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Sophie_M If you need to talk about Bondi Beach - Our community is here
  • replies: 6

Hi everyone, After the heartbreaking events at Bondi Beach on Sunday night, we know many people in our community may be feeling shaken, distressed, or unsure how to make sense of what has happened. Religious and political violence has no place is Aus... View more

Hi everyone, After the heartbreaking events at Bondi Beach on Sunday night, we know many people in our community may be feeling shaken, distressed, or unsure how to make sense of what has happened. Religious and political violence has no place is Australia and we extend our heartfelt condolences to the individuals and families affected by this tragedy. We wanted to create a space where you can share whatever you’re feeling - whether that’s fear, shock, grief, or anything else that has come up for you. If you need support from others in the community, please feel welcome to post here. Violence and acts of terror can bring feelings of shock, grief, profound sadness, anger and fear. It’s normal to experience these emotions while trying to make sense of distressing events. It may take time for these feelings to ease, but it’s never too early to seek support if you are feeling distressed. Beyond Blue is here for you anytime, by phone on 1300 224 636 or via webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor You can also support those around you by being available to them and listening. Thank you for being such an important part of this community, and for the kindness, honesty, and wisdom you continue to share with each other. We remind the community that Beyond Blue is here for all people in Australia, no matter what you believe, how you live or who you worship. Kind regards Sophie M

A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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white knight The trauma and remedy of insulting remarks
  • replies: 7

As a child I had no better father. My mother also however due to what I believe is undiagnosed BPD or NPD later on she became toxic so I had to remove her from my life. Back to dad. He was such a good caring and considerate man that those around him ... View more

As a child I had no better father. My mother also however due to what I believe is undiagnosed BPD or NPD later on she became toxic so I had to remove her from my life. Back to dad. He was such a good caring and considerate man that those around him in our community held him in great regard. He was even asked to be a justice of the peace, a role he turned down. So, with my then undiagnosed bipolar, dysthymia, anxiety and depression I joined the Air Force at 17yo and went off the rails. Even though further careers included prison officer and PI I had a personal life that was chequered to say the least plus relationship issues. I reflected this morning what comments were made by others in my past that made the most negative impact. "You'll never be a shadow of your father" carries the deepest scar, a scar made by- yes, my mother. "when are you going to act more like your father"..."your father never got drunk"...and "your father would roll over in his grave if he knew how you are treating your mother". Some comments made by my mothers friends that had ear full after ear full from her to the extent they just had to defend her. So 11 years ago, my sister and I tossed our mother out of our lives. Today we still bare the mental scars of her treachery. However, we both must have been very strong to carry out that action and stronger still to not ever regret our decision. How? Well we were provided with the ability to judge good and bad by our father and that ability to judge came to roost when we knew in our hearts that such deplorable comments were designed to cause great harm and that was - wrong! For several decades she got away with such comments because she was powerful, manipulating and wore the mask of a matriarch. At some point my sister and I knew we would never stop her havoc and we also knew that by severing ties we would lose family members also which happened. The philosophy of standing your ground when in your mind you know wrong has been thrown at you is a difficult one to accomplish. If you find yourself emotionally trapped and you do not have the inner strength to defend yourself and to implement measures to protect yourself in your future going forward, then you might well need professional assistance to do that. Far better to place shields and distance in front of an enemy that to accept the wrath of their onslaught alone. You only have one life and its too short to waste a moment on one more insulting remark. Your thoughts? TonyWK

Feelbeyondlost When is beyond lost?
  • replies: 3

Well here I am about to turn 28. 3 kids a beautiful partner for the better part am now facing a court date that could send me to jail with charges that I shouldn’t be charged with I have ligament & nerve damage in my wrist from nsw police and now als... View more

Well here I am about to turn 28. 3 kids a beautiful partner for the better part am now facing a court date that could send me to jail with charges that I shouldn’t be charged with I have ligament & nerve damage in my wrist from nsw police and now also multiple past suicide attempts I want to know when is enough I remember a loving kid who cared even after the 9 years of abuse me and my mother faced, and my dad took me away to live with his partner while he tricked around aus, and was abusive when he was home I got out when I could come down to be with my maternal relatives and that’s when it started going down hill I disclosed what my uncle had done tore the family got called a liar got threatened my mums mum and 2 brothers believed me as well as mum then I hit drugs for many years got clean when I had my daughter with the mother that had cheated on me from the first 3 weeks and for the whole 3 year relationship I pretty much solely raised my daughter for the first almost 2 years then once I finally had enough of her taking off for weeks on end and broke it off and agreed half custody each she up and ran left me with debt the whole lot hit the drugs for another year solidly got my self in a whole lot of trouble then I got clean again but for me cause I knew I would end up dead or in jail ironic right with my past suicide attempts but I did 2015 here we are 2021 after fighting for 5 years in family law court I won sole parental custody after the abuse my daughter experienced I now find myself back in family law court which the mum is taking me back to court because of my recent suicide attempt even though my partner took the kids out way before that we know my mental health was slipping I want to know how we as a society have become so contempt in a chaotic slippery slope I’m tired I’m lost I’m starting to think I’ll never be found is there a point of no return or is there a turning point because at the moment the lines are very blurred and my question is am I beyond lost ?

