new person

[ecomama]

Hi everyone
not sure what parts to disclose here, feeling very uneasy posting. I feel like a lot of people here, know that I'm socially isolated but feel it's safer this way. I have a lot of mixed feelings due to covid19; feeling freer or even happier that movements were restricted as I have had little choice but to live this way for a long time. Then I realised how odd this reaction is, opposite to what I was hearing at work. Simultaneously I felt huge grief for the world. I'm experiencing compassion fatigue from all of this.

my life has been wrought with trauma & grief, tremendous violence & loss. I desperately sought help from authorities to stop things over many decades. I have fought so hard through courts etc, I know it has cost me a lot of mental stability a lot of the time. At least my children and I are safe atm. Feeling safe is another thing entirely!

happiness eludes me. I strive for the happiness of my children. I don't know how to attain personal happiness, so have strived for contentment. I work hard physically but feel far more exhausted by my mind. flashbacks and memories often come back relentlessly in my waking hours and in my dreams. Working hard physically helps me sleep better 🙂

I used to be very sociable, quite athletic and had a large family. The abuse has taken its toll. My relationships were undermined by the abuser, so they are lost. My physical health was severely impacted by the abuse also. I have a counsellor but I was advised by a close friend who is studying psychology to seek a more intensive type of therapy. I have completed countless hours in therapy through books, online and in person over decades. My counsellor is very impressed by my persistence, resilience and recovery but I feel awful most of the time.

I have no relationships with extended family anymore which is very sad for me. I have basically given up trying since doors are constantly closed on that front.
Soon I plan to take leave from my work to support my children all struggling in their learning from home programs. I will have to take leave on far less pay, so this presents obvious issues to an already stretched financial situation.

I know there is no magic cure for all the issues I have at hand but I still have hope that things will improve and that I can feel happy one day. I pray there are answers within this forum for me.

Thanks for reading.

[Guest_498]

Hey sweetheart,

I like Blubes, I think it's kinda cute, don't you?

Thank you for your wise words... Something I won't EVER give up htough is getting myself off their system and amend my records. These are a MUST!!! These are legal documents and they're very damaging. I cannot live with this.

I hope youve enjoyed your day today and your evening.

Love Blubes

[Guest_498]

Gorgeous Ems & Super Gorgeous uncle Croix (both equally gorgeous),

Thanks for donating the extra e - lol. you're very considerate and giving. hehe.

I know, I know guys .. sheesh, if it was that straight forward, I wouldn't be in half the pain I'm in now. The thought of it makes me feel dejected and utterly defeated. Like I said, I'm a realist, remember?

xx

[Guest_498]

Ems & Croix,

So last night I balled me little eyes out!!!! I will need some advice about something, and need your input. I'll do it on my thread tonight sometime. Visit my thread or I'll message you here as soon as I've written it.

Love Blubes

[ecomama]

Hi Blubes

I posted on your thread but didn't see the question.

Croix has big plans for you lol.

One of my son's gfs just texted me and said she needs to talk to me tonight. 😮🤨🤔😏
I have some idea what about.... I may have another child living with me very soon!
Or it's her family stuff which is wrought with issues. Or both. IDK.

Eldest D also wants to phone soon.

Never rains!

The "drop in" by my mother was quite brazen actually. I think she was hoping to speak to me, one of us here.

I just walk away (in a HURRY) if I see her anywhere about.

I have Leave starting Thursday but due to all the restructuring and from a survey today - alot more to come. It's like they're preparing for repeated shut downs. IDK.
So I have to bring STACKS of work home to do during my Leave.
I probably have a month of FT work to do.
And a full day tomorrow being my last day.

Oh well could be worse.

I'll squeeze in some angry gardening and angry cleaning lol! Angry about ex, it's minions and my mother. Not work. That's cool.

EM

[Guest_498]

Hey beautiful,

I've been a bit busy this evening .. I will post as soon as I can. I'll go through your threads as well.

Love you heaps,

Blubes

[ecomama]

I really hate this.

ex turned up at the children's workplace tonight and asked to see one of my sons who was working.

I'm triggering weirdly. SO vigilant. So hypertensive.

