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PTSD and trauma

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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kellyd Changes in life and living with PTSD
  • replies: 7

Hi all, I'm new to the forums, I joined for lots of reasons but one is because I hope discussing my PTSD and sharing my experience might be helpful for myself and others. I've lived with PTSD for a decade or so now, as a result of an abusive relation... View more

Hi all, I'm new to the forums, I joined for lots of reasons but one is because I hope discussing my PTSD and sharing my experience might be helpful for myself and others. I've lived with PTSD for a decade or so now, as a result of an abusive relationship in my 20's. It took me years to seek help for the way I felt and only learned how connected my anxiety, panic attacks and other symptoms were to surviving that relationship after spending a lot of time working with a psychologist - something which changed my life for the better. In the past 4 or 5 months, I have quit my job working in quite a senior role in a corporate environment (something I worked pretty hard to get to) and have started studying with the aim of working in counselling and social work. Obviously this is a pretty big gear change and it's triggered some old feelings of questioning my self-worth and abilities. I guess I knew this was a possibility because I now know how my PTSD works, but I really wasn't expecting how much I've struggled to control my reactions to my known triggers lately. I'm doing all the things I've learned to do and I've been as open as possible with my partner on what's going on. She has been incredibly supportive and I feel safe and loved. But no matter what I do or what tools I pull out of the tool kit I've built up over the years, I am fairly consumed with these negative thoughts and the anxiety that comes along with being affected by my triggers. I'm not sure if I'm asking for help or seeking some empathy or both, but I do hope sharing my experience might start some conversations where I can be supported and supportive. I'd love to discuss how others experience their PTSD through life changes. Take care, Kelly

Skwish What I wouldn’t give..
  • replies: 1

Hi everybody, I’m in the calm before the storm. That moment where you can feel the tide pull away before the wave crashes forward. Things were going reasonably well. I’ve been free for nearly 18 months. I finally started sleeping in my bed instead of... View more

Hi everybody, I’m in the calm before the storm. That moment where you can feel the tide pull away before the wave crashes forward. Things were going reasonably well. I’ve been free for nearly 18 months. I finally started sleeping in my bed instead of in the lounge. My tablets seemed to be doing something. I’d stopped dissociating throughout the day and my flash backs were minimal-ish. I’m working, studying and raising a superstar daughter. I thought I’d crested that hill. Success of a sort. I went out to see a band for the first time in I don’t know how long and survived the crowds. I drank a bit to do it but I made it. Then I slept with a friend. I had three seperate panic attacks. I seemed to be ok after. Went on with life. But Its been 4 days and I can feel it. That swell before the crash. I’m not sleeping great but I’m diagnosed PTSD, insomnia, depression, anxiety so what’s new? But I can feel it. My mind slipping at the edges. Where I just want to disappear inside my self. What I wouldn’t give for the world to stop. Just pause for a day or two. So I can catch my breath. Readjust my armour. I’m aware of everything and nothing and I’m exhausted. I try running but I can never seem to run far enough lol So here I am writing to the internet. How is it I can survive 13 years of hell but some days it feels like I can’t survive the freedom without struggling for breath? I knew I was slamming down hard on some pretty big triggers, but I thought I needed to face life.. some sort of home made exposure therapy lol I thought it was progress but maybe it was just maladaptive behaviours sneaking through in disguise.. Ive got tools in my kit for when I’m experiencing my flash backs and panic attacks but I’ve not felt this build up so intensely before. I think the anticipation is worse. Maybe I finally cracked? The annoying thing is there’s no stopping. Life goes on. The world keeps spinning and all I can do is keep moving with it. But man... what I wouldn’t give for it to pause for just a moment.