MummaF Im losing the love of my life..
  • replies: 12

I have made many mistakes over the past 12 months the biggest one being I did the worst thing possible in a relationship - being unfaithful. Something I will never forgive myself for. I have had to hold on to the guilt and the decision I made not to ... View more

I have made many mistakes over the past 12 months the biggest one being I did the worst thing possible in a relationship - being unfaithful. Something I will never forgive myself for. I have had to hold on to the guilt and the decision I made not to come forward and now I'm paying the consequences. There has been 2 occasions and one I hoped I never had to relive. January this year I was taken advantage of by someone that I classed as a mate and although I'm his eyes I may have given him the wrong impression he forced himself on me and I had no control. Gut wrenching! I never did anything about it as I was so scared and while I have had break downs over it I just wanted to forget. I dealt with this mostly in silence. Second time I made the wrong decision (my head cloudy with lots of alcohol and drugs) and I made a completely life changing decision and not in a good way. We were friends and agreed it wasn't to happen again. I have been holding onto this for nearly 6 months and I poured my heart out to my closest friends. But now it's come out and my partner has been told of my mistakes. I have hurt him so bad, he is so angry at me - swearing at me, saying I basically asked to be taken advantage of, telling me he hopes my girls never turn out like me etc. Iv lost him, and I have lost myself. I'm trying to fight for him and I'm making changes to prove I can be that girl again he loved so much. My partying ways distroyed our relationship but he was hanging on but now he can't anymore. He deserves to be angry and I deserve to cop what ever comes my way - I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water for my two beautiful girls and each day is a battle. How did I become this person and why have I hurt the one person that I truly love. And now I'm losing him.. I'm nothing without him by my side. I would give anything to try and make this work I really would

Kells94 Coping with PTSD after open heart surgery at 23
  • replies: 7

Almost 2 years ago I had open heart surgery to replace my aortic valve with a cows valve. I was 23 at the time. I was born with a bad valve and had surgery at 5 days old to repair it but I can’t remember that one obviously. I always knew I would need... View more

Almost 2 years ago I had open heart surgery to replace my aortic valve with a cows valve. I was 23 at the time. I was born with a bad valve and had surgery at 5 days old to repair it but I can’t remember that one obviously. I always knew I would need the valve replaced when I was older but it didn’t make it any easier. When I went in for surgery something went wrong and I nearly died, they tried to get my heart started again 2 times and then eventually got it going with a balloon pump. Later down the track I found out that they almost put me on an artificial heart machine which means a heart transplant. after the surgery I was put in an induced coma for 24 hours and then recovery began. I have never been in so much pain, my chest had been sawed open and my ribs broken. Everyone around me in the ICU was 70 or older and looked to be dying. I have always suffered with anxiety from a father with anger issues and being bullied at school and other heart problems but in ICU at one stage I felt so strongly that I couldn’t breathe that I almost considered trying to walk out of the hospital just to make them see how panicked I was. Come say 5 I started to get some relief but then for a month at home I slept sitting up and was in 10/10 pain all the time. eventually my body healed and I think everyone was really surprised at how quickly I was out and about. I then fell into really self destructive behaviour. My boyfriend at the time had cheated on me about a week before surgery so I didn’t really care about my actions at the time and would drink and party I guess without knowing suppressing my feelings. my sister is also an ice addict and went back to it while I was in hospital and then verbally abused me and left the week I got out and didn’t come back for 8 months (at the time I felt like she would never come back and would OD so was processing that too) about 4 months after the surgery I would have break downs and visions of being in ICU and also my sister leaving and would just cry alone and think how could anyone understand. Later down the track I discovered it was ptsd and went to see someone which really helped about 4 months ago I found out I will need open heart surgery again in June this year because the valve isn’t working right. I’m so scared I won’t be so lucky this time. It’s on my mind all the time especially before I sleep. Has anyone experienced this? Also does anyone have a way to try and drown out the thoughts before bed?

