How will I know I've changed?

[DivideByZero]

Hi everyone. So on the brink of divorce after 11 years of marriage, in literally the space of 30 seconds after reading one particular article, I came to realise, genuinely for the first time, that I've been abusive to my wife, the woman I love. It should have been bleeding obvious, but I couldn't see it, despite my wife trying to tell me for years. In a moment, the entire way I saw myself and my marriage fell apart. That was Monday.

On Tuesday, I started realising that may not be all of it, and started digging further into my memories and my behaviours. On Wednesday, I came to realise it's been all through our marriage. I wanted her to conform to what I wanted her to be, and would try and steer her away from things she wanted if they didn't fit into my image of our life together.

Today is Saturday, and I realised during our separation I've also been very jealous, thinking a lot about where my wife is and wondering who she's spending time with.

My wife is safe now, but I'm really in peices, totally unsure of anything. That's a good thing, I need to be questioning everything about me if I'm ever going to change. I'm scared about one thing above everything else though:

I successfully fooled myself completely for the last 11 years. In my mind, I was a patient, caring, devoted husband, who went to extraordinary lengths for my wife as she worked through the pain of her own childhood trauma, something we had in common. My wife was my first kiss, first everything. She was, to me, the centre of my life, yet I deluded myself the entire time. I lied to myself fundamentally about who I was, and the very core of my behaviour and attitudes towards the most important person in my life.

Why couldn't I see it? How will I ever know if I've really changed, if I'm safe to be in a relationship again, if I can deceive myself so well? How will I know I'm not doing it again?

Any and all thoughts are appreciated.

[Guest9337]

G'day DivideByZero, sounds like you have experienced a powerful epiphany. I suggest you actively think about and plan out a series of changes that you think or feel will step you towards being the person you ideally want to be.

I have found the internalisation of Ahimsa, that is the ideal of "no harm", has really helped me control my dark side. I practised non-violent communication on forums, editing and re-editing the words until I thought they shined with caring and love. I studied the history of non-violent movements by Mahatma Ghandi, Jesus and Dr Martin Luther King.

I have sometimes used my dark and intense feelings to spur me to action. I once got very angry about something and instead of venting or stewing I chopped down a dead tree in our back yard that the wife wanted chopped.