domestic violence against men

[gremz]

I am currently studying community welfare and began the subject Domestic Family Violence. Although many men do experience abuse from their partners, this is not recognized in my course. 
When I asked the teacher about it, she reported to me that men being abused by women would and should be treated differently and receive less support. Its been a long hard battle for females to gain rights so we should be treated better than males?
I don't think this is the "equality" I visioned as a female. 
Anyone else find it not quite right?
Shouldn't violence (especially in a family) and abuse against ANYONE be wrong?

[BluBelle]

Intimate partner violence by women is a bit of a tough subject to talk about openly without diminishing other people's lived experiences, or resorting to broad and harmful generalisations. That it happens, I think, is unquestionable. Mostly as emotional and verbal abuse or manipulation, but certainly some physical violence too. It's indefensible, it causes harm and there should absolutely be more support services available to male victims. Screeching, screaming, insults and the silent treatment are very poor ways of managing frustration and anger, and they do cause stress. It's definitely a reason to seek counselling (individually or together) or to leave a relationship.

There should be a space for men to safely discuss their experiences of violence. However that place should not be in response to discussions about family violence experienced by women, and sadly it often is. If the only time a person or organisation raises this subject is to say "women do it too", then you're not actually doing anything to make things better for men - rather the intention is to invalidate or dismiss the experiences of women.

I think one thing we can change in supporting men is dismantling this whole 'archaic' idea you mentioned, that there is such a thing as "the weaker sex", than men are not supposed to talk about their emotions. It would make the path towards better support services so much easier. I think theres another current thread floating about the forums on what it means to be a man, if you're interested sparhawk. This thread is pretty old.

[blondguy]

Hello Sparhawk29

I hear you loud and clear...I also suffered same from a female partner....I felt like I was in a living hell. The difficulty is as a guy we weren't 'allowed' to talk about it.......now we can Sparhawk

One of our members posted a thread called 'Men Isolated'.....I think you may find some value in it....and like your post...its not anti female. Just a discussion ....an important one

Here is the copy & paste link for you and everyone else too 🙂

www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/men-isolated

I understand where you are coming from

My kind thoughts

Paul

[blondguy]

Hello BluBelle

Thankyou for your clarity & support on this subject BlueBelle!. As you mentioned this is an old thread topic and for mentioning there is a new thread that welcome men & women to have their say...Your input would be appreciated too if you wish 🙂

Its a copy & paste link....I hope you find some value in it. Thread topic created by TonyWK

www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/men-isolated

I have been hospitalized as a result of domestic abuse from my female partner a while ago and there are no broad or harmful generalizations from myself on the thread topic link above..just respect & support

I hope we can welcome Sparhawk29 in a friendly way. It is a tough subject to discuss as violence against women is as well

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Man78]

Thanks for your truth and sharing on your experiences. It’s given me courage

I’m in my early 40’s and have been with my wife for over 20 years. The verbal, emotional and physical abuse i receive daily and often in front of the children (9 and 13)

While the physical abuse is not as bad as some of the other stores shared, it’s still so shaming and humiliating.

scenarios-

1)my wife returns from something, I have cleaned the house and prepared food, she will always fine one thing that’s wrong and make a big deal about it. Zero to 100 in 1 sec, verbal abuse 

2) my wife has an opinion on something, how a lunch box can be packed. If I challenge her and say it can be done differently, physical abuse and then intimidation and blocking me from leaving kitchen

These are small examples that happen daily, all in front of the children (not great example of health relationship).

im ok, started taking anti depressants last year, seeing a canceller privately

My plan:

With professional advice I’m going to try and set boundaries, when you say x, I feel y.
Also time outs, and removing my self when it get violent.

why Not leave ? ( I’m getting very close)

One word fear-

*leaving my house (it’s nice),
* financial impact on us both long term (she does not work)

* shame - failed relationship

-* can we still afford pirate schools

* getting lonely, not meeting someone again

* having regrets, pushing her harder to get help.

