i don't have a feeling of safety - complex ptsd and dissociation

[divine_inner_goddess]

**slight trigger warning - I mention the word abuse**

Hello out there, 

I have been posting on other discussion threads but I haven't created my own post until now.... 

I am realising lately that I can't feel a sense of safety in my body. I can recall times when I have felt safe, for example lying under my weighted blanket, or cuddling with my partner. But, I can't FEEL the safety in my body when I think about those memories. It is as if my body simply does not retain a memory of that felt experience. However, I can feel terror, rage, helplessness, numbness, intense shame etc when I remember awful things from my past and I very much feel it in my body. I can feel good stuff in the moment as a vague sensation, but I can't retain the memory of it in my body. Does that make sense?  

I am learning more and more about dissociation at the moment, and I'm realising that I have experienced chronic dissociation (disconnection from my body sensations) to varying degrees since a child. I was never taught as a child what it meant to feel safe and held and nurtured. My childhood was chaotic, dysfunctional and very abusive, physically & emotionally. Thus, the diagnosis of complex PTSD. I am now in my late 40s and the impact of that early trauma is becoming more and more apparent.    

I realised this when I called the suicide call back service a few weeks ago and the lady kept saying to imagine a time when I felt safe, or to do something that made me feel safe and to keep doing that until I felt safe in my body. I drew a blank - she might as well have been speaking a different language!! It was a revelation to me! I thought that safety was something you created externally, such as, interacting with people you trust, places that feel comfortable in, and activities that feel nice and not too stressful. I never knew that safety was something you could feel INSIDE your body!! I am slowly learning.......

I would love to hear from others with a similar experience. But, also from those who can describe what safety feels like.   

Thank you, 

dig

[indigo22]

Hi dig & ER,

dig, I think what I was trying to say, but clearly didn't come out the way I meant it, was that you have only just started to come to the realisation of why you went through your traumatic past, that's the journey I was referring to. Once that connection is made, things make more sense going forward. I hope that makes what I said a bit clearer. That's why I said I was proud of you for starting to integrate that learning.

If ever you find that what I have said doesn't make sense to you, please let me know, I may not have worded it clearly, but at no point will there be even the slightest intention of causing you any harm, that way of thinking doesn't enter my mind.

ER, what you were saying about healing 7 generations was what I was talking about when I said in an earlier post "The reason we are here at this time on the planet is to change the balance of power by healing ourselves and coming to the realisation of who we truly are. In doing so, we also heal past karma because the cycle is broken." What I mean by past karma is that the souls who are part of our lineage who have been trapped on the karmic wheel, will be able to reincarnate without karma. If we heal ourselves, we will have broken the cycle for them. I am unaware if either of you have had children because we have not spoken about it, but I believe I was not meant to have children in this incarnation so the karma ends with me. Everyone on the planet who is doing this work is healing centuries of karma to free souls from the karmic wheel, that is the magnitude of the work we are doing.

Enjoy your day,

indigo

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Eagle Ray and Indigo, 

Wow, that is truly fascinating that it's been clinically demonstrated that memories and the feelings/sensations can be passed on genetically! I remember you shared about your grandfather's war memory shifting in a somatic experiencing session, might have been mentioned it in another discussion thread. That's really amazing, what happened for you in that session. I am familiar with 'genetics'. I did a twins study for my honours thesis, so I learned a lot about genetics, many years ago. But, what is epigenetics? 

I get the healing 7 generations back and 7 generations forward, as a concept. But, I didn't know that you could literally heal trauma on a genetic level. When you mentioned the guest speaker in the course you did, Eagle Ray, it reminded me of Holographic Kinetics. I did a session a few years back with an Aboriginal man. Holographic Kinetics is an indigenous modality that encapsulates the nonlinearity of time, and in that realm the healing can occur in the past, present and future. Just like you described. I remember coming out of that session feeling very "discombobulated"!!!!! It was as if the trauma that I had experienced had simply never happened, and I was a completely different person. It took a few days to settle and integrate. The feeling lasted a few weeks maybe, I can't quite remember. And then is gradually faded. 

Is this what the book, It Didn't Start With You is all about? Fascinating stuff!!  