TornApart 12 years and 2 kids depressed
  • replies: 2

Hi. I’m 34 f he is 31 m.12 years, not married, 2 kids 11 and 5. I’m unhappy and out of love/depressed/hopeless. He is trying to say it will change and he will not let me go. Throughout this 12 years there has been a lot of pain and stressful times. I... View more

Hi. I’m 34 f he is 31 m.12 years, not married, 2 kids 11 and 5. I’m unhappy and out of love/depressed/hopeless. He is trying to say it will change and he will not let me go. Throughout this 12 years there has been a lot of pain and stressful times. I was 22 when I was pregnant he was 19 then turned 20. I have always been sorry for things in our rs and felt as though I have destroyed what could’ve always been for him. He said that also being so young he has lost a lot over the years. I wanted to get married straight away. He was against marriage as his father is a pastor and his mum and dad seperate all the time!! We’ve practically counselled their rs through about 10 years of ups and downs. I have been through domestic violence through shouting, financial abuse, no friends, grabbing, emotional abuse and no mental support. Then the ptsd is there as he flips and goes really well for a while but we end up back in the same spot. There has been various times I have said I’m going to leave and he convinces me otherwise or shuts me down and says no your not leaving. This has now broken me.I have had a few mental depression episodes and feel like I have completely given up. I have seen our children get in between our arguments, our children scared, our daughters anger and sadness has completely taken over her too. But if I leave, I’m hurting my children and breaking up my family. 3 weeks ago I decided that was it and applied for a house through a friend and actually got it! I felt relieved and that fate had finally appeared for me. That I can finally feel free and try be myself and not depressed. I told him and now he has absolutely love bombed me with flowers, crying, promises of change and that he loves me like no other. I have been through this so many times. He says it’s different this time but it’s so hard to believe. He gets explosive anger because my reasonings aren’t enough and I’m just giving up on our rs and our children. While I think this is the best thing for everyone he is so so stuck on that it’s not the best. He has also said because of my mental illness that I am not going to make it on my own, that the children will be worse off. How do I leave when I don’t get my keys until 4 weeks!!?? How do you tell someone over and over that it’s not working but they’re ignoring you. Not listening. Demeaning your choices. How am I supposed to keep my children? How do you leave someone who just says no.

TheCustomer Dealing with motorcycle accident
  • replies: 3

After a lovely morning with my kids on Father’s Day this year my children went back to their mothers and I decided it was a beautiful day for a ride so I geared up and off I went. After about an hour of riding I found myself on a nice isolated stretc... View more

After a lovely morning with my kids on Father’s Day this year my children went back to their mothers and I decided it was a beautiful day for a ride so I geared up and off I went. After about an hour of riding I found myself on a nice isolated stretch of windy road when my rear breaks failed and I was forced to make a decision of extremes, lay my bike down and crash on the road or continue off the road and into a bushy ravine off the side of the road I chose to lay my bike down and crash. after sliding along the road for a short while myself and the bike came to a halt it was at this stage I became aware I’d caused myself some major damage destroying my knee and breaking my shoulder, however it quickly became apparent that I was still In a dangerous predicament laying in the middle of the road on a blind corner. Running purely on adrenaline, panic and fear I managed to drag myself to the edge of the road and after laying there crying for a minute or 2 I found my phone and called 000, it was 15-20 terrifying and hopelessly lonely minutes before a passer by found me and helped the ambulance locate me but not before another 15-20 minutes had passed. now since the accident physically I have been repaired and my body is slowly on the mend with patience, hard work and a lot of physio I should get back to almost 100%. however mentally and emotionally I have been struggling when talking to acquaintances I give the broad strokes and try not to go into to much detail to avoid bringing up the emotions that i’m struggling with so much, I have tried talking about it with those close to me reflecting on the fear and the hopelessness I faced as I laid there on the side of the road crying out for help knowing nobody could hear me. But it hasn’t helped and I’m regularly brought to tears when I randomly think about it or something jolts it back into my mind and I just don’t know what to do or who to seek help from as I’ve never dealt with something like this before. any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

gucia6 Difficulty pin-pointing a trigger
  • replies: 2

Hi Haven't been here for a while. Generally I am doing OK. Healing. I started the journey about a year ago thinking my issues were just due a 'simple' social anxiety. But with digging around, reading, talking to psychologist, then psychiatrist, I got... View more

