i don't have a feeling of safety - complex ptsd and dissociation

[divine_inner_goddess]

**slight trigger warning - I mention the word abuse**

Hello out there, 

I have been posting on other discussion threads but I haven't created my own post until now.... 

I am realising lately that I can't feel a sense of safety in my body. I can recall times when I have felt safe, for example lying under my weighted blanket, or cuddling with my partner. But, I can't FEEL the safety in my body when I think about those memories. It is as if my body simply does not retain a memory of that felt experience. However, I can feel terror, rage, helplessness, numbness, intense shame etc when I remember awful things from my past and I very much feel it in my body. I can feel good stuff in the moment as a vague sensation, but I can't retain the memory of it in my body. Does that make sense?  

I am learning more and more about dissociation at the moment, and I'm realising that I have experienced chronic dissociation (disconnection from my body sensations) to varying degrees since a child. I was never taught as a child what it meant to feel safe and held and nurtured. My childhood was chaotic, dysfunctional and very abusive, physically & emotionally. Thus, the diagnosis of complex PTSD. I am now in my late 40s and the impact of that early trauma is becoming more and more apparent.    

I realised this when I called the suicide call back service a few weeks ago and the lady kept saying to imagine a time when I felt safe, or to do something that made me feel safe and to keep doing that until I felt safe in my body. I drew a blank - she might as well have been speaking a different language!! It was a revelation to me! I thought that safety was something you created externally, such as, interacting with people you trust, places that feel comfortable in, and activities that feel nice and not too stressful. I never knew that safety was something you could feel INSIDE your body!! I am slowly learning.......

I would love to hear from others with a similar experience. But, also from those who can describe what safety feels like.   

Thank you, 

dig

[indigo22]

Hi ER,

Thank you for your kind words on becoming a champion, I truly hope I can make a difference in this role.

Deva Premal was one of those synchronicities, I was in a crystal warehouse many years ago browsing all the beautiful crystals and I became aware that the music that was playing was speaking to my soul. It turned out to be Deva Premal. She doesn't sing them in the traditional Indian way and her voice is so beautiful. There is a track that she has recorded recently with India Arie called Tara Mangalartha (climate balance) which is just beautiful. I have had that type of synchronicity with music a number of times over the years, being in the right place at the right time.

I can see how the healing modalities you are drawn to are because of your deep connection with nature, that they feel like a natural extension of your connection. I don't feel that same connection with nature, only in some areas like being near the ocean, I see natures beauty and appreciate what I see, but I am always aware of the dangers of being in nature. I grew up in an area where Tiger snakes were a common occurrence and I came within an inch of being bitten when I was 9 and have had a deep fear of snakes ever since. There were a few other negative experiences when I was young that have stayed with me also. I just don't feel I can relax in nature, I am always looking for the dangers that may be hiding there.

I have started reading Mark Wolynn's book and have been able to see some connections already, I have done a lot of genealogy so I am quite familiar with the family history going back a number of generations. It's an interesting read from that perspective.

I hope your Sunday is as sunny as it is here, it's a beautiful day,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Indigo and Dig,

Indigo, I'm just listening now to a snippet of Tara Mangalartha available on Deva Premal's website. It's beautiful 🙏 I will have a listen to some more things from her. I know what you mean about hearing music at particular moments and it speaking to you.

I understand what you are saying about not feeling completely safe in nature. I think everyone has different feelings to different environments. What is so ironic or weird about me, is I actually feel totally at home with tiger snakes and much more scared of people 😂 I see snakes quite regularly when out doing photography and have had numerous tiger snake encounters. Just before leaving the city I was at a wetland where one slithered right past my foot and I noticed my heart rate didn't even go up, so I feel very calm with them. I've also held pythons and got to really like them. But put me in a room full of people and I'm scared! With snakes I've learned to read and understand their behaviour. Tiger snakes are actually quite curious but that sometimes freaks people out. Snakes are mainly of concern if they both raise their upper body and flatten their head (strike pose) which is an absolute last resort for them as they really only get to that point if cornered, threatened, stepped on etc. Still not a good idea to deliberately approach venomous snakes though.