Fortunately THAT son had already prepped another son's gf of what to say if he turned up. She works there too. Say "I don't want to see you".
Apparently ex asked all sorts of questions of gf and she didn't know what to say. But repeat the response.

I'm going to have to call a helpline. I'm not distressed, I'm too vigilant to be distressed but I can't type properly. UGHH.

So now all the sons and daughters KNOW without a doubt they never want to see him ever again and wish the worst upon him.

All but one son. I'm horrified. Shocked. I wasn't angry. I had a talk with eldest D first and I said IDK what I'll do if that son wants to have contact with ex. She said you'd go No Contact with son.

I said I would.

I have to protect us ALL but I can't protect us if one of us is in contact.

I told that son that if he wants to see ex then he has to move out. I have to go No Contact with him to protect the rest of us. He didn't say he DID but he didn't say he didn't.

The others were black and white about it. NO WAY.

Now that son is confused. I'm confused.

I'm on the phone to 1800RESPECT and they just transferred me to a specialist Counsellor.

I'll be back. My typing is all over the place.

EM

[Guest_498]

ok, I'll read all your posts soon. I'm here for you. I'll respond soon and post also.

[monkey_magic]

Aw Em,

It's so unfair you are still dealing with something of this magnitude.

I can't do much from the other side of my keyboard but he really needs to be further scared into staying the hell away from you guys.

He's got some nerve....gosh I hate him all the way from here...I hate what he is doing to you because I get it. Been around scary criminal men myself.

Please stay safe 🙌🙏

[ecomama]

Thankyou so much.

I spoke with the trauma psych at length - they have freaking volumes of notes on us now - she read them and added to them.

I just got off the phone. Psych said I did the right thing by saying son would have to move out and that I would have to go NC with him entirely.

I can't retraumatise my youngest daughter. And I CAN'T.

And I WON'T retraumatise myself.

But losing son would be another deep trauma to try to recover from.

My hands are numb. I know what that means. A psych who'd interviewed people who had done various crimes... those ppl said just before they did the act, their hands went numb.

I'm ready for combat.

I reiterated my boundaries with prodigal son. He got tears in his eyes. I said "I can't lose you too. I can't lose all my family and YOU TOO. If you only knew how much I love you and want to protect you. And you can kiss your whole life goodbye getting involved with that."

All the while he was bending over to hug me. He said "I never want to lose you and I would never do that to _______ (youngest D)". and more.

I asked him NOT to take my boundaries as threats. They are not intended to be threats against him.

They are boundaries to protect YD and myself and the rest of us.

I am NC with ANYONE to do with ex. I don't take this lightly. It's black and white. NO grey areas.

Now I'm waiting for son who was working to come home after close. God knows how he'll feel.

I DO know he wouldn't want to get an AVO against his father because he doesn't want that to adversely affect his Application for the Police Force.
Ironic.

Even Police need protection. What is this world? Screwed up. That's what.

Not much sleep tonight and I couldn't have my nap I so desperately needed.

My jaws keep clenching. this psychopath doesn't deserve this much reaction. I;d hate to have full on Police intervention after tonight BUT I WILL IF I HAVE TO.

CCTV ON. Dog at the ready lol. It barks it's head off at the whiff of anything moving outside.

Feeling better after the visual of our neatly groomed poodle barking it's head off. It's DEAFENING.

My neighbour's a psych and an insomniac lol. But I'll be on the phone till 6am if I call her now.

Son's home.

EM

[Guest_498]

Let me know as soon as you find out what your son's girlfriend wants. I do hope it's great news amongst these unwanted and stressful 'drop-ins' and 'turning up'. Did your mother just drop by your house today? And, is your ex trying to engraciate himself back into your children's lives again after all this time? How long have they been estranged from him? Stay calm and breathe Ems, he's NOT worth the hypertension. The situation with your son - entertaining the idea of seeing him - is his choice. I don't know how old he is but if it is his wish then as a mother, you need to respect that and allow him to make up his own choice. otherwise, later down the track, he might end up resenting you. I'm sorry you had to go through this and have him in your life, on the periphery, yet once again. Thinking of you and your family.