Lost and confused

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

A year into my journey to seek help I feel as lost and confused or more than when I started this. 

I know there was a trigger event at the beginning of the week, but I feel helpless to stop the helplessness. I want to do things that make me feel better, but I also just want to hide. I've seen my psych yesterday and I don't think it has helped.

Just as I thought I had a bit of clarity and a goal to focus on, the playing field has changed once again. I'm just so tired of it. I like rules and I like to focus on goals, and in this game there are no rules, my back up team (meds) is a big trial and error, the ref (doc and psych) don't know which game I'm playing and confuse me when they have a guess, then we have time out and during this the game changes - so with my studs I run on ice all of the sudden. 

I will as every day, keep some of my routine up, I don't give in that easy.

Will it ever get any easier? What can I do to make me understand that there is no game plan? How did you break through the confusion?

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Yggy,

I have taken up doing things that I can within my normal drowsiness such as crochet (My Mum would have loved that I am doing that), mindfulness colouring and watching tv. However this lethargy I feel at the moment has me struggling to keep my eyes open or to hold the phone to type. I am sleeping nearly all day. I am just going with that for now. I will talk to my GP tomorrow. I think the pain had a lot to do with the lethargy today, my bodies way of dealing with how painful the headache is.

I'lI get there. Tomorrow is another day.

I am really glad you are working through things. I think the way you are choosing to manage things sounds good.

Kind thoughts

Carol xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi Yggy,

Thanks for your post. It must be a difficult time for you? Yes, today I have been a bit up and down, but overall definitely an improvement to last week. My psych wanted to see me again on Wednesday, but I said no, too soon I need more of a break. So my next session will be Thursday week. The physical anxiety symptoms are still a worry, but I am getting better at managing them these days. Definitely a positive!

Of course you want to understand what it is that they have now diagnosed you with. And it certainly surprises me that they did not discuss with you more of the details. I think you are doing the right thing in seeking a second opinion. It is a lifetime thing, so you do want to ensure they have it right.

However, if a second opinion comes back the same, then I guess you can safely accept that what you have is Bipolar. Which as I understand it, encompasses depression and anxiety but more tellingly has extreme mood variations. It is difficult to diagnose, but once correctly diagnosed, it is manageable.

I hope this probable diagnosis is not getting you down too much Yggy? It is a good thing that they have discovered it. It means they can now treat it. And treatment is successful.

As I understand it, you work part time. Is there any chance that you can take some extra time off work for a little while, say a month or so? It could be worthwhile, just to give you some time to research, seek a second opinion, adjust, etc. Keep in mind though that a second opinion may take some time, because as I understand it, proper diagnosis of bipolar can take quite some time due to monitoring of moods etc over a period of time.

I do think its important, once you are satisfied with your diagnosis, that you are prepared to work closely with your medical support. This will be an important process in your treatment and future recovery.

Please keep us all informed on how you are getting along. Do you have an alternative psychiatrist lined up yet for your second opinion? Regarding a change of medication - you've done it before, and I know you can do it again. And with any luck, any changed (targeted) meds will have improved benefits and you will be happy to take it.

Wishing you peace of mind.

Sherie xx

[Guest_2350]

Dear Sherie, dear Carol,

Carol, how was your appointment with the GP? I hope you received some help. I love colouring in, do you have mindfulness colouring in books? What is your favourite?

Sherie, it's good that you're taking a short break from your therapie. At least you can focus on other things for a brief time.

How is the weather where you are? We're having a beautiful weekend.

I'm in a state of shock I think. I'm trying to think of my future and I'm remembering my past and try to figure out if I had manic or hypo manic phases. I've always had lots more energy and enthusiasm than other people, but I also had long bouts of sickness - whether that has something to do with this, I don't know, but I took note of it. Then I get angry, then I get sad. Now I'm exhausted. Again.

I'm actually not sure if I would like to take any time off work. Sitting at home and ruminating does not seem to be the better choice. I usually work full time (and overtime) but my doctor has cut my hours short.