Yes, I have heard that said too, about psychedelics shifting a lot in one session. I guess it is working on that unconscious level, without the mind getting in the way. It really is such an exciting new (but old) field. I listened to the global summit on psychedelic-assisted therapies earlier this year. Dan Siegal spoke on that summit, too. I am just looking back over my notes from that summit, now. Ben Sessa, a psychiatrist from the UK talked about complex PTSD and how psychedelics can assist in accessing a feeling of safety, trust & love, that a person with C-PTSD has never experienced before. I think this could be good for me to try, at some point. I remember all the speakers emphasised the importance of properly trained support people to guide the experience, and the importance of integration. I absolutely agree with that. I remember my first shamanic journey in a holistic counselling course. The class ran over-time and some students were still deep in their experience, lying on the floor. Everyone packed up and left the classroom and just left those students there, lying on the floor. There wasn't any time to discuss, share, debrief and integrate our experiences. Some students were traumatised by that class. Thankfully, I was okay. But it did make me realise the importance of safety and integration. I think we have an extra 48 hours for the summit, so I might check out Dan Siegal & Michael Sapiro today or tomorrow. 

take care, 

dig   

[indigo22]

Hi dig,

Epigenetics is a term that translates to 'above the genes'. It comes from the research that Bruce Lipton has been doing for decades on genes where he discovered that we are not controlled by our genes but by the environment in which our genes exist, which can affect the genes that are turned on or off. Mark Wolynn goes into this a bit in the book referencing Bruce's work in this area. I have been following Bruce's work for at least a couple of decades so I have an understanding of it, putting into words is another thing entirely. 

Hope that helps a bit,

indigo 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi dig and indigo,

Indigo, I don’t have children even though it was something in my heart I really had hoped for. It has been a source of grief, but with the health struggles I’ve had I know I would have struggled to fully be the parent I wanted to be. I’m probably only just getting to a point now where I’m kind of better within myself in a way that might make me a better parent, but too old now at 48. I’ve cared for other’s children at times, including my friend’s one year old, and absolutely loved it. It felt like the most natural thing in the world to me. I’m going to be staying in the city soon and seeing my friend’s 6 month old. I find it deeply healing to be with babies. Perhaps it also helps heal the trauma wound from my own birth and babyhood. In terms of not having children, I have kind of thought of it as trauma patterns having to die out somewhere in order to protect future generations, so perhaps that is the same thing as karma. I hope that my existence makes a positive difference to the world. I think I’ve found it is the smallest things that make a difference - smiling at someone you meet on the street, helping an elderly person you see struggling to put out their waste collection bin, being friendly to a shop assistant (or customer if you are the shop assistant), even buying a stranger a coffee (which a lovely person did for me recently). It is simple acts of care that I feel make the world go round.

Dig, the healing is not in the genes themselves but in the epigenetic material upon the genes in the form of the chromatin/protein packaging. Epigenetics is how environmental factors can switch genes on to be expressed or off again, but the content of the genes themselves don’t actually change. One of the oldest studies showed that the grandchildren of mice could inherit the fear of a particular smell, even though they’d never met the previous generations. The grandparent mice were entrained to react to a particular smell fearfully with a painful, unpleasant association (poor mice). Other studies have replicated the pattern with similar experiments that showed a change in epigenetics. Studies with humans have included Rachel Yehuda’s work on the generations following Holocaust survivors. Peter Levine writes about something similar in In An Unspoken Voice. So there is a kind of transmission of memory material that can exist in the form of feelings, sensations, visuals and even the core beliefs people hold. I know Michael Wolynn has looked at core beliefs and found profound connections with past generations. It is actually very encouraging because it means we really can heal past trauma.

Dig, I too have done some shamanic stuff that was not managed well by the facilitators. I went to a weekend retreat like that. I was actually harmed by that but did recover from it. I was concerned for some of the other participants who had been through severe traumas. It is so important to find safe practitioners. That is interesting what Ben Sessa was saying and I feel it is really true that there is a place of safety and love that can be found for those with C-PTSD in those experiences. What you describe with Holographic Kinetics sounds like that too. It sounds amazing. I know what you mean about the transformational experience and then it fading. That’s similar to what happened to me having the traditional Shipibo healing icaros sung to me. It triggered a transformational experience that eliminated all trauma from my life 100% before it slowly re-emerged. But knowing that experience is possible I think brings an awareness of the very real potential of healing.

A book you may both be interested in (yes another one!) is Traditional Healers of Central Australia: Ngangkari. The healers in it describe how they work, integrating the kinds of things we’ve been discussing.

Hope you are both having a restful evening.

[indigo22]

Hi ER & dig,

Just a quick note to let you know about a couple of upcoming free events that may interest you.

I have put up a post in PTSD & trauma about a summit that is coming up in October.

