I Don't Even Know Who I Am Anymore

[_Once_Upon_A_Dime_]

It's taking me alot to post on here but here we go...

My names Nicholas, I'm 24yrs old and suffer from Depression, Anxiety & PTSD.

I am seeking advice as title states it all, My current situations pretty much like being stuck in a hole, only each and everyday that holes getting deeper and the chances of getting out get slimmer.

I am here because I wanna overcome this obstical and face my demons, sadly I don't know how to do so..

Let's cut to the chance and what I'm about to tell you only a close friend who I don't speak to anymore & my father who I haven't heard from since Christmas 2016 know about this.

When I was a child around 7-9yrs old (Rough Estimate) I was raped and molested by a neighbor in my street, I was staying over is place with my two older brothers camping out in his back yard, we where sleeping in two separate tents when the assualted had happened and some how managed to keep it a secret from my mum.

I don't know how to escape this hole, It's getting deeper by the minute and the light at the end of It's slowly fading to darkness, I'm stuck helplessly at the bottom of this pit like it's me ment to be my grave, I scream for someone to help but no one hears me, slowly losing faith. Nicholas

[White_Rose]

Hello Nicholas

Lovely to hear from you again. Absolutely over the moon that you have seen a psychologist twice. That is fantastic.

I know the impulse is to back off when all the 'stuff' comes up because it is so painful. I applaud you staying in the room when I am sure you wanted to leave. This is the most painful part of therapy, actually telling someone and probably in more detail than ever before. Your psych will, I imagine, want you to talk about your feelings, why you could not tell your parents etc. It will get easier.

And your complaint is going to be investigated. That is amazing news and very satisfactory. Please be prepared for the investigation to take a little time. Sadly these things do not move as quickly as we would like. But what a satisfying thought that your abuser will be held accountable for his deeds.

It also shows that you were not to blame in any way. I know we have been saying this since you first wrote in here but this is proof that you did nothing wrong. I hope it helps you.

I'm sorry you have not had any message from your ex gf but maybe it's better that way. You told her family about your hurt and sadly they feel they cannot support you. Is there anyone who can help with support? I have just had a quick look at the previous posts and cannot see any mention of your parents or siblings except the first post. Please excuse me if I have missed anything. Are you in contact with your family? It would be great if a family member was able to give you support even if they do not live nearby. Emails and Skype can also be helpful.

Giving anyone details is not necessary if this does not sit well with you. Perhaps you could say something like you have been having some difficulties and would appreciate some support. You may want to say you are not up to explaining just yet and ask they take the matter on faith. You may be able to explain more much later. How does that feel?

I would love to know how you are progressing.

Mary

[_Once_Upon_A_Dime_]

Re IDKME: I'm glad you find this thread inspirational and I am sorry you had to go through, that experience. It isn't easy seeking help, My biggest issue was I'm a male, so I felt ashamed it happened to me, as men are spouse to be strong and able to overcome anything, so when it happened it made me feel so much more less of a male.

I ain't a psychologist and I can't really give you the best advice but I'd highly recommend getting your experience out there and share it with other's. Start with maybe a simple post to the Beyond Forum and go from there, We all have a story behind our live's and there's specific events which shape us to who we are. Your no less of a human being, I found posting here helped a lot with building the courage to get this weight of my chest, we are all here to support you. You will not be judged any less so take your time and turn your story into a novel. I seriously could write pages and pages about my journey up until this point, If I could give anyone a example of how my life looks, Imagine me being in a city and a nuclear bombs been set of in the dead centre. I'm surrounded by ruble and no matter which way I look it's all the same, I've walked many paths but nothing looks any diffrent.

Things do feel overwhelming at times but you have too keep your chip up and tell yourself you can do it. Feel free to keep us updated.

[_Once_Upon_A_Dime_]

Re White_Rose: I do have family I currently live with, but in the past we have had failing out's, The only family member who currently know's about the event at the moment is my mother.

She's been supporting me, The day me and my Girlfriend split up, I was gonna pack my car and go for a drive to clear my head, my mum came out and found me in tears, I ended up telling her about what happen between me and my girlfriend and said Ibneed to get away from the area for a few days, she asked why and that's when I went inside and showed her the original of this post.

There was detail left out as the post was typed up on word and had a lot more detail, when I posted I had to shorten it and then the moderators had to moderate it so it was able to be posted.

I tried to keep it short but have detail. Eventually I will type up the who story about this, I'll include everything from the day it happened to how it effected me over the years and as I grew older how it took a toll, I'll also keep you's posted on my progress with the psychologist got a appointment today (5/11/2018)

I guess when you look at it, I was truely broken, It's destroyed so many friendships, effected relationships.

I felt like a burden but I'm starting to realize my worth, I sent my ex a text saying I forgive her, this was my closure, She hurt me, But I know deep down I ain't the only one hurting. She would feel guilty but she did what was best for both of us, and I need to walk this journey alone if I wanna become the man I should be.

I shall keep everyone posted in the long run with things been busy between finding work and getting my mental health on track so might be a week or two but I'll keep everyone updated.

Nicholas

[Idkme]

Thanks for the update Nicholas,

I hope your visit goes/went well.

I wish you all the best with your job hunting.... It can be a nice reprieve to not have to think about your personal things all the time.

Keep us posted....

