Why do I need someone to be with me?

[BoroniaRiv777]

Hi all,

I was looking to see if someone has some insights on my current situation and how it relates to past experiences. I'm looking to see if others have had similar experiences and can maybe point me in the right direction. I’m not looking for medication as I have been down that road before.

I know I have Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder because I experienced various types of trauma as a child. I had anxiety about going to school. Because of this anxiety, my parents decided to take me to school one day and talk with the principal. Long story short, I was abandoned and left in the hands of the principal who was verbally and physically abusive as he dragged me to the classroom. This was his attempt to stop me from being anxious.

A few years later at a different school my Dad had to wait outside the classroom for me while I was inside being taught due to my anxiety. There was less anxiety knowing that Dad was outside. I was homeschooled after this and managed to work and study. I have seen countless mental health professionals and have been on various antidepressants due to several setbacks.

Fast forward to the present day and it appears that I am facing the "needing someone with me due to overwhelming anxiety" situation again. In late 2019, I experienced my first major panic attack following a run. I took myself to hospital due to a continued fast heart rate post-run. I was later released from hospital with everything checking out as ok with diagnosis being a panic attack. Since then, life has been extremely difficult.

Since the panic attack I have not been able to be by myself (except for the rare occasion where I challenged myself). The fear around my heart rate has limited by ability to have a verbal conversation with a mental health professional. Basically, any type of stress triggers panic which triggers the heart rate fear. I believe the fear is a cover for what happened to me as a child. I am still working with a psychologist via email.

What I really want to ask is what is the reason for me needing someone to be with me at the moment? Why did I need my Dad to stay outside the classroom that day? What am I afraid of? What I know for sure is that anxiety feelings scare me greatly. Why do I struggle to be ok with intense anxiety feelings? The overriding message when I am in an anxiety provoking situation is that I am going die. I feel like the panic attack has exposed the child traumas hence why I need someone with me.

Thank you all.

[BoroniaRiv777]

Thanks romantic_thi3f. I appreciate the understanding and helpful post.

There is definitely the "two" parts thing going on. I feel like I sway between adult me and child me. I feel like the next chapter of this involves integrating the two parts. I think trauma has fractured them hence the bodily dysregulation and perhaps also the current behaviours I am adopting.

I like your explanation for why I am using this old behaviour. It makes sense. I guess the biggest question is how do I let me as an adult be that person who is with the kid part of me instead of it being someone else. In other words, how do I rely on myself to soothe the inner child rather than relying on someone else to soothe the inner child's need for safety. I know, there probably is a lot to unpack with this.

I have been asking my psychologist these questions. Understandably, she is going slow and this is made worse by the fact that it's over email and that she is busy due to covid. We have only really just discussed inner child stuff. I think that is where I need to do a lot of healing so that I don't have to depend on other people being with me. It's such hard work though and to be honest scary at times largely due to the unknowns. I wish my psychologist had a direct answer for me one that I go "ah ha! that is why I am doing this right now!", but I am beginning to think I may never get this answer.

I so desperately want to be somewhat independent again where I don't need someone with me 24/7. I was hoping someone on this forum had an exact story like mine and was like, "yep, I know what to do. You do this and then this and then that". I know people have similar stories (and I am thankful for those who have shared their stories here), but you always just wish someone has walked the exact path you have walked so that you can know what to do.

[Petal22]

That’s ok BoroniaRiv777,

Im actually learning reiki Ive completed level 1 and am doing level 2 in the near future.

I have found reiki a very amazing practice to learn I have done a lot of reiki on myself and I’ve found it has helped to bring the emotions to the surface that has helped me to heal from the past.

I also have a lot more clarity and I can understand where these emotions stem from.

Im sorry that you have been experiencing intense anxiety but I’m glad you have been able to release the energy.

Meditation is also a amazing practice have you ever tried this?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi BoroniaRiv777,

Sorry it's taken so long for me to get back to you.

I really appreciate the feedback 🙂

Yeah, absolutely. So I think once you're able to understand, you can see what 'child you' needed and what 'adult you' knows. So the next time this happens- you'll have a better understanding of why you're needing that company. There is nothing wrong with having those needs met by someone else for now. It won't be forever.

That makes complete sense. Although I think even if someone had walked that same path, it would still be different and their way of moving through it might not work for you.

I can talk about the child and adult you because that's something I'm doing in therapy myself. For me it was about a lot of blame and shame, and for a long time I needed to know that things weren't my fault- I had to hear that from other people until I could start to internalise that.

Hope this helps

rt

[ThrivingNow]

Hi BoroniaRiv777

I haven't walked the same journey that you have. You are unique.

When I experienced panic attacks I did not know what they were until a paramedic explained it to me. I later learned that when you perceive danger, your body enters fight or flight mode. In my circumstances, I did not want to fight or flee my family so I froze and experienced the panic attacks. They are not pleasant are they! I had considerable chest pain and rapid breathing and was unable to settle down for a couple of hours.

I no longer live with one of those family members and am much healthier now. It took some time for me to no longer be traumatised when I returned to the places that those events occurred. Now I look forward.

All the best.