I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

_Once_Upon_A_Dime_ · ‎20-03-2018

It's taking me alot to post on here but here we go...

My names Nicholas, I'm 24yrs old and suffer from Depression, Anxiety & PTSD.

I am seeking advice as title states it all, My current situations pretty much like being stuck in a hole, only each and everyday that holes getting deeper and the chances of getting out get slimmer.

I am here because I wanna overcome this obstical and face my demons, sadly I don't know how to do so..

Let's cut to the chance and what I'm about to tell you only a close friend who I don't speak to anymore & my father who I haven't heard from since Christmas 2016 know about this.

When I was a child around 7-9yrs old (Rough Estimate) I was raped and molested by a neighbor in my street, I was staying over is place with my two older brothers camping out in his back yard, we where sleeping in two separate tents when the assualted had happened and some how managed to keep it a secret from my mum.

I don't know how to escape this hole, It's getting deeper by the minute and the light at the end of It's slowly fading to darkness, I'm stuck helplessly at the bottom of this pit like it's me ment to be my grave, I scream for someone to help but no one hears me, slowly losing faith. Nicholas

_Once_Upon_A_Dime_ · ‎04-10-2018

Hey Guy's & Girls, I'd like the thank you for the replies and updates upon this thread, I'm posting a update on here because I've reached a point where I can't even see the light at the bottom of this hole, Yesterday 03/10/2018 I had a major brrakdown infront of my current girlfriends mother as I told her what happen because she's been throught the same expereince, I guess what I'm saying is I've realized there's no changing the past, I've tried seeking help but I can't do it and everytime I do see someone I hold back the truth about this darkness, I guess what I'm saying is I'm really really really in a dark place at this very moment, meanwhile my partners asleep beside me and I'm under this blanket saying this shit, I know this isnt her burden and I'm at the point where its like if your love somethif set it free because I know this is effecting her. Im so messed up atm cant even sleep, constantly crying, putting a fake smile on daily.

White_Rose · ‎04-10-2018

Hello Nicholas

I am so sorry you are feeling that nothing will help you. As you know we have all experienced trauma in our respective pasts and want to hold out a hand to you.

What happened with your GF mother after your breakdown? Was she able to help you in any way? Sometimes what we want is to be heard and our thoughts, feelings, and pain to be validated. I hope you did get some relief.

We have talked much about you finding some help and I do urge you to do this. You have said you held back some parts of your story when talking to professional mental health people. I am presuming this is because it still feels so dreadful and I can understand you do not want to go though this again.

May I suggest you see your GP and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. If you work in the afternoon and evening can you attend an appointment in the morning? Print out the posts you have written on this thread and give them to your GP who will understand which psychiatrist will be best suited to your needs. I think you will find some relief for the huge and horrible burden you are carrying.

Please try again. I know I am asking a great deal from you because you are so broken. I do relate to this because I have been so broken that dying seemed the best and only solution. I got through it with help from my daughters and medical people. It was very hard and I do know what I am suggesting to you. You are 24 years old and I think without help you will carry this burden for many years.

I am certain you are told constantly that things will get better and it does not happen. I think you are losing your faith in being helped. I don't want that to be the end of your story. I want to help you reach a place where you can smile and really know nothing of this was your fault. You have never deserved to be abused.

Please, please, please talk to your GP, show her your posts and any other writing you have, or perhaps just a small amount. The doctor will help you, make no mistake about that. If your GF mother knows about you can you ask her to support you? And perhaps tell your GF. If this is too much perhaps her mom can tell her. You do need someone who loves you by your side.

Thank you for updating us. I really hope you will continue posting here because we will most definitely support you.

Mary

_Once_Upon_A_Dime_ · ‎04-10-2018

After breaking down infront of my girl freinds mother and her, it resulted in me now having two options, Get a referal for a physcologist (Doctors Appointment Booked 5th Oct) and see a physcologist or forget about there daughter and move on, I got a huge lecture and I guess what this who post was about is how to approach it, I had the mental breakdown happen because of her father talking about Jimmy Barns almost being raped & because my partner went to her physcologist whith her mother and they where talking about it, just the word rape, rape scenes in movies and seeing post on facebook triggers me and brings back that exact moment of being asleep before the incident taking place. I have no confidence the only reason her parents found out was because I went inside and broke down in out room resulting in her coming in to find me in tears after crying in her arms for 10-15 mins she asked me if it was okay for her to tell her mum because she had simular expereinces,I knew I couldn't tell her so she did instead. The hardest thing for me is speaking about it in person, online's so much easier as I can do it annomysously and know at anytime I can stop replying and pretend no one knows, I can't see myself being strong enough to talk about it with a pyschlogist, I don't even have someone as a support person to make sure I don't run away when it comes down to it. My gf lives 275km away and I usually travel to her as she moved out of this area years back due to issue's and so the only people I trust who I know and will make sure I get it out aren't able to be there when it comes down too it. I'm that stressed I have a constant headache crashed my car, spewed up all arvo and haven't slept my heads so cloudy atm I can't even spell lol, I hope this makes sense but I need advice on how I can approach this, should I print this and hand it too my pyschlogist and then after they have a rough idea let them ask the questions?

White_Rose · ‎05-10-2018

Hello Nicholas

It's a great idea to copy and print as much of this thread as you wish. When you do see a psychologist it will help to break the ice by giving it to him/her. That way there will be some common understanding between you both. The psychologist will move the conversation forward.