Mike47 Broken - My father abused my daughter
  • replies: 8

2 years ago my adult daughter revealed she had been sexually abused by my father from 8 to 15. Our world fell apart. My poor daughter! My immediate and ongoing attention has been to ensure that she is ok. I am pleased to say she is doing well with th... View more

2 years ago my adult daughter revealed she had been sexually abused by my father from 8 to 15. Our world fell apart. My poor daughter! My immediate and ongoing attention has been to ensure that she is ok. I am pleased to say she is doing well with the love & support of family + trauma counselling. I feel broken - not just heartbroken, but completely broken. I was so angry, sad, guilty & grieving my daughter's trauma & the loss of a close relationship with my dad. One of the hardest conversations I ever had was to tell my Mum what had happened. I love my children dearly. They + my wife are my life. I have always tried to be the best Dad I could. But I had failed my daughter 7 had allowed the abuse to go on. It was my job to protect her - that I did not know is not the point. I failed her when she needed me & she was not able to let me know. On 4 Jan I contemplated ending my life. I will always remember that day with a sense of shame & despair. I was alone. I sat for more than an hour going through the way out. What stopped me was realising that it would have been the ultimate selfish act. I would have added that burden to the rest of the family & I could not do that. Checking in regularly with my daughter has helped as I see she is going well. But I feel like a coward as I struggle to discuss this properly with my wife and family. We get on with the day to day but we know there are other triggers coming that we are not prepared for. Now my daughter will soon have a baby of her own. Whilst this is a joyous milestone, I am again wracked with guilt & sadness. This baby will be welcomed into a loving family & will be our first Grandchild. But I can't help feeling sad that my Mum & Dad won't be able to see their first Great Grandchild. I wonder what emotions this will bring for my daughter and for my wife. I know this is always looming like a shadow cast over everything. We have a great relationship and I always check in to ensure that my daughter is doing well - which she is. I am so fortunate to have them and my other now adult children all close with my wife 7myself. We have a lot to be thankful for. I am so very lucky in many ways. But I remain broken. I remain sad - every day. I grieve what we thought we had. I am guilty for failing my family. I get through each day, week, month. But I constantly look to these milestones with dread & deep regret that the most wonderful moments are forever tainted by my failure to protect my daughter.

Rebuilding_a_shattered_li No confidence on how to rebuild after abuse, bullying, breakdown
  • replies: 8

Hi, this is a first for me and I guess I'm a bit nervous as i am not sure what to expect. My predominant career path has/was in mental health AOD and suicide prevention , however last year I left my abusive relationship with no support, family, frien... View more

Hi, this is a first for me and I guess I'm a bit nervous as i am not sure what to expect. My predominant career path has/was in mental health AOD and suicide prevention , however last year I left my abusive relationship with no support, family, friends or money, started a new job in a different field where I was bullied and harrassed until eventually I had to resign as it wasn't going to stop. Im unemployed, can't get an interview with anyone, feel useless and have reached hopelessness that I will ever rebuild myself let alone find or sustain employment and counselling is not helping as MH is my background so I find it frustrating. I am always angry or miserable and am so disheartened by the treatment I have received, maybe that's because of my background I don't know, I guess I don't know what to do to get back my life or how anyone does after abuse and job loss, I feel like a failure and have lost everything and I hate to say this but I wouldn't have left if I'd known what to expect. I have had a complete breakdown and am not sure how anyone rebuilds or recovers . I guess I'm not sure what more I can do

OnlyAway I need advice
  • replies: 5

Hello to whoever is reading this, I have been diagnosed with PTSD for a few months now. I was severely physically and verbally (usually telling me to end myself) bullied at age 13. I am 15 now, but I just can't get away from the flashbacks no matter ... View more

Hello to whoever is reading this, I have been diagnosed with PTSD for a few months now. I was severely physically and verbally (usually telling me to end myself) bullied at age 13. I am 15 now, but I just can't get away from the flashbacks no matter how hard I try. The girl who gave me so much pain is coincidentally everywhere I go, and I tend to have panic attacks of fear that she would hurt me again. I have briefly explained the surface of my trauma regarding this girl to my friends, but they still seem to talk to her, even though they know how much she hurt me. I feel so alone as I find it difficult to talk to anyone. Posting anonymously seems to be the only form of communication I feel comfortable with. Everyday is so stressful that I really don't see the point of continuing. Why should I wake up everyday just to feel the same pain I felt the day before? The thought of this girl makes me so sick and sad. The harsh things she said to me really stung, especially when she would tell me I was worthless and not good enough. Everything is just... so hard. Nobody is open to listen. I am also suffering with social anxiety, depression and anorexia. They aren't giving me any help about my trauma at all. I have really considered suicide, and even thinking of so now. But, I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this. Whenever I try and talk to my mother, her response is "just think happy thoughts", which obviously isn't very possible at the moment. And goodness, my father doesn't even realise what's going on. I have talked to my councillors, but I find it so difficult to talk about the bullying without feeling like I am about to throw up. My friends don't understand either, but I can't blame them for that. Please, I am in desperate need of advice. I want to stop feeling so hopeless. I wish I was happy again. I want to be away from this girl but life is so cruel and putting me and her together in every possible situation. I want to escape, but I feel so stuck. Thank you to whoever is reading this. I hope you are well during these covid-times.

