domestic violence against men

[gremz]

I am currently studying community welfare and began the subject Domestic Family Violence. Although many men do experience abuse from their partners, this is not recognized in my course. 
When I asked the teacher about it, she reported to me that men being abused by women would and should be treated differently and receive less support. Its been a long hard battle for females to gain rights so we should be treated better than males?
I don't think this is the "equality" I visioned as a female. 
Anyone else find it not quite right?
Shouldn't violence (especially in a family) and abuse against ANYONE be wrong?

[white knight]

Hi MM and JK,  oh yeh

My first wife used silence. Silence can twist a persons mind. It can be the most effective weapon when one is trying to work hard to get the family home working well, a marriage working well and childrens little eyes looking, knowing she isnt talking for up to 6 weeks at a time.

So what was the result of this behaviour over an 11 year span?  Kids lose their full time dad, dad loses his full time fatherhood, dad loses his home, dog, neighbours, lifestyle. Dad needs to find another life but cant afford one due to child support (which in the 1990's was ridiculous), a mum to my kids that restricted as much access as she could (didnt want me to attend parent and teacher night because "well I'm the mother").

I wont go on. Violence in any form is abhorrent. And manipulation, silence and other forms of hurt is violence IMO.

[gremz]

Hey Martin,

Thanks for you're input.

As for your question about feminists - this thread was started by a feminist, so pleas don't group us all together because you've met some bad ones.

What you're all saying is right - we need more awareness. I guess that's what this forum is. And all you can do is set an example and fight with patience and words.

[TTSP]

Hi gremz.

As you would know DV comes in many forms including physical, emotional, sexual and verbal.

Being a victim to all four I mentioned above by my estranged husband, I honestly believe that anyone (male or female) who is subjected to DV should be treated equally when they proceed through the system. Unfortunately it comes down to proof and believability. This is where I think the problem lies.

I hope my 2 cents worth was of some value.

[Daisy_]

Hi,

I can tell you that when a mother abuses children/husband people don't care or it's ignored. Yet the damage is very real. That mother can be a strong well built 6ft tall woman too. Solution to date has been somehow survive until adulthood, be aware and create some distance. It's hard as a child knowing what's happening or what to do.

[CheeseSlices]

I am glad to have found this thread, thanks for sharing.

I am in a situation now where I feel I am abusive to my carer. I have gone to friends to say - hey help this isnt fair to him and they laugh. They say he can leave if its that bad - but he wont. Neither of us can afford it.

I cannot shut my mouth, I am always talking what is going through my mind, the more stimulation in household, the louder and faster I talk. It is just my thoughts coming out of my mouth - and at the moment I cant keep a lid on it. Its not all bad. He hears some of what I say and does very well at reading what I may need. But when I am in a rage, I cant stop the verbal thoughts. I get very very nasty. I had brought this up to doctors and therapist who then showed me how I was justified in my thoughts and behaviour. But I still feel extreme guilt. He is a good person who does not deserve that.

I often want to run away but that would cause panic. It would be good if I could be silent

[white knight]

Hi cheeseslices

Im not a psych but I've read a lot on that talking without thought business. My mother was chronic in that area and I'd noticed I was say half as bad.

Unfortunately my now estranged mother was never diagnosed. So, to satisfy my inquisitivity I believe she has BPD.

Over the years I've found various mental illnesses can cause " foot in mouth". ADHD can cause this "speaking without thinking " condition.

What I've also realised is the snowball effect. Eg, if you took medication for an illness a side effect could be that you begin to think before you speak etc because you could be calmer. Many people confuse your chatter as low intelligence or lack of wisdom...not so.

I had the reverse problem with my first wife. She used silence as a weapon. Its still abuse.

Anyway keep reading and learning but forget the guilt, that is harmful with little benefit. But do try to lower your volume. Or time out for 30 minutes.

Tony WK

[CheeseSlices]

Thanks or the reply. I dont really yell and scream - just say everything that goes through my head. And they can be nasty and suicidal.

I am withdrawing from SSRI's and they have always made me manic in the past - but I cant get off this dose without significant pooping problems. My dose is below therapeutic level but its sending my wild, and any drop has me very very sick (in the vomit way)

I have never fit the criteria for BPD. I have been diagnosed with other disorders before (OCD, GAD PTSD) but my issue stems from anxiety. I was diagnosed with ADHD but to me it was a misdiagnosis, I did very well in uni and school before being medicated. My talking my thoughts was not an issue prior to medication.