That will be so interesting reading Mark Wolynn's book and then reflecting back on your family history. You might have a few a-ha moments as you are going along where all of a sudden certain things make sense. So far I've just listened to some interviews and podcasts with him, but would like to read his book too.

It was a lovely sunny day here too. I did get out for a short walk. There are some lovely wildflowers at the moment. I have been doing stuff on the computer with my photo images today.

Hope you have had a lovely weekend Dig.

Take care both,

ER

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo & Eagle Ray, 

Congratulations Indigo, I can see that you are a Community Champion here on the forums. That's so awesome!! I am not sure what that involves, exactly, but I am sure your kindness and your empathy & compassion for others, and your lived experience will benefit so many. I sure am benefiting from your input. 

I had a fun weekend. A mixture of socialising, seeing some live music, and then doing some writing. 

Eagle Ray, yes, I am familiar with Internal Family Systems. It's similar to Voice Dialogue and Transformational  Chair Work that I have studied in the past, where a Part have a conversation with another Part. And all the parts make up the Whole [self]. I remember doing an exercise called Gathering the Whole, where you imagine a round table and all the parts come and sit around the table, as equals.  But, back then, I was not as aware of all the traumatised parts of myself that had well and truly been exiled and forgotten. So the exercise may not have been as transformative as it had the potential to be. Recently, when I have gone downhill, I recognised a Part of self who was so ashamed and would rather die than keep going and face the reality of what she had experienced. It was a really intense few months. But, eventually I reliased it was a "part" of myself. And rather than shun this Part, I tried to hold space for her. I recognised her as a warrior goddess, who was battle weary, broken and torn, and had fought many fights to get me to here. So, I imagined embracing her and bringing her home, back into the fold. In terms of Internal Family Systems, she was the Exhiled part. Around that time, I also recognised another Part that was checking my health all the time and adjusting what I was eating and drinking, and checking physical symptoms all the time. And hand washing excessively etc. Like a micro manager of health! Then eventually, I realised that actually, my body can create homeostasis on it's own. It doesn't need a micro-managing. Again, I didn't shun this Part. But I said to it, "Thank you for working so hard to look out for me. You have worked very hard. You can rest now and take a break". And I relaxed and let my body just do its thing. And the symptoms settled down. So in terms of IFS, that was one of the Managers. So very very gradually, I am building a sense of Self. And gradually acknowledging and loving all the parts. I love your description of giving your inner child what it needs - to create a sense of safety. Yes, I agree, attending to our needs creates safety. It's like saying to yourself, I've got you. I am here. I will look after you.

I feel like all these things I have learned about in the past are actually dropping in, NOW. Like the revelation I had about being on this planet to heal the intergenerational trauma. Not just on a head level, but an energetic level, and a body, brain & cellular level too. I think for me, it has made a huge difference taking time off work, so that I have the time and space to go deep, and really apply what I have learned in a visceral way. The seeds that were planted years ago are now able to grow.        

I am looking forward to starting Mark Wolynn's book, when I can get it. I'd love to hear about what you are getting out of it, Indigo, if/when you'd like to share. I have been thinking about my family history a lot over the weekend. I found a collection of stories my father had told me about being a child in Europe in WWII. Stories of narrow escape from soldiers, surviving in the woods, dodging bombs, going to school in a refugee camp after the war etc. I started writing them into a collation of stories. It's really driving home the point about trauma being passed down the line.