Take care, Yggy

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Yggy,

I notice you are up late/early. Are you ok?

Carol xx

[Guest_2350]

Hi Carol,

I'm ok, just decided the night is over. How about you?

I'm not known for my patience. If I had to adjust something in my life these past couple of years, it is patience. I make clear decisions and stick to them, I am very goal oriented. Now I just float. In the mercy of a medical team. I tried breaking out living my usual life and fell deeper every time. So I decided to go with it. But it makes me very very sad. Like losing my independence. Actually I have lost my independence the day I started taking medication. It is a daily inner fight. I have tried to pin point what has changed. I have tried to figure out, what I have to change to go back to who I was. That is all I want, be who I was. I know when that shift started, I just don't know why. I was always a positive person, I have battled through a lot and then when everything starts going right, I head the opposite direction. Why? Why can I not just live and enjoy my life? What is bothering me? Why did I hit a wall? Where is all my energy gone? I find it sometimes, I have a bout of energy at work or at home, and then it just evaporates, as if it is a hot sunny summers day and the puddle of energy just evaporates. I want to have feelings again, I want to feel connected. Without physical contact I have stopped being able to relate to people. I don't keep in touch with family and friends, it is just all an effort and I don't know what to say. That is not me. Me, I was the enthusiastic one, the one that kept everybody going, the one that had so much love, the one that wanted to live life to the full, because I knew how fortunate I was to be alive - what happened?

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Yggy,

I just want to reach through and give you a hug. That feeling is the illness. I know because I have felt the same and it is out of character for me too. I said the same thing to my hubby the other day.

I have lots of friends but haven't seen any pretty much in 5 months. I just don't feel like me. I really know how you feel. It will get better with the right treatment Yggy. There is a lot more hope for you now. Just time needed to work through it all. I am not patient either and I am a planner too....I pretty much map out my year ahead and organise lots of fun social things, I even theme xmas on occassion 🙂

It will get better Yggy. You're right that you just have to float along at the moment.

Here for you xx

[Guest_5218]

Hi Yggy, I'm sorry its taken me two days to reply to your last post. Its just been a couple of difficult days and I didnt quite know what to say to you.

Firstly in answer to your questions from Sunday - yes I'm glad I didnt agree to a follow so soon, which would have been tomorrow. Not ready! And I have been focussing on a few other things the past few days as well. And busy at work today, and again tonight. So today is a long day - 8hrs in total, but a few hours break in the middle.

The weather over the weekend here was quite warm, and fine. Today its a little cooler, which is nice. But I think we are likely to get rain or showers a number of days over the coming week. We do need the rain, so I am happy about that.

Have you come out of your state of shock over your diagnosis yet? It must be hard because I know you'd be analysing and assessing everything you can remember in your past to try to pinpoint all the clues and find a guide as to whether this fits with how you see yourself. Now that you've had time to study and think - does it?

Mmm indeed - what happened? Maybe you'll never know that answer to that question of yours.

But I'm confident that you will regain your independence, energy, enthusiasm, love and zest for life. Once they treat the cause of your problems, you should start to see improvement. You say that you lost your sense of independence when you started to take medications? Soon it may well be quite the opposite, you will probably find that 'the proper and appropriate' medications will actually allow you to regain your independence.

Its all going to take some time, but it will all work out. In the meantime, just float along, remain calm and accept that you will have some bad times - but that better days are definitely in store for you.

I'm here for you also. Hugs to you.

Sherie xx

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

just here to give you a brief update. I'm going through withdrawal from one type of meds and starting new meds, so I'm not in the best of all head spaces. I'll just float.

Hope you're doing ok, Yggy

[Guest_5218]

Okay, I understand. Just drift along and go with the flow. Happier times coming ........... be confident.

Hugs and kind thoughts coming your way.

Sherie xx

[Lost_Girl]

Hey Yggy,

Big hugs for you. You can get through this. Let us know if things get tough so we can help hold you up.

Kind thoughts

Carol xx