Why do I need someone to be with me?

[BoroniaRiv777]

Hi all,

I was looking to see if someone has some insights on my current situation and how it relates to past experiences. I'm looking to see if others have had similar experiences and can maybe point me in the right direction. I’m not looking for medication as I have been down that road before.

I know I have Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder because I experienced various types of trauma as a child. I had anxiety about going to school. Because of this anxiety, my parents decided to take me to school one day and talk with the principal. Long story short, I was abandoned and left in the hands of the principal who was verbally and physically abusive as he dragged me to the classroom. This was his attempt to stop me from being anxious.

A few years later at a different school my Dad had to wait outside the classroom for me while I was inside being taught due to my anxiety. There was less anxiety knowing that Dad was outside. I was homeschooled after this and managed to work and study. I have seen countless mental health professionals and have been on various antidepressants due to several setbacks.

Fast forward to the present day and it appears that I am facing the "needing someone with me due to overwhelming anxiety" situation again. In late 2019, I experienced my first major panic attack following a run. I took myself to hospital due to a continued fast heart rate post-run. I was later released from hospital with everything checking out as ok with diagnosis being a panic attack. Since then, life has been extremely difficult.

Since the panic attack I have not been able to be by myself (except for the rare occasion where I challenged myself). The fear around my heart rate has limited by ability to have a verbal conversation with a mental health professional. Basically, any type of stress triggers panic which triggers the heart rate fear. I believe the fear is a cover for what happened to me as a child. I am still working with a psychologist via email.

What I really want to ask is what is the reason for me needing someone to be with me at the moment? Why did I need my Dad to stay outside the classroom that day? What am I afraid of? What I know for sure is that anxiety feelings scare me greatly. Why do I struggle to be ok with intense anxiety feelings? The overriding message when I am in an anxiety provoking situation is that I am going die. I feel like the panic attack has exposed the child traumas hence why I need someone with me.

Thank you all.

[Sophie_M]

Hi BoroniaRiv777,

Thank you for sharing such a brave and open post here. We’re so sorry to hear what you've been going through. We’re glad you could share here. It sounds like you've made some increidble steps in connecting with a psychologist via email, and in opening up here. We’re sorry to hear you’ve been having anxiety attacks and they’ve made it so hard to access support, but we’re glad you were able to open up to this community. We’re sure you’ll hear from some of our lovely forum members soon.

We wanted to let you know that if you ever feel it would help to reach out to our support service, we’re here, via email, webchat or phone. Another good option is the Blue Knot Foundation, who provide information and support for anyone affected by complex trauma. They have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care. 

Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. It might take some time for our kind community to spot your post, but we’re sure they will soon be here to offer their support and understanding.  

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi BoroniaRiv777,

Wellcome to our forums!

Thank you for reaching out to us.

Im so sorry for what happened to you when you were a child.

I understand completely the need to always want to be with some one when we are going through severe anxiety.

I understand because this happened to me, I went through severe anxiety OCD twice in my life it was horrible and I always felt scared and that I didn’t want to be alone…..

I had my mum staying with me for some of the time and I always wanted to be near her and other family members because of how scared anxiety made me feel.

For me I think I always wanted to not be by myself was because my anxiety had the flight mode turned up! Just being alone would really high light to myself the way I was feeling inside I was a really scared terrified mess at the time. I also experienced panic attacks when I was alone and when I was having one of these I’d find myself phoning my psychiatrist for re assurance.

Anxiety is such a crippling condition sometimes, it really sends all types of symptoms through our bodies and if we haven’t been taught how to manage our anxiety it can feel like a very scary place to be.

Im now recovered, I saw my gp I was put on a antidepressant to help me to manage my anxiety I also saw a clinical psychologist and a psychiatrist and I did group therapy.

In my clinical psychologist appointments and group therapy I learned many strategies to help me to manage my anxiety…. I did metacognitive therapy.

Have you been able to talk to a psychologist about what happened to you when you were younger? That must have been so scary for you….. I’m really sorry it happened to you…

Hang in there I’m here to chat

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi BoroniaRiv777,

Welcome welcome. I'm glad you decided to join us and thank you for sharing your story with us; I'm sorry to hear about what you had to go through and hope the forums can be a good space for you.

