Lost and confused

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

A year into my journey to seek help I feel as lost and confused or more than when I started this. 

I know there was a trigger event at the beginning of the week, but I feel helpless to stop the helplessness. I want to do things that make me feel better, but I also just want to hide. I've seen my psych yesterday and I don't think it has helped.

Just as I thought I had a bit of clarity and a goal to focus on, the playing field has changed once again. I'm just so tired of it. I like rules and I like to focus on goals, and in this game there are no rules, my back up team (meds) is a big trial and error, the ref (doc and psych) don't know which game I'm playing and confuse me when they have a guess, then we have time out and during this the game changes - so with my studs I run on ice all of the sudden. 

I will as every day, keep some of my routine up, I don't give in that easy.

Will it ever get any easier? What can I do to make me understand that there is no game plan? How did you break through the confusion?

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

A new thread, a different analogy … one that I didn’t mind either;  though if you change the game to ice hockey, then you can simply throw off your boots and studs and put on ice skates and you’ll be on top of everything.  Though, I must admit, when I first did read your post, my silly mind went off on a different tangent when you said:  “so with my studs I run on ice all of a sudden”;  so there’s me thinking you’re running out on some ice with some heavenly hunks beside.

I do like the part where you wrote that you are going to continue to keep on, and keep going every day, because you don’t give in that easy.  That is one terrific attitude and with all that you’ve been facing and how low things have been for you for so long, you should feel proud inside for still possessing that steely resolve.

I honestly think that it does get easier.  In fact, I know that it does.  I’ve been down in the murky depths many times and from there you can’t see very far in front of you at all – I will be down there again, though it’s a place I don’t want to visit, it’s just the way things are for me.  I was there in fact last week, and have only just climbed up a little higher.  Not much, but a little.

That’s the key here Yggy … when we’re at our lowest ebbs or if not lowest, a long long way down, it does not mean that we will stay there.  Even if we can get a bit of a slight change in things, to climb us out of it ever so slightly.

Keep on with all that you’re doing – it will not always be this bleak.  I hope you can believe that.

Kind regards

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil, my friend,

I was hoping with all my heart that you went to Japan without telling me and you were having the time of your life in the ten days.

Has anything specific happened that pulled you down in the murky depth? Is there anything I can do, would you like to share your thoughts (you don't have to)?

What gives you the strength to pull yourself up from down below? Again and again and again? What keeps you going every time life is too murky to see a future? 

I am at work now, plotting along. It costs me a lot of energy to get here and a few hours of contemplating before I make a move, but so far I have managed to go. Unfortunately the incident this week showed me how instable my little world is at the moment and that I have not much resilience left. 

I will write more later. 

Take care, Yggy

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

No, not in Japan yet … that’s a couple of weeks from tomorrow … very daunting I must say, but I’m hoping it will be ok.

That’s a good question you raise.  I had something similar asked to me the other day – or actually a question a friend and I bounced off each other, and our answer was pretty much the same.  Our kids.  My kids.  My son and my daughter.  They are the 1st key component for where I get my strength from to rise up again and again.

My body and my ability to move and do things is another big one.  Therefore, I need to do things that are going to be beneficial to me and how I will be as the years continue.  Feeding myself properly, moving around as much and as often as I can – to keep myself as fit as I possibly can – though I do know that I could be a hell of a lot fitter.  But at this current point in time, I’m not going to be doing any Super IronMan Triathlons – those ones that take about 9-10 hours for the early finishers.  

 The massive positive I read here Yggy, is that you ARE at work … and you will be operational again soon.  This is despite the setback that you suffered.  Your resilience while you feel that it is lowering, is still there.

Do you have anything planned for Easter?   4 days off – that IS something to be looking forward to, especially for those of us who are in dire need of it.  This could be a time to help replenish your energies and your resilience … to do something for you, something that you will enjoy.  Even if by coming here and reading other people’s posts for self-improvement?  Or even look something like that up on the inter-web?

