Lost and confused

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

A year into my journey to seek help I feel as lost and confused or more than when I started this. 

I know there was a trigger event at the beginning of the week, but I feel helpless to stop the helplessness. I want to do things that make me feel better, but I also just want to hide. I've seen my psych yesterday and I don't think it has helped.

Just as I thought I had a bit of clarity and a goal to focus on, the playing field has changed once again. I'm just so tired of it. I like rules and I like to focus on goals, and in this game there are no rules, my back up team (meds) is a big trial and error, the ref (doc and psych) don't know which game I'm playing and confuse me when they have a guess, then we have time out and during this the game changes - so with my studs I run on ice all of the sudden. 

I will as every day, keep some of my routine up, I don't give in that easy.

Will it ever get any easier? What can I do to make me understand that there is no game plan? How did you break through the confusion?

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

have a safe trip and enjoy your time with your family and Japan! I will be thinking of you.

If you feel conscious about the person behind you, you could turn around and ask whether it is okay to move your seat and that the person should let you know when it is an issue, ie when having their dinner. You will also feel more connected to all the strangers on the flight this way.

I will miss you Neil, but I am in a much better place than 2 months ago. Thank you!

Take care, Yggy x

[Guest_2350]

Dear Sherie, Dear Carol,

how are you both? I hope you are ok, I am sorry I have not popped into the cafe or looked at your threads lately.

I am seeing the psych tomorrow and I will take your advise and chat about my feelings. I am not sure why I feel like this, I just know that I feel like the eye of the storm will pass with a lot of devastation on the way. I take comfort that I know what to do or who to contact when I cannot continue on my own. I think that makes me feel calm. I will discuss that with my psych tomorrow as well.

Carol, I am doing ACT with my psych. I have memories coming back all the time.

Take care, Yggy

[Guest_5218]

Hi Yggy. No problems that you've been a little bit 'missing lately'. Actually I have also the past few days. ( - :

Anyway I hope tomorrow's ACT session goes well for you, and I will be interested to hear what your psych thinks about your thoughts on not deserving to be happy.

Its hard isnt it, with memories coming back all the time? My session on Friday resulted in the same thing. But I am a little better the last day or so, after what was a difficult weekend. But I guess you cant deal with, or process, these horrible memories if you dont dredge them up. So its a necessary evil unfortunately.

It is a good thing Yggy that you know who to contact if you feel as though you cannot continue on your own. It must be nice to feel calm about that. I'm sure you will cope though, you have done for a long time, and I'm confident that you will continue to do so. If you werent strong and resilient then you wouldnt be here now.

Eye of the storm? - Mmmm, an interesting observation. It would be nice to remain in the relatively safe eye, wouldnt it? And not have to suffer the devastation of struggling through it. But that would mean our life was forever in limbo (on hold almost), and we would not be living life to the fullest. We would forever be afraid of what was to come if we step outside that safety zone of 'the eye'. Living in fear, is not living at all.

Good luck tomorrw Yggy, I'll be thinking of you.

Neil - Hope you get this message before you head off to Japan - have a great trip, and take care.

Sherie xx

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

the appointment with the psych was exhausting and I feel on edge. I never thought that I am scared of the psych, but I am. And I think I always will be. And it is not the person, it is the fact that we are talking about my safety behaviours - which made me question many times why i am not normal, but I have realised that I am just scared. Scared that she is taking the things away that make me feel safe. It feels like she is threatening my life discussing and challenging my safety behaviours. Perhaps that's why I don't like any of them because I always feel threatened and not like they want to help me - which I guess they do.

I am glad that I realised that today, it is just my safety system kicking in and doing its job. I will still need time to calm down, but I think that is a big step. A month ago I would not have known why all my sense scream DANGER.

Hope you are all good.

Take care, Yggy

[Guest_5218]

Hi Yggy, thanks for letting us know how your appointment was.

Your realisation of what makes you feel scared about your psych sessions sounds quite revealing.

And the fact that you realise this, seems to shout 'progress'. So I think this is a very good thing Yggy. ( - :

The fact that your built in safety mechanisms have done the job of keeping you relatively safe for such a long time, means that it will be a tough task to convince your brain that they are no longer needed. That you are not in danger any more, and that these defensive barriers are no longer needed.

Anyway I just wanted to let you know that I am very proud of how you've handled it all today. And yes, I know from personal experience, psych sessions always stirs things up and you will probably feel exhausted, highly anxious and on edge for at least a few days. I expect your psych would have told you to expect that though.

Try to take things very easy both physically and emotionally for a few days. Are you working tomorrow?

Thinking of you Yggy, and please take care of yourself.

Sherie xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Yggy,

I want to echo all of Sherie's sentiments. She said it so eloquently that I will only say ditto but offer you a big encouraging hug too if you'd like.

Really positive Yggy! Thanks for sharing with us.

Carol xx

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

Sherie, how are you feeling with the EMDR? Do you have your next session tomorrow? I hope are ok and have recovered from the last one. Do you feel any better?

Carol, I am sure I read somewhere you've been in hospital? Hope you are doing ok! You're another week closer to your appointment with the neuro, fingers crossed there are good news ahead of you.

The past 24hrs have been a struggle. Once I got past the panic stage of thinking someone wants to take my safety behaviours away, I am now at the point where I question if I - I don't even know how to put it in words. It feels like someone is trying to take my identity away. I don't like looking at my behaviours and contemplate whether they are normal, appropriate... I keep thinking I'm not hurting anyone, do I really need to do this? What if I don't like my life anymore when I finish? What if I'm just better off staying the way I am? The last time I felt like that I left my old psych. Here I sit again, 6 months later, asking the same question.

I'm just exhausted.

Take care, Yggy

[Lost_Girl]

Big hugs from me Yggy.

I highly recommend the book "Who moved my cheese" by Dr Spencer Johnson. I think it may help with the thought process you are experiencing right now in regards to this change. It is a short easy read. I really think it will help.

Here for you,

Carol xx

[Guest_2350]

Thanks Carol,

I actually own that book and have read it several times before - never in the current context though. You are right, it is a nice read. I will put it on my bed side table for night lecture.

I am so angry at the moment. I feel so misunderstood and hurt. I hate being labeled. I hate people telling me what's wrong with me. All I want is have my life back. I don't want to take medication and I don't want people to tell me what is normal. I feel like I have been dragged into an evil game that I don't want to be part of.

I wonder where they moved the cheese to?

How are you feeling today? Has the tingling subsided? Please look after yourself.

Take care, Yggy

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Yggy,

I went back and had a look at the book and I have never read it in this context either but I think it applies. I think it may give you an aha moment, especially if you have read it before.

How am I feeling? If you read your second paragraph above they are almost my exact thoughts right now. The only difference is that I want someone to work out my label. I am sick of not knowing what us wrong. My desire to be off the meds comes from wanting a diagnosis from scratch. I'll get there. The journey is hard and I just want it over. However these things don't work like that. Luckily we havd these forums and our experts for support.

You mention about not wanting people to label you and tell you what's wrong with you. I would also encourage you to remember what happens inside us when we are anxious or depressed. Our own body starts labelling us and telling us how we feel even though it's not true. Perhaps you can think of your illness like people. Envisage them in some form and remind yoursekf that they are telling you how to feel. They are telling you that hiding and protecting yourself is the only way but they can be tricking you Yggy. What if the only way to really be "normal" again is to let all of that hurt and anger and grief out and then move forward.

Read the book tonight Yggy. Be open in your thoughts when you read it. I think that you may just be amazed at how much this resonates with how you feel right now.

Let me know how you go.

Big hugs

Carol xx