It hurts.

[Centaured]

Ive blamed myself for my trauma my whole life. I'm starting to realise I'm right and that hurts. Not only was it my my fault but my actions following it led me down a dark path and I don't know how its ever going to change.

So yeh background on the first paragraph. my behavioural support practitioner saw me today and has told me we are going to start doing therapy together and wanted me to write some things down on what we need to address. I was randomly writing stuff about believing some stuff was my fault and some stuff that has happened. The I started crying. Now I'm wanting to self harm because the thing that was fault led to my first self harm and then everything has just escalated the last 10 years since then.

How do you rectify PTSD with knowing you caused in the first place. Let alone trying to manage DID and bipolar amongst it all. I'm tired. I wish that first suicide attempt had just worked, even after these years.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Centaured,

Thank you for sharing such a brave and open post here. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot, and we can imagine how incredibly hard that would be to deal with, but we’re glad you were able to open up to this community.

We have reached out to you privately about this, but wanted to let you know that we’re here, and you can talk to the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors about this at any time you think it would be helpful on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email here (11am-12am AEDT).

You can also talk to Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9-5 (AEDT). Their counsellors are very experienced in working with people who have experienced complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. 

Another useful thing to look at might be this amazing thread, Instead of harming myself I now... , where some community members have shared their insights and experiences of dealing with urges to self-harm.

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. It might take some time for our kind community to spot your post, but we’re sure they will soon be here to offer their support and understanding.  

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

Blaming yourself for being the cause of your ills may not be as fair as you think right now. I too blamed myself for something I did that helped cause my PTSD, depression and anxiety conditions. This was a most destructive belief, wiht feelings I was not worthy of a cure, that the ill was built into me, I was incapable and a whole host of other negative thoughts.

Now I look back and realise I was thinking in black and white only - which was a symptom of my condition. Now I can see that true, I played a part, but so did others and the major factor was in fact circumstances.

I would not expect my words to make much difference at the moment but maybe later on.

While I remember, and my apologies if this has been suggested to you before or you have already tried them, the Butterfly Foundation on 1800 33 4673 from 8am to 9pm AEST may be of some help with eating disorders if you are still having difficulties in that area.

I know exactly what you are dealing wiht in relation to your local Tasmanian ED, and to the scarcity of medical professionals in your area, and there affordability too. I guess that you have already looked at all available options and wish there was some alternative I can offer for treatment.

I do know SANE has a blog on DID you might find interesting - not that everyone wiht DID expresses it in the same way

https://www.sane.org/information-stories/the-sane-blog/my-story/my-life-with-dissociative-identity-d...

They do have other resources there too. Again my apologies if you have already visited their site.

Now, having got all of htat out the way I was wondering about your creativity. I find on occasions writing helps, not of grim experiences lived though, but creations that please oneself. Your painting, art and music may be an effective way to put on one side the life you lead for a little while and give you a measure of freedom

What do you think?

Croix

[Centaured]

Hey Croix

I'm glad you remembered me. It's been a long time since ive been here.

I no longer suffer with an eating disorder (yay!) It took a while but that's one thing I've actually achieved.

I also no longer live in Tasmania. I moved to the other side of the country to Perth. It has been a rocky start but there has been a lot of positives to moving here.

WA teams got me on the NDIS, I finally got into stable housing, I got a pshysio, an ot, a behavioural support worker, I'm now case managed with local mental health.

I received a bipolar diagnosis and repeal of eupd/bpd. (Though that depends on who you talk with). My DID is finally recognised as well as C-PTSD.

So yeh a lot has changed in the last 6 months to a year. Considering this time last year I was on the streets in tassie.

I guess with good things finally happening they want me to face some of my trauma. But I Idon't know if I'm ready.

I Saw my case manager today and I just wanted to cry. I cant deal with today any longer so I'm currently curled up in a ball on the floor of my walk in robe. Idk.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured! Welcome back to the forums. It's really great to hear from you and to read what you've been up to for the past few months.

It sounds like you have a lot of support over in Perth and that's fantastic to hear. What's been your favourite part about moving so far?

We're sorry to hear you feel overwhelmed at the moment. Please remember how far you've come. If you need some extra support tonight, please don't hesitate to call our Support Service. The Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

We hope to hear more from you!

 

[Centaured]

I keep listening to this one song over and over again....

"I feel my heart break apart
Bursting into pieces under all the secrets
When shadows fall and darkness calls
Save me from myself and alleviate the pain"

This chorus is like ouch....

I have so many secrets I'm not ready to share, so much hidden in the shadows, but it's starting to break out and I'm terrified. My heart is breaking apart and I want someone ot alleviate to my pain. I want someone to see me and see my pain and help me out of it.

[geoff]

Hello Centaured, struggling with situations that are now happening can be the reason why we feel this way or perhaps from a previous event/s, I can only say how sorry I feel for you, but once one problem has happened, which might not have been because of yourself but drawn into this situation are debilitating, but what we do is push the majority of these problems 'into hiding', that is we keep them a secret, but one of these may be the key to unlocking all of this.

There is no embarrassment in how you feel, most of us have been in a similar situation, so please have no fear as it's only now we realise this should have been discussed much earlier.

Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

Wow! Your circumstances have certainly changed, and it sounds for the better. Better too with the new diagnosis, at least you have somewhere to aim now rather than just being carried along by symptoms and feelings you could not account for.

Overcoming that eating disorder is a pretty momentous thing, you must have a reserve inside you to do that.

It is all very well for a therapist to say, OK your life is better now, it's time to get started on the therapy.

It does not always work that way. I had a psych tried that on me when things were too fresh, it only made me worse, and I simply avoided everything, felt guilty over that , and at the same time relived all the unpleasantness that caused the problems.

Since then I had a fresh start wiht another, and ever since then have been the one to initiate conversations over painful matters - and that has worked a lot better. No more anticipation (which can be worse than the event) for a start.

I recognized it was something that had to be done, not avoiding it, but at the same time not being injured by it.

Please tray to yourself

"Don't let me, don't let me down"

Look, it may not mean you don't still curl-up in a place of safety before or after, however the big difference is you will have initiated it, it is you in control, it will be on your terms.

I hope that makes some sort of sense?

Croix

[Centaured]

Thanks Croix and Geoff.

I'm going back to Tassie for a week in December, idk if I'm ready to face some of that things back there, but I need a break and a holiday.

[Croix]

Dear Centaured~

It sounds an excellent idea to take a break and see Tassie again.

May I suggest you have a fall-back plan should you require assistance while away from your new home. Sometimes old places can bring forth undesirable effects.

Sorry to sound a bit cautious, I hope you have a great time.

Croix