Hope you are both going well, 

dig  

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Dig and Indigo,

 Dig, I am so glad you have been able to identify those parts and integrate them with kindness and love. I only learned about parts relatively recently. I can really relate to the part you describe that felt ashamed and wanted to die. That part came to the fore for me last year and I was really battling against suicidality. It is phenomenal the power the non-integrated part has. It was like something that had enormous power over me. During one of many sleepless nights I was desperately looking for help and found Janina Fisher’s work which is partly informed by IFS. That gave me a foothold on holding onto life. I had another rough period early this year, but now, like you, that part is integrating and I am loving and caring for her. So I’m so happy for you that you are integrating and caring for those parts. It’s so empowering isn’t it! The way I feel I know that I will never get to such low points again, as I know my self is really integrating. I really connect with what you say about healing at the brain, body and cellular level. I feel like I am actually feeling my cells heal at the moment. This morning I could feel this deep release through the fascia throughout my body where hypervigilance and trauma has been held my whole life. I emailed my psychologist to tell her because it felt so profound. I know the changes are actually cellular. It is wonderful those seeds that were planted in the past are now changing for you at that visceral level. I feel like it’s a progression and as the brain and body gradually learn what it feels like to not be hypervigilant, it increasingly becomes a new normal. It is the healing of deep trauma.

 I’ll be interested to know how you both go with any revelations that come up with the Mark Wolynn book, if you want to share of course. It is another dimension of the healing journey and, like you said in an earlier post, it’s a privilege to be able to do that intergenerational healing work. I feel it’s important in my own life with regard to trauma that’s come down on both my parent’s sides. Those collections of stories from your father I’m sure will be helpful Dig in piecing things together.

Wishing you both a lovely week,

ER

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Eagle Ray, 

Yes, it is very empowering integrating those parts!!!! I think it was a phone call to one of the crisis support numbers and at that time I was feeling such intense shame. And the person I was talking said that the collapse of energy was the Part that needed to come home - the exhiled or shadow part. She described the Part as a "battle weary warrior/goddess/Queen" and I could really resonate with that. And I am glad I already knew about IFS because it enabled me to have a framework to hook it on to, if that makes sense. It helped so much to integrate that episode. Like you, I feel that I won't go as low to the point of suicidality again, now that that part has been reclaimed, and I understand that it is a vulnerable part of self that feels the suicidality, not my actual Self. And it was one of the summit talks about having respect for the body's innate ability to heal, that helped me to integrate the micromanager part.  

Wow! The release of fascia you experienced sounds amazing. It sounds a but like the release I experienced after that first acupuncture treatment. And yes, it really is deep healing when we can gradually come out of hypervigilance as the default, to find a new normal. I feel like I am melting, if that makes sense. Truly amazing.  

Have a lovely day, 

dig

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Eagle Ray, 

I replied to your post today, but it's being held up in mods.

In a nutshell, yes, the integration of parts is VERY empowering!!

dig 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Dig,

The word melting makes total sense and I have been feeling that too. I totally agree that understanding the difference between the Self and the part is so incredibly helpful. That sounds like a really insightful person you had on the crisis line. And what you say about the micromanager part makes so much sense too. It’s like a relief to be able to let go of the part that was trying to run the show because it thought it had to in order to survive.

An out of control part for me has been believing I have to always tend to the needs of others, as I was trained this way by my mother to be hypersensitive to her needs at all times. As a child this is experienced as necessary for survival, so this part continued being hypersensitive to and aware of others’ needs and vulnerabilities and thinking it is my responsibility to try and carry their pain, solve their problems etc. Not surprisingly lonely and desperate people have often attached themselves to me and kind of fed off me to get their needs met. All the while this non-integrated part kept me from being able to see my own needs at all, like I was invisible to myself.

 I’ve been challenged again by a couple of people in the last couple of days in relation to this pattern. But I’m super aware of the inner child I need to protect and I can’t pander to others trying to hook into my empathy and using me to get their needs met, which would be the abandonment of my inner child if I allowed it. Right now I feel like I have a newborn and I’m super protective of her (like a lioness mother) and feel I need quiet time in solitude while I look after her. I had more contact from a covert narcissist relative yesterday who is being very demanding and I’m just not responding, because my priority now is to take care of that inner child who was neglected for so long, and that means excluding all toxic behaviour from others. The contact from her sent my body back into a kind of stricture, but I know that’s a natural self-protective survival response and will ease again in time.

