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How will I know I've changed?
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On Tuesday, I started realising that may not be all of it, and started digging further into my memories and my behaviours. On Wednesday, I came to realise it's been all through our marriage. I wanted her to conform to what I wanted her to be, and would try and steer her away from things she wanted if they didn't fit into my image of our life together.
Today is Saturday, and I realised during our separation I've also been very jealous, thinking a lot about where my wife is and wondering who she's spending time with.
My wife is safe now, but I'm really in peices, totally unsure of anything. That's a good thing, I need to be questioning everything about me if I'm ever going to change. I'm scared about one thing above everything else though:
I successfully fooled myself completely for the last 11 years. In my mind, I was a patient, caring, devoted husband, who went to extraordinary lengths for my wife as she worked through the pain of her own childhood trauma, something we had in common. My wife was my first kiss, first everything. She was, to me, the centre of my life, yet I deluded myself the entire time. I lied to myself fundamentally about who I was, and the very core of my behaviour and attitudes towards the most important person in my life.
Why couldn't I see it? How will I ever know if I've really changed, if I'm safe to be in a relationship again, if I can deceive myself so well? How will I know I'm not doing it again?
Any and all thoughts are appreciated.
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Hey DivideByZero,
Thank you for reaching out to the forums today, we understand that it can be really tough to be so open about what you’re going through. We can hear that you must be feeling a lot of pain and regret for your actions during your marriage, and we think that it is very important that you are able to reflect and understand the impact of your past behaviours. It’s also a really big and crucial step that you are reaching out for help and support through this, and please know that support is always available to you.
We would strongly urge you to reach out to the understanding counsellors at MensLine Australia- who offer free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can talk through these feelings and experiences with them anytime on 1300 78 99 78 or through their webchat at: https://mensline.org.au/ The friendly counsellors at 1800RESPECT are also available to you anytime on 1800 737 732 or through online chat: https://www.1800respect.org.au/ and can also help support you through the trauma that you have experienced in the past.
We’re really grateful that you decided to post here, and we hope that you reach out to these services who can help you through some of these important questions. Our non-judgemental community are also here to help offer support and advice through this difficult time.
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Right now I'm really just trying to get through the weekend. Monday feels a long way away right now.
Last night I dreamed I was in bed spooning with my wife, feeling safe and loved. Then my mind turned to reality and I woke up with a start, alone.
And as alone and terrible as I feel, I know it's nothing compared to what I've done to my wife. Nothing. And as bad as I feel, I have no sympathy for myself. I've done self loathing though, been there before in my teenage years. I know it doesn't help. I'm trying to be kind to myself, but it's hard. Really hard.
I don't feel like I even know who I am anymore.
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Dear DivideByZero~
Welcome here. I guess the most obvious thing is that you have already changed, the core inside of you knows you have not behaved properly to your wife, in fact badly, and now you now it. If you want to stay changed you will,
You did not before but were overbearing controlling and cruel.
Counseling will help -when you can get to it. It can teach you substitutes for the behaviors you had and respect for your wife for putting up with it all for so long.
From your posting I have the feeling that you still love her, maybe one question is if you have pushed too far and there is no chance of a reconciliation. Do you think this is something worth exploring?
If it was then I'd not suggest you talk in terms of resuming normal life, but simply, while separate discuss with her what would make her want to stay -a painful process but very necessary. Then do those things consistently and permanently. If she wants a freind (not a lawyer) present agree and put up with any remarks that friend makes, they may well be true.
To treat a partner as an equal (or maybe even stronger) is not something that always comes naturally. It was not until I was invalided with PTSD, depression and anxiety which made me impossible to live with that I learned how strong, sensible, capable and loving my wife was (any sensible peron would have simply left).
Please come back and say what you think
Croix
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Hello DivideByZero, this must have been a difficult thread to create and thank you for being so honest.
How we see ourselves in a marriage or a relationship maybe completely different to how our spouse/partner believes and we dismiss any suggestions they say to us, believing that there is nothing wrong in what we are doing, only until something sparks and awakens us, which can be caused in many ways, such as a divorce.
Changing certain aspects of your personality isn't easy and takes time, where you might be able to do this in a controlled situation, but in actual life it's easy to return to your usual self, so it takes a massive effort not to do what you used to do, especially when starting another relationship.
Your wife is safe, that's what you're concerned about, so there is love there, but may not be strong enough to avoid the divorce.
You will know when you've changed when you have recognised the behaviour that shouldn't of been happening and lost the person you had your first kiss with, now you need to learn how you can be a different person, be aware of any triggers that once caused this disruption.
This can be done but would be advisable to have constant counselling, because these trigger points can be very tempting.
Let us know how you are going.
Best wishes.
Geoff.
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I'm just afraid to seem like I'm trying to control things again. I would love my wife to stay, even just separated, but hold off on a divorce. I can see she's felt trapped though for years. I worry trying to hold on to her again would seem like I'm insincere in what I've been saying, that it's all a big manipulation to try and trick her into staying. I don't know if she feels like I want a divorce. I don't, but I feel like it's selfish to ask her to stay. I really just want her to know what I want, but not feel any pressure either way. I want her to do what she wants to do for herself. If she has a spark of love for me still, she probably wants to stay on some level, but she's spent time getting to this point and in her mind I think she knows leaving would probably be the healthier path.
