It hurts.

[Centaured]

Ive blamed myself for my trauma my whole life. I'm starting to realise I'm right and that hurts. Not only was it my my fault but my actions following it led me down a dark path and I don't know how its ever going to change.

So yeh background on the first paragraph. my behavioural support practitioner saw me today and has told me we are going to start doing therapy together and wanted me to write some things down on what we need to address. I was randomly writing stuff about believing some stuff was my fault and some stuff that has happened. The I started crying. Now I'm wanting to self harm because the thing that was fault led to my first self harm and then everything has just escalated the last 10 years since then.

How do you rectify PTSD with knowing you caused in the first place. Let alone trying to manage DID and bipolar amongst it all. I'm tired. I wish that first suicide attempt had just worked, even after these years.

[Centaured]

I'm back in hospital again. I'm scared I won't make it to my holiday.

Everyone is pushing us to find a psychologist or do therapy with my NDIS BSP. There is stuff we aren't ready to look at. I don't even feel safe in my home so how do I feel safe with a random therapist again. And how do we look at the parts of me we locked away for reasons. And how do we face a past we keep trying to run from.

I'm scared. We're scared.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured,

Thanks for sharing here.

We're sorry to hear how you're feeling, we can imagine how hard it would be to open up to a new therapist. We are glad though that you've shown so much strength in opening up here, we really admire that, and we hope you can see how much strength that shows, too. 

We hope that posting here and receiving support from our members brings you some comfort. We're here for you. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

Hospitals vary a lot, what is yours like? My expereice in public wards has been it has not been that pleasant but I've ended up better for it.

While I've talked to people who have undergone EMDR (with some success) I've no knowledge of BSP.

I do know one thing that brings me comfort with any type of therapy, I mentioned it before. If I remember I am in charge and can influence the pace of what happens then I feel better, less overwhelmed and less frightened things will be brought up faster than I can deal with them (and sometimes that takes me a very long time.)

I agree things can be locked away because we can't cope with them now, that does not mean that with the correct assistance in time they will always be as bad, quite the reverse. I can think of things now (true not quite everything) without getting upset or reacting violently. Things I could never face before.

I hope things sort out quickly enough to go on your holiday, please let us know how you go.

Croix

[Centaured]

Croix

The hospital here is ok. It's an mh emergency department. (Set up for my but a sublet of the emergency department)

I'm waiting to find out what will happen, if I'll be discharged tomorrow coz of the 72hr limit or something else.

Though I haven't even seen a psych since coming in. Today I feel worse.

[Centaured]

Update: saw the psychiatrist and he we nice. Change to my sleep meds so hopefully I start to sleep again.

I am looking forward to pride parade and party tomorrow.

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

I'm very glad the psych was good, one less worry for you I hope. I've found medical assistance essential, though I admit a couple were not heedful (to say the least). Apart from those two I've found them all be what I needed and they LISTENED to me.

So I have me fingers Xed the new tablets do their bit and you can look forward to a bit of sleep rather than the prospect of long night full of thoughts dragging along.

Do you reckon you will go along to the parade or watch it on TV? Might be nice to get out, with all the music and fancy dress it sounds great!

Croix

[Centaured]

The meds they trialed didn't work so they put me back on my old ones.

Pride was good but now I'm in so much pain I want to die.

My holiday to Tasmania is only a week away...eh.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured,

Thank you for updating us.

We’re sorry to hear about the pain you’re in. That sounds incredibly hard. Are you able to check in with your GP about this?

We have reached out to you privately, but if you’d like to check-in with the counsellors here at Beyond Blue directly, we’d welcome that whether on the phone (1300 22 4636) or via webchat.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

That's a real downer over your meds, do they have any alternatives that can be trialed? I know I went trough an awful lot to find hte right ones (which I did eventually)

I'm glad you saw Pride, and hope you enjoyed it, it's something I'd like to see, but travel makes it difficult

Talking of travel, are you still going to try to go to Tassie? Did you have a particular part with people in mind?

Croix

[Centaured]

Croix in regards to meds there isn't a lot I can try, I don't sleep and need something sustainable and non addictive which mainly leaves certain antipsychotics. but I get serious reactions to most antipsychotics and they stop working after a while which is the problem with my current one.

I'm also still been in the process of sorting out my other meds since my diagnosis of bipolar a few months ago.

I haven't been able to see my psychiatrist for a while though since I've been in and out of hospital for suicide so much again lately.

I'm hoping this trip will break that cycle of suicidality, self harm and hospitalisations. I fly out tomorrow yay.