It sounds like when you saw the principal that day, you felt abandoned and neglected-your dad wasn't around and your principal was verbally and physically abusive. I think the key there was that your dad wasn't around- and him being there - even if it was in the waiting room, would have kept you safe. Your dad would have protected you if he was there with you seeing the principal.

Does that add up or make sense to you?

Hope this helps,

rt

[BoroniaRiv777]

Thank you Sophie_M.

I appreciate the welcome post and the resources you have linked for me.

[BoroniaRiv777]

Thank you Petal. I appreciate the understanding.

Having anxiety and OCD at the same time is no fun. I can relate to that. My OCD has been more challenging since that panic attack.

The weird thing for me is that I have learnt so much about anxiety. I've had it for a long-time so I have had to learn how to manage things. I did this by talking with professionals and through self-help resources. However, what I am going through at the moment seems harder to understand and get through. It's baffling.

I have not heard of metacognitive therapy. I will have to look into this. My goal is to first get to a place where verbally talking about myself doesn't trigger panic attacks. I can talk about myself through text, but verbally it's another ball game.

I have spoken in the past to a few mental health professionals about what happened in childhood. None of them have really unpacked it. Maybe they didn't think it was significant enough? What I have learnt from my readings is that any type of trauma in childhood can have lasting impacts. And as I said in my first post, I experienced various types of trauma. The one event I highlighted was significant. But there were other things like religious abuse and emotional neglect. These things are now being shown to impact the mental health and development of children. It's what they call complex post-traumatic stress disorder. Complex being that it wasn't only one type of trauma and the traumas only happened during childhood.

But yes, the event I described was extremely scary. Thank you for acknowledging this. I just feel for the little child that had to deal with that. I have a list of mental health professionals who I am ready to work with on all of this. I have contacted them about my situation (can't talk verbally), but none are able to help me out via email. It's only verbal conversations. The psychologist I am talking to via email is doing her best to help me.

I'm just curious about this behaviour I am adopting now. It's so very similar to what I used as a child. What is it about?

[BoroniaRiv777]

Thank you romantic. I appreciate the reply and understanding about my situation.

That does make sense. My parents were both there. I don't think they knew what was going to happen because if they did they would not have left me with the principal. They were probably just not sure about what to do and believed that what the principal was saying was the best option. They didn't know how to fix my anxiety about going to school. If only they knew though that leaving me was going to be traumatic.

What might be the reason for this "needing someone with to be with me" behaviour? I'm so curious about it.

[Petal22]

Sometimes I believe some of our emotions that we experienced as children are still being stored in us, I believe if another situation in life comes up similar to the one experienced as a child we can react in a way that we would have as a child even if it’s not the person we are reacting to in the present but the past….It’s just the same situation.

Ive found if I’ve realised this I can deal with this emotion in the here and now and forgive who I need to forgive in the past being myself or other people I can then choose to let this situation go and allow the healing to begin….. if I feel like crying in that moment I allow it because I believe I’m releasing stored emotions from the past……. Once I’ve dealt with it I can move forward….

Ive found that through meditation I can remember the child I was and in meditation I can apologise to that child for the way I felt in that time and forgive myself and others if I need to………… it’s amazing how releasing this emotion helps with healing.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi BoroniaRiv777,

It's great to hear back from you.

Yes, I agree. I can also vouch for what Petal22 said as well. There's probably a part of you that knows that you are okay now, but another part that's still feeling scared from when you were a kid. Maybe that kid part feels safe when someone's with you (because that's what they needed) and so adult you still seeks it out.

It sounds like you have so much insight into your own trauma and I'm glad that you have a psychologist; I'm sorry that your other ones didn't help you unpack it. It's definitely significant enough. Have you been asking your current psychologist these questions? They are definitely the best ones to be talking to.

rt

[BoroniaRiv777]

That is a great post. Thank you Petal.

Dealing with past emotions in the here and now is relatively new to me. I am still learning how to do this. But first I need to get to know the emotions that have been stored up from childhood.

I have recently had moments of intense anxiety where my body begins to shake particularly my legs. I now know this is stored trauma energy so I let it go on. It's amazing how relaxed I feel afterwards. It feels like I completed a moment of energy transfer that had been locked up.