new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[ecomama]

Oh yeah!

Your car sounds MAGICal lol!

I am SO getting an auto next time. My ACs all own manuals lol. But my younger children, half of them ADULTS as of today - yay! well they all own autos.

I LOVE getting the auto loan car from the mechanic - had it for 3 days last week and it was a DREAM omg love that car lol. But I need a car with more clearance bec it scrubbed out the one time I tried to get in my driveway. Steep!

Blueberries - love em. But I can't eat too many! I get a tummy ache and it's not fun.

I have 2 week's leave starting in a week. CAN'T wait.

My kids finish their prelim exams in a week's time and it's been a pretty serious study climate here.

OH and my Uncle and Aunt travelled up from the city today for the bday party. oh dear they are ageing. Haven't seen them for about 2 years. My Uncle wants to do building works on my damaged home but I'm not sure if he can tbh.

IDK we'll start and see how we go.

There's a Handyman a friend knows who works like a Trojan apparently. Pretty good rates too.
I was thinking of employing him to help my Uncle BUT.... my uncle fiddles & fusses around alot.
So maybe if I was home too, I could get the H/man to fix some things in between times?
IDK.

So much to do. So much to repair. I get low thinking about it.

But when I get started in the garden, I never want to stop lol. MOUNTAINS to do there but I'm seeing progress.

xxxxEM

[Guest_498]

Hey to my beautiful Ems & Monkey,

What did I do today? Erm, nothing much. Got up late, as I always do these days given my current sleep pattern, ate, spoke momentarily with my flatmate, ate, watched t.v, twitter, went back to bed, twitter. That's it!!! Same old stuff that happens every day.

Monkey, yes I love blueberries and anything with blueberries in them I love, love, love!! That's fantastic news that you've finished the waterfall. Where will you hang it?

I can find things to do, yes. Thank you for all your suggestions. Ems, I would do gardening, except I have an irrational fear for all things creepy crawly ie: worms and caterpillars. Caterpillars are my ultimate FEAR.

I guess guys, what I really want is to be able to get out for a good evening. A girl's night out - going to a pub with a band, drink, or something. Even to go to a nice quiet dinner or out for lunch. Some normal social interactions like that. I guess what I'm really saying is I miss my social life. I miss doing all these.

[monkey_magic]

Yup, I know how " missing out" feels...I think the whole world has many people in it now having to " sacrifice" through this pandemic.

You're definitely not alone Bluberry missing out on your social life. It is what it is and im sending U my thoughts and feel for you still living under restrictions.

It's like a shadow has been cast over you/us...

Not easy or fair I feel. But...if it keeps ppl safe...yadda yadda I bet you've heard it all.

Been watching the police and protesting on the news. Been eye opening and interesting.

Oh.. blueberries...yum.. blueberry cheesecake extra yum.

Sounds like things are still going a ok with the flatmate...hope it stays that way...

🐵🙈🙉🙊

[Guest_498]

Don't worry too much about the protests in Victoria - I think most of them are bogus. They're not proper demonstrations if you haven't already gathered. There's a lot of propaganda and attempt to assassinate our Premier, Daniel Andrews's career. The Murdoch media empire (Newscorp) and the National/Liberal parties are vehemently working hard to destroy his leadership. Don't believe everything you see or read in the media, especially at the moment. Furthermore, there's a HUGE cult following of the conspiracy movement group called QAnon, with some of our Prime minister's close buds associated with the movement, world-wide.

Flatmate is going good. He's nice. He's hardly around though 😞 Ordinarily, that would be a fantastic thing and would suit me sooo well. Just not during covid lockdown.

[Croix]

Dear Bluberry (you got a free ‘e’ each time before;)~

I genuinely want to save you more heartbreak as much as any uncle. So I will try, I doubt I’ll change your intent one iota but feel - like you – that I must try. I do not succeed then it will just cause me sadness, what will it cost you?

As a ex policeman (a detective & yes a male) I would say you have the cart before the horse, you gather the best available

facts
physical evidence,
witness reports
hopefully admissions made by the person you wish to take action against,

Then you write a brief of evidence (or complaint in your case) and submit it to a legal authority with experience to see if there are any omissions or errors. They will also give you some idea of the chances of investigation, of your story bearing weight, a hearing, and a finding against the accused. No idea of cost.

Then your tender the lot to the commission, or whatever suitable body you and the legal authority think appropriate.

Your case, if with weight, is tested, with the accused having a right of reply, and this includes calling up their own evidence and witnesses. Perhaps 2 years?