There is also one starting tomorrow for 2 days on medical intuition, link is below.

Hope you are having a good day,

indigo

https://theshiftnetwork.com/s/intuition

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Indigo,

 I saw another summit earlier this year on psychedelic assisted therapies which was very good. The one this weekend on medical intuition looks very interesting. I’d like to watch/listen but my brain is quite oversaturated while also having a lot of other things to get through this weekend so I may not get to it, but will listen if I feel able. I watched a summit hosted by Keesha Ewers a while ago on autoimmunity which had some interesting stuff in it and I can see she is a co-host in this one. She has got her rheumatoid arthritis into remission with the work she has done. I’m working on the same thing with my autoimmune liver disease. I hope you get lots of good stuff out of it, ER

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Indigo & Eagle Ray, 

Thank you both for the descriptions of epigenetics. I can kind of get the general idea. I think reading the Mark Wolynn book might help me to understand it some more. 

Thanks too for the summit links Indigo. Like you Eagle Ray, I think I am at saturation point from the last summit. I tried to listen to Dan Siegal's talk the other day and just zoned out and heard blah, blah, blah, blah. 🙄 I feel like I need all the awesome 'nuggets of gold' to settle and sink in, before I take in any more. 

Actually, I read a novel during the week, Maame, by Jessica George. For some light relief after taking in soooooooooo much information and learning from the summit. It was so moving. I was bawling my eyes when I finished the book yesterday morning. A beautiful relationship between father and daughter. Reminded me of my own father. I sat crying, with tears sliding down my cheeks, and rocking and holding myself for ages as the emotion kept welling up and spilling out. I felt immense grief, but also immense gratitude. I then felt inspired to write about my own father. So I started to write some of the war stories my father used to tell me. I was in flow, in 'the zone' for hours, writing all afternoon and evening. So cool. I can feel my authentic self emerging and coming to the fore when I am an a creative flow like that, and everything else recedes. For a while, at least. 

Eagle Ray - I can very much relate to your post about not having children. I am in my late 40's and I don't have children either. I made a very conscious choice not to. I was in a stable relationship in my child bearing years, and I could have tried to conceive. But I knew that I carried the battle scars of trauma. I was so terrified of hurting my child, like my mother hurt me, that I thought it was safer to not have one at all - to protect that future soul that could have entered my womb and grown into a baby. To break the cycle of trauma I had to literally not procreate at all. I get what you mean about the trauma patterns having to die out - to protect future generations. Looking back now, I know that I wouldn't have coped as a mother, and wouldn't have had the capacity to be the mother that I wanted to be. And I wouldn't have had support from my own mother which was a big factor too. I absolutely, without a doubt, know that I made the right choice. I went through a grieving process too, somewhere in my late thirties or early forties. Grief for the life I could have had as a mother. Grief for the child I could have raised. But, I also too felt that I had already raised a child - my little sister. She is 7 years younger than me. And because my mother was so emotionally unavailable, I became the 'mother' to my sister. I was fiercely protective of my sister, too. I copped the brunt of the physical stuff from my mother in order to protect my sister, like a Lioness putting her life on the line to protect her cubs. I kind of feel battle fatigue from the effort of warding off the attacks from my mother, and nurturing and mothering my sister. I need a rest from that now!! She has a son now, my little nephew. I feel like I was able to protect and mother her enough (as much as a child can 'mother') that she could then raise her own child, unlike I could. I like to think that I can pass on love and nurturing and kindness and fun to my nephew, as if he was my own child. And the same with other people's children. And people in the street, like you said Eagle Ray. And I am learning to be good mother to myself, too.  

Yes, the Holographic Kinetics enabled an experience of transformation, even if only momentary. I have had similar transformational experiences in Vision Quests and other shamanic practices too. I think it is a matter of returning to these sorts of practices and experiences as much as possible. I was just drumming on my shamanic medicine drum the other day and sent myself into a trance state. It felt really lovely and peaceful and soothing. 

I hope you both are enjoying the weekend, 

dig             

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Dig & Indigo,

Dig, I was really moved by your description of how you protected your sister. It brought up some tears. You have been a mother early already and done the really tough work of parenting when you were the one who was meant to be parented. In a way your nephew is like a grandchild (in the perspective of you as mother to your sister), so you have contributed to the life of a new human coming into the world and being safe and protected. That is incredibly powerful in itself.

