domestic violence against men

[gremz]

I am currently studying community welfare and began the subject Domestic Family Violence. Although many men do experience abuse from their partners, this is not recognized in my course. 
When I asked the teacher about it, she reported to me that men being abused by women would and should be treated differently and receive less support. Its been a long hard battle for females to gain rights so we should be treated better than males?
I don't think this is the "equality" I visioned as a female. 
Anyone else find it not quite right?
Shouldn't violence (especially in a family) and abuse against ANYONE be wrong?

[white knight]

Hi gremz, welcome

oh boy, this is my fav topic. A short account.

During the first 11 years of my first marriage I believe I suffered the worse king of emotional abuse ever felt- the weapon of SILENCE!!!.  A background. I was 29, she 19. It was after marraige I found that she used silence as her weapon not her defense. We had two children We wanted to recreate the old lifestyle. Country living, mum staying at home, me working. But it didnt work. Higher mortgage led to working 2 jobs for me, then 3 jobs. I was of course exhausted. But that would ahve been tolerable had she carried out her role as a supportive wife, homemaker and mother to two small children (roles she agreed to fulfill).

As it turned out I was changing the nappies, washing the clothes, shopping etc. I was- a superman/mum. What was she doing during this time? sleeping or watching TV.  Of course my anger turned to rage and desperation. I called a doctor to our home unannounced. He sat at the table at 2pm, she still in her dressing gown. He took tests and a week later tld me it was a case of "laziness".

Now the real problem- everytime I sought to solve the problem she would go silent. I confided in a friend of hers. Her friend told me that when my wife was a child she would always get her own way if she refused to talk to her parents. And she admitted that she was well aware that doing the same to me was getting her own way.  I couldnt work with her, couldnt discuss things she didnt want to discuss and I felt I wasnt in a marriage at all

Eventually it came to a head. In 1996 I planned my suicide. Then I thought of my children to be left behind and stopped my thoughts. Thank God. A week later I was distraught. ...then one response came, the only response ever received during times when she would go silent- she blew a smoke ring in my face.

I left that night. My two children 7 and 4 yo lost their full time dad, I lost my full time fatherhood, my dog, my neighbours, my small country town (had to move closer to my one full time job due to affordability as child support came).

Abuse for a female? Too right it can lead to the worst possible senario.

post script:  2014. Eldest daughter came to live with me at 12yo is now 25. No longer has contact with her mother because "she shuts me out when she wants". Youngest daughter came in and out of my life. She is now 22. She chooses to speak to me at her choosing. History repeats. But this time I chose (last week) to end our relationship..to stop history repeating!

[gremz]

I am so sorry to hear that and so happy to hear that your acted so responsibly.
It is men like you that live up to the meaning of strong and a true gentleman. A lot of you deserve more credit.

[SubduedBlues]

Like WK, my wife of 24 years tortured me with her weapon of choice: silence. She forbade any discussion on topic which included: how she feels about something;  any emotions betwixt the two of us; should anyone not be happy with any decision or idea that she has put forward. It was always her way,  or she threatened divorce. 

After 24 years of trying to get me angry enough to leave her, she finally realized that I would always forgive trespass and stand by my vows. So she left. That was 4 weeks ago. 

I think it's rare that women physically abuse men, but emotional abuse is commonplace. Society expects men to suck it up and be tough; and then look to blame the man for being to weak when he can no longer handle the constant barrage of abuse.

[white knight]

Hi D'jected,

Sorry to hear of your recent separation. Hope you keep well and strong.

This topic interests me and always has. If we think along the lines that our modern world really is only a few hundred years old, modern treatment of men and women has really only changed in recent times.

I believe men, right up till recent times, held the power of being head of the family through his physical might. During all this time, a few million years his woman did as she was told, while he hunted and fought off rivals and animals she was the homemaker and gatherer. But she was also the improviser, and she had power through manipulation (I'm not anti woman here) in order for her to survive the best way she could.  She found ways to avert physical abuse from her husband or other men with mind power. Thats my theory.