I just don't trust myself right now to approach this situation with any degree of honesty. I worry I'm going to be subtly trying to control her again without even realising I'm doing it. I feel urgency to talk to her, but I'm trying not to just think about myself and rush into things.
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I know this isn't something I'll be "cured" of, I'll have to work on maintaining change for the rest of my life. That's a scary thought in a lot of ways, needing to be able to question myself, not really fully trust myself, ever again. I'm just going to have to learn to be OK with that.
I know where my behaviours stem from at least. I have a lot of fears and insecurities around sex, built on events from my childhood and teenage years. I worked on that a lot in the past, but not consistently during my marriage. I've been terrified of losing my wife, that she'll decide she wants to be with someone else, and instead of trying to work on those fears I've either used her to make myself feel better, or manipulated her to try and keep her.
I know I need to prioritise consistently working on this from now on, and my triggers from this that lead to my controlling, abusive behaviours. I'm committed to do this regardless of whether my wife chooses to stay or go through with a divorce.
My wife and I have four young children together, all with additional needs, so divorce for us can't really be no contact for a long time. I don't want her to just stay for the children, and I'm sad for her honestly that she'll be forced to have contact with me to some degree, whether it's what she'd choose for herself or not.
I hope I can change, and maintain that. Regardless of what happens with my marriage, I don't want to hurt my wife, or anyone else, ever again.
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This doesn't mean she's still willing to go on trying, but I think I might have been taking that choice away from her a bit. Maybe it was me trying to control her again, because in a way it would be easier to lose her than try and repair the damage I've done. I'm realising feeling the inevitability of the pain of losing her, as terrible as it is, isn't as terrifying as the thought of staying with her and trying to repair this mess, while being afraid of hurting her again in the future.
I reached out to my wife this morning, and made it clear that if she saw any path for us that doesn't involve divorce, I would do anything to walk that, but that I didn't want to pressure her in any way, and my work on myself is going to happen no matter what happens with us.
She doesn't have any answers for me right now, which I don't expect. It's hard dealing with the uncertainty with everything though. Right now I'm stuck in limbo waiting for things I can't control. Seeing how much I've needed to control things for so long, I'm finding that terrifying. That's just one more thing I need to learn to be comfortable with though.
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Dear DivideByZero~
In my case PTSD reinforced the need to control, be in command, be hyper aware of any thing that might be regarded as a threat. Also importantly not trusting other's judgments.
It led both of us to a different world afterwards as my symptoms lessened. I found I had someone who loved me who was as strong or stronger than me, often wiser and definitely more compassionate and resourceful.
The whole relationship has charged. Before I'd though it was up to me to fix everything, and to do that had to be in control of everything.
Now I find there is luxury in having someone that knows as much as me, has often better ideas, can be relied upon absolutely and is an equal in every way with as much say in our lives as myself, in fact she has more, I'm not always sure my way is the best and defer to hers.
You have no idea the feeling of relief that has come from not having everything on one's shoulders, but share. It makes for respect and also better decisions.
11 years with you sounds as if it has made her worthy of your great respect.
All this is inside you, and perhaps trying to communicate this to your wife, together with genuine love for the person she actually is, not the love of someone you tried to make a puppet, may help her see there is a way forward, with her always able to press the hold or stop buttons, it is her right.
If the pair of you can come to see an equal future held together by love -and having learned thoroughly from the past, than there may well be a chance. This decision, in which you can say you love, and that is not pressure but simple truth, means decisions in the rest of your lives will be easier.
That learning is needed by both, you not to control, her to feel she has an equal part, and not to allow any attempt to control, even if unintentional.
It can be unintentional, e.g. when first married I'd leave for work saying "give us a kiss". My wife took this as an order and objected. She has come from a controlling situation and was not going to let it happen again. I had no idea
Given sufficient motivation people can change. If this marriage does not come back together the things you have learned about treating others and the lack of need to be in command will stand you in good stead anyway
May I suggest remorse but with dignity, acknowledging all your faults but not just wallowing in your own feelings of guilt, pleading or justifying. Let her see someone with enough backbone to change yourself properly
Croix
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Hello DivideByZero, it's not easy for your wife to believe that what you have actually said to her will be the truth, so that's your aim, to prove to her you mean what you say and perhaps in a completely different way to how you might have previously said it, that's what you need to prove to her in all honesty, it's geniune.
If I can say this and I don't want to upset you by saying this and apologise if I do, I mean no harm at all, but we know that husbands who treat their wives with disdain come back to them with chocolates, flowers and promise they will change, but after a week or so, it's all back to what it was before hand, but this shouldn't happen, as her trust will be broken once again, as I have said you love her and deep down she probably does for you.
If you don't trust yourself then you're frightened of being able to feel good and it does ensure that you are terrified of allowing yourself to feel good in many ways that are acceptable by everyone and when you reach this point, have the strength to walk away.
It's not easy to change our pattern of routine but perhaps the end result will still be the same if we can differ what we usually do, and the result maybe much better.
Best wishes.
Geoff.
