Lost and confused

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

A year into my journey to seek help I feel as lost and confused or more than when I started this. 

I know there was a trigger event at the beginning of the week, but I feel helpless to stop the helplessness. I want to do things that make me feel better, but I also just want to hide. I've seen my psych yesterday and I don't think it has helped.

Just as I thought I had a bit of clarity and a goal to focus on, the playing field has changed once again. I'm just so tired of it. I like rules and I like to focus on goals, and in this game there are no rules, my back up team (meds) is a big trial and error, the ref (doc and psych) don't know which game I'm playing and confuse me when they have a guess, then we have time out and during this the game changes - so with my studs I run on ice all of the sudden. 

I will as every day, keep some of my routine up, I don't give in that easy.

Will it ever get any easier? What can I do to make me understand that there is no game plan? How did you break through the confusion?

[Guest_2350]

Hi Carol,

I feel so deserted right now. All I want for someone is to tell me I'll be ok.

I will read the book tonight, at least the beginning.

[Guest_5218]

Oh Yggy, I wish it were as easy as telling you that "you'll be okay". If it were, I would. ( - :

I just read your post from earlier today "The last time I felt like that I left my old psych. Here I sit again, 6 months later, asking the same question". I would urge you not to give up on this current psych. You do, just from reading your recent posts, seem to be making some progress. Give it some more time.

We are always here for you to 'bounce off' Yggy, so please dont feel as though you've been deserted.

You'll be okay ............... ( - :

Hugs

Sherie xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi Yggy,

I hope you're feeling a little better this morning? Especially since you now have finally been given a diagnosis.

The diagnosis of Bipolar may be a little daunting initially, but at least now they will know how best to treat it.

I dont know anything about bipolar so I didnt post to your new thread. But I do know that if antidepressants are used for periods of depression they should be used with a mood stabilizer. I dont know if the ADs you are on have this or not? If they dont, then I expect they will change to one that does.

Has the psych advised of any change in treatment options, ie should you continue with the ACT therapy? I know psychotherapy is one of the recommended treatments for bipolar, but not sure if there are any considered more effective than others for bipolar specifically.

I hope you are coping okay with this latest bombshell? In a way it must be a relief to finally know, to actually be able to put a label on what ails you. At least I hope that is the case.

I will be thinking of you ..........

Sherie xx

[Guest_2350]

Hi Sherie,

Thanks, I feel a little bit better being back at work today. I did not want to go but decided it will be good for me. I have more appointments Monday / Tuesday and yes there is a discussion about changing treatment.

I will write more soon.

Hope you're coping ok, Yggy

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Yggy,

Your new thread puts your more recent posts here into context for me.

The label in no way changes who you are or your sense of self. It only serves to help open the doors to understanding yourself better.

Change is something that happens to everyone through all stages of our lives. Some are harder than others and often all change is frightening. I hope the story in that book will help comfort you somewhat.

You are not alone in this journey. Your psych is there to guide you. I would urge you to trust your psych. Your friends here are going to be here to support you along the way.

Warm thoughts,

Carol xx

[Guest_2350]

Dear Carol, Dear Sherie,

another restless night. I will have to put some focus on my daily routines that I have abandoned in a busy work week / upsetting Dr visits.

I think the combination of challenging my safety behaviours and hearing that psychological treatment may be with me for the rest of my life has upset me a lot. I guess I still believed this will be something I will eventually snap out of. Or I will eventually learn how to cope with my past. Or... I am still shocked and I don't understand why I was diagnosed bipolar. I'm in general a person who requires a lot of reasoning to accept someone else's thoughts & opinions and I will question ideas and dissect solutions. I think that makes me good at my job. It might not make me the easiest person to work with - especially when it is re mental health. But then surely they need to know how to deal with this? I just wish they would see me more than every other week, my mind torments me in the times in between.

Carol, how are you feeling? Has the anger subsided? It must be so confusing for you not to know what is caused by the medication, what is caused by your illness and what your illness is. How much longer do you have to wait for the next appointment? I hope you will find the right doctor then. It is scary to think that they try their best to help us, but they may have put us on the wrong meds and we are the ones fighting every day.

Sherie, how are you feeling this morning? I am glad to read that the EMDR was not as disturbing as the last time, are you still ok now? How was your family visit? I can understand that you don't want everyone to know how you feel and that you feel vulnerable and exposed if your history gets discussed by your psych and GP. I have told my GP about things I want and don't want in my files and he is trying to keep everything very vague and we do not talk about the past, just about how I am getting on with my therapists. It is good for me as I struggle with my therapists and need someone to talk to about that. He also makes sure that my general health does not suffer too much. And I can get a booking quickly if I'm in need or he has called on occasion when I needed support. So for me the GP is the one that holds it all together and makes sure that I don't make irrational decisions when I lock heads with my psychs or need to vent.