OK, composing your legal documents needs to produce the best possible brief, and that is done by someone who has a clear mind. By the sound of it you are not going to be able to do that by yourself. At great personal cost I have no doubt you will produce something.

This is not an insult to your intelligence, from your posts I know you have at least as may brains as I (not that that is saying much), nor to your bravery, which is great

Whilst going back over the matters you do remember you really need personal support, more than you can get on the phone from s crisis lines. You have been badly injured and this will limit you and torment you.

As an ex-policeman I l know the law is not a great means of finding the truth, and is imperfect , not only re-traumatizing but also does not normally grant in the complaint’s favor in such matters (yes, unusually, I have been involved in a small number ).

I am sorry. Try another way, receive help for interested groups, and together with them change matters for all.

In time with therapy and someone for you, you may remember what happened in full (I still do not)

I know none of the above will move you, so my final advice is get help. EM has offered two possible avenues

Bored? try

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/how-to-take-practical-advantage...

GO Croix

[Guest_498]

Hi Croix,

Haha - I did notice the free 'e'! Being an ex-detective, you would have a good eye for these things! No, I do not take or view anything that anyone says here on BB forum to be anything other than advice, support and guidance. This is my BB family and I will treat you as such (in a kind manner & caring manner).

Thanks heaps for the above advice and information - will be massive stumblng blocks, that's for sure!!! UGH.

I did notice in one of your sentences though: "In time with therapy and someone for you, you may remember what happened in full (I still do not)". Did something similar happen to you? What is your story, if you don't mind my asking.

Blubes

[Guest_498]

I wanted to give up, yes. Half my battle now is considering whether to continue or give up. I'm being honest with you, most of the time I just want to give up. Whether that is the road of least resistance and the better thing to do, I don't know.

[ecomama]

Hi Blubes (no free e or even a berry! lol)

Uncle pointed out the process of the Law here. He also pointed out that at some point SOME ONE else will make the decision whether to prosecute upon your evidence and weighing that against the accused (sic) response.

I hate to say this to you but I MUST. With as much evidence as Detective's could muster and testimonies of more than the victim in one of our cases... all it took was for the accused was to hire a very expensive Lawyer and say "no comment".... there wasn't enough for Police to charge.

They needed the perps ADMISSION.

Same with another case a long time ago. Mother just told the judge that I WAS Mentally Ill yet it was her that had been institutionalised MANY times.
Case thrown out with Police testimonies.

The ONLY cases that have been successful re: me being stalked etc (yeah and I'm not even "hot" looking - just a female)... was that the perps BOTH left a hand written paper trail with damning words. Plus Police actually witnessed one group's attempts to break and enter my home. The latter main perp ran to attack me on the way out of the Court House, so was crash tackled in a huge furore and charged within an hour of the Hearing.

You need a LOT of hard evidence. Reports, notes, emails, texts, photos of bruises, Drs reports of physical abuse etc etc etc. Testimonies only IME - they walk.

My main, probably ONLY, motivation all times was to protect my children. And a disabled relative living with us at one point.

Sometimes I WANT to scream and shout, write a billion pages of letters pointing out their lies to THEM. Use Bible scriptures they've never read (they hated me quoting Scripture lol) as they pretend to be "devout" Christian - more like debunked.
But I don't do anything. To respond would be playing right into their sick sick lives and games.

Now I live by many sayings lol, one being "The BEST revenge is living my BEST life". My own garden looks better for it too lol.

"Give up" terms it from one perspective... I prefer REDIRECT your energies.

Redirect as Uncle says means you may make a GREATER difference. Joining groups of which there are so many. Your victories WITH others are yours too. You may gain far more than you ever imagined.

I'll support you whatever path you choose.

EM

[ecomama]

*** the Police witness statements were supporting ME, not mother and Judge still threw case out.

xxxx

[Croix]

Dear Bluberry~

>Half my battle now is considering whether to continue or give up.

So who said anything about giving up! I'm afraid you are laboring under a misapprehension. It would be truer to choose between squandering your precious mental resources in an attempt to prosecute - or alternatively take all the others -of either gender - who have been similarly injured and come together in a cohesive plan involving counseling, revisions of rules of evidence etc.

How many do you think are in just your position? Not knowing what or how to take the next step. Those steps can be mapped out and achieved, it is not a question of setting yourself up for failure, more getting there with help of a group -to which you contribute.

Hang in there there Blueberry (notice I donated the extra e - I believe in you)

GO Croix