Hi Haven't been here for a while. Generally I am doing OK. Healing. I started the journey about a year ago thinking my issues were just due a 'simple' social anxiety. But with digging around, reading, talking to psychologist, then psychiatrist, I got diagnosed with PTSD (and CPTSD) and referenced to clinical psychologist for therapy - some things I didn't realise affected me so much, some things I thought I forgot but now sometimes they pop up in my head out of the blue. And it appears there was much more, complex and harmful stuff. But generally now I am able to recognize some of my triggers. Sometimes it is immediate realisation, that I fell in the whirlpool of flashback. Sometimes it takes couple of days. In many cases I understand where they come from, sometimes I know exactly what was the event back then. I know what caused me often feeling betrayed and distrustful, or why I fear rejection, or why dissociating panic kicks in at slightest sign of being physically overpowered. And in most cases I know my reaction is disproportionate to what is really happening, and making sure consciously that I am actually safe, and knowing that this and that happened in the past helps me a lot to 'return' to present. Sometimes it just this 'Yup, it was trigger, I'm in flashback' is enough. Sometimes it takes couple of days to normalise. But the only thing that 'haunts' me is overbearing fear of loss. I know people come and go. Everyone has a choice after all. But anything that relates to someone's death, e.g. parent losing a child, or child losing parent, loss of loved ones due to accident, disaster, war, act of terrorism. It triggers physical pain, I feel disconnecting (lightheaded), helpless and hopeless, and want to completely avoid the thought. I have similar reaction when it comes to women discrimination. But here I know where it comes from, and I am actively working on my own empowerment. But about the loss, I am unable to grasp it. I can't remember experiencing anything that made me feel this way, though I have reacted always like this way since I was a kid. Somehow not being able to pin-point it to a specific event feels like a barrier in healing, because it typically moves an avalanche of unwelcomed thoughts and memories, and pretty much triggers a whole spectrum of pain, shame, guilt, anger and resentment. Sorry for a bit of a rant. I just needed to get it out of my chest. G.

Judy H Partner won’t get help
  • replies: 3

Hi I’m new here & don’t know what to do. I’m really worried about my partner of 10 years. (He’s 60 years old). He has always had extreme lows, where he becomes very quiet & this can last for days. He tells me that nothing is wrong, and that he’s just... View more

Hi I’m new here & don’t know what to do. I’m really worried about my partner of 10 years. (He’s 60 years old). He has always had extreme lows, where he becomes very quiet & this can last for days. He tells me that nothing is wrong, and that he’s just “being quiet”. During those frequent “quiet” episodes, he would not engage in even general conversation& this was confusing for me. However, out of the blue last week, he is being extremely verbally abusive towards me ~ his behaviour is totally uncharacteristic. His voice changes and his eyes glaze over. He is saying some very nasty things and making things up. Believes I have hacked into his accounts, I’m having an affair & stealing his belongings. He has gone from a quiet, loving, gentle & kind person to this absolute monster. He’s saying things he wouldn’t ever dream of. I can only marry up the timing with a visit with his mother, who is currently very ill , dysfunctional family & never really grieving over the death of his father, 4 years ago. im beside myself with worry - he won’t talk to me unless he’s abusing me, so I am now keeping out of his way, which is torture in my own home. He tells me I’m the reason he is how he is. I’ve tiptoed around the suggestion for him to go & talk to someone, but I’m told that I’m the crazy one. im so sad - it feels like I’ve lost my partner! He really is unwell & im scared that he won’t get help and I’ll lose him forever.

MBL Is closure necessary?
  • replies: 4

A few years ago a friend of mine raped me. There was a lot of alcohol and drugs involved, and shorty after the incident he went to rehab for several months. I broke ties with him, his friend and family who I was really close to. He contacted me when ... View more

A few years ago a friend of mine raped me. There was a lot of alcohol and drugs involved, and shorty after the incident he went to rehab for several months. I broke ties with him, his friend and family who I was really close to. He contacted me when he got back from rehab as if nothing had happened. I had been going through so much trauma, and still am amongst many other mental health difficulties and wonder if he really knows what happened? There is a fine line between consent, it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that it was rape. How can he think pushing himself on me when I was throwing up, crying and saying no over and over... I told him I just wanted to go home. His family is extremely wealthy and well known in our community, perhaps a part of me wanted to protect him and them... I dont know why, because years later I still hold so much pain with me and have flash backs weekly. It feels unfair! So my question is, should I reach out to him? his family? Is it even worth it... He ignores me on facebook when I have tried in the past... I just dont know how to let this go and move on.

ajm2570 incapable of moving on?
  • replies: 5

Hi all, Not quite sure what I’m hoping to achieve by posting here. Recently I’ve found that I have been constantly thinking about past traumas. I thought I was beginning to move on with my life and become happier, but lately every spare moment is spe... View more

Hi all, Not quite sure what I’m hoping to achieve by posting here. Recently I’ve found that I have been constantly thinking about past traumas. I thought I was beginning to move on with my life and become happier, but lately every spare moment is spent thinking about my past. I have had three bouts of therapy throughout my life to no real avail and I don’t particularly find it helpful. I’ve meditated, picked up hobbies, talked with family/friends, confronted some issues, tried to resolve others… yet nothing seems to help me heal. I’m unsure where to go from here. Will I ever be able to move on? Have I just not had a good therapist? Am I doomed to be miserable my entire life? Maybe hearing from others similar experiences would help. Has anyone else felt like they would never be able to move on? thanks