i don't have a feeling of safety - complex ptsd and dissociation

[divine_inner_goddess]

**slight trigger warning - I mention the word abuse**

Hello out there, 

I have been posting on other discussion threads but I haven't created my own post until now.... 

I am realising lately that I can't feel a sense of safety in my body. I can recall times when I have felt safe, for example lying under my weighted blanket, or cuddling with my partner. But, I can't FEEL the safety in my body when I think about those memories. It is as if my body simply does not retain a memory of that felt experience. However, I can feel terror, rage, helplessness, numbness, intense shame etc when I remember awful things from my past and I very much feel it in my body. I can feel good stuff in the moment as a vague sensation, but I can't retain the memory of it in my body. Does that make sense?  

I am learning more and more about dissociation at the moment, and I'm realising that I have experienced chronic dissociation (disconnection from my body sensations) to varying degrees since a child. I was never taught as a child what it meant to feel safe and held and nurtured. My childhood was chaotic, dysfunctional and very abusive, physically & emotionally. Thus, the diagnosis of complex PTSD. I am now in my late 40s and the impact of that early trauma is becoming more and more apparent.    

I realised this when I called the suicide call back service a few weeks ago and the lady kept saying to imagine a time when I felt safe, or to do something that made me feel safe and to keep doing that until I felt safe in my body. I drew a blank - she might as well have been speaking a different language!! It was a revelation to me! I thought that safety was something you created externally, such as, interacting with people you trust, places that feel comfortable in, and activities that feel nice and not too stressful. I never knew that safety was something you could feel INSIDE your body!! I am slowly learning.......

I would love to hear from others with a similar experience. But, also from those who can describe what safety feels like.   

Thank you, 

dig

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Indigo,

That’s ok. You didn’t mess up. You were trying to be helpful. I don’t mind if the quote is there now. It was just a trigger this morning. I’ve always worked to practise positivity and have the right mindset, but this approach has actually been harmful to me because it involved thinking positive through everything even when my body and soul were screaming they were not ok. I partly got this approach from my Dad who had read a book called something like “I’m Alive, I’m Well and I Feel Great”, an Australian marketing/business book. He would quote this to me when I was a kid as a life approach, but at the same time he had regular explosive rages and was so clearly not ok. I could see the massive discrepancy between a mindset and a deeper reality. That was his complex trauma. But nonetheless I’ve always been an ultra-optimist. But I’ve learned this can merge into what gets called toxic positivity which I think can be particularly harmful for people with c-ptsd. This is because complex trauma is deeply embedded below the world of language and thought. It’s a primal survival response that biologically overrides everything else when triggered, especially as it often starts in early childhood. What I’ve had to do is learn to acknowledge what is wrong and where I am damaged. I was failing to do that for so many years and it’s contributed to my mind/body/spirit breaking down.

I visited a former partner of my brother’s on the way home today who is lovely. She spoke of how it made her angry when my brother would freeze when they had an argument. In her family arguments happened, people worked out their emotions and then everyone made up and things were ok again. In our family conflicts were intense, explosive and never healed, leaving a constant feeling of tension, trauma and stress. I tried to explain to her my brother’s freezing is a non-voluntary autonomic response he has always had, but I think it’s hard for her to grasp. She is understanding to a point, but I think she thinks he should just get over it, as if he could just change his mindset. She is very kind and supportive, but I can feel the limitations in her understanding of complex trauma. I’ve found there aren’t many people who know what it is and understand it. So it feels very lonely at times having intense fear responses and trying to mask those and appear normal. Most people think I’m way more ok than I actually am. On the few occasions I’ve tried to open up that things are challenging, I sense people just want you to keep putting on the brave face because they find trauma stuff uncomfortable. Some wise souls see through the mask though. A lovely lady at a local cafe has kept asking me how I am. I was always deflecting saying I am good. But one day she finally got through my mask and we had a really meaningful chat. She could see I was carrying trauma.

Anyway, sorry again for losing it this morning and thank you for making an effort to encourage us.

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Eagle Ray, 

I haven't had a chance to read all the posts recently, but I noticed that you were very distressed Eagle Ray. I totally get the c-ptsd triggers. It can be something so simple and innocuous that sets it off. Something well meaning from another person can actually be detrimental. I trust you are looking after yourself. And please call the support numbers if you need to. I called Blue Knot on Monday when my nervous system was in a spin, and the lady I spoke to was absolutely lovely. I love that the service is trauma informed, and sensitive to c-ptsd. As the name implies, c-ptsd is so complex. It is awesome that they can offer free counselling one a week for survivors of childhood trauma.    