* can I live by myself, after 20 years together (co-Dependicie)

*the Hasel of sharing the kids

* the nasty things she will say about me to kids, when she is them. She will turn them against me

As I was told today, domestic violence is against the law, it’s never ok.

Man78

[quirkywords]

Welcome man78
thanks so much for your honesty and insights in what is happening to you.

You may have noticed no one has posted on here besides you for over 2 years .

If you would like to start your own thread more people would see it.

I think men reading your post could relate to the word fear as to why you don’t leave .

It must be a way to live always walking on eggshells .

thanks again and welcome.

[white knight]

Hi man78, welcome

Thankyou for your honesty and courage.

Like quirky said you can start your own thread. You could even copy and paste you post and use it in your new thread- abuse female to make is a very serious topic. I've had silence used as a weapon by my first wife for 11 years and it drove me to a suicide attempt. I left one week later after she puffed a smoke ring in my face. At the time I was begging her to talk things out.

It was only many years later I read that silence is a form of narcissism.

Indeed I lost 1 of 2 daughter due to her demonizing me to her. My other daughter left her mother's home at 12 to live with me as she was treated like I was.

So your fears of losing your children is valid. The only advice I'd give at this point is- e.g. if she blocks the exit ask her to move aside, if not then walk through anyway making minimal contact. Give her all the opportunities to move, then exit regardless as imprisonment is unacceptable.

Criticising you packing lunches? Let her do it. One day she'll sleep in and the sandwiches will just stay there. I'd refuse to pack them.

My ex criticised my hanging out the clothes. So never did it again.

We are talking survival here until your kids are if the age they are independent.

Mention issues as they come about here and you'll get opinions tgat vary but you'll benefit.

Google

Beyondblue topic relationship strife-the peace pipe

That might help.

Try to stay strong and tread the middle ground on issues. But install personal boundaries starting at your personal rights - a right not to be imprisoned, a right to do things as an individual (not just her way), a right to father your children unless teamwork is needed, ...all basic rights tgat, if she was a living spouse would want you to have as that would contribute to happiness.

TonyWK

[blondguy]

Hello Man78

Im sorry you are experiencing physical and emotional abuse from your wife. Unfortunately domestic violence towards men is still very common. Good on you for having the courage to speak from the heart

Please feel comfortable using this this thread topic as its still active and after speaking from the heart. I really hope you can continue to post

The forums are a safe and non judgmental place for you...and all of of us

We are listening Man78....I hope we can be of some assistance/support

my kind thoughts...and I hope you have a good weekend!

Paul

[Sean_S]

Hey everyone, I'm not sure if the new thread has been started, but it was very interesting reading through this one. While I have no doubt that violence against women from men has been the greater problem historically (and probably still is) there is a significant blind spot in our culture to the violent behaviour of women. Gendered assumptions are not always unidirectional, a.k.a. privileging men over women.

I grew up in an abusive home, and the vast majority of the actual acts of violence came from my mother, and also my sister. They have acted in ways that would have landed myself or my father in prison. There is obviously a difference in strength and the capacity for force, but being attacked aggressively is deeply, deeply disturbing.  Yet, skilfully, and vindictively, presented herself as a helpless victim to extended family. She was believed for many years. How could this apparently meek, ineffectual woman be a dictator? No one cared or believed it.

There is an assumption that because there is a physical strength differential between men and women that when women lash out (like slap a man or block him physically) that this is acceptable because it is theoretically harmless.

I believe that the capacity for violence and aggression is not bound to biological sex at all. Like, really, not at all. I think societal structures bring out the violence in particular configurations, like with the manufacturing of aggressive men for the purpose of war. The capacity for malevolence is in all humans. Tyranny and authoritarianism in the household are not uniquely male. It needs to be opposed whenever it arises. Any physical lashing out (however weak) is still a window into the person's ugly capacity for violence. There is no gentler, more peaceful gender.

[quirkywords]

Sean welcome to the forum.

I agree violence by either gender is not acceptable. Thanks for your

well thought out post that has looked at many aspects of domestic violence.

[MenexperienceDV]

You are absolutely right . This is just the general discrimination men face when it comes to DV.