I relate in the sense that I became my mother's parent when I was 5, when she first began to treat me as a mother. I was her confidante/parent/support person and I quickly internalised this as what was "normal" in my family. But also my mother could be extremely volatile towards me, as I know your mother was to you, so it was profoundly confusing to deal with the contradiction of being both a punching bag and her looking to me for support.

Like you I went through grief in my late 30s and early 40s at the reality of not having children. At 39 I met and dated a guy who was keen to have kids. But I had a strong feeling in me it was going to be too much for me to be a parent. As it turns out, I had one major stress after another from the age of 40, including caring for my parents in rapid health decline and my own health collapsing. I instinctively new I could not manage to parent in the way I would have wanted to be there for a child.

I thought I would share some of my recent progress in developing safety, in case it helps. Like you I did not know what safety was for most of my life. I am literally just starting to get it now. In the past couple of months I've realised I can make myself safe. So when I have had a fear attack I do an action so that I can experience safety in my body. Before that I have always chronically frozen. So both of the road trips I recently went on were exactly that. I was triggered by feeling unsafe with a couple of people in my town (I turned out to be correct in my assessment). I needed to feel safe so just getting in my car and going activated that safety. The other day someone was knocking at my door. I was having a vulnerable day and just did not feel able to communicate with anyone. In the past I would have answered out of a sense of fear (I must answer and do what other people want). But I chose this time to parent my vulnerable inner child that simply wanted peace, solitude and no contact. So I didn't answer. I later found it was my neighbour who knocked again the next day when I did feel up to answering. So I simply follow now what my inner child needs in any given moment. I support that child to feel safe. If that means sometimes withdrawing from people, that is perfectly ok. I've actually spontaneously started feeling the presence of a baby or small child with me at times and I know this is a sign of safety developing. It's like I am developing a safe internal family system to replace the dysfunctional one that was put there from my childhood. I don't know if you have looked at any of Janina Fisher's or Richard Schwarz's work, but they look at how an internal family system forms within us based on what we've experienced. They also look at how parts can be structurally dissociated, which certainly happened for me, and I know you've mentioned dissociation too. So it is like you get to a point where you can nurture the damaged, structurally dissociated part and start to integrate it. I just thought I'd mention those things in case they're helpful. I am still very much learning this process but can feel real healing starting to happen. It feels very tender and positive.

The novel you read sounds beautiful. That's awesome you have your drum to go into those trance states. It is so healing isn't it. I have a drum too I bought at a festival I went to. I haven't played it in a long time but it would be very therapeutic, so I should get back into it, even if I drive my neighbours crazy. Ha ha!

Sending you both a big hug,

ER

[indigo22]

Hi ER & dig,

No need to explain about the programs, I said I would let you know when things come up, wether or not you want to get involved each time is up to you. I know you can get to a point of saturation, which is why I am very selective about who I watch in these events, if I don't feel a resonance, I skip to the next one. I probably watched about 10 of those so I am ready to go again with the medical intuitive event but I probably will not watch all of those either.

The two of you seem to have a connection with the indigenous forms of healing, shamanic etc., but I have never been drawn to those types of healing. For me it is about crystals, colour, singing bowls, mantras (eg. Deva Premal) and Reiki or other energy and vibrational healing modalities. I think I must have had a past life as a healer in Atlantis working with crystals.

ER, I mentioned a while ago I was looking into the champion program, I officially became a champion this week.

Hope you are both enjoying the weekend,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Indigo, that’s fantastic you have become a Community Champion. I’m sure it will be meaningful reaching out to others and providing support in an official capacity. You have your lived experience to draw on and I’m sure you will be of great service to others with care and compassion.

When it comes to forms of healing, I see and experience them all working with the same energetic process, just in different cultural frameworks. When I had that deep healing from the icaro songs from the Shipibo tradition, that is shamanic. But the effect on my body powerfully activated my chakra centres and from everything I’ve read was akin to a kundalini awakening. So I think shamanic practices are essentially doing the same kind of work. The Ngangakri healers of central Australia do energy work with their hands that is quite similar to reiki. They are now working in hospitals, nursing homes and prisons as an adjunct therapy alongside Western medicine, in a similar way to how reiki has appeared in certain settings, such as cancer treatment centres.

I think I’ve felt drawn to shamanic stuff because it is so grounded and embedded in nature, in the very ecosystem in which it emerged. Nature is so deeply healing for me that any system that works through the spirit energy of the land is something I feel connected to.

 I hadn’t heard of Deva Premal before so just looked her up and can see she is a singer of Sanskrit mantras and spiritual music. I will have a listen.

Take care and enjoy your Sunday,

ER