Chat again,

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I am sorry I cannot be there for you when you are feeling bad. The problem on this webpage is that I cannot check on you, text you, see how you're getting on... I'm sorry that you are struggling. 

I'm sorry that I sound like a broken record. I get so stuck in my thoughts that I don't even realise that I ask the same things again and again. And I am telling the same stories again and again, it must be frustrating for people around me and it is for me.

It is the middle of the night now. As often I will come here so I don't feel so alone. Or I read or google something. Eventually I will put my sleep meditation on and hopefully go back asleep. How much damage I do to my sleep pattern by actually going online, I don't know. Then I wake up and I come on the forum and often I spend a couple of hours here before I am ready for work. I check during work time and I check when I'm back home. 

I know some good routines I should establish in my life again that can make me feel better. Do a little yoga and meditate after waking. Exercise in the morning. Prepare a healthy breakfast and lunch. Get to work on time. Focus on work. Go for a little walk at lunch time. Contact a friend. Spend time with my husband. Prepare a healthy dinner. 

But I don't do it and to be honest it has been slipping more and more in the last few months. How much is down to the meds? What effect does my mental health have on my motivation? There are a million of questions. Questions that don't have answers because by the time I get into gear, I have run out of time. I used to pride myself in making good choices, setting priorities and organising my time efficiently - to my best knowledge. I know I made mistakes in allocating my time, but I did it to my then best knowledge. I know now I need to readjust the way I see my capabilities but I also know that I need to bring some of my discipline back into my life. 

One of the big time killers I identified when I was trying to organise my time more efficiently back then was screen time. It is again now. I think I will spend time on the weekend looking at new strategies (and rules) to set up my day. I don't like the person I am morphing into and it does not reflect my values. Even if I cannot be as efficient and strong as before - I can at least give it a better shot then now. 

Take care, Yggy

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

Firstly, please don’t worry about me … yes, I’m struggling, but so are we all.  But please, your priority is you – but I am cool to be your 2nd priority … (insert cheeky wink).  😉

Now, onto the broken record thing … it’s a good job you’re talking to me about that because yes, I do know the old broken record reference.  But if I happened to be one of these swish young bucks of the current generation, then I’d be wondering (a) what is a record, and (b) what is this reference meaning?  I mean, yo we have ipods and stuff like that now yo, and none of this stuff ever breaks and we just listen to our mad muzak all the time through our freaky headphones, while on the bus, while in-line skating and while wearing our hoodies when it’s 35 degrees.

Ok, trivial Neil is over.

Here’s something that I do wonder about … and it’s in reference to what you’ve written about night-time jaunts on the computer and how or whether it affects your sleep.  I’ve read on so many other threads during my time here, that people have trouble sleeping – so they then go on their computer.  Now, I’ve never claimed to be overly intelligent or clever, but for me – if a person is having trouble sleeping, I would have thought that ANY kind of stimulus would be things you’d be trying to avoid big time.  I know I’ve done it a couple of times, but more so to check the rain radar out if I can hear a storm coming.

But that then entailed flicking on the monitor and going from darkness to suddenly having a screen lit up in front of me – it’s a massive change in your internal rods and colons and gets the head and brain rising from its rested, slumbered, snoozing state.

I would think that would then wake up all senses, etc … that even though they weren’t possibly sleeping (for those who do this in the wee early hours), it would definitely awaken them out of any dozing state they were in.  Hence the next day would potentially be a long, sleepy and low day.

I do like hearing about you speak about your routines and things that you have either put in place or that you know you should do.  KEEP doing this … over and over and it will eventually happen.  Maybe not all at once, but even if you get one of those things into place, that’s a positive.

Ps:   if I don’t speak again before Easter, I hope you have a lovely Easter.

Cheers

Neil

[Guest_2350]

 Dear Neil,

you have a gift and you always know how to make me smile. The young ones will never know how much fun & frustration it was to tape something of the radio, to listen to the charts to hear one song - and a moderator talking... I guess we had to learn patience. Now we can watch and listen to whatever we want, whenever we want. My son asked me the other day, why I don't watch something on "catch-up TV" (don't know if that is what it is called) and why I still record my shows.