People definitely see my rambles as low intelligence.

At the moment I just stay in my room when he is home. He works full time and I am often too sore to be sitting up by 4pm so this works out ok for the moment. But its not been a week yet - I cant see this working long term - especially when i need showers and food.

[pipsy]

Hi gremz. As a separated wife, I can honestly say I've both seen and been a victim of, emotional and physical abuse. I have also seen emotional and physical abuse inflicted on men from their spouses/gf's siblings. Any abuse, be it physical or emotional is NOT ON. Silent treatment from hubby's to wives or wives to hubby's is something that is just as hard to live with. My ex would often give me the 'silent treatment'. His parents told me he was 'sulking'. The physical abuse was, he would forcibly grab me when he wanted to go home from or visit his parents (often). If I didn't want to accompany him that's when I was forced to go. The emotional abuse was from him, his parents and anybody else who wanted to 'tell me off'. I was also ordered to 'clean dishes' after lunching with his parents. These things, I was told, was his way of 'joking' with me. The physical grabbing me was another 'joke', which I was told to 'not take seriously'. If I didn't finish the dishes in a certain time, I would be called names and teased for being a 'slow coach'. All these things, were, apparently meant to be taken as a joke. After I left, I was asked what my problem was, I was also told I was overreacting and being stupid. I was told frequently he could order me around as his father ordered his mother. Apparently 'men' in that family order their spouses all the time, they have that right. I think they lived in the 'dark ages'. Women's libbers were lesbians. That last remark was something I was constantly told, I do not agree with it.

Lynda

[pipsy]

On the other side of that coin, a couple we lived next to were constantly fighting and calling the police to see if one or the other could be 'taken away'. One time the wife's birthday was due. The husband bought her a nightie and card. The nightie was beautiful, the card was a bit of a joke card, but not offensive. The wife completely lost the plot. She screamed at him, chased him out using a garden hose to belt him with. When he tried to get in his work van to leave, she slashed his tyres, then burnt his clothes. He later returned with the police to collect his gear, the police took over an hour trying to placate her. They were only married 5 years. I might add she was a petite little thing, he was a hulking 6 footer. Size is not the issue with domestic violence, it's dangerous and has to be recognized that women can be just as violent as men.

Lynda

[sparhawk29]

after reading alot of these posts, i felt i had to reply and put in some info myself. i did notice alot of men here were talking about their wives or girlfriends using silence as a form of assault.... i wish i was that lucky....

in my particular case, my partner has a different weapon. she screeches. now before we all have a giggle and i would understand why, allow me to tell you how bad that is. picture megadeth, metallica, ac/dc, or any similar band at full volume through headphones to a guy with a hearing issue already.... then picture a woman whose screech pierces that wall of noise and still causes physical pain. and yes, i'm not exaggerating. whenever she loses the plot, and for no reason at all most times, she'll start screeching at you, constantly insulting you, especially if it's something she doesn't want to hear. i ended up with the police in queensland attacking me as well because, well, she's a woman...

and that is where the issue actually is. a man is meant to hold his own. old, archaic way, we aren't meant to feel, to have emotion, we are meant to rule the roost... so when the man himself is being abused, he's weak. yet if he retaliates, he's an abuser, a coward etc. you get the pic.

what's worse, is there is NO support groups for male victims. at least no official ones. there's a movement to get that fixed, and there's a group you can consider joining, but you're a perpetrator of violence, not a victim. i'm still yet to go back to court to fix this issue, and it actually all happened over a padlock on the gate under the house. that was deemed as controlling behaviour. but our government, among all other statistics, only see men as the aggressors... it's sad when only a female officer was interested in talking to me and actually listened! in the meantime i've been told she could even walk in and take my gymset and there was nothing i could do. even the police, males of all beings, are on the side of the weaker sex.

until mentality changes from all parties, men, women, whether feminists or not, government officials and the like, nothing will change. you will always have the issues of men not having support, so increased violence, suicides, murdered children/spouses, and there's not much we can do. the issue is real, and it must be changed.