PTSD and Trauma

Over it all PTSD and medical problems

replies: 8

Hi . my name is falling angel I'm new and just trying to find my way around this website ive been constantly depressed and anxious for over 3 years due to a adult abuse I was abused as a child and after being abused as a adult I just can't seem to wo... View more

Hi . my name is falling angel I'm new and just trying to find my way around this website ive been constantly depressed and anxious for over 3 years due to a adult abuse I was abused as a child and after being abused as a adult I just can't seem to work out what is wrong with me and how to help myself its like I've given up on humanity except a minor few ppl who keep me going (only just)I'm just so confused on who I'm living for and what my purpose is in life I'm on a disability and am 45yo female just reaching out thanks to anyone who reads my thread and any input look forward to hearing from you

Can't do it alone anymore

replies: 43

I ended up with PTSD 5 years ago as a result of working for an abusive, violent man, who also had leadership role in church! I also injured my neck working for him & now live with chronic pain. I was sexually abused as a child & also grew up in domes... View more

I ended up with PTSD 5 years ago as a result of working for an abusive, violent man, who also had leadership role in church! I also injured my neck working for him & now live with chronic pain. I was sexually abused as a child & also grew up in domestic violence- my dad a Vietnam Vet suffered with PTSD also but went undiagnosed until the 1990's i also have 7 other medical conditions related/ connected to PTSD! I've had to deal with it alone for past 5 years as all my friends left me & ive not heard from them since telling them I have PTSD & depression! This added deep grief to the mix to deal with as well . 5 years is along time to deal with it all alone & I ve come to the point where I can't do it alone anymore. I need some support & connection!

Needing some advice please

replies: 11

Hello, I am new to posting but I am feeling VERY low tonight and really in need of some advice on how to overcome a few things. I will do my best to keep it short and will summarise a lot. I am a young mother (I have 3 children). Growing up I lived i... View more

Hello, I am new to posting but I am feeling VERY low tonight and really in need of some advice on how to overcome a few things. I will do my best to keep it short and will summarise a lot. I am a young mother (I have 3 children). Growing up I lived in quite an abusive household. My mother is a narcissist and she was verbally, mentally, emotionally and physically abusive. I have been no contact with her now for 3 months as she is still very poisonous. I am currently seeing a psychologist as I would like to heal. My biggest fear is becoming someone like my mother and inflicting pain on my family like she did. I am petrified of becoming her. anyway, today I was at a friends house They repeated a story that I apparently told them when we were in high school and It was a lie.. a complete lie. I am sitting here now remembering some of the things I told people - I used to be a compulsive liar.. like, out of this world made up stories. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I couldn't even cough up the truth when they said it.. It has really depressed me as I am not sure why I felt the need to do this when I was younger. My life was dramatic enough lol. Although, I'm not sure anyone was very aware of what was going on in my house as my mother is "quite the woman" in this small town - I do not understand where on earth I could of even thought these stories up. I feel very hopeless right now. I feel like I will never not be able to become my mother and it would be safer if I was alone.

Loosing my brother

replies: 7

In January, I lost my brother he was only 29. It was at my home, he had someone stay over that night who came running out to tell me he wasn't breathing or moving. When I got to him he was on responsive I think he had already passed. I called the amb... View more

In January, I lost my brother he was only 29. It was at my home, he had someone stay over that night who came running out to tell me he wasn't breathing or moving. When I got to him he was on responsive I think he had already passed. I called the ambulance as soon as I got to him, they worked on him for 40 minutes. I thought they had him as why would they work on him for so long. We are still waiting for answers, so much doesn't make sense, I feel like I'm loosing control over everything, I can't function properly they it's, but's and why's are crushing me, the only if I should have's. I am litterally broken and I don't know how to fix myself

(TRIGGER WARNING -firearms related) A new flashback after a very long time

replies: 28

Dear All~ This post involves putting down animals - please no not read if you think it might upset you. I'm writing this account in part to because I feel I need to in order to fully accept it, partly so others with PTSD can see what can happen in th... View more

Dear All~ This post involves putting down animals - please no not read if you think it might upset you. I'm writing this account in part to because I feel I need to in order to fully accept it, partly so others with PTSD can see what can happen in the future - and perhaps take encouragement. Flashbacks that were much closer in time to the original event were for me overwhelming in many ways. This is a new one, not experienced before and milder. The subject matter may seem silly or trivial to some. My wife is in the next room. I used to be a policeman. These events happen around 1980 and whilst I have been able to refer to them in conversation it has always been in a clinical fashion. In the last couple of weeks they have suddenly become 'real' with several occasions where I was fully back there. One of my duties was to be on-call after hours. At that time the local railway fell in my jurisdiction. On two separate occasions I was rung up by the public saying that there were injured sheep on the tracks. On each occasion I went to the area involved, wearing old clothes and located them. Some were in a very bad way, and since I had no possibility of quickly calling a vet I had to put them down. In each case they had been there some time. To do this I had to use my service revolver and stop to reload before completing the task. I then went home, showered and changed and my wife rang the railways to clear the track. This is surprisingly hard for me to say. The memory is crystal clear in my mind with sounds and other sensory input, however I will not give any more details, they are not really suitable. I'm not flashing back, so I guess I'm improving. I am crying.