Island11 Struggling with intimacy after leaving an unhealthy relationship
  • replies: 5

I left my partner in July last year, it’s painful to think about how bad things got but our settlement is finished and I have started to think about new relationships. I have started seeing someone but I can’t cope with the physical intimacy. When I ... View more

I left my partner in July last year, it’s painful to think about how bad things got but our settlement is finished and I have started to think about new relationships. I have started seeing someone but I can’t cope with the physical intimacy. When I go to his house and he opens the door for me, my entire body tenses up. I feel as though when I walk through that door, he is going to push me against the wall and be physical with me. I also can’t kiss this man because I am scared if i do things will progress further than I am ready and I won’t be able to stop it. He has initiated sexual contact a few times and I feel frozen in fear, unable to say no or stop the situation but he is able to read my body language and never pushes the issue. how do I move past this? I don’t want to be like this forever.

Chartres Newbie. Survivor of childhood sexual abuse
  • replies: 5

Hello people this is my 1st time doing this-online posts. I'm in my early 50s trying to survive trauma from child sexual abuse (CSA) by the father, which started pre-verbal years & continued till I left home abruptly at 16. There were also ocassions ... View more

Hello people this is my 1st time doing this-online posts. I'm in my early 50s trying to survive trauma from child sexual abuse (CSA) by the father, which started pre-verbal years & continued till I left home abruptly at 16. There were also ocassions where I was prostituted to other men (in the family home). The mother new about a few incidences, but did nothing. All my life she has been antagonistic & belittling toward me, has never been interested in wanting to understand me or how I'm coping. My early 30s was when the first wave of memories started surfacing. What an horrendous period. I won't go into it, needless to say ive been in & out of the Psych ward a few times. I thought I had recovered, then memories flared again in my 40s & again during the RC Inst.ChildAbuse & again when Grace Tame won Austr.of the year. A few days ago it all got overwhelming I didn't sleep, broke out in clammy sweat, stomach churning body constantly shaking all through the night. I called Lifeline (1st time ever) for advice/tips to cope & the lady said "you are the expert in your life" "I don't have the answers for you") and there were long uncomfortable pauses. I was shocked. I hung up. Now I'm too scared to call back in case I get her again. I decided to call Beyond Blue. The lady was kind & took the lead in the conversation which I needed. She gave me tips on how to distract whirling thoughts. On Friday I saw my GP & we started on a journey: get a Mental Health Plan; I've contacted the Sexual Assault Support Service (I'm on an 8 week waiting list for counsellor ). I've been there before in early 30s. But what I have decided people, is that this time I want to go all the way to where I can confront the perpetrator/s (& the mother but I doubt she'll be open to communication) & report to the police. CSA has really ruined my life, I've never been able to develop normal friendships or relationships with people, particularly men. I fear intimacy & as a result have been on my own. So I'm a loner. I'm over it, I'm sick & tired of being the one who has to pick up the broken pieces of my life & make something out of it, which is always deformed;sick that the perpetrators have normal healthy financially stable lives with their wives & families. I want to seek justice as far as I can (although I know the chances & the stats around that). It's going to be a long painful journey;no doubt costly in more ways than 1 but if I don't try then I haven't given myself the best chance!