I agree with you that going online when I cannot sleep is not a great solution, but I think it is better than bashing my head against the wall. My psychiatrist actually asked me sincerely the other day, if I had done this before - no I have not bashed my head against the wall, but I sometimes get so stuck in my head, it is mad. Jokes aside, what can I do when I wake up distressed and cannot stop thinking and go back asleep. First I try to listen to sounds or my husband breathing, I try to calm myself and think of other things. Often that does not work and eventually I will get up. I know I don't have a good day ahead if I cannot sleep, but that does not help me to go back asleep.

I would like to get back into my routines, and I try. I won't meditate this morning, as I am alone at home and I am scared. It is still dark, but I have my parrot here with me and I stay online. I won't shower this morning, as I am alone at home and I am scared. I think that is what my psych means when she says we have to tackle my anxiety. I think over the years I have just accepted all this as normal. I even question why I should change, if I don't hurt anyone. I am on high alert and I can hear every sound. I know I had a tough week and I did not sleep much last night, and that makes it harder. It will be daylight soon, I can actually see dawn now. The birds are starting to wake up.

Neil, I wish I could start to understand what is happening to me and how I can help myself. I have been thinking of going into care for a while just to be able to make some sense. But that scares me as well. I talk to my psychiatrist, psychologist, GP and helplines, but I just don't seem to get any sense. I don't even have a proper diagnosis yet.

I will go for a walk today and I will meet a friend. We will also have friends coming Easter Sunday.

I hope you have a happy Easter with your family. You need to tell me what you did and how your preparations for Japan are coming along.

Take care, Yggy

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

I hope you and your family had a fun Easter egg hunt today.

I kept myself busy, ate a lot of chocolate and am now hiding from the world - I told hubby & friend I'm tired. And I am.

What is happening to me? I am so tired of trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong. I'm worried that one day my hubby and friend will give up on me. I don't like living with myself at the moment, why should anyone else enjoy my company? 

I will stop writing for tonight, I will keep plotting along as usual and hopefully some day I will find enthusiasm again in my action and not a robotic, let's go through it. 

Take care, Yggy

[Neil_1]

Dear Yggy,

I wish I had some advice on the sleep problem.  That can have major bad repercussions for us, to have a shocking night and lack of sleep, that then just leaves you so vulnerable for the next day.  It’s almost like a free-for-all for the Black Dog, as our defences are largely down.

You mentioned that you were home alone and scared … but you made it through, didn’t you?  I hope you made it through.

What about cycling?  Is that something that you could do?

Fishing?  Is that another option?   Though I think I’d rather cycling, as it keeps you fit and keeps your mind occupied, as you need to be aware of your surroundings, and keep upright, etc.  But not only that, but being aware of your surroundings allows you to take in different views and sights to see.

Have you mentioned your thoughts to your hubby and your friend … that you think that in time, they will eventually give up on you?  I think it might be important to raise this with them;  in order for them to give you some concrete reassurance that they are there for you and will not be going anywhere.

Easter was good … and yep, there’s still some eggs that haven’t been found.  J  J   I love that.  J

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

so after work you still go Easter egg hunting? That sounds like a great idea! I have not done an Easter egg hunt in years - I'm looking forward to doing it again when there are grandkids around - that know what it means. 

How are your preparations for Japan going and how are you feeling about the trip? 

What are you doing for training when you're on holidays? Do you check out the hotel gym before you book? I used to book my hotels close to a park and pool, so I would only miss cycling sessions when I trained for a tri. 

How have you been lately? Has the nasty dog stayed in the kennel?  

I'm back on my bike and I love riding around the country side. I try to do it once or twice a month. It's a start.

I woke up this morning and meditated. Then I drove to work and all of the sudden I had a clarity I have not felt for ages. I remembered who I am. It's an awesome feeling after all these dark days. I hope I can hold onto this.

Take care, Yggy