Mindfulness PTSD and Trauma...

replies: 14

It seems to be a bit of a thing. I have been hearing people say that they can't do mindfulness strategies because they don't want to think about the past. I was thinking though for me mindfulness is about being fully in the moment right now. It was m... View more

It seems to be a bit of a thing. I have been hearing people say that they can't do mindfulness strategies because they don't want to think about the past. I was thinking though for me mindfulness is about being fully in the moment right now. It was my pathway out of the PTSD symptoms because they stopped my awareness of the world around. I think of it as reclaiming the now. There seem to be enough front line workers and former ones here who are carrying stories, moments, sounds, and all sorts. I am another of that group. I do wonder what I would be like if I had been a plumber or a florist instead. Even so, with a little perseverance I am able to be in some of those places and around some of those people and feel alright, it took 5 years, and there will be more no doubt. So this mindfulness, thinking on what I am doing, where I am, taking it all in. I was rather dismissive of it. There you go.

I just need to get things off my chest (trigger warning: sexual abuse)

replies: 1

Hi, I feel terrible for venting/dumping my issues on strangers when the reason i don't want to talk to family is because of how much it depresses people them hearing it, i'm hoping strangers won't have a vested interest in me to become depressed over... View more

Hi, I feel terrible for venting/dumping my issues on strangers when the reason i don't want to talk to family is because of how much it depresses people them hearing it, i'm hoping strangers won't have a vested interest in me to become depressed over my pathetic problems. I've been crying for the past 2 hours following an anxiety bout, i haven't slept for about 39 hours and i am no where near to being able to close my eyes let alone sleep. My brain hates me right now. The man i'm in love with is asleep next to me and i don't want to wake him up and speak to him because he has his own problems and i'm over dumping my stuff on him and making it worse for him. I'm not speaking to my father (we moved back in with m parents after my mum had a hip replacements and my older brother decided he couldn't help) because he has spent the past 8 months criticising every decision i make, every aspect my my personality and every choice i have made or plan to make. My mum has just started seeing a psycologist and been diagnosed with BPD (which i was diagnosed with about 7 years ago), so she's wrapped up in her problems and when i try to talk to her she changes the topic to her problems or she shuts down and doesn't know what to say. My older brother decided he didn't have to have anything to do with the family when he moved out and got a girlfriend and he has had issues with me since i had a severe suicidal period and nearly let my dog starve along with me. I just don't know what to do, i can't get hopeful about anything (I've given up on being happy). There is only the man i love who accepts my decisions and who i changed into after getting counselling (i started standing up for myself) but like i said he has his own problems and it kills me thinking i'm making him depressed by constantly crying on his shoulder. I'm 28 and unemployed because of my mental state, i was living in a van with my dog and this man for years before coming back her and it was great. Being away from all but 1 human and only surrounding myself with nature and animals was the best i have felt in my life, but having come back to my parents house things have just gone from bad to worse. I'm living in the house that i was sexually abused in for 10 years by my older brother (he died from an illness and was 5 years older than me), he raped me from the age of 6 to 15 and it stopped only when i was too old for him. I see him in my dreams and everywhere in this house. I'm out of characters now

In A Very Dark Place Right Now

replies: 9

No idea how to squeeze this all into 2500 characters. We grew up with an abusive alcoholic father. My diagnoses include PTSD, severe depression, severe anxiety, Asperger's, panic disorder, sensory processing disorder, bipolar disorder (type 3), and a... View more

No idea how to squeeze this all into 2500 characters. We grew up with an abusive alcoholic father. My diagnoses include PTSD, severe depression, severe anxiety, Asperger's, panic disorder, sensory processing disorder, bipolar disorder (type 3), and a bunch of other stuff. Basically, I haven't been able to cope with the real world for a really long time. Almost every time I have contact with my parents, I spiral into a deep depression. DEEP. And it's always triggered by something very small. The last time I was triggered was in August last year and I haven't recovered. And now it's worse. My little sister was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer in October last year, which is spreading, on top of the other massive health issues she's been dealing with all her life. She has four boys, all have the same father, and three of them are the product of partner rape. She is not 'with' him anymore, but at the moment he lives with her because she can't take care of the kids by herself. And now he wants sex. She says she's not going to let it happen. I'm worried given his behaviour in the past, and now that she's weaker than ever. Full back-story on all this stuff would take thousands of words, so to put it as simply as I can: Dad triggered me badly last year, my little sister is dying and living with a monster, she has four boys who will soon lose their mum and be stuck with their dreadful father, I am barely able to cope with my own children (who have mental health issues of their own) so there's no possibility of us taking in her kids after she passes, and for the second time in six months I am . . . I don't even know. I have no control over my emotions, I have to pull over when I'm driving to scream (literally scream), and I can say with almost 100% certainty that if I lived closer to my parents and sister I would have already been arrested for murder - of my father last year, or of my sister's ex this past Friday. I'm on medication, and I'm seeing a psychologist at the moment, and we were making some progress but what happened on Friday has set me waaaaaaaay back. I don't know how many times I can come back from this stuff, and it's only going to get worse. When my sister passes, I will lose it. Guaranteed. I don't even know what I'm asking of you guys here. Whatever you can offer will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading xxx