Seeing my own parts has also made me aware of the parts in others. So just as non-integrated parts of me were running me, I can see others being run by a part of themselves they are experiencing as their whole Self rather than seeing it is just a part of themselves that got alienated from the whole. I feel like so much human suffering happens simply because of this alienation of parts from the whole. It is one thing that explains seemingly out of control anxieties, behaviours, fears, depression etc, but when you realise it’s not your whole self, it is so empowering.

 I feel like on your quest for safety Dig you are so on the right path. I can relate to your journey and feel like I am gradually learning safety even if I relapse a bit here and there into old fear patterns. It’s so helpful hearing about your journey and I’m so happy you are experiencing those profound changes in your body as you ease your way into feelings of safety. Its a really beautiful thing to discover this is actually possible.

Take care and wishing you a lovely day.

[indigo22]

Hi ER & dig,

I am a bit tied up with doing some troubleshooting at home at the moment so I will write a longer reply when I have a bit more time. For now I wanted to let you know of a couple of things coming up that may interest you. They are both on The Shift Network

Sound Healing Through Humming & Tuning Forks (free one hour presentation) if you sign up and can't attend the time slots, you will be able to access the recording after 3 Oct.

Empaths, Sensitives and Intuitives Summit Oct 10-12 (24 hour access after live recording)

Hope you are both having a good day,

indigo

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo and Eagle Ray, 

Hi Indigo, and thanks for the heads up. 

Eagle Ray, I love that you are caring for your inner newborn, like a lioness. That's so beautiful. I can imagine a really lovely nurturing mother part of you holding the little newborn tenderly and lovingly. Healing that birth trauma that you have mentioned a few times. So precious.   

I can relate to your description of the part that takes care of everyone else's needs. It sounds strong, for you. I am pretty sure my mother set me up to fulfill her needs, from a young age, too. So like you, I grew up thinking that that is what I was supposed to do. I have had a few friends and relationships over the years who have sucked me dry with their neediness. I would look around at my 'friends' and think, 'I've got all the desperate people as friends'. Actually, this breakdown has given me the opportunity to 'weed the garden', because I simply do not have the energy to attend to other people's needs. So I have had an 'excuse' to tell certain people that I can't catch up with them, or help them with XYZ etc.  It's helped me to see where my energy was leaking, and that I need to just focus on me and my needs now. It feels so much better!!!!!! And more authentic. Because I am in my integrity when I say, no, I can't do that. Rather than saying yes, and going along with it, and then feeling resentment and not really understanding why. Sometimes I feel like I am using my mental health as an excuse. But then I remind myself it's not an excuse in the true sense of the word. I shouldn't have to justify myself. And I shouldn't have to look after others at the expense of my own wellbeing. Does that make sense? 

Thanks you for sharing your story too, Eagle Ray. Sometimes I read your posts and think I am reading about myself because it is so similar to my journey! Yes, it is a beautiful journey to experience the shifts in the body, and to know that healing really is possible and that WE ARE DOING IT!! 

Take care, 

dig

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Dig,

Your description of looking around at your friends and realising you have all the desperate people attached to you is my experience exactly. It is the story of my life and I've only started to break out of it in recent years. I was absolutely depleted myself while responding to the needs and demands of all these other people. They were people who did not really see me at all and used me to serve their needs and interests. This was the same kind of pattern I went through with my mother on repeat, over and over again. Like you I am becoming more authentic by staying in my integrity and protecting myself. It is also a better example to those people who try to cling and feed off us, as they learn that we have boundaries. They either become wiser about boundaries themselves or go off and try to find another source of supply for their wants and needs. But at least we are protecting ourselves. So, yes, I don't think protecting your mental health is an excuse at all but is an absolutely necessary priority. It kind of gets to crunch time doesn't it, where you realise it just isn't and option anymore to ignore your own well-being while endlessly looking after others. So what you say makes total sense!

I'm grateful for your posts too as they really resonate and it is encouraging to have that understanding about similar experiences. And, yes, we are really healing !!!

Take care and have an awesome day,

ER