It hurts.

[Centaured]

Ive blamed myself for my trauma my whole life. I'm starting to realise I'm right and that hurts. Not only was it my my fault but my actions following it led me down a dark path and I don't know how its ever going to change.

So yeh background on the first paragraph. my behavioural support practitioner saw me today and has told me we are going to start doing therapy together and wanted me to write some things down on what we need to address. I was randomly writing stuff about believing some stuff was my fault and some stuff that has happened. The I started crying. Now I'm wanting to self harm because the thing that was fault led to my first self harm and then everything has just escalated the last 10 years since then.

How do you rectify PTSD with knowing you caused in the first place. Let alone trying to manage DID and bipolar amongst it all. I'm tired. I wish that first suicide attempt had just worked, even after these years.

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

It's not in the least surprising you are feeling drained, you have had a heavy time since last Wednesday/Thursday.

So apart from being drained how else are you feeling?

Is it easy for you to get back to WA or are there things in the way? Whenever I've traveled I've bought tickets that can't have the return date changed without costing more than the ticket is worth

Are there any people you still want to visit with or things you want to do before returning?

Yes a chill DM with a sense of humor, I miss the D&D games, but sadly that's history now.

Croix

[Centaured]

I'm off home on Wednesday Croix. Not much longer.

Today I'm going to a cheese shop. Mmmmm cheese.

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

I wish you a good journey, and no hassles in the meantime. Are you OK with traveling?

"Mmmmm cheese." I thought that was Wallace from Wallace and Gromit - not centaurs.

Croix

[Centaured]

Centaurs love wine....why not cheese too 😂😂😂

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

Maybe it's me with a false impression, but I always imagined centaurs as being ruff tough characters, which fits in with large swigs of wine out of earthenware jugs, or maybe large metal goblets

I never saw them as attending Wine and Cheese soirées, You live and learn I guess.

Anyway -enjoy.

Croix

[Centaured]

"Those youth and their soirees" the older centaurs slur at the millennial ones, sitting against rock outcroppings swigging their aged wine from earthen-ware their grandmother's made.

[Croix]

Dear (millennial) Centaured

I'm hoping you had all the cheese you wanted and am wishing you a good journey home tomorrow.

-C

[Centaured]

Thank you Croix ☺️

[Centaured]

Christmas is scary for me.

Not only was my childhood destroyed at Christmas, I was assaulted sexually by an international internet predator who came to the country for me 5 years ago.

I never told anyone/admitted what he did to me. And it's the thing I blame myself for the most, for being friends with him and not seeing what was happening.

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

I did come here to your thread to give you my best Christmas wishes. Now I think I've something else to say to you, I really hope it eases your thoughts, even if just a little.

It really is no good telling you that it was not your fault, such words even though accurate simply slide off. Blaming oneself in those circumstances is something most do, I don't know why, I guess sadly it is simply built into the nature of any decent human being.

Words do not stop this. Life and good experiences in the future are what's needed.

What you might be able to think on is that nothing is black and white. It is true this person harmed you greatly, but really it is only natural you have mixed feelings over him, and you would not be the only person in that situation to feel the same.

At the time you thought him a friend and trusted him, a very precious gift, and really should not regret having done so. Despite being betrayed and injured in the worst way I hope you will be able to give somebody more deserving that gift at some time in the future.

You have my respect, I hope we continue to talk together

Croix