Regards,

idkme

PS. I have started a thread that I have been adding to... it's good to keep it updated and have people pop in and comment... It's amazing to watch my own journey unfold... looking forward to the long term....

[_Once_Upon_A_Dime_]

Hey Guy's & Girls, I know I haven't posted anything in a while, Just letting you's know I got a part time job, Been doing great up until about 2 weeks ago when sadly I lost a mate to Suicide 2 days before Christmas, It's effected alot of us around my area as we all grew up together and still live in the same block of streets. I guess you can say I've been so strong since the day I went and saw my GP to get a referral to see a Pyschologist after everything that's unfolded, but deep down this hit me hard, I guess you can say I never really truly realized how priceless the time we spend with people really is, One minute they are there the next they are gone. I'm left sitting here trying to imagine the feeling he got at his darkest hours, I saw him days before it happened and he seemed fine but deep down his demons where consuming him.

His familys struggling to even financially afford the funeral, They started a Facebook page in tribute to him in hope they could raise some donations to help cover the cost of his funeral, I've even gave every cent I made the week before to his family but that's just a fraction of what they need. I'm even considering things like Twitch to start a fundraiser and play games non stop until I make a goal of atleast $500

It's so hard to watch them struggle to try manage to afford the funeral as I grew up around them and we all where brought up in a block of housing commission houses so we all understood the value of what little we had, We never had money to go out and do things like going to the movies, SeaWorld or anything like that, We would instead scavenge the kerbside pickup piles and fix bikes so we could create out own fun and do stupid stuff like play out own version of Mario kart (Ride Skateboards down a footpath along side a hill and throw sticks under each others wheels)

All can think abouts the memories we shared, The time we spent growing up together to tragically lose not only my best friend but someone I call family. I had my younger brother and him come looking for me during lunch so I could tie his shoes for him, Just every little moment we shared growing up. But the thing that broke me was watching my younger brother who's had learning difficulties find out his first and only ever true best friend has passed away in a very very tragic and painful way.

Idk how people do it 2018 was the worse year I've experienced and deep down I have no one to talk to about how I feel other the You's, Mum and my Psychologist. 4/01/19

[Idkme]

Hi _Once_Upon_A_Dime,

It’s great to hear from you again although I wish it was under better circumstances. It’s tragic when life is taken (any) and the impacts on others can last forever. I’m sorry for your feelings of lose.

Its good to reflect on the progress you did make, so you know, when you’re ready, that you can get yourself back on track, allow yourself the time and permission to rest and mourn. I love hearing your stories of special times and memories you had.... no amount of money will ever replace that. We place way too much value on what others have but many miss the simple things in life, it’s great you have that to remember and I’m certain your friends family will value your contribution, especially the time and just being there, sharing those memories. I guess that’s the way they live on.... in our thoughts and sharing.

I wish I could wave my magic wand and send you all the funds you need but sadly it’s a real world and I’d encourage you to support the family to value the things they can provide rather than focus on what they can’t afford. Time will heal some wounds, especially financial ones, so just keeping the light burning can be a small thing in a dark space.

I just wanted to comment because I wanted you to know you’re not alone and what you have done (and doing) is amazing.

all the best

[White_Rose]

Hello Nicholas

Good to hear from you again. So very sad to learn about your friend. He must have been in a great deal of pain and could not see a way past this. It's often not much use to say things will get better unless we can give the person something concrete to hang on to. I guess your friend felt he had no one to talk to or no one who could understand him. The death of someone around the time of of events such as Christmas seems to make everything so much more difficult.

Are there several friends of your lost friend who could get together with each other sometime in the near future? I ask because it can be helpful to have a time when everyone can talk about their mutual loss and hurt. It can help about the loss and it's good to share grief with others who are experiencing this. Can you meet at someone's home for example or perhaps park and find a quiet area. Don't take alcohol as it seems to make everything worse. You may all feel some relief from this mourning and can honour his memory.

I think he was a generally good person because mostly people are good. He lost his way for a time and died before someone could show him the way back. Talk about the times you had together and don't be afraid to laugh. Laughter is good. Mourn him as long as you want. There will come a time when you will remember him with a smile and a little regret.

So pleased to hear about your job. Keep going as much as you can. Perhaps you can confide in your manager about the loss of your friend so that he/she will understand when you get a little down. It's also good for your manager to know what is happening and does not think you are shirking your work or anything of that nature.

I hope that 2019 will be a good year for you. You have laid the foundation now it's time to work on the construction of the building. My best wishes for you. Remember you can continue to post in here whenever you wish.

Mary

[_Once_Upon_A_Dime_]

Hey All, Hope everyone's doing well and staying safe through these hard time's with this pandemic.

just posting too let you's all know I'm doing extremely well, I'll post a more detailed reply to this thread in the next few days when I am not working 👌

It's been a few years since I've posted and I've been meaning to post a update on how my life has been and how I am going.

I'll defaintly be posting over the weekend if I get a chance but watch this space ❤

[Croix]

Dear Nicholas~

You would be surprised at how much it means to us when somone we have been talking to and who has had a very hard time comes back later on.

When posting stops we wonder if that person is OK, we wonder if we did enough to help, and we really hope their life has turned around and thay are doing good.

So we are delighted you have come back to let us know, and better yet that you are doing extremely well.

So many things were not working out before, so the fact you have come though is a tribute to you, and we look forward to hearing more

Croix