Wildlings Am I going to be ok?
  • replies: 1

I have a life time of trauma and abuse.and at 52 yrs old only just now searching for help.raised I a radical Christian family I have a history of religious and spiritual abuse, a narcassist mother who seemed to dislike me and allowed my siblings to b... View more

I have a life time of trauma and abuse.and at 52 yrs old only just now searching for help.raised I a radical Christian family I have a history of religious and spiritual abuse, a narcassist mother who seemed to dislike me and allowed my siblings to beat me...sexually abuse on the church youth group and my sisters husband..who was also our cousin ..I had that wonderful gift a child has of simply forgetting..until.last year when a simple name triggered a wave of memories..I've struggled throughout my life with drug addiction ,crime,thr inability to find love and keep it..I sabotage everything good on my life.. I have a long line of abusive relationships..I have been alone now for 10 years..unfortunately my only attempt at lobe turned put the biggest mistake of my life.. he was an artist poet narcassist who tangled me up.so badly that he managed to have me charged becuse I'm human and I cracked...I've broken and repaired my life countless times I fought back and soon got cornered again and his actions are praised and mine get labelled as bad behaviour..I've been abit Manic,talking flat out because I keep getting shut down so i rush before anyone brushes me of as crazy...I have high pressure job which I will lose becUse of my charges..I live in a very small community and prove I have known all my life have turned away from me and support a convicted drug dealer and con man..he has love bombed the community and isolated me..I can't sleep I eat only when I'm hungry...I'm struggling with my work and maintaining friendships..I can't seem to get anyone to understand me or believe me...I've had an unbelievable life..I describe it as ,I've been around the world a 1000 and Ive never left my seat..but I have no will left to fight...and I've stopped talking about myself ou r a fear of no t being accepted or my story being too dark...I've had partners encourage me to open up only to be labelled emotionally weak...where do I start this healing..counselling is so expensive..5his is like a bad dream where running on air not getting anywhere ..

Toonice Advice on leaving emotionally/verbally abusive partner
  • replies: 3

Hi all I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years and we have a 7 year old daughter. I realised some time ago that he is verbally abusive. He does not respect me. We broke up a few years ago and then i stupidly took him back. He changed for a wh... View more

Hi all I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years and we have a 7 year old daughter. I realised some time ago that he is verbally abusive. He does not respect me. We broke up a few years ago and then i stupidly took him back. He changed for a while then things went downhill again. He lost work a year ago due to covid and I am now the only one working. I come home from work, cook dinner, clean and look after our daughter while he sits on his computer game. He will also often whinge about what i make for dinner. He gives me money for half the rent but i have to pay for everything else. He always puts me down and to him i can't do anything right. He is also teaching our daughter to disrespect me. He will call me a name and she will also say it to me. He told her to "give me hell." He has never hit me but has otherwise gotten physical with me. I feel like i cannot have my own opinions or stand up for myself. So I mostly stay silent and I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I tense up really bad when he comes near me or when I hear his car pull in. I do not love him anymore and I feel increasingly depressed in this relationship. We never do anything as a family anymore. I try not to be at home and my daughter and I will go out and do things on our own. I am repulsed by his touch and never want to be intimate with him. I feel like I emotionally checked out of this relationship a long time ago. I dont think he loves me anymore but he will not admit it. I always dream of a future without him where I can live in peace. I really want to break up with him but I feel so guilty. I am very worried about how my daughter will react. She really loves him and looks up to him (even though he barely pays her attention). I don't know what to do. I feel like I cannot stay living with him or I will get more depressed and I am worried about my daughters disrespect towards me getting worse. Last time we broke up he moved out to his parents house. He wouldnt be able to stay where we are on centrelink income. I just feel so much guilt and I am so scared. I dont know what to do. I am hoping people on here can give me advice or any stories of people in a similar situation. Thank you

romantic_thi3f Grounding technique: what are things that make you feel safe around your home?
  • replies: 1

Hi, I'm reading a book about trauma, and it has a technique I wanted to share with you and hopefully see what we can brainstorm together. So hopefully most of you are familiar with the 54321 technique, which is a grounding exercise: 5 things you can ... View more

Hi, I'm reading a book about trauma, and it has a technique I wanted to share with you and hopefully see what we can brainstorm together. So hopefully most of you are familiar with the 54321 technique, which is a grounding exercise: 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste. This is super handy for when you're out in public but this is an interesting one you can do from home. Find things you can see, hear, touch that connect you to the present. For example, look at a picture or poster on the wall, listen to music that you like, taste something pleasant from the kitchen, and so on. Consider making a list. The point is for you to concentrate on these objects that help you to realise that you are in the present and have available for when you need to ground and orient yourself to the present in your home. I decided to look around my house and some of the things I really like are my book collection, soft blankets, plants (fake and real) and hand cream. Is there anything you can think of that feels really grounding, calming or even just nice to look at around your house? rt