV / speed cameras or even neighbours testimonies.... I'm getting a Lawyer.

That should be enough. With the school visits and kid's reactions.... that's gonna help.

It just doesn't have a LIFE worth living. sad excuse for a human

Pity about that though.... I was looking forward to doing more House and garden renos.

Oh well. Safety first.

EM

[ecomama]

blondguy said:Hey EM

I just found it too!

Healing - what does it look like for you?

Thank you for having the care factor you do EM. I'm doing okay. I hope you have a great weekend too! Paul

Totally my privilege Paul.... my weekend is gonna be rockin'!

We're cleaning out the basement! yay lol.

Need to charge my portable speaker though.

Oh and having ANOTHER 18th birthday party oops nearly forgot. Thanks for reminding me! lol

EM