Subsequently many women became masters in this way.  Mentally much more robust as she could not rely on her physical strength to overcome man especially the physically abusive man, and there were many.

Today, a man strikes a woman he is an abuser, a wife basher...and rightly so. If a woman shirks her responsibilities by using silence as a weapon, or any other action/inaction that hurts a man mentally, she is never held to account.

Perhaps it all stems from childhood because this behaviour is and likely cannot be addressed when we are adults. During my first marriage I tried counselling 3 times to no effect. What I dreamed of was a local JP trained in human behaviour that I could go to, for him/her to assess the situation and instruct my then wife firmly to treat me correctly in an adult manner with proper communication and for her to be forced to carry out her marital and parental responsibilities of which she chose to do.

In desperation I offered my wife to get a job and I'd give up working my 3 jobs and take over as househusband. It went down like a ton of bricks. I knew this because she didnt talk for 3 weeks. The usual occurence.

Enough about me. I'm suggesting that women can have just as negative effect on men with abuse as man against women.

Note: my comment might get some women offside. Please dont take this personally. It's a theory and I welcome comments.

[Zbigniew]

Hello Gremz,

I think that is absolutely disgraceful that your teacher who is supposedly a professional on the subject of Family Domestic Violence should hold such as attitude regarding phyical violence by women against men.

Physical violence by women against men is very real and this needs to be recognised and taken seriously as too many men are living in silence and are too ashamed to seek help for the fear of being perceived as weak and attitudes such as this from your teacher reinforces this shame.

WK and D'jected have both provided classic examples of emotional abuse by women towards men which i have also been on the receiving end of.  I have not experienced physical violence at the hands of a woman however your question bought back memories of a man i met who did experience physical violence from his wife.

Years ago we had a truck delivery to our work place.  After the delivery i invited the truck driver in for a cup of coffee.  He was a big burly tough looking bloke who looked like a stereotypical truck driver. 

I could see that something wasn't quite right with him so i asked him if he was ok and he just broke down and burst into tears and i spent the next hour or so consoling him as he was telling me that he has been a victim of both physical and emotional abuse at the hands of his wife for years.

He felt too much shame to report it or tell anyone for the fear of being percieved as weak or not being believed and he was too scared that his wife would take their kids away from him if he did report it. 

He also said that to the outsider that his wife appeared to be a gentle, loving, nice person but behind closed doors she would regularly fly into a rage and beat him over the most minor things.

Therefore i think it is disgraceful that your teacher should consider that this truck driver and others like him should be treated differently and are undeserving of the same level of support as a women in the same situation.

However well done for raising the question and i wish you the very best for your studies.  This is definitely an area that requires more attention and recognition.

All the very best to you:)

Zbigniew  

[gremz]

Thanks for your stories guys. 
It sounds like it has been hard and frustrating.
I just wanted to remind you that men too can play the silent game, it is not just a womans game (although a lot more likely)
That man is a perfect example of what made me so annoyed with her answer. The story is almost identical to most women's, so why should it be treated differently? 
I hope our culture can grow more accepting of all circumstances.

[geoff]

dear Gremz, this is an interesting topic and firstly the teacher was not right in what they said.

I have to agree whole heartedly starting off with WK being the first reply, as exactly the same happened with me, and when she did speak it was all about me having to change and nothing about herself.

She would lie in bed when she wasn't working or take days off, and only spoke to the boys, so even when I had my mask on I had to cook, clean, but could never do this properly according to her.

Her silence was punishment, no wonder I was drinking, now after all of this for years we still talk and see each other, and I still love her but would never live with her again. Geoff.

[gremz]

its good that you can still talk to her and handled it so well Geoff.
Does she give you the silent treatment still, or was that just when you were together?

I am surprised to hear silence being used as a weapon is so common, most girls never stop talking! 

[Chris72a]

Hi All, haven't really read the whole thread but I think that the majority of male abuse is emotional rather than physical, whilst I have experienced Physical abuse it is more emotional and quite frankly that is worse than the physical...

Cheers

Chris