When is enough too much

replies: 5

My relationship of 16 years has come to an ugly end. Weve tried so hard for the last year to fix it. I suffer from chronic depression ptsd and anxiety for about 10 years, maybe more. All as a result of this violent relationship. And ive done it alone... View more

My relationship of 16 years has come to an ugly end. Weve tried so hard for the last year to fix it. I suffer from chronic depression ptsd and anxiety for about 10 years, maybe more. All as a result of this violent relationship. And ive done it alone and mostly quietly untill it hospitalised me 2 years ago. I could not burden my family and I had his shit as my destraction. Im not a drama queen and like my vulnerabilities as my own. I don't play the victim because I stayed by choice and loved him. My relationship was a tumultuous one and the anger he has had all his life has left its stain on me. Im 45 have 2 grown kids and a granddaughter and one on the way I buried the son that wasnt mine by birth two years ago. My depression is so severe that those 3 and my mum are all that holds me to the earth. While I have a genuine fear of "killing myself" I fear im doing exactly that. Im self destructing in the slowest ugliest way. I weigh 39kgs at 5"10 not taking my meds that treat a few vital organs. I smoke two packs a day and eat nothing while working 12 hour labour shifts. I dont drink or drug. cant be bothered showering or brushing my teeth. Im losing work because I cant control the crying. I feel sick all the time and just so obscenely sad. Its more than the breakdown of my relationship its a breakdown. Period. Ive been through these before but ive never had a depressive episode last 3 months. I am barely sleeping and three times in the last month ive had to look at the mail on the table to remember my own name!. Sometimes im so confused I walk to work because I cant figure out the peddles and gears. I forget the simplest tasks at work and its getting noticed. I've fears and insecurities that make me feel so worthless. And for the first time ever I dont know how to deal. Im not even sure why I am here telling this. Though I have suffered so much physical abuse and emotional torture for so many years it has never crossed my mind to abandon him in his torment, maybe I understood on a different level that alot of society is not willing to accept. His sadness had nothing to do with me so itried to help. His physical state is as bad as mine and he doesnt drink or drug either. I dont want to abandon him but I dont really want to die either. What do I do? Where do I go from here?

PTSD Cyclist vs Car

replies: 3

I just joined up to this site last week, almost 3 years ago I was riding my bike to work when a driver of a car failed to give way at a round about and hit me off my bike breaking my left femur. I had a spiral fracture that split my bone into 3 and r... View more

I just joined up to this site last week, almost 3 years ago I was riding my bike to work when a driver of a car failed to give way at a round about and hit me off my bike breaking my left femur. I had a spiral fracture that split my bone into 3 and required surgery and a metal rod and 4 screws to hold it all back together. like you also I have had ongoing chronic pain ever since, I have since had 2 more surgeries to remove all the metal but still the pain persists nearly 3 years on and is now having a bad effect on my hips and knee joints on both legs. I tried to return to my work as a spray painter 6 months after the accident even on light duties but still couldn't manage to keep up with demand, I stuck it out for a year and a bit trying all sorts of different solutions to help deal with the pain none of which had much effect. I have now since left my job last year to try and seek more suitable employment. but all I have known since leaving school is spray painting, so it is proving rather difficult to find anything else. I have had many interviews for jobs that my skills would b transferable but it seems no one wants to hire a broken person. Needless to say this has also had an effect on my mental health, I had a bit of a meltdown just before the first year past becoming serverly depressed and anxious. I have been seeing a psychiatrist ever since and have been put on some fairly heavy anti depressants. Even with all that I still find it hard to get better when there is still all this pain and money worrys. I have a claim underway aswell which also stresses me out and it just keeps getting pushed back further by the doctors who say I'm not stable yet. I'm only 28 but this whole experience has just drained the life out of me not to mention physically I now move like a 70 year old, I've forgotten what its like to be normal. Is there any one else in a or has been through a similar situation and feel like sharing? I found writing things down on here slightly helpful.

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PTSD for Medical and First Responders

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