I hope you will both have a relaxing weekend. Take care, Yggy

[Guest_5218]

Morning Yggy, I'm glad of your update here today. And I thank you for the pizzas at the Cafe last night. Hope you had a nice quiet time in the Treehouse, and I believe Carol joined you too.

In answer to your enquiry - I had a reasonable sleep last night, interrupted but sleeping in between the interruptions. And as far as the EMDR work yesterday - it seemed equally as distressing during the process, but I dont seem to have been affected as much afterwards as I was last week. So perhaps something is working? It was interesting that a few different things (memories) came up unbidden during yesterdays session. That was pretty bad, but eventually subsided. She told me afterwards that sometimes related (and sometimes even un-related but similar) memories and incidents will come up during the therapy.

Yggy I was thinking that it may be useful for you to get in contact with Tony WK (White Knight) as he may be able to offer you some insights and tips. If my memory is not failing me here, he was initially diagnosed with bipolar way back, but later changed to bipolar 2. Not sure what the difference is, but I gather they are treated a little different somehow. I was thinking that he may be able to offer you some useful advice?

So who was it that has finally diagnoses the bipolar - a psychiatrist? We can only assume they know what they are doing, and hope they are right. When you go through these process and expect a 'cure' and a full recovery in time, then it must be a shock to hear otherwise. But is it really such a bad thing to need psych treatment for the foreseeable future? It may be often and regular now. But in time, once things stabilise through treatment, meds if necessary, and an acceptance of the condition, then surely psych visits will become just a regular tune-up process? Once a month just to discuss how things are going and make sure meds and any other treatment is working as it should? Is that how you see it? I'm afraid I am pretty much in the dark with bipolar so this is only guesswork on my behalf. I hope they have given you all the information you need in which to dissect and prod at the diagnosis and to compare with how you have been. I'm sure that would help with your analytical mind and a need to know.

I understand its been a difficult week for you, both with hectic work schedule and upsetting Dr visits. Hopefully you will be able to have a restful weekend, and feel ready to tackle the world again come Monday.

Sherie xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Yggy,

It is a good thing to question things. I do that for a living too as a Business Analyst/Consultant. It is good however to remain open to new knowledge and information and seek to use that to the best of our ability especially from highly educated professionals.

My anger has subsided. I am massively lethargic. I have had some good advice from the fine people here in the forums so I am trying to just go with those feelings. I am sleeping my days away but hope it will get better in time.

My GP has me on double strength pain meds at night and none during the day in the hopes to fix my sleep cycle issue. I am not a fan of this but am trying it out. I may be a bit quiet for a few days but I am ok.

Take care Yggy and I think the housework distraction is a good idea xx

[Guest_2350]

Dear Sherie,

thank you so much for your post!

How was your day? I hope you continued to have a better experience after the EMDR than he last time. Memories are such a weird thing. They just come back unannounced and we sit there and have to deal with the aftermath.

My psychiatrist gave me the diagnosis. I spend most of the day reading and learning about the illness and the medication. I don't want to sit there and feel like they are doing things to me, I want to understand what is happening to me. I will get a second opinion though before starting further treatment. I've written down the key points in my life, my career and events as well as my family history. I do have mental illness in the family, so I guess there is a possibility.

I am still angry that nothing was explained to me. All I know is that in the next session we are supposed to discuss the introduction of another medication. I am worried about another medication in the mix and the side effects.

Work had a big effect this week and I will have to take care next week to stay within my limits - it is so easy to just go full out again, and then I suffer. I have no idea how my recent diagnosis will impact my work life.

I have decided that I want to work with my doctors to get better - once the diagnosis is confirmed.

Have a lovely evening. Take care, Yggy

[Guest_2350]

Dear Carol,

I hope you will get a good nights rest tonight.

Thank you for reminding me to stay open to new information. Such an important statement.

Even when you're lethargic - do you have a nice hobby or something to do, that does not require much energy? I like watching the fish or watching a Disney movie. Even sitting in my garden is nice. When you have a little more energy - how about a little walk? Could someone come for coffee or take you out for lunch?

I hope time will fly for you until your appointment.

Please take good care of yourself, Yggy