Thinking of you, sending a big hug, & take care, 

dig 

[Sophie_M]

Hi lovely people!

Sophie M here jumping in as we can sense some tension in the thread. While we understand that these posts are well-meaning, it is also possible to be taken in a way that causes distress. That is one of the tricker aspects of online communication - we can miss some of that conext. 

If anyone is feeling distressed or would like to chat, please do not hesitate to reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat. As mentioned above, Blue Knot are also fantastic: available on 1300 657 380, every day between 9am-5pm (AEST).

We thank you all for your willingness to share when something is not sitting right here on the Forums. It is important to us that this is a safe and welcoming space.

Take good care ❤️

Kind regards
Sophie M

[indigo22]

Hi Eagle Ray & dig,

ER, there is no need to be sorry, I learn from my mistakes so it won't happen again. Like I said, you are both more important to me than anything that occurred.

My family was similar in some ways but not to the same extreme. Arguments were never settled, everyone resented someone else, everyone yelled at each other, my mother betrayed me more than once. As an adult, I once said to my parents when they started bickering, "damn it you two, it's never are they going to have an argument, it's who is going to start it, I can't even tell if you love each other". My mother said "is that really how you see us". They were clearly oblivious to the atmosphere of tension, stress and discomfort they created on a daily basis from the time I was old enough to remember. So I do understand what you have talked about with the lack of feeling safe, I just don't feel as deeply as an adult, but I do understand that you and dig do still feel it as deeply because it was more intense. I can never completely understand either of your situations because I didn't live it, the same as you didn't live mine, but you will always have my compassion and care. I just went the wrong way on this occasion and I deeply regret that it caused you distress. As I said recently, I do still get triggered, but I am getting better at recognising the cause when they happen, and I know you do that too. You can both talk about anything you are going through, I may or may not completely understand at a cognitive level but I will at an emotional level. It is a bit like thinking that someone can understand what it is like to lose someone who has never lost anyone, they can feel for you at an emotional level, but won't necessarily grasp the full impact unless they go through it themselves.

dig, I hope your nervous system is beginning to settle and I hope the physical pain you have been in has started to ease. Looking forward to hearing more from you when you are up to it.

Take care both,

indigo

[Eagle Ray]

Hi dig, indigo and Sophie,

Thank you for your kind support. I tried calling Blue Knot today but couldn’t get through so will try tomorrow. I called them once before and the woman I spoke with was very helpful. They focus on safety and stabilisation which is really the core issue with c-ptsd.

 I feel I’m not much help to anyone here at the moment and it might be good if I take a break so I don’t upset other people with what I’m going through. The feeling of losing my brother over the past week just pushed me over the edge. I’m seeing my psychologist on Monday. I just don’t want to upset other people. I think just repeated experiences of fear and loss are really affecting me. I probably need to just go and spend time in nature as I usually do and focus on activities that I enjoy like photography which always helps me.

Take care and I hope you all go well,

ER

[indigo22]

ER,

I totally understand your need to nurture yourself at the moment, I trust nature will hold you lovingly while you heal what needs to be healed. We will welcome you back with open arms when you are ready.

Be gentle with yourself,

indigo

[divine_inner_goddess]

Hi Eagle Ray & Indigo, 

I am going to take a break from this discussion thread, too. I actually feel like we have exhausted the topic that I originally started. And we have weaved around on some awesome related topics as well, which has been hugely beneficial to me!!!!!

For me, I feel that I have got what I needed from my original question about feeling safety in the body. And, I have an idea now of what to do and where to go, to move forward. The tools and resources from the mental health global summit, the Wisdom of Trauma film, and the books that have been suggested have been absolute gold. I have gained incredible insight, knowledge, understanding, healing shifts, and a pathway forward to freedom. WOW!!  

If I need support again, I will start another conversation thread. I will say bye for now, and thank you so much both of you for your input and support. 🙏  

take care, 

dig

[indigo22]

dig,

I hope your healing journey continues to be a successful one and I look forward to connecting with you again when you are ready.

Be gentle with yourself also,

indigo