May I ask how often you see your GF? I wonder if it is possible to see a psychologist where your GF lives as she will be able to give you the support you need. She will probably be more open to the idea as you say she went with her mother.

It is hard to speak about abuse in a face to face situation. It would probably take a few sessions to become sufficiently comfortable with the psychologist to start talking about it but once the gist has been read by the psych it becomes easier to talk.

I hope you are beginning to feel more positive with life. It really does get better but unfortunately not overnight. I wish.

Mary

Croix · ‎07-10-2018

Dear _Once_Upon_A_Dime_

Trying to tell a doctor, psych or similar is so hard, there is fear, embarrassment, physical reactions and shame, plus more. I had that over suicidal plus other matters, and clammed up and talked about the lesser things for ages.

You will not be surprised to know those visits did little to help. I guess without knowing what to treat then the treatment will not be the right one.

I can say once matters are in the open it does get easier -not perfect straight away but there is hope.

So I guess your biggest task now is to find a way to get started. I had my partner who took me to the surgery and waited for me there. I wrote things down beforehand and handed over a copy. I did not have to explain, just answer questions that clarified what I wrote.

When I cam out of the consult I was wringing wet and completely exhausted, and could not drive home or anything - the sight of my partner looked so good.

If it takes 500k to get someone with you it takes 500k - a small price. Please do not think the people that love you should be 'protected' or left in the dark. Love means you help at times even if upsetting, frightening and difficult.

So what do you think? Any thoughts on how to get things started?

Croix

_Once_Upon_A_Dime_ · ‎07-10-2018

Hey guy's quick update, So after a really crappy week I'm looking at is as a positive start, I saw my doctor on Friday and got a referral to see a Psychologist and medical cert until January.

Sadly me and my GF have split due to the added stress on her and me, I think it's because as I don't want my burden becoming her's.

I've looked at the negatives as positives and will be getting my mental health sorted, I have also set a goal of doing something I've wanted to for years, I wanna become a youth worker and Advocate for rape to help assist minors who find it difficult to speak up in similar situation's. I know I'm not the only one who's experienced this as some find it difficult to speak up.

Out society is filled with so many judgemental human beings but enough is enough, no ones alone, people care aka You's and Us, It's time we help others speak up 👌

Croix · ‎07-10-2018

Dear _Once_Upon_A_Dime_

I'm sorry about the break-up, it would have been a very hard and stressful time all around. Is there anyone local you can lean on at all?

Being an advocate for those who have had similar experiences is a very necessary thing, though the number of people that can actually do it is small. It takes the lived experience of course plus both empathy and resilience. A worthy aim

Of course you realize you are doing exactly that right this moment. Your example is being read by some who do not post themselves and I'm sure they are drawing encouragement from your openness and experiences.

Please let us know how you are getting on, we do care about you.

Croix

White_Rose · ‎07-10-2018

Hello Nicholas

I am so sorry that you and your GF have separated. It appeared you would have some support when you saw a psychologist.

Your attitude to therapy seems to have changed and you are determined to see the psychologist. Do you have an appointment? Please remember to take copies of your posts here to give to the psychologist which will make it easier to start the conversation.

Great idea to be an advocate. This is why people who post here feel understood as we have all been through the mental health washing machine. You are now taking the first step by looking for healing and as you know that can be hard.

Please keep us up to date. Best wishes for a successful first meeting with the psychologist.

Mary

_Once_Upon_A_Dime_ · ‎25-10-2018

Hey Guy's/Girl's just posting a quick update, So far I've been to two Pyschologist Appointments first one was to build a bond, Second one was more full on.

We skipped everything else and went straight to the rape, I explained what happen but didn't go into detail as my anxiety kicked in. I then changed subject, she wants to focus on it more with my next session, I have also heard back from a local senior constable who dealt with a assault in the past and she is gonna help with a investigation in relation to it.

Haven't heard from that girl and I guess it's probably time to clean out the photo frame and throw away this little key that say's I love you and move on.

It hurts knowing I was that easy to be forgotten, I hope she's doing well.

Makes it harder to sleep at night but eventually I'll meet the right one.

Idkme · ‎25-10-2018

Wow,

It's amazing to read about your experiences here, you are so brave to face this. It's so easy for people (like me) to see our own issues as complicated and serious but when I read your experience I feel so sorry for all the burden you've carried all these years.

I really hope you find a psychologist or psychiatrist that works for you, and if they don't then get a new one... having just had a bit of melt down lately I have to say that you are an inspiration with your commitment to following through on this.

I don't have much words of knowledge as I'm dealing with my own recalled experience, my trauma was a lot slower and over many years (13-17) where I was groomed to thinking it was all okay (or that I was "special"), it has finally occurred to me (somewhat decades later) that I was neglected by those who were meant to protect me. It has caused heaps of trust issues. I'm guessing there is some of that happening with you too...

I really do hope you get some assistance with dealing with this issue. You have amazing compassion for your gf (even if she's ex), there will be someone out there that will appreciate your honesty and determination, but learn to love yourself first, that way you can then pass on your love.

I am a little curious if you have had any more conversation with your father, I would be devastated and not know what to do if I found that out after thinking I had cared for my son... he probably needs to know it's not his fault either.... It was that HORRIBLE predators fault and I hope he gets what he deserves.

Anyway, just thought I'd pop in and let you know how amazing you sound.