It hurts.

[Centaured]

Ive blamed myself for my trauma my whole life. I'm starting to realise I'm right and that hurts. Not only was it my my fault but my actions following it led me down a dark path and I don't know how its ever going to change.

So yeh background on the first paragraph. my behavioural support practitioner saw me today and has told me we are going to start doing therapy together and wanted me to write some things down on what we need to address. I was randomly writing stuff about believing some stuff was my fault and some stuff that has happened. The I started crying. Now I'm wanting to self harm because the thing that was fault led to my first self harm and then everything has just escalated the last 10 years since then.

How do you rectify PTSD with knowing you caused in the first place. Let alone trying to manage DID and bipolar amongst it all. I'm tired. I wish that first suicide attempt had just worked, even after these years.

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

I guess when I remember back there were places where things happened I'd sooner forget. I've no idea if they were similar to what happened to you. Probably not, does not matter really

Those places had two things at once for me, one side of me simply wanted to get as far away as possible, ignore them like they never were.

Even so thay had a sort of magnetic attraction. I don't know why. Revisiting the past was not common sense, or even wise. I knew if I did it would bring the past into sharper focus. Price of overconfidence maybe.

I've no idea why you are in Tassie. I hope it is because you have friends there and some good memories - would that be the case?

If so visit the friends, stay away from that room or house, and relive good times.

But if you came back becuse it drew you to it, I guess if I was you I'd put a little distance between me and the past. When I did go back, which was only a couple of times, my symptoms ramped up a lot.

Does any of this ring a bell?

Have you anyone friendly to talk about all this with?

Croix

[Centaured]

Croix idk what to say, how to explain anything in our/my head.

My core unit can't deal with it they've receded, I can't I want to go too but then some of the bad ones will take over be that wont end well for anyone.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured,

We really appreciate you sharing more about your situation with us. It sounds as though staying at your ex-partner's house has been very distressing for you. We have sent a private message to get in touch with you and check in on your well-being. We hope to hear back from you soon. 

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

You sound very stressed and finding things very hard to deal with. I've been there and staying in that statemakes matters even harder.

So can you take a short break and tell me about your avatar, why you chose it and if there is background story?

I'd like to know and you might find it good to talk about

Croix

[Centaured]

My avatar is a centaur in war paint about to go to battle. He is strong and can fight anything coming his way. He at least, won't give up..

The background is it's by one of my favourite MTG artists and I'm pretty sure the artwork is from a card but I can't remember. MTG is one of my hobbies and my first deck was centaurs and that developed my intrigue into the creatures.

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

It's by Ryan Barger, though I think prefer his duo in Pheres-Band Raiders -the solidarity of an ally comes though, and I think you are right about them being cards and about not giving up

Croix

[Croix]

Dear Dear Centaured~

I'm just popping in to see how you are going, things may be very hard but you are not alone.

I never played/swapped MTG, D&D was my game, though to be honest it was more of a social occasion with jokes and stories, an a lot less of rolling the dice.

Croix

[Centaured]

I ended up in hospital yesterday (Thursday morning). After talking with mental health team I felt a bit better. It was agreed I couldn't go back to my old house except to collect my luggage and say goodbye to my ex. I'm now staying at another friends (which is also a trigger but much less of one.

I finally got some sleep last night.

I went to my old MTG group tonight. It was good fun but I did terribly tbh. Was good to see some of the people I used to hang out with.

I never got into DnD Croix, I didn't have friends growing up to play it with. Then I was introduced to magic and just imposed my presence on the local store until they became used to me O_o

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

Do you feel OK about the move? Looking at it from the outside it seems pretty sensible, but that is only from the outside.

I'm glad you got some sleep, makes a world of diffidence (to me anyway). I'm also glad you caught up with your old MTG group and hung out with some friends, which I guess might have been the point, who cares if you did badly or not - did you lose any cards?

D&D was an excuse for the four of us to get together, sure it had a theme but we never stuck close and could spend an entire evening making up jokes and stories. The DM was as relaxed as they come (just as well, we all used to cheat:)

Hope you're going OK

Croix

[Centaured]

Glad you had a chill DM Croix, can make for more exciting adventures.

I'm so drained. I just want to go home to WA.